Ladies, I'm really sorry, but I'm so sick of seeing the phrase 'cover your plate'. I need to get this off my chest.
I wrote something similar late one night in a reply to a 2010 question about thank you's if someone doesn't bring a gift to the wedding, but I'm going to reiterate.
PS, FH disagrees with me wholeheartedly, which is probably why we have differences of opinion re: our budget.
I DO NOT think people should be expected to cover their plate when they are invited to an event. Any event. We are inviting our family and friends to celebrate our marriage, and our love for one another. It's not a business. These people are our guests, not our customers. I'm asking people to come to an event to celebrate something with me, that's all I want is their presence. Gifts are nice, and money is always helpful, but I don't want to count on my family and friends to pay for my wedding. And this is where FH disagrees: Throw the party you can afford. If you can't afford it without kickbacks, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. It's not fair to get upset or angry with people who don't give ENOUGH of a gift. I may be upset that someone didn't think enough about me to get me even a card or a trinket, but if they hand me an empty envelope, I will not be angry, at least they had some sentiment in their heart. In New York we are so things-centric it;s kind of sad. I wouldn't want a family member or friend to miss my wedding, the most important day of my life so far, because they couldn't afford to give me something. And I would hope that they feel the same way about inviting me somewhere. I would never personally show up without a gift, but often my money is tight. I would never want to have someone mad at me because I was incapable of giving an extravagant gift. And if it's someone who I only want there because they can give me a good gift, I don't really want them there.
'Cover your plate'. I Effing hate that phrase.
//rant.
Im getting Married
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Posted by FutureMrsDe
I agree that yhou should expect people to pay for your wedding but if you can afford to go to a wedding and don't come with any kind of gift you shouldn't go .I think its rude.
Personally I would never go to someone's wedding empty handed but I do not think anything should be expected...you are asking these people to help you celebrate your union.
April_Luv
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Man oh man you hit that on the head!! ITA!!
cc2011
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I completely agree with you!!! This reminds me of my sweet sixteen. My mom was complaining how 8 people gave me an $80 gift certificate to the Gap!!
Weddings are expensive. When most couples get engaged majority of the discussion is centered around what they want for their wedding, not what is X, Y and Z going to cost. As couples begin to start booking vendors it becomes more apparent that things aren't cheap! The only place where they can potentially 'get back' what they spent is in gifts they receive for their wedding. I don't care what my guests give me. I rather have all my friends and family come to share in one of the most important days of my life!!
Here's a question for you ladies? How would you feel if you DID NOT receive a gift from ANY guest? I think I'll start another posting with this question.
Moonmist09
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i don't think its ever ok to come to a wedding empty handed. no matter where the wedding is. in the midwest you give gifts - so give a gift. in major cities, you give cash, so give cash.
for my sister's wedding, one guest was invited with his entire family. there were 6 people in his group. want to pay to know what he gave as a gift? a $50 gift card to i forget which restaurant. THAT IS NEVER OK!!!! my sister had to pay over $125 pp and she got a $50 gc? ***!!!
i was always taught and have always gone to the wedding with the notion 'cover your plate' if you really don't have the money, then leave what you can, don't go broke, but don't be retarded and leave close to zilch either.
JLWSJC
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Posted by Moonmist09
if you really don't have the money, then leave what you can, don't go broke, but don't be retarded and leave close to zilch either.
Fine. But this ^ isn't 'cover your plate' philosophy either. That's what I have a problem with. I agree you should make every effor to congratulate the bride and groom and show your appreciation for them and being invited to their day. But I don't agree with feeling obligated to cover your plate. I didn't ask you spend whatever you decided to spend on each person's dinner, I had no say int he pkans you made, so I should be able to give what I can, not pay for my meal.
madamsireeda213
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I hear what you're saying but I agree with Moonmist09. Thats why people set up a registry as an option, just in case someone does not feel comfortable giving a monetary gift. My mom taught me when you go to a party, you bring something, something you can afford but also something the couple can appreciate. And its true, nowadays, most couple ask for monetary gifts mainly because we are young couples, starting a new life together and that money can be used to go toward a new house, a new apartment, pay off some bills. I mean, this is how many older family members have explained to me why they give money gifts at weddings and it makes sense to me. I usually give monetary gifts to my friends because honestly, I think they need the money! There has only been two weddings where I did not give a monetary gift and they were both destination weddings.
And anyway, I dont think anyone who throws a wedding is throwing a wedding to gain money because in all honesty, thats impossible! Even if everyone who came to the wedding 'paid for their plate' you still will come up with about 10%-15% of what you spent on the wedding.
This is also a common argument with me and my FH too. However he has family members who would show up with NOTHING not because they cant afford it but because they just dont want to buy us anything..to which I said, thats rude and they're not coming, sorry. Mind you, these are the type of people (these relatives) who sit through an entire Christmas party, receive tons of gifts and always 'forgets to bring their gifts'...
JLWSJC
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TO be clear,,,, I agree it's rude to show up without ANYTHING.
My problem is specifically with the 'cover your plate' way of thinking. I'm of the 'Do what you can as long as you're not taking advantage' school
madamsireeda213
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Posted by JLWSJC
TO be clear,,,, I agree it's rude to show up without ANYTHING.
My problem is specifically with the 'cover your plate' way of thinking. I'm of the 'Do what you can as long as you're not taking advantage' school
Oh yeah I totally agree with that! In fact, thats what I'm going to write on my STDs ...Just Kidding! Trying to make everyone smile!
anszusterman
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as a non-new yorker, a cash gift to a wedding was NEVER something you gave. You always give a real gift. FILs expect people to 'cover their plates' and will probably complain that my side didnt- but its not something we do! We are a southern family and their presence is a gift enough- most of them are flying over a 1000 miles to come!
The More The Merrier, right?
LaBellaVita622
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OMG I couldn't agree with you more..alot of our friends have family memebers helping them pay for their weddings, which is great and we are so happy for them. But there's no way we cover our plate at some of them. They pay so much it's not even an option! We give what we can give which is generous enough I feel.
harts2976
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ITA!!! One of my x boyfriends always said at his wedding he wanted to right now gifts allowed!!
I have a lot of cousins and a lot of times we are traveling to different states spending 1000-1500 just to go to the wedding. Sometimes some of them give a card that says I'll get ya later or something!
It's the people there that matter. 5 years from now your not going to give a crap about the money or gift you got!!
Amen Sista!
meya1084
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I totally agree!
meya1084
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Posted by JLWSJC
TO be clear,,,, I agree it's rude to show up without ANYTHING.
My problem is specifically with the 'cover your plate' way of thinking. I'm of the 'Do what you can as long as you're not taking advantage' school
I think its definitely rude for someone to show up empty handy. But I think its tacky to complain about not getting something. The person looked bad on their own by saying something you do too
JMO
JessNicole7EM
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I agree Jamie.
I'm going to a wedding in October..
$300pp.
I'm supposed to give $600 for FH & I? no way! I can't afford that, plus travel expenses and outfits. You're looking at $1000!
I'm going to give what I can, but there's no way I can cover my plate - I didn't ask them to spend $300 on me, and another $300 on Fh.
insanity.
GlitterBox24
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I think this depends on the situation. If the guest are OOT and are flying in, dont know this NYC money concept i woulkd never expect it or complain. Also if the wedding is 300PP.
But myself i would feel embarrassed to showup to someones wedding with my FH and give 100$. The least i have given was 200$ for a friday night in Feb at Jericho Terrece.
My sister had a similar situation with our Uncle wife and 3 sons, and a $50 card. Ofcourse she really wanted our uncle and wife there, but she did not include the sons, cuz we knew he couldnt really give much more and becuase we dont really talk to them, they are 15, 16, 17 just not in our age range. But he called her sooooo many times to take them. So in that case i would be upset also, becuase they were old enough to be left alone.
I am paying double what my sister had and 250 guest, i really dont think i should be inviting those 3 cousins who i never talk to and now are 19, 20, 21 and dont even work or want to go to school to get a 50$ gift.
adelya21
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im late on this lol but I agree with this specific comment. However, I also grew up being taught to give a certain amount at weddings. But, of course if someone decides to have a lavish wedding for like $200-250 a person-- u obv cant expect people to 'cover their plates'
But, I just hate when guests take advatage. Like when they ask if they can bring a plus 1 and then offer nothing for their guests behalf. that pisses me offffffffffffffffffff!
Posted by JLWSJC
TO be clear,,,, I agree it's rude to show up without ANYTHING.
My problem is specifically with the 'cover your plate' way of thinking. I'm of the 'Do what you can as long as you're not taking advantage' school
