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ok this is a downer question.

allornil Posted:

ok this is a downer question.

I'm a bit older than you guys, but I'm noticing a LOT of people I went to school with are divorced and I mean like...a LOT.

Two of my college friends have announced their divorces within the last few months. Both of these are shocking.

I, myself am divorced and that's why I've always been so hesitant to remarry.

Anyone else nervous about that? I mean, sometimes I think about it and I get nauseous.
FutureMrsLMS Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

I dont think this is a downer question at all, its just reality. People do get married for the wrong reasons, and unfortunately people divorce.

I'm in my early 30s and this is why I decided not to get married before I turned 25 (I was engaged at that age, and very glad we did not marry because we would have gotten divorced a few years later). You change so much as an individual when you are in your 20s...its a challenge to meet someone special and change WITH that person over the years..

2 of my close friends are going through a divorce now. One couple is a former co-worker of mine and he and his wife just finalized their divorce last month after a 13 year marriage. However, the reasons for that divorce were legitimate (he realized he was gay in his mid 30s and never could get intimate w/ his wife who he dated since high school). Another couple is classmate who got divorced 2 years ago after a 9 year marriage. I still can't figure that one out because they seemed like the overall perfect couple - they even looked alike.

So it is sad! I dont think it should be a knock on marriage, but it def should be something to think about before being hasty with the 'I do!' on wedding day!
Neeks Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

I dont see myself ever getting divorced .. I dont see it as an option for me becasue im taking the vows til death due us part . I feel like everyone goes through ups and downs and I am willing to work through it or I would not be marrying him. but I do understand that s h i t happens and sometimes ertain cicumstances call for it but I dont let it deter me or scare me becasue I feel like everything happens for a reason.

AudioLoveStory Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

This is a 2nd wedding for both myself and FH. Because we were both hurt before, we are a bit more cautious and we will be signing a prenup. I don't think it's really something that we worry about though; it's more that we like to look at things realistically.

I think it's important to always talk about the what-ifs. Does it affect our relationship at all? Absolutely not. If anything I think it makes it stronger because we don't have to worry about what would happen IF we become like so much of the population.
mybabylovesmoi Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

It does **** to think about divorce but it is a sad reality these days.

The only way I’d ever divorce FH is if he became abusive to me or our children or he cheated. I don’t see either ever happening.

I am more anxious about both of us becoming completely boring than divorce
mrsq2be Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

Posted by allornil

I'm a bit older than you guys, but I'm noticing a LOT of people I went to school with are divorced and I mean like...a LOT.

Two of my college friends have announced their divorces within the last few months. Both of these are shocking.

I, myself am divorced and that's why I've always been so hesitant to remarry.

Anyone else nervous about that? I mean, sometimes I think about it and I get nauseous.


umm... YEAH!!!!!! I ahve cried to FH about this! his parents are going through a divorce right now and I told him that we shouldn't bother eting married (something i would NEVER SAY) b/c it might jsut end in divorce! It is horrible to say, and i love him to death and i would never want to get divorced, but I am SOOO nervous of it ending like that...

I enver wanted to bring it up on here... I am glad other people feel like this too!
Mrsluv2be Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

Good question! I try to focus on how I can make my marriage work. I pray every night that God will bless my marriage. I think everyone wonders about divorce but you can't let it stop you from enjoying your relationship and getting married.

Thats-What-She-Said Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

I believe that some couples need to be divorced. I think that some situations ABSOLUTELY warrant divorce. However, I do think that some people do it just because they aren't getting along anymore or for other selfish reasons.
Neither FH or I believe divorce is an option. The circumstances would have to be extreme and I don't believe that they will ever get to that point.
allornil Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

I think the reality here is that we all say we don't believe in divorce but 15 years down the road, marriage and kids change things, people grow and evolve and they're not always willing to work on a relationship anymore.

My best friend from college just shocked me telling me that her husband is leaving. I can't even explain to you how much he said he'd NEVER get divorced..never, no matter what. and here it is 15 years after their wedding and he just told her it's done. This is someone from an uber old world Italian family. They don't believe in divorce.

I don't think we can guarantee what will happen in 15 years. It's so scary to me.

I remember a few things that have NEVER left my mind.

1 - my lawyer said, so many women never suspect anything. They never question anything until it blindsides them. Never be blindsided.

2 - the marriage counselor we went to once told me, you cant make a relationship work with just one person, even if it's for a short time, the links fail and it's impossible to remesh them.



AngnShaun Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

I have been lucky enough that the majority of marriages that took place in my family are still going on... today is my parents 41st Anniversary... Same with Shaun's family (excluding his own parents)...

but it would be silly to assume that my marriage is going to last forever... of course i hope and will try and make sure that it does... but things happen... people change... there are no guarantees
mrsq2be Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

Posted by allornil

I think the reality here is that we all say we don't believe in divorce but 15 years down the road, marriage and kids change things, people grow and evolve and they're not always willing to work on a relationship anymore.

My best friend from college just shocked me telling me that her husband is leaving. I can't even explain to you how much he said he'd NEVER get divorced..never, no matter what. and here it is 15 years after their wedding and he just told her it's done. This is someone from an uber old world Italian family. They don't believe in divorce.

I don't think we can guarantee what will happen in 15 years. It's so scary to me.



I agree with everyting you said! you never know what the future will bring, even though you are against divorce etc....
allornil Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

oh well, just I'll just have to kill FH if he leaves lol.

Thats-What-She-Said Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

I don't think there is anything wrong with not believing in divorce. There have been no divorces in either my own or Fh's family.

I am not criticizing anyone who does get a divorce, but I don't think that there is anything wrong with the concept of not getting divorced. I mean if I just thought 15 years from now my marriage would be over, I wouldn't be getting married. I would just live happily with my partner until things inevitably fell apart.
smilesjc81 Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

i think it's normal to worry

but if you remember that love is not a feeling but a choice to make things work.

i know most people dont go to church anymore- BUT there is a verse (thats popular at weddings)
it's 1 Corinthians 13

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8Love never fails.

Nothing about feelings in there at all
a marriage is a commitment through good and bad

The end of a marriage is always sad.

I hope with all my heart I have the courage I think I have to
stick it through and make mine work

but I know it takes two - and life is NEVER easy
monkeemunk Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

Ill just kill my fh if he leaves me! Lol. Nah we talk about this and we both would be willing to give it all and anything we got if it came to that point to work on it

DMLHeartsCRM Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

This is my FH's second marriage. He had married a complete psycho before and he wasn't sure he really wanted to get married again. She screwed him really bad in the divorce. *Note: I'm not just saying she's a psycho because she's his exwife i'm saying it legitimately she's crazy. See some of my older venting posts*

But we've discussed everything. IF it ever comes to a point where either one of us thinks the spark has gone out we'd try to work it out and if it can't be worked out...we'd part ways. But that's after an attempt. We have a pretty good understanding as of right now.
NellieBellie32 Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

both mine and fhs parents are still together.....i know that is completely rare......

me and fh have been living together so unless he cheats on me i dont think i would ever divorce
Luvbsb4eva Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

I never thought it would've ever happened, but it did happen to me. A few years ago I was a happy LIW '08 bride planning the day of my dreams like all of you. It took not even a year after the wedding for me to wake up and realize what my ex was doing to me. The verbal abuse was just getting worse and worse. For some reason though before the wedding I was in denial about it and kept telling myself that he would change, and things would get better. We were together for so long and I wanted that happy perfect life, I wanted my dream wedding, and he kept telling me that things would get better, but they never did. Finally, I got out, and luckily before children came into the picture and before I was physically hurt. The divorce will be finalized in a few months (South Carolina requires you to live apart for a full year before you can divorce). The best part is that I found a man who really does love me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated... and I've never been happier! And this time around I will make sure that I am getting married for the right reasons!

allornil Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

Posted by Luvbsb4eva

I never thought it would've ever happened, but it did happen to me. A few years ago I was a happy LIW '08 bride planning the day of my dreams like all of you. It took not even a year after the wedding for me to wake up and realize what my ex was doing to me. The verbal abuse was just getting worse and worse. For some reason though before the wedding I was in denial about it and kept telling myself that he would change, and things would get better. We were together for so long and I wanted that happy perfect life, I wanted my dream wedding, and he kept telling me that things would get better, but they never did. Finally, I got out, and luckily before children came into the picture and before I was physically hurt. The divorce will be finalized in a few months (South Carolina requires you to live apart for a full year before you can divorce). The best part is that I found a man who really does love me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated... and I've never been happier! And this time around I will make sure that I am getting married for the right reasons!


good for you! I think women do this a lot. They hope it will get better and we make excuses for it. I did that with my ex husband.

it took me 7 years to be legally divorced...most dramarific divorce ever..and we had no kids.
Dramatica Posted:

Re: ok this is a downer question.

to be honest I get so nervous about this.
before FH I was so sure i would never get married so that I could avoid those types of problems that only seem to come with marriage.

FH is younger than me..and has only been in one other serious relationship before me.

He was the one who discussed marriage.

I was upfront and shared my doubts. I even told him that I could see him reaching his late twenties and having a crisis..wondering why he married young.

we've talked about it so much already..I can only hope that once its 'official' we continue to do so. Even if it doesn't work out I would rather the communication be there

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