Okay so I am really hurt right now and I desperately need some advice. I have this friend who I have known since we were 6 years old. She is one of my closest friends and even though she lives in CA it seemed like she would be a shoe-in to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. When I told her I got engaged I got a text message basically saying 'that's nice...congrats!' and that's it. I figured that maybe she didn't want to bother me with questions since I had just gotten engaged an hour earlier so I did not press the issue. Two days later she texts me about some girl at her job and did not acknowledge my engagement. About a month later I confronted her about it because at this point she had still not asked me ANYTHING about it! It upset me because we had been friends for TWENTY years and she not once asked what did my ring look like, how was it done, and when is the wedding! She told me she did not ask because she is having problems with her boyfriend and it hurts her to talk about me getting married. I told her I felt that was unfair because I would think she would at least PRETEND to be happy for me. I was there for her when she was having issues with him cheating so I would think she would be there for me in my time of happiness....All of that made me question if she was going to be a bridesmaid.....
Fast forward to today... She is in town for the week because she is attending her moms THIRD wedding in the past three months (she got married at city hall, France, and now again here!) I am supposed to meet up with her tonight (bear in mind I have not seen her in a year!) and we are texting back and forth about where we are going. Somehow I mention that my wedding is in 11 months and she asks what day of the week it is... I tell her a friday and she says 'Oh ok.. Well I will try to see if I can go'. She just got promoted to Assistant Manager at her gym and does not know if she can take a day off (A YEAR FROM NOW!!!). Are you kidding me???????? I know she lives in CA and it might be inconvenient to come but we have been friends for FOREVER... and BEST friends at that! I am so upset I do not want to even see her tonight! I don't feel there is even a point to tell her I am hurt because I realize now she is just selfish and will NEVER be happy for me but I am just not feeling it tonight now... So... Should I A) suck it up and hang out with her like nothing is wrong since she is only here for today.... B) Tell her off and not speak to her anymore... or C) Blow her off tonight and just avoid her like the plague.... D) any other option!
I really don't know what to do.. I am trying to pretend it does not bother me but I am really upset.....
vicky1125
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
if i was in your shoes i'd just ignore it. i'd still be friends with her but people change. some people don't know how to be happy for others when their own world is crashing down. she may be jealous that you're in a better place then she is in her relationship. you can't expect her to feel the same way you do about your friendship. it might mean more to you then it does to her. i don't waste to much energy on people like that. it is what it is & i'm sure you have plenty of people around you who are happy for you & love you.
FuTuRe MrS MaZz
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
I would have to confront her b/c if I didnt it would be eating at me... Say something like 'ya know, i noticed that you... and it bothers me' dont leave these things inside b/c you'll be left wondering 'whyyy'
Either she'll feel sorry about it and try to patch things up or with the quickness, she can be out of your life... (which is probably a better option at this point)
Licee15
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
Honestly, if you are best friends...You need to tell her you want her apart of it...Maybe she feels like you weren't going to ask her to be apart of it...I think you should work it out and not get to upset about it...She is your best friend ya know...
MaggieLuvsJoe
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
I think its best to be honest with her. Let her know that youre hurt by her actions and that you were considering having her be in your bridal party but arent so sure she wants to have anything to do with you or your wedding. Let her decide if she wants to be a part of it or not. If you do ask her to be in the BP make sure she knows that she is not obligated but that you are asking her because you have considered her to be one of your closest friends.
Good Luck with this.
TheLadyJ
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
You have to ask her if she wants to be a bridesmaid. Tell her you were hoping that since you share such a long friendship, you really wanted her to take part in your special day.
Then, remind her of all the things a bridesmaid has to do, and ask her if she wants to, or can be, a part of it all.
I don't think she is selfish. I just think she has alot going on in her own life right now and cannot give you the kind of attention you want. perhaps she doesn't share your same feelings about the friendship and doesn't see you as close a friend as you see her.
Seeing as how she cannot put her personal life aside and be happy for you, I would have to question whether this is the kind of person you want to be planning bridal showers and bachelorette parties.
Remember, you claim you are best friends. If that is true, you should be able to talk to her calmly about your feelings, and be able to listen to her feelings. She was honest with you about her own problems, and instead of making the focus all about you and your upcoming wedding, see if she needs a shoulder to cry on for a little bit.
Don't get into a big fight with her and tell her off. You will only regret it. Instead, let he know you still consider her a dear friend and would love for her to be in your wedding party, but you understand if she is unable to make a committment. And if she says she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, thank her for her honesty and tell her you really hope she can make it to the wedding.
oldfriendoflive
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
Hang out today. When you see her talk to her tell her how happy you are and that you want her to be apart of your day and and if she pulls that garbage about work then you will know that she is not a friend. To take one day off from work for your best freiends wedding- you better do it. Before you get find out whats wrong-She might be upset about a lot of things. My girlfriend was giving me a hassel about my BM dresses and when I talked to her after I got rid of my anger I found out she could not afford it. So I think she just needs to hear how you feel about this and just talk it over. Good luck if you go tonihgt
PROBM
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
I would def see her and knowing me i would ball my eyes out to her bc i get emotional anytime i express how I feel.
mdawg
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
i also have a friend ive been friends with for 20+ years and i would be completely devastated if she acted the way your friend is acting.
i think she is completely jealous. Although youve been friends for forever, if she cant muster up the ability to be happy for you during one of the greatest times of your life, then in my opinion she doesnt deserve your friendship. You're too good of a person for that.
I think you should see her tonight and you should tell her exactly why youre upset. A wedding is meant for people who want to share in the joy of celebrating a momentous event and occasion. If she is saying a YEAR in advance that she will 'see' if she can go, I would tell her that you'll 'see' if you can send an invitation.
She may see this as being selfish, and that youre not being sensitive to her needs, but at this point, i'd say FCK her needs. I almost made this mistake when my bff got engaged. Granted we didnt know each other for 20+ years, but I'll admit it..i was extremely jealous, and i had a hard time showing my happiness and love for her. I even went and got engaged myself (for no reason).
To this day (they got married in February), i am KICKING myself for not being there for her through her entire engagement (we became friends again shortly after i realized i was being a douchebag).
if your friend is feeling no remorse for being a selfish *****, then she truly does not deserve your friendship.
take this from someone who was on both sides of this... youve done nothing wrong.
NikkiR515
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
Thanks guys! I tried to talk to her about this but she is making it sound like I am crazy!!! I am starting to realize more and more she is NO friend of mine.. We had some incidents when we were younger where she would hook up with guys I dated right after we stopped seeing each other. I always forgave her because I was not 'with the guy at the time' but I am starting to see if she is not the center of attention, she freaks out and I cannot deal with drama queens like that!!!
BarbieGrl10
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
D.
I would ask her (in a nice, calm way) what her deal is. Tell her that you're being honest and would appreciate the same in return.
chicky724
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
I would hang out with her tonight and while you’re out talk about it.
That's so disappointing though, it s*cks that your best friend can't even be excited for you!
NikkiR515
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
I know she is going through a lot with her boyfriend and I am sorry for that. He cheated on her more than a few times and I know that she is upset about that but I still do not feel that is a valid excuse. My stepdad was diagnosed with stage 3 brain cancer 6 months ago and she was not there for me AT ALL.... I let it go because she lived far away but all of this stuff combined is just way too much for me to take!
Celeste617
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
If I were you, I'd still see her tonight, but definitely be honest with her about how you're feeling. I've had to buck up and be happy for friends even when I've been having a rough time. If she really shows no interest, then you won't have to wonder anymore. Good luck
oldfriendoflive
Posted:
Member since
Re: NWR: Long but I REALLY need advice!!
Posted by NikkiR515
Thanks guys! I tried to talk to her about this but she is making it sound like I am crazy!!! I am starting to realize more and more she is NO friend of mine.. We had some incidents when we were younger where she would hook up with guys I dated right after we stopped seeing each other. I always forgave her because I was not 'with the guy at the time' but I am starting to see if she is not the center of attention, she freaks out and I cannot deal with drama queens like that!!!
Wow thats a no no. You tried and if she does not want to be there for you because she is going through a mess-then who cares. She is ruining her life by being with someone that does not value her and she is ruining your friendship in the process. Honestly if she was in your wedding party you would be going crazy trying to make sure she paid for the dress and all that stuff that comes with being in the BP. I hope things work out but if not don't stress-this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life-don't let people get you down.
