PLEASE PROOFREAD

As Alissa & Shawn begin their journey as Mr. & Mrs.
they surely could use your advice, blessings, and well wishes
So please share with them your wisdom of marriage, love, and life--
How to be a loving husband and a top notch wife
Write your thoughts, drop a line, or simply sign your name
They'll use these to remember that you came!


Does this sound okay? SP?

put his name first, then your name because it says mr. and mrs. (not mrs. and mr)

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Posted by slyman1101

put his name first, then your name because it says mr. and mrs. (not mrs. and mr)

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Yes, and capitalize the 't' in They since it begins a new line. All the lines are started with a capital letter except for that one.

i love it!!

but i think maybe the last line might sound better if it had a few extra syllables

like...they'll use these to remember blank blank blank and that you came

...that could just be my weirdness with beats in anything with rhymes, though.

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Posted by xxpazzaxx

As Alissa & Shawn begin their journey as Mr. & Mrs.
they surely could use your advice, blessings, and well wishes
So please share with them your wisdom of marriage, love, and life--
How to be a loving husband and a top notch wife
Write your thoughts, drop a line, or simply sign your name
They'll use these to remember that you came!


Does this sound okay? SP?

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I agree with swapping the names so it makes more sense with the Mr. & Mrs.

I would take out the word 'surely' or perhaps change the line to 'they would love your advice, blessings, and well wishes' -- people don't really use the word surely like that and it sounds a little contrived. You don't need the extra beat in the poem anyway.

I would take out the word 'so' on the next line, as well as the dashes at the end of it.

For the last two lines... how about:

'Write your thoughts, share a story, just a name -- a few words /
It will mean so much to the darling love birds!'

Ok, that could be a little lame, but I feel like the word 'came' sounds funny just hanging there like that.

I'm being totally hypercritical because you asked us to proofread -- it is also very nice the way it is, and what a lovely sentiment and idea for your wedding!! If you don't change a thing, people will still know what to do and find it charming, so don't feel like you have to listen to me in the least!

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Posted by xxpazzaxx


Write your thoughts, drop a line, or simply sign your name
They'll use these to remember that you came!


Does this sound okay? SP?

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I agree with the last line needing a few more syllables.
How bout...


Write your thoughts, drop a line, or simply sign your name
They'll use these tokens to remember that you came!