Peeve

Ladies, I'm really sorry, but I'm so sick of seeing the phrase 'cover your plate'. I need to get this off my chest.

I wrote something similar late one night in a reply to a 2010 question about thank you's if someone doesn't bring a gift to the wedding, but I'm going to reiterate.

PS, FH disagrees with me wholeheartedly, which is probably why we have differences of opinion re: our budget.

I DO NOT think people should be expected to cover their plate when they are invited to an event. Any event.
We are inviting our family and friends to celebrate our marriage, and our love for one another. It's not a business. These people are our guests, not our customers. I'm asking people to come to an event to celebrate something with me, that's all I want is their presence. Gifts are nice, and money is always helpful, but I don't want to count on my family and friends to pay for my wedding. And this is where FH disagrees: Throw the party you can afford. If you can't afford it without kickbacks, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. It's not fair to get upset or angry with people who don't give ENOUGH of a gift. I may be upset that someone didn't think enough about me to get me even a card or a trinket, but if they hand me an empty envelope, I will not be angry, at least they had some sentiment in their heart.
In New York we are so things-centric it;s kind of sad. I wouldn't want a family member or friend to miss my wedding, the most important day of my life so far, because they couldn't afford to give me something. And I would hope that they feel the same way about inviting me somewhere. I would never personally show up without a gift, but often my money is tight. I would never want to have someone mad at me because I was incapable of giving an extravagant gift.
And if it's someone who I only want there because they can give me a good gift, I don't really want them there.

'Cover your plate'. I Effing hate that phrase.

//rant.

well said girl

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Posted by Ang9483

I think it depends. If you know someone can give a gift and they don't then I think thats isn't right. My neighbor had a wedding a few years ago invited his best friend who said oh man I forgot our card in the car at the end of the night and said he was going to get it and then never came back to the wedding and never talked to my neighbor again. I guess he just wanted a free meal and dessert. If a close family member I knew couldn't afford to give a lot then I wouldn't be mad if they gave a small amount since I wanted them there. But I do not think coming empty handed is ok. Even if its $20 a gift should be given.

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But see?? That person did that because they were embarrassed about the gift. If I liked that neighbor enough to invite him, I would CARE and I wouldn't want him to feel that way that he had to hide from me for the rest of the night.
SOme people are just... not with the same social graces, you know? SO he probably forgot or didn't realize and then got embarrassed. I hate that.

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Posted by JLWSJC

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Posted by Ang9483

I think it depends. If you know someone can give a gift and they don't then I think thats isn't right. My neighbor had a wedding a few years ago invited his best friend who said oh man I forgot our card in the car at the end of the night and said he was going to get it and then never came back to the wedding and never talked to my neighbor again. I guess he just wanted a free meal and dessert. If a close family member I knew couldn't afford to give a lot then I wouldn't be mad if they gave a small amount since I wanted them there. But I do not think coming empty handed is ok. Even if its $20 a gift should be given.

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But see?? That person did that because they were embarrassed about the gift. If I liked that neighbor enough to invite him, I would CARE and I wouldn't want him to feel that way that he had to hide from me for the rest of the night.
SOme people are just... not with the same social graces, you know? SO he probably forgot or didn't realize and then got embarrassed. I hate that.

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I am not the richest person and sometimes when I have weddings or something I get nervous I am going to give too little but you give what you can and then when you have something that is most likely what you will get back but not giving anything I dont think is right. If they had absolutely no money at all for some reason then I think a card with a note explaining or a cute message with I owe or something. I think lying and then vanishing is silly. I know some of my hubbys family members can't afford to give a lot and I don't expect them too but I think coming completely empty handed is wrong.

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Posted by Ang9483

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Posted by JLWSJC

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Posted by Ang9483

I think it depends. If you know someone can give a gift and they don't then I think thats isn't right. My neighbor had a wedding a few years ago invited his best friend who said oh man I forgot our card in the car at the end of the night and said he was going to get it and then never came back to the wedding and never talked to my neighbor again. I guess he just wanted a free meal and dessert. If a close family member I knew couldn't afford to give a lot then I wouldn't be mad if they gave a small amount since I wanted them there. But I do not think coming empty handed is ok. Even if its $20 a gift should be given.

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But see?? That person did that because they were embarrassed about the gift. If I liked that neighbor enough to invite him, I would CARE and I wouldn't want him to feel that way that he had to hide from me for the rest of the night.
SOme people are just... not with the same social graces, you know? SO he probably forgot or didn't realize and then got embarrassed. I hate that.

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I am not the richest person and sometimes when I have weddings or something I get nervous I am going to give too little but you give what you can and then when you have something that is most likely what you will get back but not giving anything I dont think is right. If they had absolutely no money at all for some reason then I think a card with a note explaining or a cute message with I owe or something. I think lying and then vanishing is silly. I know some of my hubbys family members can't afford to give a lot and I don't expect them too but I think coming completely empty handed is wrong.

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I agree. And I said that in my OP, that I'd be hurt if I didn't get a card, but if the card were empty, I wouldn't be angry.

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Posted by JLWSJC

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Posted by Ang9483

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Posted by JLWSJC

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Posted by Ang9483

I think it depends. If you know someone can give a gift and they don't then I think thats isn't right. My neighbor had a wedding a few years ago invited his best friend who said oh man I forgot our card in the car at the end of the night and said he was going to get it and then never came back to the wedding and never talked to my neighbor again. I guess he just wanted a free meal and dessert. If a close family member I knew couldn't afford to give a lot then I wouldn't be mad if they gave a small amount since I wanted them there. But I do not think coming empty handed is ok. Even if its $20 a gift should be given.

---

But see?? That person did that because they were embarrassed about the gift. If I liked that neighbor enough to invite him, I would CARE and I wouldn't want him to feel that way that he had to hide from me for the rest of the night.
SOme people are just... not with the same social graces, you know? SO he probably forgot or didn't realize and then got embarrassed. I hate that.

---

I am not the richest person and sometimes when I have weddings or something I get nervous I am going to give too little but you give what you can and then when you have something that is most likely what you will get back but not giving anything I dont think is right. If they had absolutely no money at all for some reason then I think a card with a note explaining or a cute message with I owe or something. I think lying and then vanishing is silly. I know some of my hubbys family members can't afford to give a lot and I don't expect them too but I think coming completely empty handed is wrong.

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I agree. And I said that in my OP, that I'd be hurt if I didn't get a card, but if the card were empty, I wouldn't be angry.

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ooops you did say that :)

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Posted by Ang9483



I agree. And I said that in my OP, that I'd be hurt if I didn't get a card, but if the card were empty, I wouldn't be angry.

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ooops you did say that :)

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'10 crashing

ITA with what you are saying. I am having my wedding to celebrate our marriage with my family and friends, not to make money on my wedding. They say the rule of thumb is to cover you plate but in these times when alot of people are out of work it should not expected . I will be happy that my guests just come to celebrate my marriage.

JMO

I agree with every single thing you said. I am totally guilty of forgetting to put the check in the card once, and my friend didn't even care. He said that as long as I was there, that was gift enough. I feel the same way.

ETA i mailed the check later though

I'm laughing that you wrote this..I just had a conversation with a close friend b/c he missed declined another friends wedding last year. He told me b/c he did not have the $$...I told him if he declined mine I would be pis sed

I just want to celebrate and have an amazing night..we already said we are not getting what we can't afford..I will not be in debt b/c of this wedding.

ITA!!!!

a gf of mine told me that she is hoping to have enough money to come to my wedding and is planning on saving little by little now, she refuses to come if she cant 'pay her way'

I couldn't believe this...

I was like I want you there with or without the money! it's not about that!

Where DH is from, they've never even heard of this concept!!!! It's gotta be a NY thing (or maybe a 'rich' places thing or something).

I completely agree that you should not be throwing a party of any sort with the idea that you'll be able to pay for it with the gifts you get.

When DH lived in CT, one of his co-workers threw a fund raising 'jack & jill' shower where they charged everyone $10 a head to come to the party. They had tons of gifts / raffles that were donated by the wedding party and friends, who also brought all the food and beer and stuff. It was an interesting concept, and I think it worked for them. I mentioned it once on this website and everyone was horrified and completely attacked it and said it was ridiculously tacky. The only thing I didn't love about the shower they threw is that we were invited to it... but then were not invited to their wedding. I thought that was a little strange.

A good number of our guests who were not from the NY / LI area did not give us gifts at all but I was thrilled they came to join our celebration. Sometimes I felt bad when people were struggling to get us gifts -- I actually even wrote in a few peoples' invitations that I hope they would come and please not to worry themselves about a present. Yes, I took that extra step because it was so so important to me that people not feel like they had to pay their way.

So I totally agree with you. I know why some people feel the way they do when it comes to what they believe they 'deserve' to get as gifts, but I respectfully disagree in the appropriateness of being upset when a gift does not meet the expectations of the recipient.

nicely put :)

Here here!

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG AMENNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

ITA
Very well said