Please proof read my engagement story.

I'm doing a folded menu. On one side will be the menu and the other side will be FH's proposal story. Please proof read and feel free to make any suggestions.

The Proposal
Ken said he wanted to do something special for his 30th birthday so he planned a hiking trip with some friends. The goal was to hike Mount Washington, the highest point in the northeast with some of the world's most extreme weather. We arrived late at the camp site. I was not a happy camper because it had rained all night. We got up at five the next morning, had a light breakfast and were at the trail by six. My backpack was filled with clothes, snacks, water and a small bottle of champange. Although I had a 50 pound backpack Ken claimed he had a heavier load on his back. We hiked for 5 hours with stops along the way. One mile before the summit, I told Ken “I’m not going to make it, you should continue with Brian and Jess”. He said “No, you don't UNDERSTAND. You're getting your A$$ to the summit!” I paid no attention. An hour later, we finally made it to the summit. At that point the rain had turned to snow and we were literally in the clouds. At the summit we waited in line to have our pictures taken. When it was finally our turn for pictures, all of a sudden Ken dropped to his knees. He said something but I couldn’t hear a word because my hood was on tight and the wind was blowing. But I saw the bling! At first I was like, are you kidding me? Here? But I said yes. That night back at camp I asked Ken “ Would you have still proposed if I didn’t make it to the summit?” His response was “No, but I know you’d hike it in half the time tomorrow if there was a ring involved”. He also said we should come back for our anniversary. “NO WAY, I already earned my ring!”
Sam
This is my mock up.
Outside of menu wrapped in red Chinese brocade

Inside with menu on the right, engagement story will be on left.




Sorry this is so long. Thanks for your help.

Your proposal is a cute story but the way you wrote it sounds a bit negative. I know you don't mean it that way at all but that is how it comes a cross. I think you were trying to laugh about how all of those little irritations seemed like nothing once you realized you were getting engaged but it comes off a bit more like you are complaining about the way you were proposed to. I'm not saying you are complaining about it, its just that I am an English teacher so I scrutinize everything! I would suggest ending a more positive note. (And def. take out the line 'Are you kidding me? Here?- or something like that). Basically, I think if you want to exaggerate the story to make fun of the whole situation in a light hearted way you need to sound like you are excessively exaggerating. If you are not going to do that, spin everything in the more positive way. If you want, I can help you change it up.
Ps. The menus are such a cute idea and are very pretty!

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Posted by KPetekie

Your proposal is a cute story but the way you wrote it sounds a bit negative. I know you don't mean it that way at all but that is how it comes a cross. I think you were trying to laugh about how all of those little irritations seemed like nothing once you realized you were getting engaged but it comes off a bit more like you are complaining about the way you were proposed to. I'm not saying you are complaining about it, its just that I am an English teacher so I scrutinize everything! I would suggest ending a more positive note. (And def. take out the line 'Are you kidding me? Here?- or something like that). Basically, I think if you want to exaggerate the story to make fun of the whole situation in a light hearted way you need to sound like you are excessively exaggerating. If you are not going to do that, spin everything in the more positive way. If you want, I can help you change it up.
Ps. The menus are such a cute idea and are very pretty!

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Please, can you re-write it? Thanks a million!

I thought it was a little negative too so i changed it for you
Beautiful menus by the way!!!!

The Proposal (I would put the date here)
Ken’s 30th birthday was coming up so we planned a special hiking trip with some friends. The goal was to hike to the summit of Mount Washington. Mount Washington is the highest point in the northeast and boasts some of the world's most extreme weather. That night we arrived late at the camp site. It rained all night and I knew we were in for a challenge. We rose at five a.m. the next morning, had a light breakfast, and were on the trail by six. My backpack was filled to the brim with clothes, snacks, water and a small bottle of champagne. I had a 50 pound backpack but Ken claimed he had a heavier load on his back. Little did I know about his extra “package”! We hiked for 5 hours with stops along the way. One mile before the summit, I was exhausted and I told Ken “I’m not going to make it, you should continue with Brian and Jess”. He said “No, you don't UNDERSTAND. You're getting your behind to the summit!” I didn’t think anything of it at the time and I trudged on. An hour later, we finally made it to the summit. The view was breathtaking! At that point the rain had turned to snow and we were literally in the clouds. We patiently waited in line to have our pictures taken. When it was finally our turn for pictures, all of a sudden Ken dropped to his knees. He was saying something but I couldn’t hear a word because my hood was on tight and the wind was blowing. Then I saw the most amazing ring! In disbelief, I asked, “Are you kidding?”. I never imagined he would propose there. Of course I said, “Yes!”. That night, back at camp, I asked Ken “Would you have still proposed if I didn’t make it to the summit?” His response was “No, but I knew you’d hike it in half the time tomorrow if there was a ring involved”. He also said we should come back for our anniversary. I smiled sweetly and said,“NO WAY, I already earned my ring!”
We’re still on cloud nine!
Sam


note : Did you camp out on the summit that night? Because you can add that in (romantic!). Did you drink the champagne at the summit?

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Posted by FutureMrsCarrieri

I thought it was a little negative too so i changed it.
Beautiful menus by the way!!!!

The Proposal (I would put the date here)
Ken’s 30th birthday was coming up so we planned a special hiking trip with some friends. The goal was to hike to the summit of Mount Washington. Mount Washington is the highest point in the northeast and boasts some of the world's most extreme weather. That night we arrived late at the camp site. It rained all night and I knew we were in for a challenge. We rose at five a.m. the next morning, had a light breakfast, and were on the trail by six. My backpack was filled to the brim with clothes, snacks, water and a small bottle of champagne. I had a 50 pound backpack but Ken claimed he had a heavier load on his back. Little did I know about his extra “package”! We hiked for 5 hours with stops along the way. One mile before the summit, I was exhausted and I told Ken “I’m not going to make it, you should continue with Brian and Jess”. He said “No, you don't UNDERSTAND. You're getting your behind to the summit!” I didn’t think anything of it at the time and I trudged on. An hour later, we finally made it to the summit. The view was breathtaking! At that point the rain had turned to snow and we were literally in the clouds. We patiently waited in line to have our pictures taken. When it was finally our turn for pictures, all of a sudden Ken dropped to his knees. He was saying something but I couldn’t hear a word because my hood was on tight and the wind was blowing. Then I saw the most amazing ring! In disbelief, I asked, “Are you kidding?”. I never imagined he would propose there. Of course I said, “Yes!”. That night, back at camp, I asked Ken “Would you have still proposed if I didn’t make it to the summit?” His response was “No, but I knew you’d hike it in half the time tomorrow if there was a ring involved”. He also said we should come back for our anniversary. I smiled sweetly and said,“NO WAY, I already earned my ring!”
We’re still on cloud nine!
Sam


note : Did you camp out on the summit that night? Because you can add that in (romantic!). Did you drink the champagne at the summit?

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great spin on it!...a few words makes all the diff!

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Posted by FutureMrsCarrieri

I thought it was a little negative too so i changed it for you
Beautiful menus by the way!!!!

note : Did you camp out on the summit that night? Because you can add that in (romantic!). Did you drink the champagne at the summit?

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Thank you so much! How could I have forgotten the proposal date?!!
We did not camp out on the summit that night. Hiking with the tents would have been too much. We did do a toast with our friends at the summit. Should I include that in my story? I am very tight on printable space and I don't want to make the fonts smaller. Maybe I can delete something else.

You don't think I should say A$$? That is literally what he said. When I showed this to his mother, she LOL and said that is so Ken. My MOH was cracking up too when she read this. I guess you'll have to know the two of us to get it.
Once again, thank you so much. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you.

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Posted by lucamon

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Posted by FutureMrsCarrieri

I thought it was a little negative too so i changed it for you
Beautiful menus by the way!!!!

note : Did you camp out on the summit that night? Because you can add that in (romantic!). Did you drink the champagne at the summit?

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Thank you so much! How could I have forgotten the proposal date?!!
We did not camp out on the summit that night. Hiking with the tents would have been too much. We did do a toast with our friends at the summit. Should I include that in my story? I am very tight on printable space and I don't want to make the fonts smaller. Maybe I can delete something else.

You don't think I should say A$$? That is literally what he said. When I showed this to his mother, she LOL and said that is so Ken. My MOH was cracking up too when she read this. I guess you'll have to know the two of us to get it.
Once again, thank you so much. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you.

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no problem :)
By all means use A$$ if that's what he would say!

Those menus are something else by the way -- I showed FH. He told me to not even THINK about it (my menus are already done, lol)

Great job. I was really impressed with the menus.
It was nice of Mrs C to help you out. She is a creative writer. I noticed something else she had written along the way.
Good Job!!

Little did I know about his extra “package”!



Sorry my dirty mind kind of stopped there and giggled

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Posted by yswedding

Little did I know about his extra “package”!



Sorry my dirty mind kind of stopped there and giggled

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Yeah, FH didn't like this part. We took it out.

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Posted by yswedding

Little did I know about his extra “package”!



Sorry my dirty mind kind of stopped there and giggled

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I didn't think of that at all, lol

That's because I've never had an impure thought and I'm a virgin






I hope lightening doesn't strike me dead

your menus are absolutely beautiful!!!!!

great job with the editing girls!!

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Posted by FutureMrsCarrieri

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Posted by yswedding

Little did I know about his extra “package”!



Sorry my dirty mind kind of stopped there and giggled

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I didn't think of that at all, lol

That's because I've never had an impure thought and I'm a virgin






I hope lightening doesn't strike me dead

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I didn't get that either when I read it. Guys think differently.