Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

I am so incredibly angry lately with JT's parents. I don't want to feel this angry, but it's to the point where I am refusing to go to their house out of the fear that I might say or so something incredibly irrational and harsh. To give some background about his parents: Growing up, they did not allow JT to have any friends or anything. Everyday until he was 17, he spent at his grandmother's house sitting inside watching television with her. He had no friends, he was not allowed to play outside. Then, after high school, his parents did not want him to go to college. They finally broke down and said he could go, but only to Stony Brook and only for something having to do with English. But he really wanted to go to film school. Finally, he was so miserable, he told them he wanted to leave school to go to a film school in Boston. They told him if he did that, they would never again in his life help him with anything he needed. So....he left for school. Fast-forward to when I met him four years ago. He had to drop out of school with only a year left because he just could not afford it anymore. So a year into our relationship, I said enough is enough and that he HAD to finish his degree. So we moved to Boston and lived hand to mouth for almost two years so that he could finish his degree. Well, in the meantime, he continued his relationship with his parents as if nothing happened at all and like they never said the things they did to him. Well, now we're saving for our wedding and trying to start our lives together. I am so angry because here we are, living with my parents to save money, they are giving us money to put towards our wedding, and just doing everything possible to help us start our lives together.....but his parents have done NOTHING. Not even given us words of encouragement. They are not giving us any money for the wedding. Nothign. They even showed up to our engagement party empty handed. Not a card, not even flowers for my mother who was hosting the party for us at her house. And yet, his mother STILL tries to dictate to us what she thinks we should be doing with our lives. I can't take it. I hate her. I just hate his family. They've done NOTHING for their son his entire life. I don't want these people in my life. I don't want their negative attitudes and depressing way of life around my future children. JT's mother has lung cancer and is slowly getting better. You would think that because she lived through cancer THREE TIMES that she might feel happy to have her life, but no...she just b-tches that it's the doctors that gave her cancer and they are out to get her. I just can't take it, but at the same time, I really do not want to feel this angry inside anymore. I am just enraged inside. JT and I have been fighting about his family so much lately and about the fact that I won't go see them. I don't know why the hell he is so f-ing attached to these people who would rather wish ill on him than help him. I know they're his parents, but they're awful. Absolutely awful, yet he is just so attached to them. I love him so much, and I know he is hanging on to the idea of a family and not the actual family that is there. I feel terrible for him and for what they did to him. He tells me that my parents are his parents and my sister is his sister, and that he does not consider his parents or his sister his real family. I am just so angry that the one person in this world that I love more than anything has been so mistreated and emotionally abused I'm so sorry this was so long, but this is just eating away at me on the inside.

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

wow, they make my fmil look like an angel!!

i don't know what to suggest..for once, i am speechless!

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

I'm sorry you have to deal with people that are miserable in their own lives and therefore have to make everyone around them that way too...take a deep breath. You cant make him have different ideas about his family but you can stand up to the fact that they are negative and you would rather not be around that at this time in life...you are plannig for a future together with JT and its not fair that you have to be around that!!!

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

I am so sorry!!! There are no words! Just

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

Thanks girls. JT totally understands why I do not want to spend time with them, but he hates that his parents spend the entire day questioning him where I am. Like yesterday, it was his only day off, and my last day of summer break, and he 'had' to go visit them. I was pissed because it was our only day that we could have together for the next few weeks, but he went to go see them instead. It just sucks

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

Oh man! I am so sorry you are having such a rough time with his parents. I don't think there is any possibility of reasoning with people like that. They have no happiness of their own, so they destroy it when they see it in other people.

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

i'm so sorry you're so frustrated and upset

just be happy that you have you have your own loving friends and family is all i can say at this point.

i can't believe they didn't even give you a CARD at the e-party!!!! that just sucks the big one

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am having the same problem with his family all of a sudden I can't stand them. We have a different situation but I know how you feel. I don't want to have anything to do with them. I can't stand when they call and I was also forced into going and visiting them this past weekend. My FH is the middle child he has 2 sisters and they are the best thing in the world and he is the crap that grows on the bottom of your boat. He was always pushed aside. They also try to tell him what to do in his life. I cant stand it!!!! Aww I feel better someone else has problems with there future in-laws sorry.

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

oh god, thats awful!! I got anxiety just reading it. I think your frustrations are completely legitimate. I don't mean to sound condescending or anything, but have you or your FH thought of seeing a therapist?

I can somewhat relate to what you are saying - emotional negligance is a form of abuse. I have suffered it.

I literally shook with anger for years, holding it in, making myself sick, having nightmares, not getting on with my life and my dreams. I have been seeing a therapist for only 4 months, and I am feeling so much better-it really is tremendous what a professional can say that you already 'know' in your head, but is just so relieving to hear. You rteally begin to 'work out' the anger.

If therapy is not possible, get a bat, a pillow, and beat the living **** out of it until you feel better. FI and I do this monthly after dealing with our families. It really helps the bottled up anger.

BREATHE!!!

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

Thank you so much for responding, everyone, I appreciate it more than I can express on here.
As for therapy....JT has sought counseling and his therapist told him it would be best if he cut his ties with his parents, but he is not willing to do that....and I can totally respect that and except that. I think it comes and goes in waves with his family. They happen to love me, and while they are not generous or caring or loving in anyway towards JT and I, they do have a higher level of respect for us than they do for JT's sister and her husband, so I guess that's SOMETHING(as sick as it is). And I realize that these are just two unhappy people who have always been that way and we will never change them. I just worry for JT. I just want him to be as happy as possible, and while he is a happy person, it does weigh heavily on him. I am also extremely grateful to my father who is just like JT in so many ways. It really is true that you marry someone like your father. My dad grew up in a house that was JUST like JT's. His parents STILL resent him just for being alive. His parents are miserable as well. And my dad and JT talk about their relationships with their parents a lot. And I think it makes JT feel better to see that my dad turned out so great even though his parents set all the odds against him. I feel lucky that JT has someone to lean on and someone who can relate because I just can't relate to that. But thank you all again. I feel better having gotten that out. I just didn't want to hold it in, but at the same time, I didn't want to unleash it on JT and have him feel badly about it.

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

I am so sorry you have to go through this. JT's parents are sick and twisted and definitely have their own issues. What parents wouldn't want their son to go to college? Also from previous posts it sounds like JT might be depressed. I agree with Bunnymonkey in that he should seek counseling. I am sure he has rage and anger inside towards his parents and their abuse. I completely agree with you in not wanting to go over there EVER! I remember the post about you cooking all that food for a party at their house and when you got there she had already made a huge meal and didn't even put your food out. I am sure there are more issues with these people that go back to their own childhoods. JT should respect your decision to not want to interact with these people. This is a tough situation to be in. I am glad your parents are loving and supportive of both of you.

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

Unfortunately you can't change people, only your reaction to them. Your poor FH, it must be such a difficult place to be in for him. I think you are doing the right thing by not going there too frequently. I know it sucks for your FH but I think it would only be worse for him if they make you miserable. Hang in there

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

Wow, I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this while planning your wedding. It sounds like JT's parents don't hold their son in a high regard. One question, are they much older? I've noticed older parents have a harder time letting go of their children and giving them their lives to run at some point. And I cannot believe they had the audacity to show up at your engagement party with nothing. My future in-laws haven't even sent a card after seeing our apartment FILLED with cards. And they know their relatives have sent us gifts. People are weird sometimes. I hope you and JT will never let them come between you. You sound as if you both have the strength to overcome anything.

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

What an awful situation to be in. I wouldn't want to go over his house either because I would have to bite my tongue everything his family said something. You are blessed to at least have your parents whom you can count on. I can't believe that they had the nerve to go to your engagement party without anything....did his mom at least call your mom to ask if she needed anything? What are you both going to do around the holidays...I would hate having to spend it with his parents.

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

That's horiable! I feel so bad you're in this situation! that totally stinks.

Re: Please help me ease the anger I am feeling...(EXTREMELY LONG)

I feel really bad for you both. It is really hard to cut all ties with parents. I would cut them out of the whole wedding planning all together. They have nothing to contribute-not even monetary I mean support. When you guys get married it will be your life and you can show him so much that he was missing. That really sucks that they did that to him as a child. Why? I dont get it. Did they do it with his sister also? How is she? I would just try to avoid them as much as possible because no matter what you say or do they are stuck in their ways and will not change. It is better than constantly trying and get nowhere. Good luck with all of this and I am sorry. Try not to take it out on FH because he is probably embarrased a little of how his family behaves.