Overreacting?

Our wedding will be FH's second wedding. His first marriage lasted just a hair longer than Kim K's marriage to Kris Whateverhisnameis. Anyway, I was going to order a packet of matchbooks from TheKnot b/c they're having a Cyber Monday sale. Just as I was going to click the button to buy them, FH chimes in 'Well we (first wife) did matchboxes and we had a ton left over.'

I cancelled the sale.

He doesn't understand why I'm cancelling the sale. Number 1, I want ZERO to do with anything resembling the first wedding. Number 2, we're inviting a bunch of people who went to the first wedding and the LAST thing I want is someone to say 'Oh, didn't you have this at your first wedding' cause I would flip a table Teresa from RHONJ-style. Number 3, some of the friends are still friends with 1st wife and the I don't want her to get any satisfaction over knowing this.

I'm really, really bummed because I wanted the matchboxes. I know tons of brides do them, but he did it already and it's not special. Should I just get over it and order them? I know me, and I know I'll just think of first wife and first wedding, but I'm willing to hear opinions to the contrary.

Please let me know ASAP because I need to place the order before Cyber Monday is over LOL. In the meantime, I'm ordering 400 cocktail napkins.

Overreacting?

Just do it! I get what you're feeling, but it's not something so totally unique that it will stick out in people's minds that his last wedding had it too. It's just a nice touch that lots of people have. I bet not one person sees them and connects it with his first wedding. If you want it - go for it!

Overreacting?

Hey! I don't think you're overreacting. This is my FH's 2nd wedding too and I want nothing that will remind anyone of the 1st wedding. I made sure my dress was brand new so there was no way it could be the same dress, I'm hoping it's not the same style. I made sure the colors were not the same. The wedding venue is a totally different style. Everything is totally different and that's for a couple of reasons. 1 - yes, I don't want anyone else comparing the two, 2 - I don't want to resemble it for his sake, but 3 - I just want the day to be about us and make totally new memories. So for me, although matchbooks are such a cute idea, I'd try to find a different idea that can be something just for the two of you. People who aren't going through the same exact thing as you won't understand. In my opinion, if he already thought of it and you are already feeling uneasy about it these feelings will not go away. Good luck!!

Re: Overreacting?

Thanks, ladies! I don't want to come off petty or jealous or crazy, but I know this is something that would really bother me. I thought I was above these feelings, but sometimes the ex-wife brings out my insecurities for no logical reason.

I'm also frustrated because FH doesn't understand why I got upset. I asked him if there were other things he had that I should know about. Smart a$$ goes 'Well, we had flowers. Should we not have flowers?'

God, give me the strength...

Overreacting?

Haha, I totally understand you. My FH doesn't understand me either. Every time I ask him something he just says 'I don't remember, I blocked it out.' Probably the answer I want to hear, but not helpful. Good luck!!

Re: Overreacting?

Thank you! We had a similar conversation yesterday about where we want to take our engagement pictures. Argyle Park is out because that's where he took pictures for the first wedding. Then he suggested the Arboretum in Oakdale, which I was on board with. And then he said that's where he proposed to first wife.

Great.

Expect a post in the next few months about where to take engagement pics.

Overreacting?

I don't think you're over reacting or being petty, especially if you don't have any kind of relationship with this woman. I know that, even though I've come a long way as far as jealousy is concerned, I would be incredibly self conscious if FH was married once before. Not sure if you can get it in in time or if the knot even has them, but I've seen match boxes (or at least they look like it) with toothpicks inside instead of matches. Always loved the idea.

Overreacting?

I don't think you are overreacting at all. That would bother me too. On the other hand, it does sound as though he is just trying to be helpful by sharing his experience with weddings. I would ask him to not mention his previous wedding unless you are about to make a decision that would clearly be a copy of his previous wedding like where you get your e-pics or something as you mentioned.
He can always say something like: 'oh just be sure not to order too many because they often go to waste'
Just tell him how you feel and ask him to be a little aware while he is trying to help, which you appreciate.
I am in a similar situation, except I was the former bride. Luckily, my first took place in an entirely different area. I try to share my experience without including that I know about it because I did it before! I want this to seem like the only wedding I have planned because it IS the only one that matters!

Re: Overreacting?

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Posted by adele and mark 2013

I don't think you're over reacting or being petty, especially if you don't have any kind of relationship with this woman. I know that, even though I've come a long way as far as jealousy is concerned, I would be incredibly self conscious if FH was married once before. Not sure if you can get it in in time or if the knot even has them, but I've seen match boxes (or at least they look like it) with toothpicks inside instead of matches. Always loved the idea.

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Well, I do have a relationship with first wife b/c they have a daughter together. It's a cordial relationship and I know the circumstances of my wedding are totally different than the first wedding, but still to the extent possible I don't want to do anything to match (even remotely) the first wedding. I've gotten a lot better about my jealousy also, but IDK why the ex-wife brings it out in me. We're the complete 180 degree opposite of each other so there shouldn't be any comparison.

Re: Overreacting?

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Posted by Karin

I don't think you are overreacting at all. That would bother me too. On the other hand, it does sound as though he is just trying to be helpful by sharing his experience with weddings. I would ask him to not mention his previous wedding unless you are about to make a decision that would clearly be a copy of his previous wedding like where you get your e-pics or something as you mentioned.
He can always say something like: 'oh just be sure not to order too many because they often go to waste'
Just tell him how you feel and ask him to be a little aware while he is trying to help, which you appreciate.
I am in a similar situation, except I was the former bride. Luckily, my first took place in an entirely different area. I try to share my experience without including that I know about it because I did it before! I want this to seem like the only wedding I have planned because it IS the only one that matters!

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Exactly! ITA.

Overreacting?

Edit: Don't mean to sound dismissive. I would just hate to have you eliminate a ton of things you like :)

Overreacting?

This s FH second marriage as well. Im lucky because he just had a courthouse wedding so nothing is going to be even remotely the same.No one will probably even remember the matchbooks but if I were you I wouldn't do them.

Re: Overreacting?

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Posted by KK19

Edit: Don't mean to sound dismissive. I would just hate to have you eliminate a ton of things you like :)

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I didn't take it that way at all :). I totally get where you're coming from. After thinking about it, I know if it's something I really really felt strongly about I would figure out a way to add a unique twist to it, this way it's more of a reboot of a classic if that makes sense.

Re: Overreacting?

This is actually a second wedding for BOTH FH and I. There are certain things that I CLEARLY don't want to be the same as either first wedding (venue, first dance, dress, etc.). However, some things ARE going to be similar, the aspects of our first weddings that were representative of each of US. For example: while the venues are quite different, both my first wedding and this one (FH's first too, now that I think about it) are on the water with the ceremony outside, because that's how I always imagined getting married. I didn't want to lose that dream/those memories/those photo ops just because it didn't work out the first time...

Also, FH is a musician. He wrote the processional music for his first wedding. He will be writing the music I walk down the aisle to as well. He actually asked my MOH if he should do it before he talked to me about it, because he didn't want me to be upset that he did it once before. But the music itself will obviously be different and OURS.

The way I see it, certain things are GOING to be the same (the long white dress, the exchange of rings, music, food, etc.), so as long as there is ENOUGH that's different, I'm happy with it. We have definitely put OUR personal touch on a lot already and will continue to do so. PLUS, a lot changes in 13 years, so just that time lapse will make it different from the others...

If there's something you REALLY want, I say go for it! If the overall feel/impression of your day is different from his first wedding, no one is going to comment on the fact that both weddings had personalized matchbooks. However, what's most important is that you are comfortable and happy on that day. If you're going to look at those matchbooks and smile and say 'I always wanted those at my wedding,' then it's a no-brainer to do it. If, however, you'll look at them and think of nothing but his ex-wife, skip it. You deserve to be free of that burden on that day.