posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

figment 107 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 01:36 PM

posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

My parents think FILs are cheap, rude, and fake. FH's parents think mine are cold, rude, and fake. They are all caught in this immatrue cycle of s/he-was-a-*****-so-i'm-going-to-retaliate and it's driving FH and I nuts. Individually, they're all good people who appear to want to give us whatever we want and need. But they can't work together without something stupid being said and blown out of proportion. Then FH and I hear about it and fight with each other. I can't take it any more. I'm having a lot of second thoughts about the wedding b/c all everyone does is fight.

We can't talk to both sets at once, b/c his are out of state. And mine will see it as an attack if we meet seperately.

Can FH and I fix this? Should we get involved? If yes, how? Please help....

Thanks.

JulyBride728 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 01:44 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

awww..I def. think you guys should get involved. When all is said and done, you guys have to remind ur parents this is YOU and FH's day, NOT theirs! They should put your feelings and opinions first and ask you guys what the 2 of you think, and then make a decision that way.
Tell them how the arguing is making you feel and let them know that this bicker is making you guys not want to do a wedding at all, and if it continues, the 2 of you will most likely cancel.

2007 Crescent Bride Posted: Mar 24, 2008 01:44 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

I am sorry you have to deal with this. That *****!!!! You and FH need to talk with each set of parents. Tell them you love them and know they are not doing this purposely but they are ruining your wedding!!!! And they need to STOP

2007 Crescent Bride Posted: Mar 24, 2008 01:45 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

Duplicate post

ChristineAaron08 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 01:48 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

First- they shouldnt be dragging you into it if its their issues. FH and I learned a while ago (and are stil learning) that its not right to fight about and say things about each others families. It will never turn out good.

They are putting you two right smack in the middle and its not right at all.

I would tell them, that you two arent getting involved and they need to be the adults and talk it out. There is no reason to get them together- they both have telephones.

Just b/c they dont get along, doesnt mean you have to call off your wedding- they have to come to terms and deal for your sake.

GL

MikeandJess Posted: Mar 24, 2008 01:53 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

that ***** but I wouldn't cancel your wedding because of it. Right now because you're wedding planning it's going to seem like a huge deal but in the long run, there is no rule that says your parents must get along with the IL's. My parents and FH's parents are very different, but they don't fight, they just simply don't speak. I know they will NEVER have a relationship and as much as I'd like them to, it's not going to happen. After the wedding, there is no reason for them to need to contact each other.

madseason Posted: Mar 24, 2008 01:56 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

You have been posting often under this name with the same problems with the parents and inlaws.

They are adults, and you and FH are adults.

They dont get along - its established and needs to be accepted.

Stop listening. If they start to talk about it, go in another room - you have a choice not to listen and not to fight abut it with FH. If you choose to listen you are going to fight.

You cant fix this - its not your job!!!!! stop that thought immediatley!!! You arent their parent by any means - you are not a referee - and you will distroy your self and your relationship guaranteed if you try. It took me many years of therapy the hard way to understand what i am telling you. Stay out of this. THey are adults and can handle it - its fine if they dont get along - but you cant make them get along or push something that isnt there. THeyll work it out on their own. Go worry about you and FH and building a life and a marriage together, and hit the mute button when coming within an ear shot of them. Itll benefit you inthe long run making those types of decisions in this situation. You dont have a place in it - and that should give you some relief - youre a bride and there is a lot more that is going to need your attention.

MrsK2008 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 02:12 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

I think you 2 should get involved with everyone together.

You need to tell them to let you both have your say and to listen.

You should tell both sets of parents how their behavior, directly and indirectky affects you and that it is taking a toll on both of you.

Do not give examples about what you mean, it will only fuel the fire.

Tell them they have to end it because it is making you second guess your marriage.

If they don't step back, tell them they will be excluded.

This has to be handled.

I am so sorry this is what you have to deal with, it is so unfair.

Best of luck to you!

figment 107 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 02:23 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

I post under this name b/c I have lurkers... I don't want to post about FIL issues under my usual user name. Our relationships are problematic enough; talking about them on the internet is only going to tick them off.

Ray8183 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 02:51 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

I understand, but don't let it make you second guess your life with FH.

Butterfly123 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 02:55 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

I think its terrible that theyre pulling you and FH into their mess when you guys should be doing nothing but enjoying the fact that youre getting married. It baffles me when the people closest to us cant put their pride aside for a while to make us happy. They are being so childish and you and FH cant allow yourselves to be pulled in anymore and fight because of it. I say, let them know youre not gonna be part of their stupidity anymore and if they have anymore problems to deal with it themselves like adults. Also, let them know that theyre causing strain between you and your FH and how hard it is for you to deal with it. Be completely honest with them.

zoe282 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 03:11 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

Wow that is totally a tough sitution. Sometimes I feel that the only thing FH fight about is family stuff and that is awful. I definitely think something needs to be done b/c like it or not your two families will be connected in some way as long as the two of you are together...and if they can't be civil now what happens when grandchildren are involved? I am not sure how to do it though. I think that it almost has to be accepted that they won't get along. I think a meeting of the two will just accentuate their hatred for eachother. Kind of like the saying 'can't we just agree to disagree'. Tell them that telling you and FH about their feelings have to stop. You can't be involved cause it is affecting your relatiojnship....just get through the wedding and the two won't have to have plans for anything for a little while to come...hang in there~!

Sharron70 Posted: Mar 24, 2008 09:14 PM

Re: posting under a different name...FILs fighting with parents...need advice

(I posted this on BHB forum)

Compose a caring, well thought out letter directed at all four so they know they all received the same thing (i.e. Dear Mom, Dad, FMIL, FFIL). Tell them how much you truly love each and everyone of them, from the bottom of your heart. Tell them how one of the most exciting things about getting married is not just marrying your best friend, but the joining of your families and the thoughts of future get togethers with everyone and the good times you look forward to. Then explain that you fear all your dreams may be lost because they cannot get along. Tell them you had hoped that this would be a special time but instead it's filled with hurt and upset; remind them that this is yours and your fiance's time to shine however you can't do that if they won't *happily* be a part of it.

Last but not least, tell them that the wedding is just one small part of their lives - your two families still have a long future together - with you and your FH as a couple and once the grandchildren start to come. If they're at each other's throat's now, what will it be like for the next 60 years?

Don't be accusatory, don't name specific events, don't be angry. Don't go on about how it's your day. All you want to tell them is you both love all 4 of them and you want EVERYONE to treat one another as equals.

Read the letter over and over, making changes as you go along if needed. THEN MAIL IT - one to each set of parents.