please read sorry so long
i am a frequent poster here on the boards. i wanted to keep this confidential and not give up who i really am because i am embarassed of my situation. i can't tell anyone else of my problem so the first place to start is on here with my fellow bride to bes.
fh and i have been having a lot of problems. since we got engaged it has been quite an experience both good and bad. the worst has happened this past tuesday night. we got into a fight because i wanted to discuss some issues with him. he kept saying he didn't want to talk about it and for me to leave him alone. but i felt that i was hurting and the only way to make it better was to talk about it. then he said fine talk. i began to tell him all the things that were bothering me. plus it didn't help that i was pms'ing like crazy. the only thing that made me crazy was that he left the tv on and kept focusing on the tv while i was telling him the situation. so i said please shut the tv off, you are being rude. he said i am leaving this on. i flipped and grabbed his face and said shut the f ucking tv off! he was shocked that i did that. he said if i wasn't a girl he would have hit me right then and there. it got so out of hand that i was crying and walked out of his room. his mom was sitting in the kitchen watching tv and she asked what was wrong and told me to talk to her. i didn't want to because i never want to involve his mother in our problems but it was the only way i could get it off my chest. so here i am crying hysterical and telling her everything. so i felt kind of ok and fh was still in his room. he had locked his door and didnt want me to come in. he yelled we are done! he goes I want nothing to do with you. so of course i am all upset. i tried for an hour to talk to him. he ran out of his room and i ran after him to try and talk to him. he hopped in his car and sped off. i was left there in hysterics and didn't know what to do. i went back inside and went into his room and started to smoke some cigs to calm me down. he came back and said get out. i said no we have to talk please. so i am puffing on my cig and he said to me we are done. i said do you love me and he said right now no. i was so hurt because no matter what i would never say that to someone i love. so i told him everything and mentioned how depressed i was. he told me seriously the only way this is going to work is if you get therapy and then we will talk. i was cying so much. in the past when i would cry he would always be so quick to come over and comfort me. he didn't do that this time. it made me feel like this is the end. i went home that night and he walked me out. this was the first time in many years where he didn't tell me he loved me and didn't even hug me goodnight. that was the most hurtful thing. i felt like he hated me. so i went to sleep.
i woke up the next morning and it was 6:20am. i called him and told him that i hated waking up and not knowing what was going to happen. i sobbed and told him that i loved him so much and all his faults were accepted by me. i asked him if he loved me and he said he didn't know at that moment. of course i sob more. it was so painful to hear that from the person i loved and the one i would soon marry. he told me listen we will talk later. i will come see you after work. and he did. we talked about everything. he said i think you need to see someone- you are not the same anymore. and maybe i am not. my grandma died the 2nd day of our relationship. she helped raised me and ever since then i feel like i lost a big part of myself and things have not been the same. i have been a different person since then and it has been real hard coping with my grandmas death. i told him i made an appointment to see someone on monday. i will be seeing a shrink to talk about my problems and he was happy to hear that. even though we talked about our problems and are going forward with this wedding, i am scared. i am scared that i may blow this last chance and may not make it. however, i want it to work. but he is putting this all on me. and i am afraid that i may break and that this wedding may not happen. he keeps telling me i love you so much but i need the old you back. and he's right. i am a different person. i am sad, depressed and miserable. i want to be happy. i am not sad because of him- he makes me happy. it's just inside, i feel like i am going to break. i just hope we can make it and get through these few months and through the rest of our lives together. now things are good but i am still hurt because of him saying he didn't know he loved me. why would someone say that and then say a few hours later that he did. that's something that doesn't come out of nowhere. i used to be secure in the fact that i knew he loved me and that i could trust him. now i am not so sure. i think i am going to question this over and over again.
sorry this was so long. i needed to vent. i appreciate any opinions you may have. thanks for reading.
fh and i have been having a lot of problems. since we got engaged it has been quite an experience both good and bad. the worst has happened this past tuesday night. we got into a fight because i wanted to discuss some issues with him. he kept saying he didn't want to talk about it and for me to leave him alone. but i felt that i was hurting and the only way to make it better was to talk about it. then he said fine talk. i began to tell him all the things that were bothering me. plus it didn't help that i was pms'ing like crazy. the only thing that made me crazy was that he left the tv on and kept focusing on the tv while i was telling him the situation. so i said please shut the tv off, you are being rude. he said i am leaving this on. i flipped and grabbed his face and said shut the f ucking tv off! he was shocked that i did that. he said if i wasn't a girl he would have hit me right then and there. it got so out of hand that i was crying and walked out of his room. his mom was sitting in the kitchen watching tv and she asked what was wrong and told me to talk to her. i didn't want to because i never want to involve his mother in our problems but it was the only way i could get it off my chest. so here i am crying hysterical and telling her everything. so i felt kind of ok and fh was still in his room. he had locked his door and didnt want me to come in. he yelled we are done! he goes I want nothing to do with you. so of course i am all upset. i tried for an hour to talk to him. he ran out of his room and i ran after him to try and talk to him. he hopped in his car and sped off. i was left there in hysterics and didn't know what to do. i went back inside and went into his room and started to smoke some cigs to calm me down. he came back and said get out. i said no we have to talk please. so i am puffing on my cig and he said to me we are done. i said do you love me and he said right now no. i was so hurt because no matter what i would never say that to someone i love. so i told him everything and mentioned how depressed i was. he told me seriously the only way this is going to work is if you get therapy and then we will talk. i was cying so much. in the past when i would cry he would always be so quick to come over and comfort me. he didn't do that this time. it made me feel like this is the end. i went home that night and he walked me out. this was the first time in many years where he didn't tell me he loved me and didn't even hug me goodnight. that was the most hurtful thing. i felt like he hated me. so i went to sleep.
i woke up the next morning and it was 6:20am. i called him and told him that i hated waking up and not knowing what was going to happen. i sobbed and told him that i loved him so much and all his faults were accepted by me. i asked him if he loved me and he said he didn't know at that moment. of course i sob more. it was so painful to hear that from the person i loved and the one i would soon marry. he told me listen we will talk later. i will come see you after work. and he did. we talked about everything. he said i think you need to see someone- you are not the same anymore. and maybe i am not. my grandma died the 2nd day of our relationship. she helped raised me and ever since then i feel like i lost a big part of myself and things have not been the same. i have been a different person since then and it has been real hard coping with my grandmas death. i told him i made an appointment to see someone on monday. i will be seeing a shrink to talk about my problems and he was happy to hear that. even though we talked about our problems and are going forward with this wedding, i am scared. i am scared that i may blow this last chance and may not make it. however, i want it to work. but he is putting this all on me. and i am afraid that i may break and that this wedding may not happen. he keeps telling me i love you so much but i need the old you back. and he's right. i am a different person. i am sad, depressed and miserable. i want to be happy. i am not sad because of him- he makes me happy. it's just inside, i feel like i am going to break. i just hope we can make it and get through these few months and through the rest of our lives together. now things are good but i am still hurt because of him saying he didn't know he loved me. why would someone say that and then say a few hours later that he did. that's something that doesn't come out of nowhere. i used to be secure in the fact that i knew he loved me and that i could trust him. now i am not so sure. i think i am going to question this over and over again.
sorry this was so long. i needed to vent. i appreciate any opinions you may have. thanks for reading.
