NWR - Stuck between a rock & a hard place (BIL / friend issue) - very long story

THIS IS A LONG ONE..

a year and a half before hub and i married, my bil, JOHN dated this girl, JANE for several years. i saw a lot of her and we've become close friends... when i got engaged i asked her be my bride's maid and in between engagement and wedding day they had a really bad break up. but in the end, she handled everything so gracefully. he on the other hand...

while they dated (for several years) obviously they built a tight bond. his credit is less than perfect so she would help him get a car, credit cards, etx and all under her name. he's gotten her gifts for v-days, bdays, x'mas', etx all under the credit cards. some ppl just don't understand what it means to save money and he's one of 'em.

(he cheated on Jane and is still w the same woman. recently found out he got her preg and married her a couple of wks ago)

when they broke up they had baggage! and all about material things. the car & credit cards were under her name.. (hell! he even used it right after they broke up!) He needs his car to get to work so she let him continue with the car but only if he continues to pay for it. and then it's the credit card. he racked up about $6,000 worth! she needed that payed off and they worked it out (however not in her favor) by him paying $300 a month but as time went on he started paying less and less. it soon became $100 a month. he even debates all teh expensive gadgets he got jane should be collateral. legally speaking, a gift is a gift... not payment.

just a couple of months ago he got into a bad car accident. the car was totalled and ultimately he needed to get a new car. so with the insurance money he got one of those big lexus suv's.

since finding out about the accident and seeing the new car was a shocker to me. all i kept on thinking about was Jane. i would want to know if this happened to me! but he's my BIL. i was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place...

Jane mentioned a couple of days ago that she ever recieved a payment from him i decided to tell her abotu the car accident. i didn't tell her about the new car, baby news and wed because he made me promise not to tell her - now how pathetic was that?! i don't think his wife knows anything about Jane still being linked to John. i just don't think Jane should be linked to him anymore. I've also mentioned to her that she should speak to my other BIL, JOE. Joe in comparison to John is more of an upstanding citizen. They both still communicate so i told Jane to talk to Joe in hopes that he'll tell her everything. Jane's also close friends with Joe and his wife (jane was also the moh at their wedding). so i was hoping if she would talk to both Joe and his wife maybe they'll tell her everything...?

Now Jane's upset with me. she's upset that it took me so long to tell her about the car accident. i did apologize. i sent her an email explaining the situation... he's family and she's a good friend. i just didn't know how to approach it. i left it up to her to contact me when she's ready.

what do you think? am i making sense? give me your advice, pls. is there anything else i can do or should do? or let the ball roll off by itself from here on? anything would be greatly appreciated!

If I were you, and this is JMO, I would tell John in the nicest way possible thatyou refuse to keep secrets from Jane for him. You don't agree with the way he has treated her, etc.

I would also tell Jane that it is difficult for you to discuss this w/her because you love them both and don't want to hurt anyone.

That's a tough one!

I think Jane is probably very hurt that you didn't let her know. I think I'd have told her if I'd have been in your shoes....yes, she is your friend...he's is family but he has acted very irresponsibly. Imagine this girl with all this debt...trying to make payments while he is driving the lexus and has no worries. I think he should have provided some kind of payment to her but instead he's being self-centered and only looking out for him. It's good that you left the ball in her court. I think since you both are so close, she will eventually see things for what they are but right now she is probably very hurt about it. I think he needs to grow up and I feel bad for his wife for not knowing anything about this situation.

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Posted by justshir

THIS IS A LONG ONE..

a year and a half before hub and i married, my bil, JOHN dated this girl, JANE for several years. i saw a lot of her and we've become close friends... when i got engaged i asked her be my bride's maid and in between engagement and wedding day they had a really bad break up. but in the end, she handled everything so gracefully. he on the other hand...

while they dated (for several years) obviously they built a tight bond. his credit is less than perfect so she would help him get a car, credit cards, etx and all under her name. he's gotten her gifts for v-days, bdays, x'mas', etx all under the credit cards. some ppl just don't understand what it means to save money and he's one of 'em.

(he cheated on Jane and is still w the same woman. recently found out he got her preg and married her a couple of wks ago)

when they broke up they had baggage! and all about material things. the car & credit cards were under her name.. (hell! he even used it right after they broke up!) He needs his car to get to work so she let him continue with the car but only if he continues to pay for it. and then it's the credit card. he racked up about $6,000 worth! she needed that payed off and they worked it out (however not in her favor) by him paying $300 a month but as time went on he started paying less and less. it soon became $100 a month. he even debates all teh expensive gadgets he got jane should be collateral. legally speaking, a gift is a gift... not payment.

just a couple of months ago he got into a bad car accident. the car was totalled and ultimately he needed to get a new car. so with the insurance money he got one of those big lexus suv's.

since finding out about the accident and seeing the new car was a shocker to me. all i kept on thinking about was Jane. i would want to know if this happened to me! but he's my BIL. i was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place...

Jane mentioned a couple of days ago that she ever recieved a payment from him i decided to tell her abotu the car accident. i didn't tell her about the new car, baby news and wed because he made me promise not to tell her - now how pathetic was that?! i don't think his wife knows anything about Jane still being linked to John. i just don't think Jane should be linked to him anymore. I've also mentioned to her that she should speak to my other BIL, JOE. Joe in comparison to John is more of an upstanding citizen. They both still communicate so i told Jane to talk to Joe in hopes that he'll tell her everything. Jane's also close friends with Joe and his wife (jane was also the moh at their wedding). so i was hoping if she would talk to both Joe and his wife maybe they'll tell her everything...?

Now Jane's upset with me. she's upset that it took me so long to tell her about the car accident. i did apologize. i sent her an email explaining the situation... he's family and she's a good friend. i just didn't know how to approach it. i left it up to her to contact me when she's ready.

what do you think? am i making sense? give me your advice, pls. is there anything else i can do or should do? or let the ball roll off by itself from here on? anything would be greatly appreciated!

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R U sure his name is John & not James (my deadbeat soon to be BIL)

This guy sounds like a piece of work - very similar to my almost BIL but I am not friends with any of his women (there are several but they all know about each other and still pay for all his things ???)

I think you need to tell your deadbeat BIL that you won't keep his secrets and he should be man enough to pay his own way and pay Jane back all that he owes her.

After you tell him what a jerk he is and that he needs to grow the heck up, call Jane and let her know.

She probably feels like your BIL screwed her over and by not telling her certain things you took his side - although it's not the case since we all know he is dead wrong to owe her all that money and then run out and buy an expensive car (which I know comes at the price of expensive insurance and poor gas mileage too).

i would love to divulge all his bad-doings to Jane, but because john's my husband's brother i'm stuck especially when hub told me not to say anything. it's a cop out to me! but i understand hub's situation.

John's 30 years old and acts like a bratty teenager in high school who loves to play pretend like when he was in kindergarten. all his life's a facade. he's the black sheep of the family. i know in every family there's one but my goodness! he needs to grow up and be responsible. i totally agree! but with this guy... he just won't do it.

i've suggested Jane take him to court but she won't go that far.. so fine.. i then suggested she have him sign up for another credit card and have the balance transferred over or have him take out a loan, etx.. Jane suggested this to John and his excuse is he doesnt' have the credit to do that. what an a5s! no good for nothing jka5s!

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Posted by justshir

i would love to divulge all his bad-doings to Jane, but because john's my husband's brother i'm stuck especially when hub told me not to say anything. it's a cop out to me! but i understand hub's situation.

John's 30 years old and acts like a bratty teenager in high school who loves to play pretend like when he was in kindergarten. all his life's a facade. he's the black sheep of the family. i know in every family there's one but my goodness! he needs to grow up and be responsible. i totally agree! but with this guy... he just won't do it.

i've suggested Jane take him to court but she won't go that far.. so fine.. i then suggested she have him sign up for another credit card and have the balance transferred over or have him take out a loan, etx.. Jane suggested this to John and his excuse is he doesnt' have the credit to do that. what an a5s! no good for nothing jka5s!

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WHAT!!!! His credit is f'ed up but he went out and bought an expensive SUV. So, he paid cash?? He is in tons of debt, has crappy credit, owes Jane a buttload of money and apparently took all the cash from the settlement and blew it on an SUV. Good for nothing AZZHOLE!!!!

I dated a guy like him and I have a judgment against him and am having my lawyer put a lien on his house. Jane really needs to get a clue. This guy is not trying to repay all the money. He is just giving her scraps to keep her from suing him....which she really needs to do anyway.

she responded! yay! altho i wish it was under a different predicament but i'm glad she's coming around. her ego's just slightly bruised. ugh! i just wish john was a better person. if only there was a way to denounce him as family! hmmm... i need some voodoo magic! cast him away! ('charmed' is on TNT right now =P ) i hope, i hope, i hope everything works out for the best.

thank you for responding and helping me understand my problem. it really did help!

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Posted by kdrainey

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Posted by justshir

i would love to divulge all his bad-doings to Jane, but because john's my husband's brother i'm stuck especially when hub told me not to say anything. it's a cop out to me! but i understand hub's situation.

John's 30 years old and acts like a bratty teenager in high school who loves to play pretend like when he was in kindergarten. all his life's a facade. he's the black sheep of the family. i know in every family there's one but my goodness! he needs to grow up and be responsible. i totally agree! but with this guy... he just won't do it.

i've suggested Jane take him to court but she won't go that far.. so fine.. i then suggested she have him sign up for another credit card and have the balance transferred over or have him take out a loan, etx.. Jane suggested this to John and his excuse is he doesnt' have the credit to do that. what an a5s! no good for nothing jka5s!

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WHAT!!!! His credit is f'ed up but he went out and bought an expensive SUV. So, he paid cash?? He is in tons of debt, has crappy credit, owes Jane a buttload of money and apparently took all the cash from the settlement and blew it on an SUV. Good for nothing AZZHOLE!!!!

I dated a guy like him and I have a judgment against him and am having my lawyer put a lien on his house. Jane really needs to get a clue. This guy is not trying to repay all the money. He is just giving her scraps to keep her from suing him....which she really needs to do anyway.

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yes yes yes!! take this advice from kdrainey, print it and let her read it! is she hanging on to some hope-never really over him-thus her 'graceful' brake-up, like she never really accepted it? she needs to never speak him except thru her lawyer! how much will she take before its enough?

AND YEA for you KD for getting a lien on the ex's house! way to take action and not take crap!

This is really a tough one.
First...your friend Jane should take him to small claims court (Judge Judy) She will straighten his a$$ out.
Your friend probably feels that since you kept things from her you betrayed her friendship. I understand that he is you BIL but I would say something to him. Why should your friendship be jeopardized because he's an immature lil boy. It's definitely a sticky situation. I hope its resolved for your sake.