Pity party for me...

and Im sorry because all I feel I do is ***** and complain and this is SUPPOSED to be the happiest time in my life. I am so unhappy and it is seriously raining on my wedding parade to the point where I have been getting physically sick. I dont ever sleep and I have been breaking out like crazy.

Anyway, it is pretty definate that my job is going to be eliminated due to cutting a program out of the english department. There is a chance I could move down to the middle school for a year but I would have to re interview and take a leave replacement. There is issues with that because Id have to find out if I would get the same pay on year 2 instead of 1 annnnddddd if it would count toward my tenure. Also, after that leave is up (the girl isnt coming back but it taking her full 3 years of family leave in case of emergency) I wouldhave to reapply and interview for the probationary position. It is a lot of political ******** and they would have the ability to really screw me over if they wanted to.

I cant tell you guys how badly I want to stay where I am. Leaving this job is going to be emotionally draining as it will be my THiRD school that Im leaving in 3 years and I would have to deal with leaving and packing up my beautiful classroom TWO weeks before the wedding. I have made great friends here and really feel as if I could make a difference.

I am completely disheartened and feel as if I am not accomplishing anything as a teacher. I work my *** off for one year, design lessons, curriculum, spend hours reading and researching to make things better and then I leave and have to start all over. I am emotionally drained and feel like such a loser. I am GOOD at my job, Im a GOOD person... I love this school and I really thought I would finally get to have a 'home' there.

I am also taking two classes in grad school this semester and now I have to add resumes, interviews and applications to the pile of **** I have to get done......and dont even get me started on the 35 item list we have to complete for the wedding.

We went to see a morgage broker last week and I was exicted to hear what we actually could afford (even though I was in panic mode) and now Im worried I wont have a job to pay for anything. I cant believe I might have to start off my MARRIED life living at home with my parents... we have been living apart for SEVEN years and I just think it would be awful to start off that way.

My gram is waiting till wednesday to find out about her leg. She has been having major problems with an open wound shes had on her foot for years and they found out her bone is infected. They will either need to do vascular surgery or cut off her toe or worse... You guys know how close I am to my gram and it is killing me.

UGHHHHHHHHH.... I feel like i have been such a miserable and cynical person the last year and a half and it is making me so upset because I dont want to be one of THOSE people that everyone hates to be around because they are just utterly miserable and are always upset and stressed out.

Anyway.. I just wanted to apologize for not being around so much. I have been reading everyones posts, but I just dont respond much.

I also apologize for how poorly written this post is.....Im just at a loss right now and needed to vent.