Please please help me!

i don't think i would ever let my in-laws dictate how i raise my children. if it meant, leaving my fh, i would.

other than that...

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Posted by nenna023

Does it change any of your opinions that I am not religious but love my holdiyas for the celebration part of it?? Im not into church or anything but i love decorating the tree and baking cookies for santa and coloring eggs and all that stuff. So it is wrong b/c im not religious to try anf ight for these things

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Neither FH or I practice our religion.. but you bet we love to celebrate the holidays as a family...You don't have to go to church to feel a part of something.. It is with you because of the way you were raised! Fight tooth and nail for this one... You will regret it if you don't... Why would they be so fearful of a little Easter Bunny or Santa?! The children would be loved either way....and would be accepting of multiple viewpoints and cultures.. whats so bad about that?!

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Posted by nenna023

Does it change any of your opinions that I am not religious but love my holdiyas for the celebration part of it?? Im not into church or anything but i love decorating the tree and baking cookies for santa and coloring eggs and all that stuff. So it is wrong b/c im not religious to try anf ight for these things

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I think the one thing we are all saying is that it's more of the control FMIL is trying to have over the life of FH, and you-since you are trying to build one TOGETHER....

There are compromises that can be made-say that they be raised Jewish, but that the will share in the customs of your youth, as well, like tree-trimming and easter eggs, without attending mass. But ONLY...ONLY IF YOU are ok with that.

Obviously his parents have a major problem, especially if they are expecting you and FH to decide to raise the kids with their religion or they wont have anything to do with you guys. You have already said that they dont really have a relationship witht he brother because he married a non jewish girl.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to celebrate the holidays your way. There is also no reason why your FH or his family should expect you to follow their religion. In a marriage there is suppose to be compromising among the wife and the husband. It shouldnt have anything to do with his parents or the rest of his family. They shouldnt even be invlolved in the important decisions you guys make. I think your FH needs to start standing up for you and this relationship when it comes to his family. If not, then Im afraid to say there are going ot be serious problems in the future.

Like the rest of those, I dont want to sound harsh, but hes obviously no putting you first if he's letting his parents dictate the way you guys are going to start a family and how to raise your kids. I am a little shocked that he even allowed them to say what they did to you. I think you guys need to have a serious one-to-one and see if this is something important to your FH or not . It's extremely important to know before hand if you guys are going to be able to compliment each other in life, before taking hte big step.

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Posted by nenna023

Does it change any of your opinions that I am not religious but love my holdiyas for the celebration part of it?? Im not into church or anything but i love decorating the tree and baking cookies for santa and coloring eggs and all that stuff. So it is wrong b/c im not religious to try anf ight for these things

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it doesn't change my opinion at all. it's something you value, and that's what. Plus a LOT changes when it comes to kids. Many people really feel a deep desire to share some of the religious and cultural things they learned in youth but may have pushed aside as an adult. Fh doesn't really practice judaism much at all, but he feels very strongly about imparting it on his children, and I respect that.

I don't care if you only celebrate xmas and only for the gifts. it's not even ABOUT that. it's about respecting you. it's about you and your Fh being able to live your own lives, and knowing that no matter what, he chooses you

First off thanks so much for all the responses I'm glad to see that I am not crazy. Secondly we are getting amrried at our hall by a rabbi becuase i converted. Now I converted becuause I was told that I would never be able to stay with FH if I did not so to make it easy for everyone i did. But I was also told by FH that we would be able to do WHATEVER WEEEEEEE decided later on when it came to our lives and our children. Obviously this is not happeneing and I regret converting. I know many fully jewish people who do what they choose so I dont care if i converted I still have a say in my life! I converted out of repsect for his family and to make things easier for us, now it seems that me convertiung means i have no control and i regret that i ever did. Thank you girls so much for helping me. I have to go to work now but will be back at 8. Im sure people at work will love to see me now, i look terrible from crying and i am in the worst mood. I hate life right now

I had a similar experience with an ex. His parents hated me because of my religion, and I knew that if we got married it would cause all kinds of problems down the road, and he always sided with his parents, and never stood up for me. I had many of the same issues you are having and after almost four years I got out of that relationship (for lots of other reasons as well).
When FH and I started getting serious, I had many concerns because of what I experienced with the ex. FH made it clear to me that his parents don't have any problems with it, and if they did, then it would be too bad for them, he wouldn't for a second even consider letting them control our lives. This was such a relief for me.
I think the first sign for you was them making you convert. It sounds to me from what you wrote that you really didn't want to, you just did it to make things easier.. How exactly would this make things easier? Obviously you have attachment to your holidays, which is fine. But by converting, you said that you didn't. I am not really sure how you can celebrate non-jewish holidays when you are both jewish.
You need to give this some very serious thought. If he can't say no to his parents now, he never will, and you will be miserable.

I'm so sorry!

you made such a huge personal sacrifice for FH when you converted. but it's a really dangerous thing. You can't let go of your own identity entirely. I really hope it works out

ETA: I LOVE my FH, but I would never EVER in a million years ave converted to pelase him or his family. And that's one of the things he loves me for, my independence. He expects me to be independent. With all of these things going on in his family, you have to wonder what your FH and his family expect from you. I think it was a really brave sacrifice to convert and it seems like they don't at all appreciate it.

Oh nenna....even though you converted (which they should realize you did for THEM...) you are still who you are, and can enjoy celebrating holidays of your youth! You didn't SELL your soul.. but it sounds like they are asking you to!

What would happen if the shoe were on the other foot?! Would he have even CONSIDERED changing religion teams?! What would his parents or family have said if yours said 'we won't speak anymore if you don't abide by our rules'....Don't you think your fiance might feel a little anxious to run for the hills, much like you are feeling now?!

Many hugs sent your way...

Wow...what did FH say when you told him that they said this to you? In my opinion it doesn't matter if your religious or not, converted or not. They do not have the right to put their noses where they do not belong. Yes your FH might want to please his family and they obviously mean what they say if they don't talk to your FBIL, but you are his family now and these are decisions that you guys have to make together.

oh boy!!! I am soo sorry for all that you are going through!!!



I agree with a lot of the advice the other girls gave...once you and FI get married YOU become his family and the two of you together then create your own family... if he cant stand up to his parents now, i dont think he ever will, and this is something that will torment your marriage forever. at least he still has his brother to have a relationship with...

I cant believe his parents are willing to sever ties with both of their children...that is just sick in my opinion...

for me, I am jewish and FI is catholic... i have never been very regligous at all and grew up celebrating both holidays (mom is jewish, dad is catholic), but if his family ever told me I had to give up my traditions that I have known my entire life I would give a big to them!

I am sooo very sorry for the way that you are feeling right now!!!

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Posted by nenna023

Now I converted becuause I was told that I would never be able to stay with FH if I did not so to make it easy for everyone i did. But I was also told by FH that we would be able to do WHATEVER WEEEEEEE decided later on when it came to our lives and our children.

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I think this is totally wrong. I cant believe you were actually told this. I am hoping it wasnt by FH. Too me it seems like his family is having a whole lot to say in your relationship and thats just not right. I really do hope everything works out for you guys. Please remember not to forget to stand up for yourself either. Remember there are TWO people in a relationship, not one, and there needs to be compromise.

I told my FH about your situation, because he's on your Fh's side of it, and I asked him for his opinion. He said it's hard on your Fh because his aprents did raise him, and it might hard for him to fully accept your traditions because he was raised with Jewish ones, but that he has to stand up to his parents and tell them that they have to respect your decisions as a couple. He also said that if his parents would be willing to lose him over a couple of holidays, especially after you going through converting and everything, then they aren't really be loving parents, and what kind of parents would do that? He said that he has to start standng up to his parents and putting YOU first.

This is coming from someone who has been through it. I had a LOT of fights with FH in the beginning, and it took us years to get to where we are now, but if it hadn't gotten to this point, there is NO way I would be marrying him, and he knows it.

it is HARD for some people to stand up to their parents, especially if they're not used to doing it. My Fh never openend his mouth to his parents at all before he met me, but now he's getting to be a good fighter. But the bootom line is that at some point your FH has to stand up to them once and for all and if he's not capable, then you need to leave.

I did mention that my FH used to let his parents control and amnipulate him and it hurt our relationship so much, but he did learn to stand up to them and he did realize that he was going to lose me if he didn't choose me. So people CAN change. With my FH, he was very young when we started dating, so it really was a gradual process that took years. if your FH thinks he can eventually do it, and you really think he's gonna make an effort, then postpone the wedding planning until things get better. Do NOT get married with this still up in the air.

If he won't stand up to his parents, or if they really decide that he ahs to choose between them and you, and he decides to choose them, then you really deserve better. I'm not saying your FH isn't a wonderful person and that the two of you don't love each other very deeply, but there's also being 'right' for each other. aand that involves a lot more than romance. Maybe the person who is 'right' for him has to be Jewish (born jewish), because he doesn't have it in him to stand up to his parents. Situations are what they are, and sometimes there's nothing you cna do to change him.

I really hope though that there will be some kind of revelation, either his parents will come to their senses, or because FH will learn to stand up to them. but please please PLEASE don't marry someone who won't choose YOU and who will let other people run your lives.

I know I sound like I have such a quick and direct answer, but I have been where you are, and I've had a lot of time to give it thought. You don't want to lose yourself in a relationship. You'll regret it forever. It also really kills your sense of self esteem to be married to someone who doens't choose you above all others. Trust me, I have been tehre. There was one event YEARS ago when FH didn't choose me, and I thought ti would be the end of us. it turned out it wasn't (this was a one time incident, not a lifestyle choice), and he learned from it, and the thought of losing me hit him, and that's why we are where we are today, but those scars are STILL with it. It took a long time of him choosing ME for me to be convinced that he would always choose me.

I think if you do stay together, you have a lot to work out. Interfaith relationships are REALLY hard, and a lot of the time don't work out. But it isn't because they're doomed from day 1, it's because the mutual respect isn't there, or because one or bother partners isn't prepared to put in the extra effort. Being interfaith is like having ALL of the pressures of a normal relationship, with a HUGE extra weight tacked on. it's hard enough to make a marriage work when you were reaised the same way. I'm ot saying this to discourage you (believe me I HATE hearing it), but because it's the truth, and both you and your Fh have to be up to the challenge.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Its your life too. You can't be unhappy. Whatever happens please keep in touch. Be strong. I just wanted to say that you have to listen to your inner heart and the Lord will provide.