please read.

I guess I can see the other side of the coin. When FH and I get married I will be bringing close to $80K in debt with me. However, most of that is school loans (I will have my PhD a few months before we get married). I know it is a scary thing for my FH because he has really never been in debt (except for my e-ring which he just finished paying off, and I think it drove him insane knowing he had that debt).
When we do get married I don't expect FH to take responsibility for the debt I incurred. However, I know it will affect our ability to buy a house right away and such. But FH and I understand this, have discussed it and agreed on what we will do. You and your FH need to sit down and discuss this NOW. Although he may think that it isn't your business or won't affect you, once you are married it will.

I've been there done that with the debt thing and so has FH. It was before we met, and I just finished paying my debt off. It was hard but it is manageable.

On the bright side, it taught us both to be very responsible with our spending and combined we now have 0 debt!

Your option to take the savings and wedding money and pay off the debt and then save as much as you can for a year sounds like the best option. That's what I ended up doing and it was fantastic. Remember, the law of compounding interest is also the law of compounding debt! Pay it off and then pay yourself back. You won't regret it.

Being 100% debt free and having no monthly expenses except living expenses is allowing FH and I to pay cash for our entire wedding and still look for a house. Each pay day, we split up the house fund and the wedding fund. Having no more debt fund is the best feeling in the world and you will get there! Keep the faith!

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Posted by Jsquared279

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Posted by Depressed

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Posted by Jess and Jon

I dont really have an answer as I myself am not the best with money. However, its ok to be a frustrated and upset by this as I would be as well.

Just breathe and remember you guys are partners and you will figure out a way to make this work.

Have you spoken to any financial advisors?

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the best part is i am a financial advisor's assistant. so honestly, the budget i set up for him is something that i have ran for people in similar situations. i am just looking at this in two ways, one way is that we get married, i come into the relationship with a net worth of quite a bit- he not so much. we both still save and pay off debts. in a couple years when the debt is paid off, we will have a high net woth and no debt which in turn take half of our savings and put towards a house and be fine. the other option is take my savings and wedding money and pay off everything and have no net worth but will be able to save approx 40 thousand a year. i just don't know which option to pick. they both sound good.

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I say go with the second option. The sooner you are out of the debt the better. Then you can save for a house! You would probably be able to afford a house sooner if you pay off the debt because then all that money you would paying per month towards bills can go directly into a high interest savings. Just my opinion hun!!

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I think you should go with the second option as well. FH and I are doing that, we are going to take my savings and the wedding money and pay off ALOT and then start from scratch!

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Posted by lauraandrob2009

I hope this doesn't upset you to say this because I know it can be a very sensitive subject but I would also look into getting a prenup. I know it sounds awful and you are in love etc. Me too. But I'm going into my marriage in really good financial shape and my FH is in the midst of paying off debt he has. His isn't so high but I just want to protect my assets in case God forbid something happened. The way I'm doing it is to have it as part of an overall plan...a will (that he's the beneficiary off) but if we were to break up a prenup to both leave with what we had in the beginning. I agree with the other ladies - try everything else but bankruptcy. That shouldn't even be an option. Definitely something you need to work out before the wedding. If it were stuff like student loans, that's one thing but if there are spending problems, that needs to be dealt with right away. Good luck with everything and sorry you are having to deal with this.

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yea i would suggest a prenup too in your case... it's not only for divorce but in the event of death(knock on wood) you end up assuming all his debt... and that is the last thing you want to do...and maybe just keep your finances separate until after all his debts are paid when both of you are on equal contribution footing

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Posted by egem523

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Posted by Depressed

thx for reading and your response.

fh has been buying cars and stupid stuff ever since he was about 18. he learned the hard way and has been trying to pay this stuff off since about 5 years ago. if we stick to the plan, the debt will be paid off in 3-4 years. we actually considered using my savings to pay off my car loan and then the wedding money to pay off his debt but honestly i don't want to go down that route.

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Another option maybe you can consider is with your wedding money open savings and take a secured personal loan it. You won't be able to use your wedding money until the loan is paid off but atleast you would gaining interest.

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that sounds like a good idea, i will keep that in mind.

i have thought of the prenup. i don't know what he will say if i mentioned that.

also, another thing- his car is on its way out. which means he will either have to buy a crappy car or i give him mine which is only a couple of years old with 20 thousand miles on it and i buy a new one. i swear, this never ends.

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Posted by Depressed

i have thought of the prenup. i don't know what he will say if i mentioned that.

also, another thing- his car is on its way out. which means he will either have to buy a crappy car or i give him mine which is only a couple of years old with 20 thousand miles on it and i buy a new one. i swear, this never ends.

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i think he should understand...a very wise person once told me that if i wanted to protect my spouse in case something happens i would get a prenup because if i die accidentally ( a will, will NOT protect you against this), he has to pay back all my student loans and mortgage etc which is a huge burden...so maybe you can look into more of it before you present your case to your FH :)... you're not insuring your marriage, you're protecting your loved one really...which makes the whole idea a lot better IMO

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Posted by christophersgirl

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Posted by Depressed

i have thought of the prenup. i don't know what he will say if i mentioned that.

also, another thing- his car is on its way out. which means he will either have to buy a crappy car or i give him mine which is only a couple of years old with 20 thousand miles on it and i buy a new one. i swear, this never ends.

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i think he should understand...a very wise person once told me that if i wanted to protect my spouse in case something happens i would get a prenup because if i die accidentally ( a will, will NOT protect you against this), he has to pay back all my student loans and mortgage etc which is a huge burden...so maybe you can look into more of it before you present your case to your FH :)... you're not insuring your marriage, you're protecting your loved one really...which makes the whole idea a lot better IMO

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doesn't it cost a ton of money to get a prenup?

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Posted by Depressed

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Posted by christophersgirl

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Posted by Depressed

i have thought of the prenup. i don't know what he will say if i mentioned that.

also, another thing- his car is on its way out. which means he will either have to buy a crappy car or i give him mine which is only a couple of years old with 20 thousand miles on it and i buy a new one. i swear, this never ends.

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i think he should understand...a very wise person once told me that if i wanted to protect my spouse in case something happens i would get a prenup because if i die accidentally ( a will, will NOT protect you against this), he has to pay back all my student loans and mortgage etc which is a huge burden...so maybe you can look into more of it before you present your case to your FH :)... you're not insuring your marriage, you're protecting your loved one really...which makes the whole idea a lot better IMO

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doesn't it cost a ton of money to get a prenup?

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i wouldnt think so, it's a standard agreement i thought so your regular family lawyer should be able to draw one up for you with no fuss, shouldnt be more than a few hundred dollars to protect you against tens of thousands of dollars...

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Posted by christophersgirl

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Posted by Depressed

i have thought of the prenup. i don't know what he will say if i mentioned that.

also, another thing- his car is on its way out. which means he will either have to buy a crappy car or i give him mine which is only a couple of years old with 20 thousand miles on it and i buy a new one. i swear, this never ends.

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i think he should understand...a very wise person once told me that if i wanted to protect my spouse in case something happens i would get a prenup because if i die accidentally ( a will, will NOT protect you against this), he has to pay back all my student loans and mortgage etc which is a huge burden...so maybe you can look into more of it before you present your case to your FH :)... you're not insuring your marriage, you're protecting your loved one really...which makes the whole idea a lot better IMO

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I may be wrong, but as long as your spouse does not co-sign on to your (student) loan, if god forbid, u die, they are not responsible.

I have substantial debt- not CC debit at all, but just student loans for my DVM. They are my responsibility and I pay them off every month on my own. my Fh says my debt is our debt, which is very cool, but I do not expect him to contribute.

It sounds like you have a plan- i have debated paying off much of my debt right now, but that would deplete ym savings. look at your interestt rates vs high yield savings. credit card debt is the worst due to the interest- maybe he can call his CC companies and see if they can lower his rate?

I know your wedding is close- is there anything you could decrease to save some money?

I think you are dealing very well with this and you guys need to have a serious plan (maybe have him sign something-make it real) before you get married.

Good Luck!

first off Im sorry that you just found out this way. I was in a similary situation. I acutually have loans for my MBA and some credit debt - like 10k total wtih the loan. So FH knew this and he told me that he has debt too and we started talking about it and he was scared to tell me that he was in debt too. Like scared I would be mad at him, so he finally told me and with his student loan credit debt its like 30k ... so 40k. I told him not to worry and we would pay it off together. He is being super good though. Saving hardcore now and really paying if off as much as he can. He wants to come into the marrigae with like 20-25k instead of 30k. I told him that after the marriage, we would just use the wedding money to pay it off and then it will be alot easier for us to save money when we dont have any other bills to pay except rent and utilites.

HTH

Ok i am not going to put your FH down, you need advice not hearing him being bad mouthed, youre going through enough already.

Listen, these things happen. I don't know what his debt is or how long ago its from. Some were irresponsible with money when they were younger, learned their lesson and thats it. Everyone makes stupid mistakes when you're young whether its with money or other things. When I was 19-21 I had about 8-12 credit cards and maxed them out. Then at 22-23 i closed every single credit card and to this day have not gotten another credit card. I only kept my macy's and bloomingdales cards and rarely use those and whenever i get the bill after i purchased something i pay it all off. That was then and this is now. Now i dont even want CC's, i don't think its worth it to pay interest on everything I buy. I am great at saving and very responsible now with money. I don't care to be judged for what I did years ago, sorry but nobody is perfect and now I can do a better job at managing money than those that would criticize those decisions I made many years ago. He already seems to be doing the responsible thing, he consolidated his debt which was smart and has a plan that shows how long it will take to pay it all off and is now paying off all his debt.

Are you comfortable taking some of the money you will receive at the wedding and putting it towards paying off debt? If so then that would be a great option, this way you will have more than $100 a week to live off of since you would pay a big chunk of the debt at once.

I don't think that you shouldn't marry bc of this. Everyone is human and everyone has their flaws and as long as they learned their mistakes then that is what matters, if he still hasn't learned from his mistakes then I would seek some help from him and see that he changes but i think he learned his lesson from what you say. And marriage is about taking the good with the bad, and we all have bad traits, don't care if others think they are perfect and have none bc that is BS.

I also don't look at my marriage as a man taking care of me, i see it as an equal partnership. I want to be able to handle my own things just as well as he does and give to the relationship just as much as he does. Sorry but in life you NEVER know what can happen. There are women who stay in bad marriages just bc they can't get out and are too dependant on their husbands. My mom separated from my dad after 23 or 24 years, i am sure she didnt expect that to happen. But my mom was very independent when it came to money. She made good money and didn't have to depend on my dad, infact she got him out of trouble a few times money wise. So when she wanted to get out thats exactly what she did and was able to do so easily. She made enough to support herself. Or maybe not always divorce, but one day i saw on the oprah show this one woman who depended on her husband, it was mostly his money they used for mortgage payments, all bills and even materialistic things. He passed away and then all of a sudden she couldn't make the mortgage payments or other bills, was in a bad financial situation. She thought she would get money from insurance but she didn't, you never know what can happen. Now she had to sell the place bc she couldn't afford it anymore and was left with so much debt she had to pay off and desperately needed help.

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Posted by christophersgirl

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Posted by Depressed

i have thought of the prenup. i don't know what he will say if i mentioned that.

also, another thing- his car is on its way out. which means he will either have to buy a crappy car or i give him mine which is only a couple of years old with 20 thousand miles on it and i buy a new one. i swear, this never ends.

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i think he should understand...a very wise person once told me that if i wanted to protect my spouse in case something happens i would get a prenup because if i die accidentally ( a will, will NOT protect you against this), he has to pay back all my student loans and mortgage etc which is a huge burden...so maybe you can look into more of it before you present your case to your FH :)... you're not insuring your marriage, you're protecting your loved one really...which makes the whole idea a lot better IMO

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Actually, my friend's mother just passed and she had tons of debt and her husband did not iherit that. The lawyer said that if if was in her name only then nobody is responsible to pay it back once that person dies and the creditors take the loss. Of course they dont want to lose all that money, so they harass the partners to pay it and most poeple do because they dont know better, but you dont have to pay it back unless its also in your name. Being married doenst make you responsible to pay it back

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and totally understand that you are scared and worried. My FH used to be in debt also - about $20K. We started dating when we were 18 and were together for 9 yrs before gettting engaged. I told him numerous times that I didn't want to get engaged until he cleared all of his debt (thankfully he did). I know the am I am and wouldn't want to worry and am a scaredy cat.. Did you guys ever consider debt consolidation - it helped him alot.

Maybe you guys should sit down and decide where it is you guys can cut down costs and also where you guys are willing to sacrifice.

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Posted by CMBove

I may be wrong, but as long as your spouse does not co-sign on to your (student) loan, if god forbid, u die, they are not responsible.

I have substantial debt- not CC debit at all, but just student loans for my DVM. They are my responsibility and I pay them off every month on my own. my Fh says my debt is our debt, which is very cool, but I do not expect him to contribute.

It sounds like you have a plan- i have debated paying off much of my debt right now, but that would deplete ym savings. look at your interestt rates vs high yield savings. credit card debt is the worst due to the interest- maybe he can call his CC companies and see if they can lower his rate?

I know your wedding is close- is there anything you could decrease to save some money?

I think you are dealing very well with this and you guys need to have a serious plan (maybe have him sign something-make it real) before you get married.

Good Luck!

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his debt is already consolidated- no more CC debt- now just a big loan. he has a fairly good interest rate.

as far as what we save- we save already pretty well. we are just looking at the big picture and seeing that while we are saving this much, we could be saving more if there was no debt so that's why we are both upset in addition to wedding stresses and job stresses.

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Posted by littlepixie12

first off Im sorry that you just found out this way. I was in a similary situation. I acutually have loans for my MBA and some credit debt - like 10k total wtih the loan. So FH knew this and he told me that he has debt too and we started talking about it and he was scared to tell me that he was in debt too. Like scared I would be mad at him, so he finally told me and with his student loan credit debt its like 30k ... so 40k. I told him not to worry and we would pay it off together. He is being super good though. Saving hardcore now and really paying if off as much as he can. He wants to come into the marrigae with like 20-25k instead of 30k. I told him that after the marriage, we would just use the wedding money to pay it off and then it will be alot easier for us to save money when we dont have any other bills to pay except rent and utilites.

HTH

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you are pretty much like us. you are making me realize this isn't as bad as i think it is. you have a good plan so that is good.

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Posted by littlepixie12

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Actually, my friend's mother just passed and she had tons of debt and her husband did not iherit that. The lawyer said that if if was in her name only then nobody is responsible to pay it back once that person dies and the creditors take the loss. Of course they dont want to lose all that money, so they harass the partners to pay it and most poeple do because they dont know better, but you dont have to pay it back unless its also in your name. Being married doenst make you responsible to pay it back

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thats good to know! i had no idea!!! thanks!

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Posted by Depressed

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Posted by littlepixie12

first off Im sorry that you just found out this way. I was in a similary situation. I acutually have loans for my MBA and some credit debt - like 10k total wtih the loan. So FH knew this and he told me that he has debt too and we started talking about it and he was scared to tell me that he was in debt too. Like scared I would be mad at him, so he finally told me and with his student loan credit debt its like 30k ... so 40k. I told him not to worry and we would pay it off together. He is being super good though. Saving hardcore now and really paying if off as much as he can. He wants to come into the marrigae with like 20-25k instead of 30k. I told him that after the marriage, we would just use the wedding money to pay it off and then it will be alot easier for us to save money when we dont have any other bills to pay except rent and utilites.

HTH

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you are pretty much like us. you are making me realize this isn't as bad as i think it is. you have a good plan so that is good.

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Yeah its not uncommon ... everyone was young and stupid once and used ccs to pay for everything! As long as he doesnt do that know and learns to be more responsible, he should be fine. These things happens to eveyone. Its so easy to get into cc debt and nobody tells you about that when you apply for the card.