Post-A-Joke

Just to lighten up the boards, lets post some jokes...



Subject: Good Advice
> >Bet you can't resist forwarding this ONE!!!! I couldn't.

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it
apart to remove the sports section

Buy a dog.


If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy
of seeing you

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and
neversays its not quite as good as his mother made it

Buy a dog.


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long
and
wherever you want

Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a ****
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies


Buy a dog.


If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm
your
feet and whom you can push off if he snores

Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you
are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word
you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you
unconditionally, perpetually

Buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you
call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the
place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to
eat
and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his
happiness.



Then my friend,..............Buy a cat!


(You thought I was talking about men didn't you!)

I'll have to wait till FH gets home---he knows soo many jokes. Me, I forget the punchlines all the time

Yes! I did think you were talking about men!LOL!

Thought that was cute... Ok!!! Your turn!

I got one

WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????



A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE G.E. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS.

HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

Love it!!!

Here's another one



WHY WE LOVE KIDS

================



NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm

summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead

of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I

was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old

shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't

wearing a seat belt!'



MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself

in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the

room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels

and running for cover. The little boy watched in

amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter haven't

you ever seen a little boy before?'



POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the

station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,

and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back

there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me

and then the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'



ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly

shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,

particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her

staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself

for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and

whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'



DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister

heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small

box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal

of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate

prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought

his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn

..... and into the hole he gooooes.'



SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.

'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'



BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was

fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked

up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an

old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found', the boy called out.

' What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in

the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's

underwear!'

I think I may have already posted this one Darn preggo brain

And another

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, 'Sir, what's that on your shoulder?'

The old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chucky.

Wherever I go, Chucky goes.'

'I'm sorry, sir,' said the ticket agent.

'We can't allow animals in the theater.'

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.

He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.

The old farmer Unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and
watch the movie.

'Marge,' whispered Mildred.

'What?' said Marge.

'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.'

'What makes you think so?' asked Marge.

'He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,' whispered Mildred.

'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'At our age we've seen 'em all.'

'That's what I thought, too,' said Mildred,'but this one's eating my
popcorn!'

Very very cute! I am still smiling...

!!!MORE MORE MORE!!!

OK here you go



DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

and yet again

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2020, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection
of what to do with them.

Hope it's not too offense...
The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to 7 times its
normal size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
'You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she
said to those around her, Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
'Anybody?'
Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Kevin,' then turned to Mary and
continued, 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework ; and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

one more

A woman was in a Supermarket check out line
> with a Quart of milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of
> orange juice, and a lb. package of bacon. As
> she was unloading her items on the conveyor
> belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her
> watched as she placed the items in front of the
> cashier. He said, 'You must be single.'
>
> The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the
> derelict's intuition, looked at her four items
> on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly
> unusual about her selections she said, 'Well,
> you know what, you're absolutely right. But how
> on earth did you know that?'
>
>
The drunk said,

'Cause you're ugly.'

I really did lol with that one!!!

Me too! I wasn't expecting that answer.

One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find
that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee!
Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life.
When she finished, she found three little green
Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, 'Honey,
what are these Army men doing in my coffee?'
Her grandson answered, 'Like is says on TV,
Grandma -- 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.''