Parents

Here's an interesting , albeit morbid topic for discussion

We're not in the situation yet, but we've talked about it:

What will you do when one or both parents are no longer able to take care of themselves.

I thought it would be interesting to get everyone's take on it

Have you discussed with DH/DW?
Are you in agreement?
Have you discussed with siblings?

In our case, I am an only child and Boosh has an autistic brother, so she's the only one capable of taking care of parents. While I would never turn my back on my parents or hers for that matter, all of the parties (us and all four parents )involved agreed that when the first parent dies, the other will get an apartment close by us.

In Boosh's brother's case, when her parents or whoever is left is unable to care for him, he will go into a permanent residence.

Everyone in our situation agrees that it's best that we don't have any parents moving in, as we have our own life. But we will still make the best accomodations available. Then, when they can no longer care for themselves, a nursing facility will be factored in.

I know it's a sticky subject, wanted to see how you all are approaching it.

Both of DH's parents have already passed.

We joke now about having my mom (who is an incredibly young 63) come live with us. But that's now because we would enjoy her company. I don't really know between us & my brother (who lives in MA) how we would deal with her needing to be cared for ...


No real thoughts on my dad but I suspect he will be like my grandmother - in her late 80's still living in her own home out in the Hamptons, working part time.

I always tell my parents to make sure that they have enough money set aside so they can afford a nice nursing home.


In reality I am not sure what will happen. My parents are still in TN. and don't want to leave. I am the only child left so the responsibility is solely mine. I am sure that we will come up with a plan. My parents are only 52 and 54 so we have a while to decide.

We are already in a sort of situation like this. I am the older child and my father died a few years ago. My mother has been insane and a tough cookie. She is not nice, has not moved on with her life and basically makes my life miserable. Although she doesn't live with me, we do live nearby each other.

Honestly, if I didn't have so much guilt, I would pack up and leave, however, I don't have hutzpah to do it.

My sister is useless and so self absorbed that she doesn't see anything that I put up with.

I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone. I hope when I get old, I just die quickly so that no one has to take care of me. It is the most miserable experience of my life thus far.

I am the oldest of 7, if my dad goes, my mother said she will just float around and change houses every 2 months, which is fine. If my mom goes, my dad will probably just stay on his own.

I do not wish to have my inlaws with me..but if need be, I would like his mom to live with his sister and I will send her a check each month to help cover food and utilities. My FIL is schizophrenic, he will never live in my home, I hope he will be happy where ever he is placed when the time comes

One of the reasons I live in an apartment above my MIL is because she is a widow.
Both DH & I agreed that it was important she had us close by. Her other son lives in Suffolk and we wanted to make sure she has family around.
When we buy a house I do not know if she will move close by, stay where she is or come with us. If she came with us, she would have to have her own living space ... that we all collectively agree on.
She's realatively young and independent but yet she is dependent on her two children a lot. A lot of people have told me they could never be in my situation but to me, it's family and we need to make sure everyone is OK.
She's a great lady and gives me my space and respects our privacy and I like that she is in the house. It's better than living under some strangers roof.

DH and I don't have a set plan and haven't quite hashed this out , nor spoken about it per se..

But its always in the front of my mind these days, as I am super-close to my parents and they are older (Mom is 64, Dad is 72). So its not likely have 20+ years to figure this out

I have one older brother, and inevitably he will wind up having his mother in law moving in with him and his family - so that leaves me with having to deal with my parents mostly likely. We live minutes apart presently, and my Dad would probably be fine on his own for some time.. my Mom on the other hand, she will be a problem. I will not move far away for these reasons, because I would worry too much if anything were to happen to one parent.

I have a very difficult time thinking about ever putting either parent into any sort of assisted care if that time comes - I do believe that I will wind up caring for them to the best of my abilities, yet I know this will take its toll on MY family. I do not embrace the idea of them living with my husband and I (and our future children) but if necessary, I *might* consider this.

As for DH's parents, I honestly cannot say. They live closeby Anthony's brother, and I know my MIL would be very self sufficient and capable of taking care of herself for many years (they are considerably younger than my parents).

I do feel as though no matter how much I 'plan' for this, there will truly be no real way of knowing what exactly will happen when that time comes. I just hope I do the right thing where everyone is concerned.

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Posted by FeliciaDA

DH and I don't have a set plan and haven't quite hashed this out , nor spoken about it per se..

But its always in the front of my mind these days, as I am super-close to my parents and they are older (Mom is 64, Dad is 72). So its not likely have 20+ years to figure this out

I have one older brother, and inevitably he will wind up having his mother in law moving in with him and his family - so that leaves me with having to deal with my parents mostly likely. We live minutes apart presently, and my Dad would probably be fine on his own for some time.. my Mom on the other hand, she will be a problem. I will not move far away for these reasons, because I would worry too much if anything were to happen to one parent.

I have a very difficult time thinking about ever putting either parent into any sort of assisted care if that time comes - I do believe that I will wind up caring for them to the best of my abilities, yet I know this will take its toll on MY family. I do not embrace the idea of them living with my husband and I (and our future children) but if necessary, I *might* consider this.

As for DH's parents, I honestly cannot say. They live closeby Anthony's brother, and I know my MIL would be very self sufficient and capable of taking care of herself for many years (they are considerably younger than my parents).

I do feel as though no matter how much I 'plan' for this, there will truly be no real way of knowing what exactly will happen when that time comes. I just hope I do the right thing where everyone is concerned.

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i feel the same way

with my parents, whoever goes first, the other will need assistance, my mom doesn't drive, dad can't cook.

in boosh's case, her dad is older, but more self sufficient than her mom.

i wouldn't be opposed to having them live in the same place, in their own space, but all parties have said that they want to respect our life and will move into assisted living when the time comes

I've got a bag of issues concerning this matter. My mother is showing ever so slight signs of alzheimer's (her father passed from it) and we're worried that she'll go downhill fast (he got it around 76 and was dead by 86 but it was TEN LONG years of him wandering out of the house, not remembering who anyone was, diapers, etc.). My Dad will be 74 this year and he's not 100% healthy either. If my Mom passed before my dad (highly unlikely with his weight/health), I would feel alot more comfortable leaving Dad to live by himself for awhile. Eventually we'd take him in. Mom would be another story because she would need round the clock care if she does go that route. I've tried to discuss a plan of action with my brothers but no one wants to hear of it - they're all live for today, worry about tomorrow when it comes. My sisters big solution is to fly either surviving one down to live with her in Texas but she can barely take care of herself and her kids on a good day and she's not good at all with money. I can see the $$$ thats supposed to be used for their care and retirement being pi$$ed away.. Regardless, I will not see either of my parents go in a nursing facility. Somehow I would figure things out and they'd stay with us. Play into this scenario my soon to be 94 year old grandmother who is semi-living on her own. I have daily prayers that my folks outlive her because she's more difficult to tolerate (as much as I love her). Stubborn to the core.

Then you have Bob's parents. Both alive but both are in bad health. Longevity is not good in their family (all grandparents with exception of one died in early 60's) and since both have heart troubles, it's a crap chute who will go first. Either of them would be a bitter pill to swallow if they lived with us. His father is just plain difficult - nosey to the core, OCD+++, rude, crass, gross, etc. MIL well, what can I say that hasn't been said? I wouldn't turn them out because I would hate Bob if he expected the same from me, but it would be hard. They've already done enough damage to our relationship from outside the perimeter, I could only imagine how bad things could be if they lived in my home. Brother is moving to FL and his wife (a.k.a. Cold Hearted Snake) would NEVER go for them living in w/her.

we havne't discussed it, but I thikn about it soemtiems, msotly when I see our parents delaign with their parents. All four parents are about the same age 58/59.

DH is an only child, so I have a feeling we will always live close to his parents ( we are less than a mile away now. . . )

I have a brother--he lives with my parents, I told him the other day that he'll have to drive my parents around when they can't, and he said it doidnt' want to , but he would probably have to.
I feel like I would kinda have to take care of him to, b/c he has never lived on his own.

Sometimes, I also worry about my Godmother since we are kinda close & she doesn't have any children of her own.

I think I could deal with 1 parent living withus ( except maybe MIL) but it depends on the circumstances.

DH and I have talked about it, we will be taking care of both sets of parents plus my mom's twin sister and/or husband because she has no children but has always treated us as her kids.
WE have let them all know that we will be putting them in an adult home that is withing 5 miles from our home, but assured them that ehy would have company since they are all going together (morbid and sick, but we joke with them all about this...we tell them we got a package deal) both sets of our siblings agree with this since they all want to be in Florida they will help with the financial costs ect.

my mom is a young 59 so im hoping i dont have to deal with this for a while. my dad passed away and mom has re married but my mom knows if she needed to live with me she is welcome at anytime. i am one of 5 but i know that besides my brother she wouldnt want to live with the others. i have a great relationship with my mom and if it wasnt for her opening up her home for the past two years to my dh and i we would never have been able to save and afford but a wedding and a home that needed to renovated in the same year. i actually would love to have her mom in with me and dh knows this and even calls one of the spare bedrooms yours moms room.

as for his parents they live in florida and his father is very healthy and if his mom passed would continue to live in florida and wouldnt want to come back to new york so we would just have to do frequent visits anbd trade of with his sister on going there for holidays. his mom would move back here im sure and either get a place close by or live with dhs sister in merrick.

I would DEFINATELY take care of my parents...And my DH knows that.
As far as my in-laws...well
I don't know what we would do.
I would leave that decision entirely up to my DH...I personally couldn't live with my MIL
BUT if that is what he wanted, and we are the only ones that would step up to the plate...i would do it.

WHAT I WILL NOT DO....
Take care of my BIL (he is 21 and a bum.) No job, no life no nothing...he chooses this.
In case something was to happen to my MIL (who BIL lives with)...I will not take him in! He will go to live with his father (even though he would rather be with us)

I would say I will be the one to take care of either one of my parents if the other passes away since I am the only girl and my 3 brothers hve basically said that is how it is going to be


DH has a brother but he is much closer to his parents and I would say it would fall on us to take care of them

Most likely, we would take care of them in our home.

Both my parents passed and let me tell you no mater what when they are so sick all you want to do is help them , these are the people who gave you life... I would in an instant have a widowed parent live with us. As long as there were boundaries. We have a legal mother daughter house. Sorry to be so blunt.