Professional women...can we have it all?

Original post by steph4777

Feb 06, 2004 12:44 PM

In my reading for one of my classes we had to read this Harvard Business Review article called 'Executive Women and the Myth of Having it All.' The article basically said that it's almost impossible for women to have it all bc most employers don't have policies in place to ensure that a woman isn't penalized for having children. Also, women who focus on their career believing that they will have time to have a family often realize that they can't have kids bc they waited so long. (FM me your email address if you want a copy of the article bc it's a PDF)

I found it very interesting bc as we go through marriage counseling the pastor asked us to think about the quality of life that we would like. Since both FH and I are pursuing professional degrees he said we needed to think about how our careers will affect quality of life, our relationship with each other and kids.

My question to you ladies is can we have it all? Do you think at some point you will have to choose one over the other?

alina Posted: Feb 06, 2004 01:26 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Posted by Becky

What if the woman makes more than the man, by a fairly significant amount?

Then it would a financial choice to have a SAHDad

But if you have one parent stay at home, it takes away the 'insurance' of the 2nd job if one loses a job. Which adds to much more work pressure and 'longer hours'

steph4777 Posted: Feb 06, 2004 01:37 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

I think that having it all is relative. What I perceive as success is different from someone else. It depends on what one's priorities are.

Kelly9904 Posted: Feb 06, 2004 01:39 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

I dont think you can have it all! As someone else said, something has to give.

I agree with someone who said do we want to have it all? I think that your priorities must change to be a parent! I am not saying that yoru career has to be unimportant but you time is more divided.

My SIL gave up a career where she made much more than my Brother because when she had her daughter she went back to work full tiem while my neice was in a company run day care, but she felt like she was missing everything! She used to cry if my neice did something for the first time with my mom or someone else becuase she wanted to be there for it! Not everyone is like this but she left that job, now works 2 days a week to add alittle to the house income but she is much happier becuase although she has a masters and could get a job making 100K, her heart is with her kids and thats where she wants to be as well!

alina Posted: Feb 06, 2004 03:22 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Stef:
When I saw the article, I realized that I read the book when it first came out. The book made a big splash. The book by the same author is more one sided than it needs to be, but I would say its fairly realistic.

shelzyp Posted: Feb 06, 2004 03:33 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

I hope I can, I want kids, but I will not stay home, it is just not me. I hope that my boss is willing to work with me, and no find that me having kids is a detrement to my job. I will have to work less during busy season tehn before, but actually for my boss to hire someone per dein them to pay be time and a half, he is better off.

karen32 Posted: Feb 06, 2004 04:04 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

As some of you know, this is a big topic for me. I had a very successful 6-figure career. I walked away from it, because I discovered that you can not have it all.

It was not uncommon for me to work 12-15 hour days. My firm operates most of the year under a 55-billable-hour week. That means you must charge 55 hours a week to clients. That does not include commuting travel, lunch time, and any administrative time. I traveled extensively. I had clients around the country. I was making very good money, but at a sacrifice to my personal life.

I would like someone to explain to me how I am supposed to have a family in this situation.

The female partners in my firm with children all have two things in common - successful spouses and live-in help. I love my hubby to death, but he will never be a power-player in the corporate world. We would never be able to afford live-in help, even if we wanted it. Many of these partners have never gotten their children ready for school in the morning. In a client service environment, the clients ALWAYS come first. It can be 5pm on Xmas eve, and the client comes first (that was the final straw for me).

Is that really the kind of life you want your child to have???? Spending more hours with the help then with their parents????

And by the way - my firm has been on Fortune's Top 100 Firms for Working Mothers for years.

MrsTC Posted: Feb 06, 2004 04:11 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

This topic depends on how you define 'having it all'....

Karen

you are an inspiration to many!!!

Becky Posted: Feb 06, 2004 04:13 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Posted by karen32

As some of you know, this is a big topic for me. I had a very successful 6-figure career. I walked away from it, because I discovered that you can not have it all.

It was not uncommon for me to work 12-15 hour days. My firm operates most of the year under a 55-billable-hour week. That means you must charge 55 hours a week to clients. That does not include commuting travel, lunch time, and any administrative time. I traveled extensively. I had clients around the country. I was making very good money, but at a sacrifice to my personal life.

I would like someone to explain to me how I am supposed to have a family in this situation.

The female partners in my firm with children all have two things in common - successful spouses and live-in help. I love my hubby to death, but he will never be a power-player in the corporate world. We would never be able to afford live-in help, even if we wanted it. Many of these partners have never gotten their children ready for school in the morning. In a client service environment, the clients ALWAYS come first. It can be 5pm on Xmas eve, and the client comes first (that was the final straw for me).

Is that really the kind of life you want your child to have???? Spending more hours with the help then with their parents????

And by the way - my firm has been on Fortune's Top 100 Firms for Working Mothers for years.

No way, I wouldn't want that. Children or no children. My family, even right now, comes first - always. I wouldn't take a job that entails traveling, though, just because I wouldn't like it.

I guess there are certain jobs that a parent can have that would cause their family to suffer. I plan on staying far, far away from them.

shelzyp Posted: Feb 06, 2004 04:24 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

I would never want to work 12-15 hours a day, kids or no kids.

Mary Posted: Feb 06, 2004 06:12 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Mary Posted: Feb 06, 2004 06:15 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Karen32: What are you doing now?

jannshari Posted: Feb 06, 2004 06:23 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Becky, I'd love to know what firm you work for (obviously not something I expect you to post here). I'll be starting a firm (partnership) in about a year or two and I strive to have a very family-friendly firm, in which I can feel free to be a partner and have a family and my future partners feel the same way, even though neither necessarily thinks they'll ever have kids.

I think it's possible to have it all, just as long as you realize that 'all' means 'a little bit of everything,' and not 'all of everything.' Having it all doesn't necessarily mean having the best of all possible lives, but having equally satisfying areas of life, at least IMO.

Rob-luvs-me Posted: Feb 06, 2004 06:27 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Honestly I think it depends on your ideals and what you mean by 'having it all'

Does it mean that you can have a family and a career then YES you can definetely do that!-

BUT if it means you can be a full time employee (not full time in hours but full time where you devote your life to it) and a full time parent - no I don't think it is possible.

I do think there can be a healthy balance where you CAN have a career AND a family and be successful.

Honestly I don't think men have this either. (someone mentioned this above) So it is NOT a women issue to me but an issue of can ANYONE be a full time parent AND have a career. When I was an infant my father worked for Sherman and sterling for those who know law firms know what kind of hours their associates work. This meant that we rarely saw him- he often took a taxi home showered and went right back in. He worked many weekends. Now while that might not be normal it makes it hard to be a parent if you cannot be home.

I definitely believe that you can have a family and a career but depending on your ideals and your goals unfortunately I believe man or women one will suffer if you don't balance it well.

ThongLori Posted: Feb 06, 2004 07:14 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Another point to consider: with the rising cost of living -- especially in this area -- most housheolds have no choice but to have both parents work! The bills somehow have to get paid

1017Bride Posted: Feb 06, 2004 07:18 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Its not easy. I think women will always have to make sacrifices. Families, esp. women have to worry about child care (day care, nannies, staying at home with the children) or focusing on the career and having children later. Its difficult to be able to do both at the same time. Its possible but there are costs on each side.

Tammy5-03 Posted: Feb 06, 2004 09:23 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

I think you can have a career and a family and be good at both. It is very difficult but not impossible. I work 12-14 hour days most of the time. I work 24 hours at times too. My schedule will be better than this by the time I have kids but it will never be 9-5. I will need to have help with my children and I accept that. A loving home is what's important. My mother worked out of necessity, not ambition my entire life. I am perfectly well-adjusted and successful in my own right so I'm not afraid to be a working mom. I will limit my hours as best as I can and in doing so make less money but I accept that too. A I think sometimes women are unrealistic when they talk about having it all. Maybe you will miss a game here and there but I don't think that devastates a child forever. On the flip side, you may also advance more slowly or make less money than a childless co-worker and that is not the worst thing in the world. Women also need to realize that if children are a priority they can't wait too long to get pregnant. Its very sad to see career women who wait so long that they lose their chance at a family.
Anyway, good luck to all the career women. I hope it works out for all of us.

michele31 Posted: Feb 06, 2004 10:47 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

I think we need to redefine what having it all means? Women cannot compare having it all to men because I truly don't believe that men have had it all in the past. How many of us had dads that worked long hours, maybe 2 jobs, because our moms stayed home? How many of us had our dads go on class trips or arrive late to a holiday or birthday party due to work? I would venture to guess that the majority of men think they have it all because they have a photo of a wife and 2.5 kids on their desk, take 2 weeks off and play outside with their kids a few times a year. When people refer to women having it all it means raising 2.5 kids, never missing a school play or choir recital, being highly respected in the workplace, having a perfectly manicured home and a husband that says I Love You every night before making mad passionate love.

We are all given 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week, 356 days in a year. What you do with that time it what should define 'having it all'. Each couple needs to decide what 'all' they want to have. Some women love their jobs and put in 70+ hours each week at work. If you have children, that means that you are not home tucking them into bed. For some women, that would be torture while others are okay if daddy is reading the bedtime stories.

Do I think that I can have it all? Sure, because for me, all means that I have a loving husband, a healthy daughter, a cat that likes to sleep at the edge of my bed at night, a home full of warmth and food to feed my family with every day. Oh, yea, I have a job that I like sometimes.

karen32 Posted: Feb 07, 2004 08:29 AM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Posted by Mary

Karen32: What are you doing now?

i am going back to school to become a math teacher, grades 7-12. i am loving every minute of it (even calculus ). i should be teaching within a 1 1/2 to 2 years. i have never before had a 'set' schedule so this is a whole new life for me!!

Elizabeth Posted: Feb 07, 2004 05:23 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Posted by MrsTC

This topic depends on how you define 'having it all'....

Very true. Some people consider bearing children but having someone else care for them 10 or 12 hours a day while they are able to continue with their career as 'having it all'.

And some people would hardly consider this as 'having it all'

Either way, there are compromises to be made. What's the difference as long as it works for your situation and family?

NYCHICK Posted: Feb 07, 2004 05:39 PM

Re: Professional women...can we have it all?

Thank you Karen, that makes me feel like I was right. It defintely depends on how far you want to take your career. I also work in VERY CORPORATE America, and love my company to death, but the female execs are like the walking dead(though she did make 12 million in bonus last year). It is just non stop. I don't think high powered and corporate America mix with anything, it is just insane. Getting in at 6 am and leaving at nightime. Yea great she made 12 million on bonuses but SHE HAS NO LIFE. I could never, the almighty dollar will not make me work myself into an early grave. no way. I want comfort and happiness not opulence.