Please help me understand this....

A couple of days ago I posted that my Fi's Jewish Grandmother was upset with us for having a wedding on a Friday night and would not come. Everyone said I should just move on w/ plans as they are and hopefully, she would come around. Well, last night we were at FIL's house for dinner and his grandmother starts going off on us and telling us that we are hurting Jewish people all over the world by doing this. She said all of these things and even worse. She said I was trying to make Fi do this and turn his back on his religion (he is half Jewish, Christian mother, Jewish father). She said that since I was marrying him and taking a Jewish last name that it was my duty to stand up for Jewish tradition. To make things worse Fi's uncle and uncle's wife ganged up on us and agreed with the awful things she was saying. It was truly one of the most horrible experiences I have ever had. I was sobbing at the dinner table. I was just trying to save $$ by having a Friday night wedding and now she has made me feel like I am a terrible person.

I really need someone who is Jewish or marrying into a Jewish family to help me understand this. I come from the mid-west and have never experienced this. I feel that we have no choice but to change to a Saturday night. FILs have offered to pay the for the difference. But I am so deeply hurt and I feel completely manipulated. Has anyone else delt with this?

Re: Please help me understand this....

I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you.

What does your FH say about this? If it was me, I would not change a thing unless my Fh and I wanted to. But that's just me and I know that certain situations are not that easy to get out off.

Good Luck to you!!!

Re: Please help me understand this....

I am Jewish, not very religious, but I thought I would try to help. Friday night is the Sabbath, that is our day of rest, when everyone gathers for a tradional meal, candles are lit, bread is blessed over, etc. If you are not religious you just keep a low profile that night. Sabbath is Friday evening at sundown to Saturday night at sundown. I do not know where you are even going to have a rabbi marry you on the sabbath let alone get a rabbi , , even reform ra bbis do not marry on the day of rest. I suggest you have a wedding on a Sunday afternoon, the prices are more reasonable and everyone will be happy.I wish you luck with this.Please keep us posted!

Re: Please help me understand this....

In your other thread you mentioned that your FILs don't even honor the sabbath. I don't understand why they are so bothered by the Friday evening wedding if they themselves are not practicing at all.

However - you are breaking with religion and tradition. If you want a Friday night wedding, you have to accept that some people are going to upset about it. In a way, this is a slap in the face of Jewish custom.

I see nothing wrong with breaking tradition.
You are adults. You are entitled to practice whatever faith as you see fit. But by doing so, you are going to cause disputes and you will need to deal with it as an independent adult.

Are you willing to live with this? If not, move it to a Saturday with your FIL's contribution.

If you keep it Friday - stand your ground. If you are having dinner with FILs and they start in and are insulting you (as they were last night) - simply thank them for dinner and tell them that until they respect your decisions as a couple, then the conversation is over. LEAVE! Do not sit there and be berated by this family.

Re: Please help me understand this....

Well I don't mean to sound harsh but what is your FH saying b/c if he is ok with the date I don't see the big problem. It just seems weird that if he is jewish and is ok with the date why is everyone else flipping out. Then again its a wedding and that is what family does unfortunately.

I would have to say speak to your fiance on this. Is he ok with the date. That would be the most important thing to me.

Re: Please help me understand this....

I have to jump in on Neva's point...what is your FI saying???? No where do you mention him supporting you or saying his piece...if the date makes both of you happy why change it. This is all about you 2. Take care and all the best

Re: Please help me understand this....

The most important thing is what makes you and your fiance happy. If you both are okay with having a Friday wedding, the family will have to deal with it. That being said, you are marrying into this family and will deal with them for the rest of your life. If they are really so offended and insulted by the prospect of a Friday wedding you may want to reconsider. It does not set a good tone for your future if your in-laws feel so disrespected by you. Keep in mind that no matter what your FH wants, it will be perceived as your decision and your fault. You don't want to be seen as the person who caused him to turn his back on his family and his people. Even if the family is not religious, some things are such a part of the culture that its difficult to overlook. I am not Jewish, I just think that's the case with a lot of religions and cultures. If the main reason that you wanted a Friday was the issue of money, they have solved that problem by offering to pay the difference for a Saturday. You can also go with a Sunday which is also cheaper. If you do change the date, you should make it clear to them that you are doing it because of your respect for them and their beliefs. In turn, they have to respect you and your opinions in the future. Whatever you decide, do not let them berate you and make you feel bad about yourself. You have a right to live your life however you see fit. Good luck.

Re: Please help me understand this....

Thanks for all the good advice. It's good to get some perspective. FH told his grandmother that he did not agree with her, because he is not religious and neither is his family (btw, we are getting married by an interfaith minister at our reception site). He was very good at standing up for us. But, as someone else mentioned, this will always be viewed by certain family members as my doing and when it all comes down to it, I guess it is just not worth starting our marriage off on such a negative foot. Since FIL will help out with the extra $$ and we can get a Saturday around our original date, we are going to change the date. It is still almost a year away and we haven't booked any vendors, yet. I guess it is just hard for me because neither myself, nor FH grew up in a religious atmosphere, so I truly don't understand all this. I'm just glad I have a whole year to cool off and gain perspective before the wedding.

Re: Please help me understand this....

Just wanted to chime in here...

I am Jewish and FH is Protestant. We wound up going with a Friday night, for financial reasons. At first my mother was a little bothered by that, because of the Sabbath, although we are not religious, and never followed the Sabbath. She said that it was breaking tradition. But I guess I was lucky because I was able to quiet her down before she got started by stating that I'm 'breaking tradition' regardless - I am marrying out of my religion, which was my choice to make and that she accepted with open arms. What night we get married shouldn't matter either.

In your case, I would be torn, although I have a tendency to be a very stubborn woman (It's the Aries in me). If someone were willing to make up the price difference, and it was not an inconvenience to me, I would just switch it. I would try my hardest to look at it as compromise rather than giving in. And although you weren't doing it AT ALL to disrespect the Jewish faith in any way, it can and will only make you look like the bigger person in this. And the healing after the argument can begin. I wish you all the best...

Re: Please help me understand this....

I am sorry that you are going through this. I am Jewish and let me tell you one thing, this is not a religion issue. The issue is that your Fi's grandmother sounds like a miserable person and I don't think that anything you would have done would make her happy. It is hard to please every member of your family, but if you, your FI and both sets of parents are okay with the wedding taking place on a Friday night, then that is all that should matter!! Good Luck and don't let anyone take away the happiness that you are supposed to have at this exciting time!!

Re: Please help me understand this....

I will try to give you a different perspective...and it is from one of my best friends who is Jewish, but not religious.

I never understood why if she wasn't religious, she wouldn't date non-Jews. The way she explained it to me made sense and I think it applies to this situation.

Jews have been persecuted for 1000s of years...they have been picked on tortured and killed. To be Jewish has become more of an ethnicity than a religion. If Jews begin to cave into the pressures of a Christian world they will lose their culture and identity. It could be similar to getting married on Christmas Eve.

I hope I have explained it to you...I'm assuming you chose a Friday night, b/c of the price...so if FILs are willing to pay, I would take them up on it...1. It will keep peace in the family and although you may have to swallow a little pride...you'll have a lovely sat wedding that so many people want 2. you will help to preserve you FH's culture and show his family that you accept him for who he is.

Re: Please help me understand this....

I am sorry to hear how upset you were.
If they are willing to pay the difference, take them up on their offer!

Re: Please help me understand this....

I agree with JennBaby. If they have offered to pay the difference for the change in date, then do it. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot with your FH's family.

Re: Please help me understand this....

I'm Catholic and my DH is Jewish. We were married on a Sunday because of this very thing. My in-laws never had the chance to condemn us (me) since I never considered a Friday or Saturday wedding. I just knew that it would be offensive to them and cause unnecessary grief! We had an Interfaith ceremony with a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi.

It's definitely not worth the aggravation of dealing with his family if you don't move it. It's really a shame that you need to be put in this position.

Keep in mind that if you choose a Saturday evening in August, you can't get married until after sundown which is after 7 pm.

Best of luck.

Re: Please help me understand this....

I've been debating whether or not to respond to this b/c I'm Jewish and I happen to agree with your FH's grandma in that you should not get married on a Friday night even if neither of you are religious. I am not very religious either, but it would absolutely bother my family if we got married on a Friday night. I just think that if you have the option of changing to a Sunday, especially with the help of your future in-laws, I would do it. I totally disagree with the way she dealt with this. She should not have yelled at you or put you in this situation. She should have explained to you why it is important for you not to get married on a Friday night, without pointing a finger at you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but I understand where your fh's grandma is coming from.

Re: Please help me understand this....

Just a question, that no one seemed to mention. If fh grandmother is so upset about a Friday, and you change to Saturday, will she be happy. Someone wrothe the Sabbath is from sundown Fri to sundown on Sat is Sat going to be an issue as well?

Re: Please help me understand this....

Thanks for all the help, Ladies. I really appreciate your in-put. In response to the question about having it before sundown on Saturday, the answer is that FH grandmother feels it is OK to have it before sundown on a Saturday. Evidently, there is something in Reform Judaism that says this is OK, at least that is what she says. I personally find it hypocritical, if she is going to make such a big deal about Friday during the Sabbath, why is it OK to have it on Saturday during the Sabbath? But since I want an evening wedding, I'm not arguing the point w/ her. But I do find her reasoning a bit hard to swallow.

Re: Please help me understand this....

I would not equate hosting a Friday evening wedding with persecution of an entire religion. I think that is a bit much. And you are not taking anyone's faith away from them- your FH decided with you to have a Friday night wedding so he is okay with this decision. And Jews are not the only people who have been treated badly for their beliefs, let's not forgot that.
I totally understand the reasons behind your decision. I also understand some of the more religious people in his family being upset by it. I DO NOT agree with his grandmother making you feel so bad. And honestly I would have gotten up and walked away from the entire dinner if I were put in that position. His parents have offered to make up the difference and I would accept that since you have so much time and not many vendors booked. BUT I would also be very clear with them the costs involved. That way no one is suprised when the bill is due.
Regardless of your decision, I think his grandmother owes you an apology. I am not sure how you will ever want her in your home after the mean things she said to you. Weddings can bring out the best and worst in people. What will she do when you want to bring your child to a Church (if you do)? Just do not let other people think that they can bully you into a decision because they will use that tatic for the next 50 years.

Re: Please help me understand this....

I didn't mean to say that Friday night would represent the persecution of all Jews, but rather, that many Jews feel that their culture is slowly slipping away from them...even though they are not religious...it is part of their culture...that a majority Christian country often overlooks.