Here's my situation. . .maybe someone can help (or just comfort me):
His side of the family has 90 first relatives (aunts/uncles/first cousins) and a much bigger extended family that is invited to every family wedding. My family has EIGHT first relatives. His family can't contribute to the wedding and mine is not able to and does not want to pay for such a huge wedding. AND his family wants to throw an engagement party (they say the money from that wouldn't be a big enough contribution to the wedding anyway, so why would they use the money that way). I know people have issues with this. What are some options? His parents suggest we take whatever money we get from the wedding and use that to pay for whatever my parents can't pay for. But that would leave us w/nothing to start our lives together. We would have just finished school. Any my parents don't want us to do that b/c they want us to have that money. ARGH
lillian771
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Re: paying for the wedding
I understand your situation. My parents are covering the reception costs only, so probably around $20K. The rest is up to FH and I. We're saving right now and paying off a bunch of things toward the wedding. We hope to use the money we receive as wedding gifts to use toward our co-op or house. Unfortunately there's no easy solution!
JimmysBride
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Re: paying for the wedding
Well, I can totally empathize.... we are paying for the wedding ourselves and it's not easy, especially when both sides have huge families.
Consider cutting his side of the guestlist down and IMO I would not have the e-party or have a simpler one (maybe in someone's home? maybe one of his relatives, since they are very much into it?) and use the gift money toward the wedding. Please don't count on wedding gift money to pay for your wedding at the end.
Good luck!!
shelly3950
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Re: paying for the wedding
Honestly, I agree with you and your parents. I would rather have that nest egg, and not the big wedding. But everyone is different. Soem suggestions:
1. Elope with your family and close friends adn then have a cocktail party here.
2. Destination wedding- definitely weeds out guests
3. Have the wedding you can afford- whatever it is. If someone has a nice house, you can get married there. Get inexpensive catering, limit the alcohol to beer and wine.
I don't think a wedding is worth getting into debt for- JMO. But you and your FH need to do what is right for you.
bluetank
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Re: paying for the wedding
Me and FH are paying for our wedding ourselves. It is not easy. You first have to understand that you cannot please everyone. If you are paying for it then you have to figure out what you both are capable of doing. I would have a long engagment which will give you enough time to save money. If you save all the money for the wedding then you can use whatever you get from the wedding for you two-an apartment or maybe for a house. I dont know what kind of wedding you want. I would keep it on a smaller scale. If you cant invite all of FH's family then i think people will understand. It is your wedding so you have to do what you are both comfortable with. Say it comes to 250 people, that is alot to save for. If you have 200 that is much better. You need to set up a budget that you can stick to from now until the wedding. There are so many ways to have an affordable wedding. Like having it on a friday or a sunday. Start from there, but let me know what kind of wedding you were thinking of having. It will be fine
vhollo01
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Re: paying for the wedding
I actually had a similar situation - but on a much smaller scale - they wanted to invite the all the FMIL 's friends and her estranged and large family. I had a really rough first month of engagement because I spoke up for myself - telling those - well, dummies - (for lack of a better word) - that it's our wedding and we can invite who WE want, not who the FIL's want - we never asked for a dime, and I said if they want to give a monetary gift, then it should be a gift - not 'here is some cash, and here is how I want you to spend it. '
My Opinion - (with all due respect ) your inlaws, like mine, are way out of line.
My advice - sit down with the FH pick a place first - don't worry about the in laws guest list. This is the one time in your life you get to do this. I told my FH that his family was actually taking the joy out of the planning.
We stood our ground, and the message got across. Good Luck.
nov04LIbride
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Re: paying for the wedding
We are paying for it ourselves. How did we do it? I said I can pay for 100 people, 50 each side. Let them battle it out or pay from there!
vhollo01
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Re: paying for the wedding
Oh yeah - if your FH complains - like mine did - stick him on this website for a few hours too let it sink in how much everything costs.
I found that my FH really wanted his family to be happy ... great... but, 'our hero' had NO conception of how much everything costs - and neither did his family.
Maybe once he tries to set up a budget, he will see that you are right to try to keep it small. HAVE THE WEDDING YOU WANT
vhollo01
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Re: paying for the wedding
Posted by nov04LIbride
I said I can pay for 100 people, 50 each side. Let them battle it out or pay from there!
This is a great suggestion, just let the FIL's know that they not only have to pay for the per person fee, but also all the extras....ie tax & service charge pp, extra tip to BM for all extra people (3-5 pp), extra invitiations thankyous, favors and centerpeices.....
Maybe I'm being rough, but I was really offended at my FIL's for doing this
RedRoses
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Re: paying for the wedding
Thanks for your advise everyone. It's really helpful. The other fun part of this is that he's converting to Judaism (I am Jewish). So, it adds another dynamic to the mix. Also, we really don't have anything to save up and/or contribute until we get gifts. We're both in debt from graduate school and I won't have a job until the wedding. He'll only have had a job for less than a year before the wedding.
RedRoses
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Re: paying for the wedding
also, to give him some credit, my FH is really supportive and agrees with my parents. but, he cannot easily go 'against' his parents, especially since it will only make them angry and definitely not contribute.
he is going to get stuck with not inviting many of even his first relatives and the insult will fall on us and my family (vs his parents for making this so hard)
ppwbride
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Re: paying for the wedding
We're in a similar situation - paying for the whole thing ourselves - and currently trying to figure out how to pull it off. We've decided to have a very small affair - only 50 people. This way we're equally offending all our relatives - nobody beyond our immediate families is invited. Good luck!
Rainmama
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Re: paying for the wedding
We went through a similar situation so we just invited our parents, siblings, and closest friends.
Blu-ize
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Re: paying for the wedding
It is not their wedding. It is yours and your FH. Whatever is yoru choice goes. Start now before it gets out of hand. Good luck.
RedRoses
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Re: paying for the wedding
but what do you do about the fact that they/we all are always invited to all the weddings of these people that we would not be inviting?
nferrandi
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Re: paying for the wedding
The bottom line is, what kind of wedding do you and your FH want? If money is a factor in things, here are the 2 options that you really need to consider. If you have a big wedding, but still on a reasonable scale, you can use whatever money your parents are contributing and then charge everything else, hoping to make enough back at your wedding to pay off your debts and you walk away with no money. The other option is have a smaller wedding whcih you can pay for upfront and you will have some money after the wedding- obvioulsy not a ridiculous amount since you will have invited fewer guests- but you may have angry inlaws. Noone can really tell you what to do, but many of us can feel for you. sorry that you have to make a tough choice like this.
james'pokey
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Re: paying for the wedding
I must say that it is sad that weddings have become what they have but with that said, I think you can only do what you can. You can't make money off your wedding so why put yourself in debt for it? Explain to both sides that you can't possibly afford to feed all of these people. Maybe people will help in the end. Good Luck
bluetank
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Re: paying for the wedding
What exactly is FH's family contributing. I missed that part. Have a smaller wedding. Having the $$$ for after the wedding is much more important. We are having our wedding on a friday, inviting 200 people, which is much less then we started with and trying to cut costs in other ways. In the end, you and FH have to be happy with your decision.
CubanBride
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Re: paying for the wedding
The first is to decide how many people you CAN afford to pay for and stick to that. You CANNOTplease everybody. They will have to understand or just be angry, thats up to them. Don't go into debt for an event that will last one day. FH and I are paying for our wedding slowly out of the money we currently have. No one has contributed. This way no one has put in their two cents either. We have complete control over our wedding and we like it that way. Do what is best for the two of you and that is all you can do.
RedRoses
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Re: paying for the wedding
So far, FH's family is contributing nothing, but throwing and engagement party (their desire). However, once the wedding approaches, they MAY have some more money to throw in to the pot. But, it is pretty difficult to plan like that. And we've already thrown out Saturday night because of the cost, but we can't do Friday night b/c it's a Jewish wedding. So, we're looking at Sunday afternoon, Sunday night, or Sunday night before a Monday holiday. It is really unfortunate that such a happy occasion has to cause such tzoris (yiddish for stress and probably spelled wrong anyway). I've only been engaged for 6 days and I already have this feeling in my stomach and esophagus that someone shoved a big ball of cotton down there and it won't budge. Can't wait until the honeymoon--oh yeah, we'll have no money for that anyway.
