What if you had to make a decsion right now that could ruin or possibly end your relationship. What would you do if you were told not by FH but by his family that you had to raise your children under a certain religion and you could not celebrate any of your holdiyas with your own kids in your own house. There is no compromise in this. Would you stay with FH and hope it works out and deal with the fact that you cant have your holidays and other things you want or would you leave stay or leave please help me!
Kiddo115
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Why would your FH's family have a say in how YOU and FH raise YOUR children?! It's none of their business... Have a heart to heart with FH.. Did you ever talk about religion before? Is it really important in both of your lives? I am so sorry that NOW they are laying this on you..... bad timing! And poor taste!
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
I would leave if Fh were going along with it.
You shouldn't let your in laws controlw aht the two of you do, and it's up to HIM to let them know that and keep them out of it. If he's going along with it, and it makes you unhappy, and it seems disrespectful to me..why do it? Also,you may feel unfulfilled and disrespected for the rest of your life. I'm in an interfaith relationship, and respect is such a huge factor, that we recognize the validity and imporatnce of each toher's cultures is important. Of course my parents would love to try to make us raise the kids 100% catholic, and his 100% jewish, but we're stadning up to our parents and doing what WE need to do as a couple.
What will his in law control next? what to name your kids, how freequently to have sex?
I'm being really serious, because I've been dealing with these issues for 6 years with my FH..and I KNOW that if he ever said or agreed with anyone who said I couldn't continue to have christmas or bring my own children to church, I'd know he wasn't the one for me..the same way he'd leave me if I said we couldn;t go to temple or celebrate passover, etc.
nenna023
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
They will not speak to him anymore if we raise our children to celebrate all of the holidays. And obviously he does not want that so thats why they have a say. Yes it was spoken about before and we thought we would be able to do our thing but last night it was finalized that we can not. and now i do not know what to do. I know it is just holidays but i feel its so much more then that
Kiddo115
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
And isn't it the mothers choice anyway. .I know there is always 'what the mother is, the baby is...'..... We have had this a few times in our family... It's tough, and I don't envy your position.. but like Marymoon said, Your inlaws should not have that kind of control over your life together as a couple... Stand up now.. or fall prey to them for the rest of your life!
amstellitelady
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
oh man thats tough. first, i'm so sorry u r going through something like this and so deep into the relationship. but i don't think it should be up to the in-laws, its up to you and your FH. i believe that it goes towards the wife's religion, please correct me if i'm wrong. but now a dayz, it should be up to your kids when they r at the age they can decide.
You and your FI need to sit in a quiet place alone and discuss it. Tell him what was said to you and see how u can work it out.
best of luck
nenna023
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Posted by marymoon
I would leave if Fh were going along with it.
You shouldn't let your in laws controlw aht the two of you do, and it's up to HIM to let them know that and keep them out of it. If he's going along with it, and it makes you unhappy, and it seems disrespectful to me..why do it? Also,you may feel unfulfilled and disrespected for the rest of your life. I'm in an interfaith relationship, and respect is such a huge factor, that we recognize the validity and imporatnce of each toher's cultures is important. Of course my parents would love to try to make us raise the kids 100% catholic, and his 100% jewish, but we're stadning up to our parents and doing what WE need to do as a couple.
What will his in law control next? what to name your kids, how freequently to have sex?
I'm being really serious, because I've been dealing with these issues for 6 years with my FH..and I KNOW that if he ever said or agreed with anyone who said I couldn't continue to have christmas or bring my own children to church, I'd know he wasn't the one for me..the same way he'd leave me if I said we couldn;t go to temple or celebrate passover, etc.[/Q
see but i love him and i am so torn. I say the same thing to him and last night when they said that they would not speak to him if he raised our children to celebrate all holidays he did not say anything. It was me doing most of the talking. He is going along with them b/c he doesnt want to ruin his relationship with them but it is ruining ours.
Kiddo115
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Posted by nenna023
They will not speak to him anymore if we raise our children to celebrate all of the holidays. And obviously he does not want that so thats why they have a say. Yes it was spoken about before and we thought we would be able to do our thing but last night it was finalized that we can not. and now i do not know what to do. I know it is just holidays but i feel its so much more then that
It is sooooo much more than holidays. it's your culture and tradtions!!! In this day and age, you would think they would be happy that you are celebrating holidays at all!! So many people have gone away from organized religions. and the fact that it is so important to both of you.. kudos to you guys! Your kids would be blessed in life with you two as parents, setting a prime example that you can be more than one thing!
Just curious.. is FH an only child?
nenna023
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
no he has an older brother who married a non jewish girl and it has ruined the relationship with his parents and him
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Posted by nenna023
They will not speak to him anymore if we raise our children to celebrate all of the holidays. And obviously he does not want that so thats why they have a say. Yes it was spoken about before and we thought we would be able to do our thing but last night it was finalized that we can not. and now i do not know what to do. I know it is just holidays but i feel its so much more then that
it IS a lot more than that.
it's about your beliefs and him not respecting them or you enough to stand up to his parents. THEY're making him choose, and guess what, he's choosing them over you. Do you realize that? What are they going to demand next? He needs to cut the apron strings. If he can't stand up to his aprents and tell them they need to respect your decisions, then he's NOT the one for you. He's not ready to make that commitment. I'm not saying it's an easy decision for him, but it's APPALLINg to me that he's following through on that, and letting them control you. What will they try to control next. They're using threats to get what they want. What happens when you have kids, and then they say 'if you put little billy in private school, I'll never speak to you again' then you have KIDS involved who will suffer from not hvaing grandparents.
If I were you, I would tell Fh that that's NOT how it's going to be, that the two of you are going to make your own decisions, and he needs to talk to them and tell them that. If they can;t respect the decisions the two of you have made, then it's THEIR problem. If FH can't do that, then he's not ready for commitment. Trust me, you will be really unhappy if you let this happen You'll always be marginalized. Think of seeing your children and not being able to teach them about the holidays that have brought you so much joy.
I wouldn't do it. I'm being really harsh and I don't mean to me, I've just been down this raod with FH already, and we've had to set that standard that it's OUR decision
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Posted by nenna023
see but i love him and i am so torn. I say the same thing to him and last night when they said that they would not speak to him if he raised our children to celebrate all holidays he did not say anything. It was me doing most of the talking. He is going along with them b/c he doesnt want to ruin his relationship with them but it is ruining ours.
That's EXACTLY why i feel like he's choosing them over you. Do you see that? If yu're going to be his wife, YOU have to come first..ALWAYS. He's not putting you first. When you get married, you start your OWN family.
If his parents really won't ever be convinced to respect the decisions you have amde as a couple, and really won't speak to him if you continue as planned, then he has to choose between you and them..and it appears he's choosing them. it's AWFUL..
and it's really abd that you're doing all the talking. HE should be. it's HIS family. If you do all the talking, then it looks like he agrees, and YOU're the problem..
I've been down this road SO much with my in laws...
Kiddo115
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Is FH close to his brother? Can he consult him on this? Would it be 'worth' it to him to chose you?!!!! To me, he is starting a new family with you and you come first. If my family did this to me.. I would chose my FH and thats that. I've always made decisions that benefit us as a couple.. outside sources aside. But in your case... I really don't know what to do.. it's really up to you and FH.....but talk open and honestly with eachother about it.. weigh everything out...
Sooner or later, parents have to realize that the cord has to be cut.... I think with most parents it's continuing that control long after the marriage happens, and the child moves out. Giving up control is hard, but they should get over it because it's not their lives.. they got to live theirs already!
JessicaM.
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
This is a very difficult time for you and I am sorry for that. It is so hard when someone has the ability to hold something over someone's head to get their own way. If FH is only agreeing to his parents wishes to please them, I suggest you tell him that this is a make or break situation. He needs to realize that the two of you are building a NEW life together, not attaching yourselves to an old one. Perhaps he will call his mother's bluff, and tell her if she wants a son, she will have to accept her daughter in law and grandchildren, no matter what holiday's you celebrate.
Love should always ENHANCE your life- it should never take anything away from it.
Good luck. God bless.
Kiddo115
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
DOes FH bro have any children with the non-jewish wife?
angdoceul
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Once you two are married the only 'family' that comes first is the one you made together. You cant let others try and interfere. You and your future children should be first and foremost in his mind. This is a desicion you both need to make, not your in-laws. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
nenna023
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Does it change any of your opinions that I am not religious but love my holdiyas for the celebration part of it?? Im not into church or anything but i love decorating the tree and baking cookies for santa and coloring eggs and all that stuff. So it is wrong b/c im not religious to try anf ight for these things
JP&EP
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
I feel badly for you that you have to go through this, but I agree with everything Marymoon has said. His not saying anything to his parents has spoken volumes indicating that he goes along with what they want.
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.
leighdvm
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
I may be a little harsh with my opinion, and I apologize in advance if it offends you.....
I would have SERIOUS issues with FH if he risked his relationship with YOU to please his PARENTS! I'm not saying his family is not important, but YOU and your future children are his NEW family and should come first.
His parents are horrible to demand this of you and FH.
Jan05Bride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
your inlaws obviously have no respect for your upbringing and beliefs which means they have no respect for you. Your FH is allowing them to control his life. I hate to be harsh, but get out now before they destroy your very being; they are going to control your children and your life .... I am sorry you are going through this, it is an awful situation. Where are your parents? What is their reaction?
Jan05Bride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Please please help me!
Posted by nenna023
Does it change any of your opinions that I am not religious but love my holdiyas for the celebration part of it?? Im not into church or anything but i love decorating the tree and baking cookies for santa and coloring eggs and all that stuff. So it is wrong b/c im not religious to try anf ight for these things
It's part of your culture if not your religon and I wouldn't give that up for some crazy religous zealots.
