please read.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Debt is a SCARY thing. However, it doesn't sound from your post that FH is irresponsible. Almost everyone has some kind of school loan these days and it can be a lot worse than $60k. Usually school loan payments are manageable, they just take a while to pay off. I think, unless I am understanding your post wrong and FH has just blown his money and gotten into a mountain of debt, the two of you will be just fine. Obviously it's better to enter a marriage without debt, but, realistically, how many people really are entirely 'in the black' when starting out? Just take a deep breath and regroup. How much longer will it really take to pay off the loans if you live on $150 per week instead of $100?

Also, on another note, if the loans are federal student loans, they are not dischargeable in bankruptcy, so FH might as well scrap that idea.

Hope that helps.

thx for reading and your response.

fh has been buying cars and stupid stuff ever since he was about 18. he learned the hard way and has been trying to pay this stuff off since about 5 years ago. if we stick to the plan, the debt will be paid off in 3-4 years. we actually considered using my savings to pay off my car loan and then the wedding money to pay off his debt but honestly i don't want to go down that route.

It's a huge scary issue especially with the economy the way it is. Bankruptcy is not so easy to do any more and they don't discharge every debt. Also you guys must consider that if he files for bankruptcy, you can kiss getting a mortgage goodbye for a long time.

Have you considered talking to a credit counseling service? I believe that also make a mark on your credit report, but I don't believe it is as severe as a bankruptcy.

Good luck.

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this right before the wedding!!! Secondly...DO NOT apply for bankruptcy!!! It will ruin your credit and make it nearly impossible to get approved for a mortgage and get any type of loan in the future. Third of all...I am in the same boat. FH is in a lot of debt and I have a pretty good amount to my name...so you are not alone. You just need to realize that you are in this together and you need to slowly chip away at the debt. Just always try to pay more than the minimum, it doesnt have to be a lot more, just at least $50-$100 more. Maybe once the wedding comes you will get some money from guests and you can pay off a chunk of the debt. This IS manageable though, don't think that you are alone. There are MANY people out there who have substantial debt, way more than you guys. Hang in there!!

I don't want to scare you but this is something serious you have to work out BEFORE the wedding. The first thing you each have to do is be honest. Next, set up an appt with a financial planner. S/he will be able to go through all of your debt, expenses and income. And, the FP will be able to help lay out a budget you can stick to to repay all the debt. There's also the possibility of refinancing or consolidating certain loans to get a better interest rate.

The one thing you do not want to do is go into this marriage blind. Make sure you know what's going on and then YOU have to decide if this is worth taking on. It's possible to come out of a $40k debt, but it will take time, patience, and control on both of your parts. Make sure FH is willing to sacrifice to get back on track.

Just remember that after you're married, his debt becomes your debt. Both of you credit ratings can be damaged if he has access to your credit cards, for example. Just be very clear on what's going on and what you're getting into.

The bigger issue is that I wonder why he's kept this a secret from you for so long. Relationships, and especially marriage, are about honesty and trust. He needs to build that up again.

And finally, I understand why you're hiding your identity, but please don't be embarrassed. This is nothing you did wrong. Please keep us updated.

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Posted by Depressed

thx for reading and your response.

fh has been buying cars and stupid stuff ever since he was about 18. he learned the hard way and has been trying to pay this stuff off since about 5 years ago. if we stick to the plan, the debt will be paid off in 3-4 years. we actually considered using my savings to pay off my car loan and then the wedding money to pay off his debt but honestly i don't want to go down that route.

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Another option maybe you can consider is with your wedding money open savings and take a secured personal loan it. You won't be able to use your wedding money until the loan is paid off but atleast you would gaining interest.

I dont really have an answer as I myself am not the best with money. However, its ok to be a frustrated and upset by this as I would be as well.

Just breathe and remember you guys are partners and you will figure out a way to make this work.

Have you spoken to any financial advisors?

I am sorry.. and I am also in the same boat. I have savings and I own our house.. meanwhile my FH is in SOOO much debt... 22k for a car he didnt need, 8k for credit card he abused, and another 40k for student loans... so I def. know how you feel. I have some debt of my own (1 credit card (its like 1K) and 1 student loan thats about 20k) but mine is more manageable. We just take one day at a time and try to pay off as much as we can. Right now planning for a wedding and paying for the house its impossible but after the wedding we are going to bust our buts to pay it, even if it means we live off of 100 a week or whatever...Its hard, Its annoying, but i always try to think that it could be worse.. and I love him so what else am I going to do!

You guys can make it work... you have to budget and you have to cut spending and live less comfortably, but you wont be in debt forever and in the end you will have made it through one of the biggest and hardest obstacles of your marriage

I would seriously speak to someone before filing bankruptcy. Not all loans get discharged in Bankruptcy. Also see if the loans can be stretched out for a longer term.....I know that might sound crazy but it would take the stress off right now and you can pay more when you have it and still try to pay them off close to the original term

You will make it through....FH and I have a combined debt of over 250K due to student loans......so I would kill to have only 50K......There are always ways to get through the money situations you just cant panic and file bankruptcy.

well what exactly kind of 'debt' does he have? if its credit card debt than thats just irresponsible - and for me that would be HUGE problem....someone not being able to manage their money SCARES me....

FH and I have 0 credit card debt

we do have debt though - my FH still has school loans to pay off and we own property in florida that we have about 10K left to pay off - but those are things that i don't really consider 'debt'....as far as that the only thing we owe on is our car payments - we lease....and one day soon we'll have a mortgage (i hope!)....

for me, and im being honest, i wouldnt marry someone who is bad with their money - and as sexist as it may sound, for me, i want my man to be the main provider - i feel like a good man will make good money, will make sacrifices for his family and will manage his money correctly....to me those are very admirable and desireable traits in a man and husband.....it wasnt until i dated a loser bum that i realized how important those things were to me....of course that doesnt mean i get to live on easy street i work and i make a decent living myself and we pretty much both manage our money and bills seperately even though we have been living together for 3 years already....

but anyway, this is important stuff - and his debt becomes your debt after the wedding....was this a secret from you? or did you know all along? maybe you can wait until he has everything paid off before getting married? maybe you can postpone? i totally can see where you are coming from, i would want to start on a clean slate....if not, the solution you came up with sounds like it could really work out - your FH just needs to get over $50 a week - seriously, do you know how much i live on a week? since we've had the wedding to pay for i pay for gas and thats IT for the week - i dont buy anything or do anything for myself - its called sacrifice - he needs to get over that....

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Posted by geegee827

It's a huge scary issue especially with the economy the way it is. Bankruptcy is not so easy to do any more and they don't discharge every debt. Also you guys must consider that if he files for bankruptcy, you can kiss getting a mortgage goodbye for a long time.

Have you considered talking to a credit counseling service? I believe that also make a mark on your credit report, but I don't believe it is as severe as a bankruptcy.

Good luck.

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i know- i mentioned this to fh that with the way things are today with bankruptcy under our belts, it is going to be very difficult to get a mortgage in the future. the best part is that fh has excellent credit. he has always made payments and can honestly walk into a bank and get a loan of 200 thousand. so that is the plus side i guess lol.

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Posted by alli3131

I would seriously speak to someone before filing bankruptcy. Not all loans get discharged in Bankruptcy. Also see if the loans can be stretched out for a longer term.....I know that might sound crazy but it would take the stress off right now and you can pay more when you have it and still try to pay them off close to the original term

You will make it through....FH and I have a combined debt of over 250K due to student loans......so I would kill to have only 50K......There are always ways to get through the money situations you just cant panic and file bankruptcy.

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i agree. i told fh that no one should bail him out. i don't want to have him file for bankruptcy- trust me. i think it's stupid. i think when people screw up with money, they should pay for it themselves. i told fh how i felt and since i am fantastic with money, it's my decision.

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Posted by Future Mulligan

well what exactly kind of 'debt' does he have? if its credit card debt than thats just irresponsible - and for me that would be HUGE problem....someone not being able to manage their money SCARES me....

FH and I have 0 credit card debt

we do have debt though - my FH still has school loans to pay off and we own property in florida that we have about 10K left to pay off - but those are things that i don't really consider 'debt'....as far as that the only thing we owe on is our car payments - we lease....and one day soon we'll have a mortgage (i hope!)....

for me, and im being honest, i wouldnt marry someone who is bad with their money - and as sexist as it may sound, for me, i want my man to be the main provider - i feel like a good man will make good money, will make sacrifices for his family and will manage his money correctly....to me those are very admirable and desireable traits in a man and husband.....it wasnt until i dated a loser bum that i realized how important those things were to me....of course that doesnt mean i get to live on easy street i work and i make a decent living myself and we pretty much both manage our money and bills seperately even though we have been living together for 3 years already....

but anyway, this is important stuff - and his debt becomes your debt after the wedding....was this a secret from you? or did you know all along? maybe you can wait until he has everything paid off before getting married? maybe you can postpone? i totally can see where you are coming from, i would want to start on a clean slate....if not, the solution you came up with sounds like it could really work out - your FH just needs to get over $50 a week - seriously, do you know how much i live on a week? since we've had the wedding to pay for i pay for gas and thats IT for the week - i dont buy anything or do anything for myself - its called sacrifice - he needs to get over that....

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fh has 2 loans that were consolidated- and yes, some are cc debt amongst other stupid things.

my fh isn't bad with money now because he learned the hard way which is both good and bad. i think in todays society, it's not really feasable to have a man support you but if you have that luxury then that's great.

the debt wasn't a secret- i know that he had this issue but i didn't know how much. i had an idea it was about 20 thousand or so but after learning it's about 40 thousand, it's a bit intense. i can't postpone the wedding, it's literally in a couple of months.

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Posted by debzy

I don't want to scare you but this is something serious you have to work out BEFORE the wedding. The first thing you each have to do is be honest. Next, set up an appt with a financial planner. S/he will be able to go through all of your debt, expenses and income. And, the FP will be able to help lay out a budget you can stick to to repay all the debt. There's also the possibility of refinancing or consolidating certain loans to get a better interest rate.

The one thing you do not want to do is go into this marriage blind. Make sure you know what's going on and then YOU have to decide if this is worth taking on. It's possible to come out of a $40k debt, but it will take time, patience, and control on both of your parts. Make sure FH is willing to sacrifice to get back on track.

Just remember that after you're married, his debt becomes your debt. Both of you credit ratings can be damaged if he has access to your credit cards, for example. Just be very clear on what's going on and what you're getting into.

The bigger issue is that I wonder why he's kept this a secret from you for so long. Relationships, and especially marriage, are about honesty and trust. He needs to build that up again.

And finally, I understand why you're hiding your identity, but please don't be embarrassed. This is nothing you did wrong. Please keep us updated.

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i am fully aware that his debt will be mine when we marry. he already cut up his cards over 2 years ago and has been managing money better. honestly, he had an idea of what he had left to pay off but hasn't been keeping track. he is up front about most things and doesn't normally keep secrets. i think he was just disappointed with himself and didn't want me to yell at him which i can't blame him lol.

I have to tell you something....FH and I are in a lot of debt. We have both made stupid stupid decisions in the past and we have learned the error of our ways. We are going to be entering our marriage with a combined amount of about $19K in credit card debt. This does not include both our student loans and our car loans. This is scary. However, FH and I are know the mistakes that we both made and we are both working very hard to pay these things off and after the holidays and the wedding are over we can concentrate on paying more and more to our CC's to pay them off. I honestly don't know anyone that has no debt.

I think it is important to have a plan and to have a Budget. So maybe sit down and crunch the numbers. I think it is perfectly reasonable to live off $100 per week for expenses, groceries, gas not including bills, utilities and rent and/or mortgage. FH and I barely eat out. When we grocery shop we go for the month and spend about $160 approx. We stay home pretty much every night and just watch TV, cook dinner and do wedding related planning together!

I think you are right to be concerned but just know you are not alone. Money is the top reason for divorce in our country so just make sure that you have your ducks in a row and understand what is happening before you get married! I know you and your FH are meant to be and this is just a bump in the road. It will all work out.

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Posted by Jess and Jon

I dont really have an answer as I myself am not the best with money. However, its ok to be a frustrated and upset by this as I would be as well.

Just breathe and remember you guys are partners and you will figure out a way to make this work.

Have you spoken to any financial advisors?

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the best part is i am a financial advisor's assistant. so honestly, the budget i set up for him is something that i have ran for people in similar situations. i am just looking at this in two ways, one way is that we get married, i come into the relationship with a net worth of quite a bit- he not so much. we both still save and pay off debts. in a couple years when the debt is paid off, we will have a high net woth and no debt which in turn take half of our savings and put towards a house and be fine. the other option is take my savings and wedding money and pay off everything and have no net worth but will be able to save approx 40 thousand a year. i just don't know which option to pick. they both sound good.

If he has student loans (you mentioned consolidation), they won't be relieved by bankruptcy, he'll still have to pay them back.

I can't see how he could possibly need $150 to live - that seems a little ridiculous. But you could also ease up on the saving. A couple thousand a week is A LOT of money to save. Maybe you mean per month? Even then, you could probably drop it down slightly to make your budget a little more comfortable. It's good that you want to pay your bills and save money, but don't kill yourself and your relationship over it.

It might be a good idea to visit a financial counselor or a book on finances and paying off debt. If you find that his financial goals and responsibility level aren't the same as yours, you're looking at a lifetime of fights like this over and over again.

10 crashing - First off....I am so sorry you are going through this.

We had a similar situation, except I am the one with all the debt, not as much as you FH but still a lot. I was stupid and charged up a lot of credit cards. Fh was very very very angry with me when he found out.

This is what we did and I hope this helps you: First, we canceled all my cards, only keeping one with a small credit limit. Then through one of my credit cards, they recommended Money Managment International. We consoldiated all my debt and they were able lower my interest rates. Right now, every month they take X amount from my bank account and distribute it to the companies, I only have 2 cards left to pay and have made so much progress. Yea I do the occasional shopping but I'm trying. It was a big wake up call when we moved in together.

Fh keeps me on a tight budget....$10 a day for spending money. He watches it bc we want to buy a home and we can't do that if I am going to pi$$ my money away.

The one thign I would not do is file bankruptcy. Its the worst thing to do and it will seriously mess up your credit and will prevent you from owning a home for a long time (if your planning on buying) It takes years and years to come back from that.

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Posted by Depressed

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Posted by Jess and Jon

I dont really have an answer as I myself am not the best with money. However, its ok to be a frustrated and upset by this as I would be as well.

Just breathe and remember you guys are partners and you will figure out a way to make this work.

Have you spoken to any financial advisors?

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the best part is i am a financial advisor's assistant. so honestly, the budget i set up for him is something that i have ran for people in similar situations. i am just looking at this in two ways, one way is that we get married, i come into the relationship with a net worth of quite a bit- he not so much. we both still save and pay off debts. in a couple years when the debt is paid off, we will have a high net woth and no debt which in turn take half of our savings and put towards a house and be fine. the other option is take my savings and wedding money and pay off everything and have no net worth but will be able to save approx 40 thousand a year. i just don't know which option to pick. they both sound good.

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I say go with the second option. The sooner you are out of the debt the better. Then you can save for a house! You would probably be able to afford a house sooner if you pay off the debt because then all that money you would paying per month towards bills can go directly into a high interest savings. Just my opinion hun!!