please read sorry so long

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Posted by FuTuRe MrS MaZz

I think one fo the first things that jumped out at me is that you tried forcing him to talk when he just didnt want to at the time... I think thats why everything escalated the way it did... Fh does this to me all the time so i know firsthand how much i get aggravated when im forced to pursue an issue

people can say and do alot of mean things when they are heated... we all do... it def does hurt when you are on the receiving end of it though.. as someone has said already, sometimes its that harshness that finally gets ones butt into action... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt... but in your case, i think the therapy is a wonderful idea .... i also think that working on your communication with FH is also key here... even if you have to do some self-help books together... they work if both partners are committed to the change!

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I agree, I think he just said that because he was angry. It doesn't make it right what he did but i don't think he meant it. I think he was so angry that you grabbed his face that he just wanted to hurt you back and that was how he knew how to do it. He also probably thought that by saying he doesnt know if he loves you, was his way to show you that things arent going well and he is not happy with some things and this would help to get you to realize this. He went about it the wrong way, but when youre mad people dont always do the right thing. The same way you grabbed his face because you were mad and didn't think about it before.

Everybody handles situations differently. Some know how to step back put anger aside and communicate nicely. Others get angry and they will yell, say things they dont mean. Theres also people who want to be alone and deal with it later. I know it aggrevates you but sometimes its best to say ok just let it sink in and when you calm down lets talk about it. Sometimes when im very angry with DH, i tell him to just leave me alone and i will talk to him in a little bit. Since the beginning of our relationship he HATED this. But he didnt understand that in my past relationships when i talked about things in the heat of the moment i would flip out say horrible things and it would just turn into this huge fight, and this time i wanted to do things differently. So i would wait until i calmed down and was able to things through in a rational way and then talk to him. Sometimes its just a few minutes but i just had to calm down first. Thats also something that you can do, bc the same way you would HATE if he grabbed you that way, he didnt like that at all either.

I would sit down with him, start off by saying that youre sorry you reacted the way you did and it was wrong. Say you do have things you want to talk about it but it was the wrong way to approach it. Ask him when he wants to talk about things and say you really dont want to fight but lets get things out in the open to try and make things better. Maybe go out to dinner and talk it over or even go for a walk somewhere and talk nicely. Put your feelings all out in the open. Also dont forget to look at his side of things too, dont just say ' i hate this and i hate when you do that' dont put it all on him bc thats when he will go into defense mode and the conversation will turn ugly. Say that you know you are not perfect either and have things to work on and tell him to be honest about these things and what bothers him. Once you two get all this out and BOTH have to see your own faults in it, dont make it into an attack game and become defensive. Listen to what he has to say too, and when hes right then agree with him that you realize its wrong when you do something that bothers him, instead of saying 'well i do it because of x reason' or 'how about you, you think youre perfect, what about when you do this' Its about working on the problems and finding solutions and communicating, its not a battle between the two of you and its not a competition about who is right more times than the other, bc honestly even if youre right 100% of the time, do you really win? you dont at all, so what if youre right in one situation, your relationship is still suffering and you dont win at all.

Once you two can sit down and talk about everything in a polite manner, you can move forward in your relationship by fixing some of the problems. Also be prepared to hear the things you do wrong, ive had to do this and it can be hard but it was best when i realized what i was doing wrong and able to fix it.

Its great that you are willing to get help. But i think that maybe you two should do it together and work on your communication.

Grief is a crazy thing. It can hit you hard. My mom died two years ago and I am only starting to feel like myself now. But I didn't realize how off I was then- I felt like I was ok- but I wasn't.

Therapy is a great thing.

I think the best thing you can do is focus on you for awhile. Give him a little bit of space- I know that it is hard. But if you suffocate him, he will back away more.

Also, my FH always says that I am very negative. I was raised to be. So to help monitor myself I bought a notebook. I open it and have one side of the notebook page says 'Happy' and the other side say 'Cranky.' I write down all of my thoughts throughout the day to keep track of which types of thoughts I am having. If cranky is all filled up and not happy- I am being too negative.

Never underestimate the power of hormones. Also I would look into making sure you are not imbalanced. I have VERY severe PMS sometimes- you'd think I was psycho.

HTH! Please FM if you need to talk! I have a lot of great books on grief that might help you.

Awwwww I Hope everything works out for you! Seeing someone is a step in the right direction. Besides your grandma's death has anything else changed? are you on any new meds?
I found out that my BC pill made me such a different person. I was depressed, unmotivated, and just not happy and it reflected to the people around me.


I hope it helps to hear that others have gone through similar situations

GL
's for you

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all of this.
It is great that you decided to go talk to someone. Grief is a very tough emotion but it needs to be dealt with because as hard as it is life does go on. I think you need to focus on you for a little. It is definately a step in the right direction that you admit you may be a different person then you once were - but people do change because life events change them. So you need to find a balance between the old you and the current you.

I think it might be helpful if you both go to counseling at some point too to work out better methods of communication. moving forward you need to feel like FH will be there for you through thick and thin and not just walk out on you. FH and I went through a rough patch last year and he told me that he loved me but didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. It was one of the hardest things in the world to hear but we made it through. We had some time apart and both worked out our feelings. I do think that FH loves you but like someone said he may have just said in the heat of hte moment. BUT i think you need to talk about this otherwise this will continue to float around your head -- I Know for a fact . You need to express all of your feelings - maybe a controlled environment where he give all of his attention would be best. Tell him you know you need to talk to someone on your own but feel if you both go as well it might help.
FM if you ever need to talk and best of luck to you.

Honestly, FH and I have had some bad fights as well with alot of the same things that were said to you have been said to me as well. I think sometimes when people get really pissed they say things they don't mean. He probably just said it at the heat of the moment and his anger got the best of him. It doesn't make it right, bc now you feel even worse and have your doubts. Take things slowly and work on you. I'm sure going to therapy will help you sort out your feelings. I hope things work out for you. Sorry you are going through this, it's a terrible feeling. Keep your head up girlie!!!

Im sorry this is happening to you.

But I will say this much, I was in the same situation as you with my FH about a year ago.

They like to say things that you need therapy or you're an emotional mess (that was one I heard all the time)-talking to someone will help, but I will assure you, time will make things better....trust me. I think right now you feel alone and you probably cant even tell your fh how you feel for fear that he might think you're in a bad emotional state making YOU think that HE thinks youre insecure about everything.. But believe me when I say it, things will get better. I went through it, and my FH was standoffish for a while and it ended up being that BOTH of us were in a bad place in life and didnt know how to express ourselves.

Marriage is about 'for better or for worse'. I think that FH should really think about this, especially at a time like this.

You should definitely look into therapy (you can FM me for more questions). I have been in & out of therapy for many years due to anxiety and all I can say is that your significant other should be HELPING you, not making you feel isolated or 'different' because of the way you are feeling.

And losing a loved one is a HUGE deal. Perhaps you need to properly grieve for your grandmother if you feel like you haven't.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but you WILL get through this and as cliche as this is, remember

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

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Posted by Aristotelina

Marriage is about 'for better or for worse'. I think that FH should really think about this, especially at a time like this.

You should definitely look into therapy (you can FM me for more questions). I have been in & out of therapy for many years due to anxiety and all I can say is that your significant other should be HELPING you, not making you feel isolated or 'different' because of the way you are feeling.

And losing a loved one is a HUGE deal. Perhaps you need to properly grieve for your grandmother if you feel like you haven't.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but you WILL get through this and as cliche as this is, remember

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

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Very well said.