Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

That would be Rehearsal Dinner. On my side, mainly, I have about 20-25 out of towners who are not being invited to the Rehearsal Dinner (cost prohibitive, mainly...I am from Texas, where the tradition is for all out of town guests to be invited to the RD. I understand that in NY, this is not the custom. Plus I do not expect FILs to cough up that much $$). My question is this:
Can anyone think of a way I can acknowledge them the night before the wedding so that they do not feel forgotten, abandoned or left out? Most of these people have never been to LI before and will be left sort of dangling in the wind Friday night. Yes I understand that they are adults and can navigate themselves around fairly well, especially in a town like Port Jefferson (as FH keeps pointing out), but I still don't want them to think we have totally left them out of things. Here are some suggestions:
1) Throw a cocktail hour for them at a restaurant somewhere in PJ...FH says we do not have enough $$ to do this.
2) Have someone else ( a close friend) organize a semi-organized cocktail hour where they pay for their own drinks and sort of mix and mingle;
3) Leave gift baskets in the room with local stuff and brochures for restaurants and stuff to do (also seems $$).
These out of towners are mainly aunts, cousins and very close friends from high school and college that I do not want to offend or alienate. Any ideas? Thanks!

Re: Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

oh! Tough situation. Given the customs in Texas, I think you should definitely do the gift baskets in the hotels. My friend did this and it was really appreciated. You can really do this to fit most budgets. Buy some gift bags. Throw in a letter with info about local restaurants (maybe even cute - like a zagats-esque thing) and local things to do. Hit cosco or BJs or whatever and buy large bags of pretzels, snack mix, water/juice and separate into smaller ziploc bags. If you bake, make some cookies ahead of time and leave in the freezer until right before the wedding - defrost and place a few in ziplocs. Fresh seasonal fruits are also a good addition. Like I said, you can get as crazy or minimal as you want. I have to say, we really appreciated them. Good luck!

Re: Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

Hi Rachel,

I think #1 and #2 are both acceptable - but I don't know if its proper to make the out-of-towners pay.

Do you have an aunt or close-friend who could host something for them?? How about a BBQ, or maybe even order in some pizzas - nothing formal, just so people have something to do that night and can mingle.

When my brother get married in DC, my SIL didn't want everyone to see the church ahead of time (or have 60 people at her RD), so she had an aunt host a BBQ (pretty inexpensive). They had out-of-towners plus the some of the bride's cousins, so that everyone could meet. I think it made for a better reception the next day - everybody kind of knew each other.

JMO - but you really can't expect out-of-towners to try to navigate themselves around.


Good Luck to you with whatever you decide!!!

Re: Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

of course #3 is the most affordable...I think it would be OK...

but maybe see if a local relative can host a BBQ or something...

My uncle told everyone to go to a local diner and he picked up their tab...

can you work something out with the hotel restaurant?

are FILs from NY or TX...if TX...they probably expect to pay for it...

Re: Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

Gift baskets are a really good idea! If I were from out of town attending a wedding, I think that would make me feel comfortable and not left out at all... But then again I am from NY and not familiar with the custom of out of towners at Rehearsal Dinners. Someone also mentioned a BBQ or some kind of house get together thrown by a local relative. I think that's a nice idea too! Whatever you decide I am sure they will understand! Good luck!!

Re: Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

I too wish I could invite my out of town guests to our RD but it is financially impossible. It would mean paying for over 20 adults and have a bunch of kids (FH's cousins brought a nanny with them to stay with kids in hotel during the wedding). If we were not paying for the wedding ourselves we would have paid to have all out of towners at the RD but that is not the case.
I am doing welcome bags. And the bags are very inexpensive to do. I got gift bags 2 for $1 on sale at Michael's. I got a big valuepak of pototoe chips/cheese doodles on sale for 27 pkgs $5.99, LI postcards are .30 cents each at Genevose. I got free LIRR schedules, I am going to put in 2 bottles of water in each (not very expensive to buy these at Costco), I am going to make cookies (again, not expensive), tic tacs (again buy at Costco in bulk, under $10) and a few other little things. I will tie a Welcome Note to the bag handles with curly ribbon.
As long as the parents are aware that you cannot host all of the out of town guests I think it will be fine. I would not ask them to attend a party and pay for their drinks, but you can speak with the hotel about doing a small cheese and wine thing for them. That might not cost too much.

Re: Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

I'm lucky cause the FIL's will be paying for this.. we'll be having about 50-60 people at our RD!

What I think you should do is def make up hotel guest bags.. it shouldn't cost you a great amount of money, if you shop right Go to Costco/Price Club/BJ's and buy candy,chips, and sodas.. perhaps you can also write up a newsletter for them giving them a little insight on the wedding, get them a little excited..You can also include highlight information, like what to do, what to see.. this information you can get from any LI website.. print some stuff out off the internet in color and include it in their bags..

Perhaps you can include an inexpensive bottle of wine in the bags as well??

are you having a cash bar at your RD?? (one RD I went to did this) Dunno if this is ok with you, but maybe you can ask them to come down for a drink after the RD before you and the groom retire for the night?

Re: Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

I think the gift baskets are a great idea! Go to MacArthur airport they have loads of L.I. tourist (wineries, game farms, other sites and attractions) brochures--FREE-- that you can use to stock up the baskets with...

Re: Out of Towners Not Invited to RD - Long

You can get free brochures and LI Guides from the Visitors and Convention Bureau. That is what I did for my welcome bags. A welcome letter with suggested things to do. Wine Country Brochure, Bottle of Pindar Wine, LI Guide, Three Village area brochure, snacks (from BJ's) and bottles of water. Also in the welcome letter was an itinerary of events.