Please Help- Family crisis

denised07 Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:03 PM

Please Help- Family crisis

I have an 18 year old cousin, who is autistic. She jumps up, self- stims, and needs one to one assistance. I am 31 and my bridal party is around that age. I am not having her in the bridal party because I can not be worried about what she is doing, At my brothers wedding she screamed at cocktail hour and sat in the middle of the dance floor. She does not understand about weddings, and bridal parties. My aunt is soo mad that I am not having her in the bridal party. She was nasty to me and my mom. She said that I should make accomandations for her. She suggested that I have her brother who is 20 to walk her down the aisle, however my fiance has tons of first cousins that would cause problems. Also I would still be worried because he is not responsible. Anyway my aunt is not talking to me and my mom she was sooooo nasty I could not reason with her. She hung up the phone I have not spoken to her since this happened 4 days ago. Am I wrong? I thought about calling her but then I thought she is not going to come around because she is a nasty person to begin with. HELP Im sooo upset.

JenniferLee111204 Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:07 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

first of all, i am sorry that you are going through this. dont forget, this is your wedding. and you arent going to make everyone happy. do what makes you happy. i agree with you totally! (i forgot to say that)

good luck!!

jennifer

TracyInQueens Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:17 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

You aren't wrong-you have every right to choose who YOU want to be in your BP, regardless of whether or not they are related.

Could your cousin handle something like helping to hand out programs?

JPC1125 Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:23 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

I think that your aunt is feeling like you are only excluding her daughter cause of her disability. When in all actuality, being a member of the bridal party isnt an entitlement made exclusively for family members.

I empathasize because i wouldnt want to worry about a commotion in the middle of my vows- Im assuming however that she is still a guest...would you aunt be with her during the ceremony? Is that why its ok in that instance but not for the BP? People are so crazed with weddings- I feel like my family has gone insane with planning MY wedding.

Its hard but you have to give it time to cool down and then try to explain.

Has your mom tried to talk to her? Why is your aunt angry at your mom too?

denised07 Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:33 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

Thanks for all of your advice. My aunt is mad at my mom, because after I spoke to my aunt almost a week later my aunt called my mom and told my mom that I was wrong for not having her and she went off on me to my mom and of course my mom stuck up for me. I mentioned having her do someone like handing out programs but my aunt was such a ***** that she said she wanted nothing to do with my wedding. Ever since I got engaged my aunt has not asked me one thing about my wedding.

butterfly20 Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:44 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

I totally agree with you.....for one thing, picking bridal party is your choice alone, you pick the people closest to you, the people who you want, and you do not need to justify your choices...

randella Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:51 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

I agree with everyone that this is your choice.. And, if your cousin would not be in your wedding party anyway- what's the big deal here? I think it is so wrong of your aunt to assume that her daughter would be in your wedding party, especially given the situation.

I think she may feel badly that she is not necessarily going to have to same experience with her daughter, hence the bitterness. But, all in all- this is your day, and if there is cause for a disruption during your ceremony, why would you want to chance it?

You must stick to your guns on this- and your aunt is being unreasonable and it is her who is being selfish, not you.

How does your mom feel? She agrees with you?

May05Bride Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:54 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

I am sorry you are going through this.

Personally, I would include her in the wedding... ask her to walk down the isle (not be a BM but just walk down the isle), but than sit down (maybe with the cousin, or grandparents).
I look at the wedding as just one night, that comes and goes. To me, its not worth getting family memebers upset, that could potentially be for life.

JPC1125 Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:56 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

Dont let your aunt and your cousin steal your thunder...sometimes when i read these thread about insane family member it makes me wonder if these people are just needy for attention and cant stand us brides having all the attention for ourselves.

Might sound harsh but I would totally ignore her back...shes being mean for no reason so I would just let her have it her way until she comes back to you

DebMaher Posted: Sep 19, 2004 10:58 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

denised07 Posted: Sep 19, 2004 11:01 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

Thanks again everyone Im starting to feel better. My mom told me from the beginning not to have her. She agrees with me. My mom is angry at my aunt for being so nasty about it and for treating me like this. My aunt is not the type of person that will call me. What do I do if she never calls me or my mom?

May05Bride Posted: Sep 19, 2004 11:16 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

Maybe call her, talk to her... Perhaps if she sees your sencerity she will stop acting childish.

oakslady Posted: Sep 20, 2004 01:59 AM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

you arent wrong - your aunt needs to realize there are certain things that her child cannot be accommodated for
if she cant control herself she doesnt need to be there - you cant make everyone happy so dont try to --
your aunt will get over it

oakslady Posted: Sep 20, 2004 02:00 AM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

Posted by denised07

Thanks again everyone Im starting to feel better. My mom told me from the beginning not to have her. She agrees with me. My mom is angry at my aunt for being so nasty about it and for treating me like this. My aunt is not the type of person that will call me. What do I do if she never calls me or my mom?

if she doesnt call it is her loss - i have plenty of family i dont talk to it is no big loss if they feel the need to be petty

nferrandi Posted: Sep 20, 2004 10:36 AM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

Well in fairness, there's still a year until your wedding, and I will guess that it will have blown over by then. If your aunt chooses to hold a grudge than that is her choice and I wouldn't cater to her. I understand that as a mother she is trying to help her daighter have as much as a normal life as possible, but even so, you shouldn't have to set yourself up for potential diaster on your wedding day. I think your aunt is being very unfair, and if she does call you that's exactly what you should tell her. Let her know that you and FH aren't putting cousins in the party and you do not plan on making exceptions and that for her to even suggest it is completely unfair and unreasonable. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

DMcK Posted: Sep 20, 2004 10:37 AM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I agree with you. It is your wedding and you have to be happy.

Marisa&Brian Posted: Sep 20, 2004 11:55 AM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

Your Aunt has absolutely no right to dictate who you do and do not have in your BP. ESPECIALLY if you're not close to this cousin - what does your mom/dad think ?

groovypeg Posted: Sep 20, 2004 07:14 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

i would agree that it is your choice for your bp.

but, if you do have her in the bp and are concerned about her behavior, start now in teaching her what to do. teach her to walk appropriately down the aisle if you can. ask her teachers if they can incorparate this into her daily instruction. i am a teacher for children w/ autism and my friend did this with one of her students. he was her ring bearer and she worked with him weekly on this. and on the day of he did a wonderful job.

bluetank Posted: Sep 20, 2004 07:17 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

I had a similar problem, but with FH's brother who is not going to be in the bridal party. He is unpredictable, loud, obscene and I said I couldnt take that chance at our wedding. You have to do (and you did) what is best for you. You cannot please everyone and I think after your aunt cools down she will understand when you talk to her.

slwh2005 Posted: Sep 20, 2004 07:26 PM

Re: Please Help- Family crisis

I think you are totally doing the right thing. It sounds like you wouldn't have had her in the wedding even if she didn't have the problem. Hopefully your aunt will realize that she's not being fair and everything will work out. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Don't let it ruin your happiness!!