paying for the wedding

I don't know if this is an option for you, but...What about having a very small destination wedding with just your parents, sibilings, and maybe a few close friends. Then, you can have a celebratory party for family when you come home. Since your FH's parents are willing to pay for an engagement party, maybe their money can be used for the after-wedding party instead? This way it's not really a 'reception' so people might not have the same expectations (5 course meal, etc) and it can be as casual or formal as you want. Good luck

---

Posted by jenniesunshine

I don't know if this is an option for you, but...What about having a very small destination wedding with just your parents, sibilings, and maybe a few close friends. Then, you can have a celebratory party for family when you come home. Since your FH's parents are willing to pay for an engagement party, maybe their money can be used for the after-wedding party instead? This way it's not really a 'reception' so people might not have the same expectations (5 course meal, etc) and it can be as casual or formal as you want. Good luck

---

I agree. A friend of mine did this recently and it appeased both her and her FH and their families. Let them take the money they were going to spend on the e-party and spend it on the reception. Good Luck!!

- yup - I think that's all you can say.

My issue is my dad - his Italian family is huge and he has tons of family friends we've known for years. Plus, he is a proud dad.

So, this is what I did. I looked at the money we had, and made a budget, and based on the budget, figured we could afford to have a wedding with a certain number of people. I divided the list up - and gave each side of the family plus us the same number of invites (since we're all contributing equally). Then, I let everyone know that they could invite more than that number if they wished, but we would need help paying for it. I wasn't mean, but straightforward. Then, it's up to them. This way, you're fair, everyone is on notice, and they get to choose what's important to them. It seems silly (no offense to your FILS) to throw an engagement party when you don't have enough money to throw the wedding you want. I'm not saying my solution has been easy - everyone wants to invite everyone they know - but it's working. And, when people write down their list, it becomes obvious that SOME people can be left off and it won't start WWIII. Good luck - the guest list has been the hardest part of my planning. I just think being straightforward and honest is the best thing.

Also, one last bit of advice. My friend got married before me, and she told me before I got engaged, that when it happened, tell everyone you are NOT doing any planning for a month. She said you don't have to stick to it yourself, but it gives you and your FH time to enjoy being engaged, and then it keeps everyone off your back until you have time to think about what you two really want. So, it's a little late now, but both you and your FH should tell everyone you're taking some time off of planning now, and you'll let them know when you're ready to start this discussion. It gives them time to think, rather than react to the emotion of the engagement, and you both time to think, as well. I hope this is helpful. Enjoy this time - you'll never get it back!! (And from what I hear, it just gets more stressful).

thanks
STACY&JOE my FH's dad's side is Italian too. That's where most of the invites are coming from so I understand what you're saying! His mom's Irish, so that's not such a small list either.

We may be on our way towards working something out. His parents may commit to contributing money little by little to our future together (ie: helping to pay back some school loans) which will make my parents feel more comfortable about the cost of the wedding. I was thinking we'd still keep it limited to first relatives on his side since they're not paying and that list alone is still 90 and then ask my parents if they'd let us use gift money to pay for 1, 2, or 3 vendors. We'll see how that goes.

Yeah, good idea about that month idea, but too late! I had a nice 4 days I think? Anyway, everyone was talking about engagement parties, so I had to bring it up before that all got planned away.

Thanks. . .feeling a LITTLE better

I'm glad I could help.

Once the initial excitement wears off, you will have down time. Enjoy it when it comes, because then you'll be up and running again. I just know that feeling - the stress of planning can take all the joy out of it and leave you with . I'm glad it's working out. Keep us posted!

It sounds like your FH's parents are firm believers in 'the bride's family pays'.

Perhaps it's best if you just suck it up and save yourselves. Do you have a date yet? Do you think you can save it all yourselves? Can you ask FH's parents not to throw the e-party and instead use that money towards the wedding? On the upside, maybe you'll get money as e-party gifts and you can use that towards the wedding.

I find that while it's a pain to save yourselves, maybe it's better in the long run because no one else can have a say in how you do things.

Good luck