NWR - this is really upsetting but i need to let it out

In November my grandfather had a massive stroke that just disturbed his speech and hurt him slightly physically. He was at a nursing home and was doing okay but he was so not happy and therefore in spite he pulled his catheter out that created a huge infection making him fall very ill.

We found out the nursing home was not giving him much therapy because my grandfather is a proud man who didn't want help from anyone. He would also fight people when he would have an accident because because he felt shame. After getting an infection he had to be rushed to the hospital (tuesday night).

Tonight was my first night to see him since being in the hospital. I never in my life wished death to come. I never prayed as hard as I pray tonight for God to take his life. He refuses to eat and drink, he screams in pain. His eyes are barely visable and he waves you off to get out of the room. He doesn't want you to see him in this state and i know deep down he is refusing to eat or drink so he can die. I love my grandfather all though he is a difficult man but i understand him. I adored him as a child and now I sat next to him smiling and trying to hold his hand. All he could do is say please. I knew what he wants, he is pleading with us to end his life but all we can do is watch him die a horrible death.

My family signed the papers to not put him in hospice but to put him in a in between stage of just giving him iv's but no feeding tube. I talked to FH and said I wasn't sure if it would be best for me to quit my third job so i can visit him more and fh thinks I should quit and be with grandpa.

I then went to my parents house to get my laundry and went into my old room where i have all my wedding stuff. I picked up his invitation to the wedding that is ready to be mailed out and just wept. All i see is putting it in his casket now and how he always said I am waiting for your wedding then I am going to check out. He was a older man (90's) so he lived his life but its sad to see someone have to suffer like this.

I guess for all of us who have had people pass this year or who are witnessing the end of our beloved family members I wanted to express this to you all. I am sorry, I am sorry for the fact that life has to end and that we all must have to deal with all of this. I am sorry that it all seems to happen when the most important times happen in our lives or when a holiday is near. I just pray there is a god who welcomes all of our beloved friends and family and they will be there to help and guide us always.

I am also sorry grandpa for not being there as much as I should have and I am so sorry that I didn't get married sooner so you could of been there when you were healthy. I also pray that you get your wish and that you will soon be in heaven with grandma and no longer in pain.