One of my BM's isn't going to my Bachelorette Party...

The thing is... it seems she really doesn't think it's a big deal at ALL. I mean, she has a good excuse... she's going on her honeymoon (which I didn't KNOW... she got married on July 1... didn't know her honeymoon would be Oct. 7th).

This was the girl who I always thought my MOH, but then said she would be too busy being a new doctor... then surprised me that she was getting married herself and got married 3 months later, before me, even though she wasn't too busy for that. Anywho...

So, I e-mailed her to ask if she can make it on Oct. 7, if we had it then, so she can try to get the day off. She said already has the day off, but she can't go with me because she'll be on her much deserved honeymoon, so she'll have to miss out on this one, but she 'expects to see lots of incriminating pictures. he he.'. Um... this isn't just dinner out. This is my bachelorette party! Not that I'm of course expecting her to change her honeymoon, but the bach party details haven't even been 'set', so we CAN change the date if key players can't make it, but it doesn't even sound like she wants to try. AND I know she's not exactly a party girl, but we're only doing a B-way show, dinner and the Culture Club... nothing overly crazy.

Also, if she's in the BP and doesn't go, how is that fair to the rest of my girls who go who pay for the Bachelorette Party for me? If she doens't go, it doesn't sound like she's offering to contribute anything. Is it standard for a BP member to still have to pay for anything if they don't attend the Bach party? How does that work?

i don't understand why you're upset if it's during her HM. a lot of BMs can't go to showers or BPs. one of my BMs couldn't go to either since she had to work. i was disappointed, but she is a great friend and i know she would be there if she could. i don't know if she contributed anything or not and really don't care.

you have to remember that your wedding is only very important to you and your FH. everyone else is excited, but may not see anything wrong with not being at things. and if it's her HM, what do you want her to do? if you change the date, let her know and see what she says.

i understand you're upset, but if other people will be there to celebrate with you, just go out and have a great time.

---

Posted by SummerBride06

i don't understand why you're upset if it's during her HM. a lot of BMs can't go to showers or BPs. one of my BMs couldn't go to either since she had to work. i was disappointed, but she is a great friend and i know she would be there if she could. i don't know if she contributed anything or not and really don't care.

you have to remember that your wedding is only very important to you and your FH. everyone else is excited, but may not see anything wrong with not being at things. and if it's her HM, what do you want her to do? if you change the date, let her know and see what she says.

i understand you're upset, but if other people will be there to celebrate with you, just go out and have a great time.

---

I think it's a whole vibe I get from her, like she doesn't care. I just always thought she would be 'there with me' more through my wedding - and vice versa. I was barely involved in her wedding planning, and not for lack of trying. But, it was only 3 months, and she didn't have a bridal party, bridal shower, bach party, etc. It was smaller scale. I think I'm just upset that I feel we've grown apart and I feel our relationship took a hit with the whole 'she was supposed to be MOH' thing. i think if she even wrote one sentence regretting that she would miss the Bach-party, I would feel better. But it was like, 'oh well! Take pics!'. Hello!! You're one of my BEST FRIENDS!! And the e-mail was to see if that date was good! Of COURSE, like I said, I know her HONEYMOON takes precendence over my b-party, but I can move my b-party if it looks like she wants to make the effort to attend, ya know?

---

Posted by sarahradio5

---

Posted by SummerBride06

i don't understand why you're upset if it's during her HM. a lot of BMs can't go to showers or BPs. one of my BMs couldn't go to either since she had to work. i was disappointed, but she is a great friend and i know she would be there if she could. i don't know if she contributed anything or not and really don't care.

you have to remember that your wedding is only very important to you and your FH. everyone else is excited, but may not see anything wrong with not being at things. and if it's her HM, what do you want her to do? if you change the date, let her know and see what she says.

i understand you're upset, but if other people will be there to celebrate with you, just go out and have a great time.

---

I think it's a whole vibe I get from her, like she doesn't care. I just always thought she would be 'there with me' more through my wedding - and vice versa. I was barely involved in her wedding planning, and not for lack of trying. But, it was only 3 months, and she didn't have a bridal party, bridal shower, bach party, etc. It was smaller scale. I think I'm just upset that I feel we've grown apart and I feel our relationship took a hit with the whole 'she was supposed to be MOH' thing. i think if she even wrote one sentence regretting that she would miss the Bach-party, I would feel better. But it was like, 'oh well! Take pics!'. Hello!! You're one of my BEST FRIENDS!! And the e-mail was to see if that date was good! Of COURSE, like I said, I know her HONEYMOON takes precendence over my b-party, but I can move my b-party if it looks like she wants to make the effort to attend, ya know?

---

i feel bad you're going through this. if that date works for everyone else, maybe you should just go and have a great time! it's hard enough to find a date that most people can attend.

some friends will surprise you during this whole wedding thing. if it seems like she's really not interested in going, don't change the date for her. then she'll go and be miserable because she doesn't want to be there and it might ruin your party.

just go and have fun and make sure you post those 'incriminating' pics of the broadway show

I am not sure I would be upset...I am getting married in Nov and going on my honeymoon in Jan. for many reasons we are buying a house and paying for the wedding plus FH has school.

One of my BM will not be attending my Bach party because she is taking a 3 month job somewhere else (mind you she can start after the wedding if she wants she has a job now) and doesn't want to have to pay to go on the plane twice once for the bach party and once for the wedding....and that's fine with me. This is what she wants to do with her life, my wedding shouldn't revolve on her life... Hey we are not 17 anymore and we all of responsiabilties, different money issues, and plans!

She is your friend and maybe she passed down the MOH role becuase she knew she wouldn't give you the support you needed and should get. A) Becuase she was planning her own wedding B) she just became adoctor C) maybe she didn't have the money to be your MOH.

It seem you are more made at the fact that she turned down the MOH role becuase she didn't have time and then goes and gets married. If this is the case why don't you talk to her about it...maybe there is something missing from the story.

---

Posted by luvabul

if its on her honeymoon...let it go, and shes becoming a doctor, shes a newlywed, shes probably overwhelemed...... but talk to her i guess see if u can re-schedule ...and what she feels about that

---

yeah... I e-mailed her and offered her one other date as an option. If she says no to that, then that's fine. We'll keep it the 7th and that will be fine. I just feel let down by her, in general. From the moment she waited 4 days to call me to tell me she got engaged - where I called her immediately to share the news when I got engaged. I don't know... it's not how I pictured it.

Don't get me wrong... I definitely don't blame her for taking her honeymoon during this time. That's not the 'problem' I have. It's the whole 'tone' in general of our friendship that's changed that I'm upset about.

Thanks for listening, girls!

---

Posted by sarahradio5

---

Posted by luvabul

if its on her honeymoon...let it go, and shes becoming a doctor, shes a newlywed, shes probably overwhelemed...... but talk to her i guess see if u can re-schedule ...and what she feels about that

---

yeah... I e-mailed her and offered her one other date as an option. If she says no to that, then that's fine. We'll keep it the 7th and that will be fine. I just feel let down by her, in general. From the moment she waited 4 days to call me to tell me she got engaged - where I called her immediately to share the news when I got engaged. I don't know... it's not how I pictured it.

Don't get me wrong... I definitely don't blame her for taking her honeymoon during this time. That's not the 'problem' I have. It's the whole 'tone' in general of our friendship that's changed that I'm upset about.

Thanks for listening, girls!

---

Times change, people change...I have friends that I hold dear and wouldn't hesitate, like you did, to call them the absolute second the ring was slid on my finger...yet as close as I held them, they didn't feel the same. I had a friend get engaged a few months after me. I found out from someone else a month after it happened. I wasn't at the top of her list even though she was at the top of mine.

Your lives are shifting in different directions and even though you might feel like she's brushed you off and used time as an excuse, she might feel truly awful about it. New doctors have very rigid and strict schedules not to mention, every decision they make can be life-saving...so she knew from the beginning that she had to focus on her career and her own wedding so she turned down the MOH offer to be fair to you as she knew she couldn't handle the stress of work, her own wedding and yours.


And nothing happens the way we picture it...I lost my voice the day before my wedding...YIKES. I just went with it...now it makes for a very funny story. Some girls get mud splashed on them right before the ceremony.....BMs can't make showers or bachelorette parties for a variety of reasons [aside from their honeymoons]...these are all things that as brides-to-be, you have to learn to either let it go and roll with it or let it eat you up and stress over it and get angry over nothing.

Like someone said, our own weddings aren't the center of our friends' lives. Don't let this ruin a friendship.

One of my bridesmaids didnt come to my bachelorette party, she is in law school-was very busy and out of state- and I totally understood-

its this girl's honeymoon-she has a lot going on in her life- you can suggest the willingness to change the date to accomodate her, but I wouldnt give her a hard time , i know you feel bad-as did I-but try not to be too hard on her and have fun!

It's almost impossible to find a date that works for everyone in your bridal party to come for a shower or a bachelorette party.

As for cost, they should split it amongst all of them, even the ones who aren't there. That's the way it's always been in weddings I've been in (even if I couldn't attend).

It's hard to hear that someone who is important to you will not be able to attend. It sounds like you think she's not excited to be a part of your big day! I'm sure she is!

I see your point Sarah and I think it stinks that you are getting the 'oh well' tone rather than the 'I'm one of your best friends and I can't make it-- I'm sorry, that really stinks but I will def take you out another time when I get back and have fun, etc etc'. I mean, two people could not make my sister's BP so they apologized, said they would take her out seperately, on and on-- very nice about it and it really seemed like they were genuinely upset that they couldn't make it for WHATEVER reason. It doesn't really matter the reason... I think what you are looking for is for her to be a LITTLE bummed that she couldn't make it.

Definitely go out and enjoy yourself anyway and don't even worry about it b/c some people just don't prioritize friends the way others do. I know if the shoe was on the other foot you would be very upset and apologetic and do something nice to make it up to her-- but unfortunately, people don't always see things the way we do. Sorry again, it's definitely a little bit of a let down-- but have fun no matter what!!!

---

Posted by SummerBride06

i don't understand why you're upset if it's during her HM. a lot of BMs can't go to showers or BPs. one of my BMs couldn't go to either since she had to work. i was disappointed, but she is a great friend and i know she would be there if she could. i don't know if she contributed anything or not and really don't care.

you have to remember that your wedding is only very important to you and your FH. everyone else is excited, but may not see anything wrong with not being at things. and if it's her HM, what do you want her to do? if you change the date, let her know and see what she says.

i understand you're upset, but if other people will be there to celebrate with you, just go out and have a great time.

---

I agree 100%, don't sweat the small stuff

If she is going on her honeymoon you can't get mad at her. It is not standard for yout Bms who aren't attending the Bach Party to payfor anything. \My bach party ( which I didn't even want) is in two weeks and one of my BMs isn't going, and she is my FSIL, but her husbands cousin is getting married that night.

I understood...

It is not like she can't be at my shower. That is the important one...

The only way my BMs can attend a b-party is if it is held TWO days before my wedding. There is NO way on this earth I am having a b-party that close to the wedding.

So, I will be having a grand old time with a bunch of LIW girls instead!! And trust me, it will indeed be a grand old time.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!!!!!!!!!!