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Problem with FH

Bride06 Posted:

Problem with FH

I am a bit embarassed about posting this thread but I had to get it out. I am a LIweddings bride and I have used another name b/c I don't want to be known. My FH and I barely have sex at all lately. I mean we do it like 1 a month if Im luckey. He never shows affection for me when we go out with other couples on Sat. nights. We never kiss anymore and he very rarely says 'I Love You'
anymore. The other day i expressed I wanted to have sex and he said , 'no, not right now maybe later' we never did anything later. I really feel like he is not attracted to me anymore. When we were together for the first 2 years we always had sex and he was affectionate. We have been living together now for like a year and a half. He was a bit unhappy before b/c he hated his job so I though maybe that was the problem, but now he has gotton the job he wanted I thought maybe then he will be more affectionate and have sex, but nothing yet. Am I over reacting or is this situation not normal for someone who is engaged. I am getting to the point where I am having thoughts about other men. I have expressed my feeliong and told him that I feel like we don't have sex that much anymore and he is not affectionate anymore, but he just says, 'what are you talking about'
btrflygrl Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

it could be stress with a multitude of things...wedding planning, work, family. There could be a million reasons and only he can tell you that. If he denies the downshifting in your sex life, maybe you should see a counselor.

We were like that, but from the very beginning our sex life wasn't very often, it tapered off to 1 or 2 times a week (if that ) when I moved into his parents house before the wedding and even after the wedding! It was CRAZY during the HM and now that we are on our own (he's a different man, I SWEAR!)
julz33 Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

Stress can definately be a reason for lack of sex drive.. however I have a feeling it is more than that, especially since he is in denial about it.

'He never shows affection for me when we go out with other couples on Sat. nights. We never kiss anymore and he very rarely says 'I Love You'
anymore. The other day i expressed I wanted to have sex and he said , 'no, not right now maybe later' we never did anything later. I really feel like he is not attracted to me anymore. '

Could it be he is seeing someone else? I hate to bring this up because I am probably wrong but that is the feeling I got from reading your post, mostly from the passage I pasted above. I'm sorry if I upset you
I know that if my FH and I were going through a dry spell because of stress, work, wedding palnning, etc., we still day I Love You and hug and kiss all the time. It seems to me like something more is going on than just stress.
Bride06 Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

I think it is a very unlikealy that he is cheating. I know he comes home right after work and we are together what ever we do. So if he is cheating I don't know when he'd be able to do it. We live together and when we go out its always together unless he goes to work. His work schedule never changes. Should engaged couples be having sex on a regular basis and hugging and kissing too? I feel so stupid asking these questions but I have to know how other engaged couples are. When you go out with other couples to dinner or a bar or club is it abnormal for your FH not to hug you or show you affection?

julz33 Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

For me and my FH we are showing affection constantly whether we are home or out with other couples. If he comes to my job for lunch that is probably the only time I try to keep my hands off him for a sec
prncssrachel Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

I think that relationships have their ups and downs, and I know that JT and I definitely have times where we are less affectionate and what not. I think it's a part of life and a part of relationships. BUT, I think that you and FI should be having honest discussions about it. Tell him it's not enough for him to tell you everything is fine and then leave it. Tell him that if everything was really fine, then you wouldn't be feeling upset. Maybe it's an issue that has nothing to do with your sex life, and you just see it manifesting itself in that way? I would just get some open conversations going and maybe not put so much pressure on the sex issue. Maybe then it will happen. I hope that helped. It will be ok. It takes a lot of work to have a good relationship, and I think this is a common problem that people have.
prncssrachel Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

I also wanted to add, that JT and I are not very huggy kissy in front of our friends. We used to be, but now we just like to hang out with our friends as, well, friends. When we are alone, we are very snuggly, but not sloppy, slobbery over eachother. That's just not the nature of our relationship anymore, and I think that when you live together, it tends NOT to be the way the relationship is anymore. I much rather use him as a pillow on the couch every night than to see him a few hours a day and make-out. Does that make sense?

randella Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

We definitely go through dry spells, as I think all couples do- I was depressed for a while and hated my job too.. and also being on the pill also decreases my sex drive.. Now I am at a new job, and I am working my arse off-- so I am so exhausted sometimes.. But, dry spell or not- we are still very affectionate- hand holding, hugging, kissing, etc. and we always tell each other that we love each other-- multiple times a day.

I don't think the lack of sex is your problem-- not saying he is cheating- but, there is definitely something going on-- to not show any affection just doesn't seem right to me.

Bride06 Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

See my FH never holds my hand or kisses me when we are out w/ friends, it is on very rare basis that he does it at home too. Should I be trying more to do this or initiate? This must be something abnormal.
randella Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

I would definitely initiate some affection if I were you-- see what FH's reaction is..

Bride06 Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

Thanks for your feedback. I will give it a try. For some reason I feel like Im waitng for him to do something, I don't think that will happen.

Wintersbride Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

I would sit down with him and talk to him about it again. Instead of 'why don't we have sex anymore', I would approach it w/ your feelings instead. You mentioned that you don't feel like he is attracted to you anymore. I would express that and give examples. If he claims he does not know what you are talking about site examples (when was the last time we made love? for example). What's normal for you is what you should be concerned about and it seems like this isn't the normal thing. Tell him what your needs are...don't be scared to do this...it's IMPORTANT for a happy and healthy relationship. Give him a forum to speak. Don't get defensive. These things happen for many reasons. He does have to understand that either part of a couple needs to feel wanted, needed, desired...

One thing I can say for fact, please follow this advice...do not nag/pressure for sex. It is the worse thing anyone can do and does absolutely nothing possitive for the relationship.

I don't know why this is happening...I don't know you guys. It could be stress, could be the 'blahs' of living together, depression...anything.

Maybe instead of going out w/ friends this saturday night spend some QT together just the 2 of you. Maybe plan a homemade candle-lit dinner (w/ a massage or something afterwards). Every once in a while I plan a nice romantic night for the 2 of us and his eyes light up and he has a huge grin the whole evening. We don't have this problem, but I feel it's good for the relationship. I know he knows how much I need him when I do these things for him.

Hope this helps...hang in there!
goingtobemrs Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

He might have just gotten into a comfort zone. That happens in relationships and people forget to do little things like that. Did he used to say I love you, be affectionate etc?

I think you should just talk to him honestly about it but not brutally. Tell him how YOU feel, not what he is doing or not doing.

Also, to many people's surprise, not all guys are horny 24/7. I used to think that and I hated my ex who was like that. It was annoying.
t Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

have you asked him how his day at work is? or whats going on? Stress is a big contributor. Just sit down and talk its the best medicine
brideinapril Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

I don't know - you say he was very affectionate the first 2 years - why should that change? To me its just a natural thing to kiss my now DH when I leave in the morning or give him a hug when I get in- or even to say I Love You, it just comes out naturally. So for THAT to stop I would definetly think something is wrong - Forget about just the sex part - thats part of it - but would concern me more is that lack of affection. I, myself, would not be able to get through a day without that connection.
You really need to sit down and have a discusion with him and find out whats bothering him.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope you find out what the problem is.
DjPiLL Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

I know this is probably a stupid answer... but hey from a guy's point of view it never hurts to try.

Try spicing things up a bit. Are you a perfume person? If not... wear some occassionally. Do you have nice undies... or do you have just basic stuff? I am not talking about Fredricks or anything... but trottin around in a nice set of matching bra and panties always does it for me.

I can *somewhat* relate. Me and my FW don't have sex as much as we used to since she moved in. Sometimes things change when two people start living together.

Doesn't mean I love her any less. And I DEFINITELY am not sleeping or seeing anybody else. Its more like... when we do have sex now... its that much better!

februarybride Posted:

Re: Problem with FH

He probably has a lot on his mind and is just preoccupied with things - he may not even know that what's bothering him. I know that I've fallen into this pattern myself where I just have no desire. It has NOTHING to do with DH. A change of pace would help. Take a mini-vacation somewhere even just overnight - it can/will do wonders. Do something fun! Definitely be affectionate towards him but without the pressure to have sex...just cuddle.

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