Personal Problem about fathers (long)

I am a pretty regular poster on the website but I have a sensitive issue that I wanted to address. It is something that hurts me a lot and that is why I want to remain anonymous.

The situation is that I do not have a good relationship with my dad at all. It is actually very bad. He doesnt respect me and vice versa for several underlying reasons which would be too logn to get into. Making it all short he is just a person that should never have gotten married and had kids. My parents are still married (do not ask me why since they do not get along), so they will obviously both be at my wedding. I have no control over him being there or not.

My problem becomes an issue with respect to being walked down the isle and father/daughter and mother/son dances. I do not want my father to walk me down the aisle. I would feel too fake and it is an honor which he truly does NOT deserve. I guess i will end up asking one of my brothers to walk me down the aisle and just deal with the uncomfortable situation since everyone is going to be wondering and eventually talking about that.

With respect to the parent/child dances...has anyone not done them or planning not to? I talked to FH about this and told him I dont want to have parent/child dances. His response was that it would mean a lot to him to dance with his mom...which I do understand, but at the same time, he knows the situation very well and it seems like he isnt even thinking of the way I will feel. I told him we could do somethign really special for his mom not related to the wedding...and his response was that it wouldnt be the same.

I just read that some girls dance with their moms but I wouldnt feel comfortable with that. I know that I am asking for a lot but I feel no sympathy from him.

Has anyone been in this situation or knows of someone who has?

I personally feel that since it is your wedding - it is your decision to choose which traditions you want to have and which you want to change. Since it seems that you are a pretty independent person - I don't see any problem with you walking down the aisle by yourself. If you can support yourself in life, why not start your new life as independently as well!
As far as the child/parent dances. I understand your point of view and why you would want to not do it at all. But that might not be so fair to your in-laws. Why not switch it up and you can dance with your FMIL and have your fiance dance with your mother...that way it can be a maternal thing on both sides, and can include members of each of your families, so that no on is left out.
These are just my thoughts. I've never been in this situation...I truly feel for you. This should be your special day and you should be allowed to enjoy it however you want to...its a shame that something like this would put a damper on it. I wish you all the best.

I am sorry you are going through this. Weddings are supposed to be happy, and they seem to dredge up so much unhappy stuff. You can not have the parent/child dances, but it seem unfair to fh. What would happen if fh danced with his mom, and they just didn't announce your dance with your dad so you wouldn't have one? Would he freak out?

If so, maybe you can pick one song that you could dance with dad to at the same time fh dances with mom. I know it would be uncomfortable, but it might be worth it for fh and at least it would not be such a spotlight on you and your dad thing.

I am basically the same situation as you. Except that my parents are divorced.

I am meeting with my father on Thursday in a public restaurant, he has a bad temper, to discuss some things. If I do not like the out come then there will be NO father daughter dance because I don't want him touching me!! He is walking me hlaf way down the aisle. My step-father is doing the first half. We already have had A TON of drama over that so I am not starting that back up. But the no father daughter dance he will not know about. Mean, nope just 19 days before my wedding just don't need the aggrevation.

You have to do what is best for you . Know that you are not alone. There are several girls on this site that have father issues. Feel free to FM me in private if you want to talk.

Do what you feel is right for you. Who cares what people think? If they know you then they'll know you and your dad don't get along and will know why you are doing what you are doing. Anyone that has the nerve to ask are rude. And it's YOUR DAY - you do what you want and don't have any regrets : )

I like the idea of brother walking you down the aisle and maybe you and your mom can do a dance instead of you and your dad. Or do whatever you're more comfortable with.

I'm sorry that this is your situation...

here are some suggestions...
for the aisle, have both your parents walk you down

for the parent dances,
1. dance together with your dad and FH and FMIL at the same time...that will take some of the attention away

OR

2. have a dance and have your brother (or better if you have more than one) to cut in...even your mom can cut in

I have a very similar relationship with my father and the same thing, my parents are still married and they gave me a good chunk of money for the wedding.

As far as walking down the aisle - I had both parents with me. My mom is very traditional and didn't want to but I made her just so I would feel comfortable.

With the dancing - I was going to cut the entire thing out and not have it, but DH really wanted to dance with his mother, so I was in a bind. It would look really weird if we had one and not the other, so I ended up doing it. I spoke to the DJ and we picked a very non-mushy song and only played it for a minute and then cut it. This was more to make my mom happy and I suffered through a minute of it as hypocritical as it was at least it avoided a ton of conflict.

I've seen people dance with both parents, but if you can cut them out that might be an alternative, or maybe have the mother/son dance and father/daughter at the same time. In the end you have to do what will make you comfortable and not worry what everyone will say. It'll be forgotten by the next day anyone.

hugs to you ..

i will be ommitting the father daugher dance, and fiance will be ommiting the mother son dance(hope his mom isnt too upset when she finds out, we havent told people that)..although i letting him walk me down the isle, which id rather him not, but i think he's looking forward to it after not going to my sisters wedding(a story of its own)....

Maybe your Fiance and mom could pick out a song and dance to it... have the photographer take pictures.. but not have the dj annouce it to draw attention to it...
But if you have a brother walk you down the isle, I would say him be the one to dance with you...

i can relate...but my parents are divorced too.

It was no natural for my to want my mom to ALSO walk me down. i too wonder what my dad was thinking when he got married or decided to have kids. I will do the dance, but will chose a song, that is nice,,,,but truthful to our realationship,,,,nothing super mushy.

I am still undecided about have a dance with me and mom

it's hard, I know, but do what feels right, maybe it'll show him, that he really messed up.

I have the same issue (and was thinking a little while ago that I should post about it)

The only thing I can think of having my father do without it being so much of a farce would be for him to light my unity candle... since he did 'create' me.. he did NOTHING else to deserve a father daughter dance or walk down the aisle.

I just need to figure out how to ask him if he would light the candle, but NOT do the dance or walk down the aisle.

My mother died a couple of years ago, so there is no way I can split it between both parents.

Lots of hugs to all of you having ahard time with yoru dad..that ****s! I say dont do the father/ daughter dance...you said he doesnt respect you as it is...you dont have to dance with him if you dont want to..its YOUR WEDDING!! Im sorry you have such a tough decision..just dont do anything you dont want to do...your wedding day isnt the day you need to be worrying about pleasing other people..you make you and your fiance happy..thats first and foremost the most important!!!

I feel for you....I am in the same situation however, my parents are no longer married.

I will be having only my Mom walk me down the aisle and won't be doing either a mother/son or a father/daughter dance....
But, My fiance was also ok with this as was his mom.

If it means alot to him, is there some other way you could honor his Mom AT the wedding?

So sorry to hear about your situation.
What about your mom walking you down the aisle.
Best of luck!

I have a similar situation, so i know where you are coming from. I do not like my father. My parents have been divorced for 10 years, and he has had no hand in bringing up my brother or myself. Whenever I see him, it's always the same BS.

So, I am not having him walk me down the aisle, nor are we having the father/daughter, mother/son dances. My FMIL said she would dance with my FH, just not annouce it.

I say, do what you want. I think your FH should be more sympathetic, but that is JMO.