please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

Original post by cantsay

Feb 11, 2009 09:45 AM

So ill try to make it short. I found out FH met this girl at a bar thru somefriends he hangs there with during football season. this girls got his tel thru a mutual friend there. my fh and her have been texting. we have family plan so i can see the numbers. i saw that the 2 days they were texting he initiated the texting. i confront him, he says hes sorry it was dumb,he wouldnt do anything to jeporadize us, he knows i can see the records so he just took it as a friendship.he shouldnt of done it, or should of told me but it was nothing he swears he loves me and only me. we are getting married in 8months, everything is booked.
he said he told this girl he was getting married but they were just talking like friends nothing more. so i have this girls tel.. would u call her and ask? or no? would u still go on with the wedding and forgive fh and rebuild trust or would u just leave and move on with your life?

MrsList09 Posted: Feb 11, 2009 12:19 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I'm completely unforgiving almost to the point of being irrational when it comes to crap like this (like I would probably call off the wedding) but I'm crazy so I'm not really one to give advice so take this with a grain of salt. I dont want to freak you out but it's better to know about these kinds of things now, before kids and your lives are completely intertwined.

But I would ask to see the texts and make a decision based on that. If he's flirting or inappropriate, or if he deleted them, it's time for some counseling or a rethinking of the marriage plans. You said he was with someone when you got together - did it start off innocent or not so innocent?

gina409 Posted: Feb 11, 2009 12:33 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

Posted by dutchessev

I wouldn't call her.

If you trust him just leave it alone. He said he was sorry.

I would check there is no more texting though.

i agree..but i think if u want to look at the texts u should..dont let it eat at u wondering what the texts say

krislee316 Posted: Feb 11, 2009 01:33 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I would suprise him and show up at the bar the next time he goes and see what is really going on. I think that was very disrespectful that your FH would do that and I would get to the bottom of it. He does not need to be making new girl friends that is just rediciuolus. sorry if I am coming off strong but I hate when guys do things like this and try to get away with it. JMHO

FutureMrsC614 Posted: Feb 11, 2009 02:15 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

i would tell him that there is to be NO MORE communication with this girl that you don't know. And then I would keep checking the phone to see if he communicates with her after you told him not too. If he does after that, I would consider calling her, and confronting him.
I went through this with someone that I was with for 8 years. For the entire relationship, i never looked at his phone, until one day he left it behind, and something made me look. There were text messages on there between him and another girl. I confronted him, and told him not to talk to her again, and he agreed. Months later I looked at the phone and they were still talking. God only knows what was going on, but I broke it off with him, and found out later on that he was cheating on and off for the 8 years we were together.
A man that loves and respects you, who wants to marry you will know better than to continue this behavior. So give him the chance to redeem himself, but if it continues, you have some thinking to do.
Good luck!

MnM182008 Posted: Feb 11, 2009 02:21 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

Well, first off sorry you have to go through this. Your FH is wrong. He shouldn't have been texting her or calling her, however its done so its really up to you. Do you believe his apology, do you think he is sincerely sorry, do you think he would have told you if he didn't get caught? Do you trust him, do you regularly check the phone bill to see if there are strange numbers, because if you do and you don't trust him maybe you need to sit down and think about what you want to do. Marriage is all about trust, so both of you need to have a conversation about how you feel about this current situation and see if you trust one another enough to go on further together.

AdriandSteve Posted: Feb 11, 2009 02:27 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

Posted by Sandradv121

OMG! I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Ok the thing is do you trust him enough to think that this will never happen again? If you do, than you need to tell him to lose that number and move on in life without communicating with her.

If the there is a major trust issue and if it were me, and if I felt that she was threat to my relationship and marriage, I would confront her . Girls are very tricky to deal with. If she is cool and whatever, than a simple phone call to her would be just that; a simple phone call. Introduce yourself, state the reason why you're calling her, and stay strong and nice. Just say that you were a little curious about who she was and stuff and if she is a nice person, than she will be comforting and understanding. But if she puts the claws out, than you need to lay the law down. And make her go away.

I would also tell FH that he needs to stop the crap. There is no reason to make new 'girl-friends' are bars. And for the fact that she went through the trouble to get his number, she sounds like trouble. What can be innocent, can actually turn out to be a bad thing.

FH was very wrong to do something like this. You need to make sure he understands this and that you won't tolerate this at all in the future. A marriage is built on love and trust. You have to tell him that. And that girl needs to back off NOW.

Please let me know the outcome. I know this is an awful feeling and a terrible thing to have to experience. Before jumping the gun, let him fix the drama first. If he loves you, than he will make sure that the problem is fixed before you have to intervine.

ITA, but i also see the reason not to confront her. Even if it was something innocent the girl could flip and totally lie about the whole situation, then what?

If it were me though i think i would call. OR i would talk to the mutual friend and find out what happened.

Don't necessarily listen to me though, lol i'm not the most reasonable person with things like this.

Mrs. Bernabe Posted: Feb 11, 2009 03:55 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I would ask for a print our to view what they wrote to one another and then determine based on that. If the text claim potential cheating or future cheating than he is not the right guy, BUT if it shows just a friendship and nothing more than obviously there is nothing to break up your marriage about, BUT do talk to him and tell him how you feel and work from there.

ETA: Some ppl flirt, like with a guy/girl on the train to bust their ego, but another thing is to exchange #'s and continue the flirting. I wouldn't just let this slide without looking into it and seeing what is the case, it's better to find out if there is something wrong than when your married. I don't think calling her is the right thing as she may deny it. Call your company and ask to see the messages, I could swear I heard parents do this. I am sorry you are going through this

BeLissa Posted: Feb 11, 2009 04:19 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no excuse good enough for me as to why anyone's FH would be making new friends of the opposite sex and texting them secretively at all hours. IMO, thats just shady. and if it were me, i would do some detective work to find out more and yeah, if i wasnt happy with the info i found - not what he TOLD me - i'd call. i've done it before with an ex and i'm glad i did cuz it turned out he was lying through his teeth to me AND the other girl. and you know what, she was very polite, we had a lengthy calm conversation, both trying to get to the bottom of the bs he was feeding us. you dont have to go off on this chick, just ask her what the deal is, woman to woman.

I know everyone likes to trust their FH's but they arent all angels and something like that would not fly with me with a simple 'oh it was really nothing, i'm sorry'

Mrs Z To Be Posted: Feb 11, 2009 04:26 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

Posted by MrsList09

I'm completely unforgiving almost to the point of being irrational when it comes to crap like this (like I would probably call off the wedding) but I'm crazy so I'm not really one to give advice so take this with a grain of salt. I dont want to freak you out but it's better to know about these kinds of things now, before kids and your lives are completely intertwined.

But I would ask to see the texts and make a decision based on that. If he's flirting or inappropriate, or if he deleted them, it's time for some counseling or a rethinking of the marriage plans. You said he was with someone when you got together - did it start off innocent or not so innocent?

Could not have said it better myself!! Even the irrational part!
What would REALLY grate on me would be the fact that HE initated contact. Just make sure that it really was innocent...then, forget it and move on.

triciab1023 Posted: Feb 11, 2009 04:50 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I would definitely call her! Not for any reason other than to find out if he is telling you the truth. I think you should go into it trusting that he is telling the truth, but just explain to her that you needed to know for sure. If she is a halfway decent person she'll completely understand. If you don't find out then you'll always wonder in the future. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to get my mind off it and I would forever wonder what really happened. God forbid he never told her that he wasn't single! You need to know that before taking one of the biggest steps of your life. Good luck. I'm so sorry that you have to be going through this.

sophisticat13 Posted: Feb 11, 2009 06:53 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I'm sorry you are going through this!

What does your gut say? Do you 100% believe FH? How much do you love him??

It is better to find out now if he is dishonest...than to get married and find out that he is dishonest. As far as calling her, I wouldn't at all...if something is going on, she will probably lie to you, and if it isn't, then you look like the jealous and insecure fiance. It's a no-win either way...and this is really about you and FH...

I wish you the best of luck...

Julesg1230 Posted: Feb 11, 2009 08:20 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

Everyone has different ways they would handle this, but if you do call her you may not get what you are looking for- the truth.

Also, everyone has different levels of what they are comfortable with in a relationship. If you need to 'check' his phone bill to see if you can trust him, maybe that's a sign that it's something that needs to be worked out.

This may be nothing, or it may be a sign that some things need to be worked on if the two of you want to be together. If you find that you aren't comfortable just letting it go, maybe some short term counseling would help.

RockysGirl Posted: Feb 11, 2009 08:52 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

i agree with all of the girls who say that it depends on your relationship and how much you actually trust him. If you truly believe that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you, and if he deleted her from his phone - then it's over. BUT if she's still on his contact list, then something's fishy. There's no need to have new girl 'friends'.

A while back, when me & DH were engaged, his grandmother died and an old girlfriend from high school heard about it thru the grapevine and texted him. I'll be honest - that DID make me uncomfortable. But I understood that she just wanted to offer her sympathy or whatever and I easily let it slide. HOWEVER, a few weeks later she texted him again just to 'catch up'. There's no reason to catch up with an ex-boyfriend unless you've got other plans. I'm a girl, I know how we operate And then she sent him a friend request on stupid MySpace. That was it for me. I trust DH fully and never for one second thought that he was even THINKING of cheating on me. But I still did not believe that this girl had innocent intentions and I was NOT okay with her being in his life. They broke up like 10 years ago, I want her OUT completely. It's not as though I talk to any of MY ex-boyfriends! I leave all that in the past where it belongs because I don't have a need for it, and I respect DH enough to keep him the ONLY man in my life (besides my dad, of course. lol). So I told DH how I felt and he realized how insensitive it was for him to even have her in his phone. He immediately deleted her from his contact list AND MySpace. And I appreciated that so much cause it proved how much respect he has for me & my feelings, and our relationship in general.

So I understand completely how uncomfortable this texting situation could make you feel. Even if you're secure in your relationship, it can still hurt. I would hope that he has enough respect for you to delete her from his phone and move on completely. If not, (if she's still on his contact list & the texting or 'meeting at bars' continues) then I think you'd need to put a stop to it yourself. That's just not right.

JillandJoe Posted: Feb 12, 2009 09:52 AM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I am a jealous person...lol...I would call and be nice and make sure she has no intentions. I would then tear FH a new a$$hole. Any girl friends he had before we met he can still talk to, but its not appropriate to make new girl friends when ur engaged to be married. Mutual friends are fine, but texting with another girl he just recently met. hel! no

FH and I have had that agreement since we became serious, he agrees completely.

I wouldn't ruin your relationship over it since you obviously trust him, but im a jealous person so I would have to nip it asap.

dfw343 Posted: Feb 12, 2009 12:12 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

As an older woman whose been in a similar situation...

First off, it's not the girl's fault. Your concern should be how your FH handles it. Women hit on my man constantly. It's how he responds I care about.

Secondly, I am sorry but there is not reason to text someone a lot of opposite sex. One text OK.
And if you think he needs to do this for his ego, what's the next ego booster he will pull?

Please make sure before you take the next step.
I did and am glad.

I am now marrying the love of my life whom I trust...

Madison-Todd2009 Posted: Feb 12, 2009 06:56 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

Why did FH's friend give the girl his number?? That's a shady friend. I'd keep an eye on that guy!
Does this guy have a girlfriend that could give you the lowdown.
I wouldn't advise you contacting the girl from the bar unless the texting doesn't stop or you suspect something more.

Just keep your eyes and ears open and of course we all are hoping that this will be the end of the situation.

keep us posted.

MrsBtobe2009 Posted: Feb 12, 2009 07:16 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I had a situation like this. I would not call her unless the texting does not stop. I am also a very jealous person......it is really not good!!! I would talk to FH and tell him how hurt you are and if the situation does not stop, then I would call her and politely let her know that you would rather her not contact your FH anymore. Good Luck

dedecakes Posted: Feb 12, 2009 07:26 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

That's terrible! There is no excuse for this behavior. What is he doing talking to girls at a bar??!?! My FH goes to the bar occasionally to meet up with one of his good friends. He always calls me at the bar, though. I feel completely comfortable with him going. I know he is not going to talk to chicks. Like I said, there is no excuse for this...if FH did this to me, I would investigate further. As much as I would be DYING to call this girl, I would probably check his text messages.

Jacquelyn Posted: Feb 12, 2009 08:38 PM

Re: please girls i need opinions and help!!!!!

I think you need to get into contact with this girl! You obvioulsy have doubts of the situation. Remember 'You get more BEE's with HONEY then you do with VINEGUR' so be nice and explain the situation to her. This happened to me and I confonted the girl after FH told me that nothing happened and that they were just friends and of course he was not being honest and to make a long story short I never got married. Girls are very VINDICTIVE & MALICIOUS and we always want what we can't have but we also like gossip and juicy stuff and details so I think she'll talk to you b/c the b*tch that interrupted my marriage gave me everything plus alittle more I think LOL just to make herself feel better for being a home wrecking wh*re.... But you need to filter through EVERYTHING. Girls interwishion (I'am a horriable speller) is always right we can just feel it in our guts & hearts. So if you are feeling anything this is no way to start the rest of your life's together... You deserve the truth and if your FH truly did nothing and is truly didn't do anything then he wouldn't mind or get mad if you did contact her for your own peice of mind!!!!!!! If he even finds out ;)