Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
sophie78
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Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
My family is paying for our entire wedding. The wedding is costing a small fortune, but my parents are fine with that.
His parents are not even hosting the rehearsal dinner. His father told his mother that he would divorce her if she gave her son any money. Now, they are not poor. FFIL made $130,000 year. FFIL believes that weddings are a waste of money. In fact, he actually said that he hopes he dies before 9/18 (our wedding day) so he wouldn't have to attend. It is not a case that they don't have the money to donate. He is just selfish.
So, what's the deal with the guest list. Do I ask them who they want to invite even though they are not giving us a dime? Or do I just invite the people that FI wants and leave it at that? In other words, don't open it up for discussion.
My parents who are incredibly nice and generous would allow the parents to invite whoever they wanted. But I feel that it is not right to ask my parents to pay for FFIL guests, if they are not contributing.
I would never expect the groom's parents to contribute an amount of money that they were uncomfortable with. I know that everyone's financial situation is different and I would never want them to try and match my parents. But a small contribution is a gesture that they care about us. It is the thing to do.
HELP!!
Kathy116
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Re: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
My FI's parents are not paying for any part of the wedding either...my FI and my own parents are paying, and our wedding has also reached the six figure mark.
We 'let' FI's parents invite anyone they wanted. They only wanted a few friends there anyway.
Do you think your in-laws will want a ton of friends there?
sophie78
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Re: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
I don't know how many they would want. I don't think it would be a lot. Our pp cost with the site fee is $300. So every couple is going to be $600. Why should my parents pay that for FIL friends if FIL won't pay it for their friends?
I always have that pp cost in my mind when I add someone to the list.
sophie78
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Re: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
Just to show you how nice my parents are they actually wanted to buy his parents a parent album!!!! They thought it was rude not to. I said absolutely not!!
Why should my parents buy their album just because they are too cheap to buy it themselves???
SORRY. I AM MAJORLY PISSED OFF TODAY.
July2004Bride
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
Posted by am470
Or do I just invite the people that FI wants and leave it at that? In other words, don't open it up for discussion.
I think you have the right idea by not even opening it up for discussion. IMO, if they do not want to contribute in any way, then they don't have the right to invite anyone.. don't bring up the subject with them. Good luck!
Jess2
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
My parents are wonderful and are helping out significantly with the wedding and FH parents are not contributing at all. We are paying for a certain number of guests, and if FH parents want to invite over that number than my FH parents have to pay for it. Could you do something like that?
Kathy116
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
Okay, I see now...our actual per person figure isn't all that expensive..it's all the extras that's costing us a lot...(band, etc..)
So for you to have more people than necessary will really ADD UP FAST!
Just don't open it up for discussion. But, if your parents want to pay for FFIL's guests, then I guess I wouldn't fight it if your parents feel it's the right thing to do.
sophie78
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
Jess-
That is definitely an idea. I guess I am just upset over his crappy family. They still have not met my parents and we have been dating for 5 years and engaged for 8 months! My mother has tried to invite them over, but they have made it known that they are not interested.
JZNCK
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
Personally I think with that attitude, they should be lucky that their even invited. Honestly I wouldn't mention it. Let you FH decide who HE wants to invite.. They are acting like they don't want to be bothered.. oh well, There loss.. I would say let FH pick who he wants. I feel very bad for your FH having to put up with people like that.. all that matters is that you two are happy and you have who YOU want at YOUR wedding.. GOOD LUCK
PrincessRose
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
As my Mom's friend said about her daughter's FMIL (who is responding in the same way):
Lady, Shut Up and Wear Beige.
I'm still in shock from the part where your FFIL said he hopes he dies before your wedding so he won't have to attend. That is just beyond any low I could've possibly conceived of.
I wouldn't let them invite any friends. They're obviously not interested in this.
sophie78
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
The funny part is that they like me! It is not like they are against the marriage. His father is against the big wedding. The mother is just too pathetic to stand up for herself and her son. In terms of meeting my parents, FI says that they are insecure. Seriously, my parents are the nicest people ever. They are the type of people who get along with everyone.
bizzybridesmom
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
More important than the fact that your future in-laws aren't contributing $ to the wedding, is the remark that he hopes he dies before the wedding so he wouldn't have to attend. (If I were you, I'd hope so too). I'd have your FI invite whomever he wanted from his side but I souldn't ask his parents for the time of day, much less a guest list.
August2004
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
It sounds like your fellings are hurt more than anything(of course this is understandable with the comments that have been made). I would say that since your parents are paying, let them make the decision as to the guests that FI's parents get to invite. While this may irk you to no end, remember that you have to deal with these people for the rest of your life. If your parents have no problem paying for whomever your fi's parents want to invite, I would let it go. I understand your point though, completely !!!!
Also, about the parents album, aren't two usually included in the package?
I must add though that the comment FFIL made about dying before the wedding is VERY odd. Even if I ever thought that about my child's wedding(30+ years in the future), I hope I would have enough tact not to say it !!!
jannshari
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
OK, the comment about hoping to die before the wedding is just plain awful. The man should be b*tch-slapped for ever uttering the words.
However, and I know this might not be what you want to hear, just because he makes over $130,000 a year doesn't mean that he should be forced to contribute to a wedding that he feels is not along the lines of what is acceptable to him. Again, his opinion may be somewhat skewed by the apparent mental illness he is suffering from that would make him think his comments about dying are OK, but I don't necessarily think it is fair to not allow FH's parents to invite anyone either. I assume your parents are the ones who OK'd the $300 pp price tag. Do you think that if the wedding wasn't costing so much and didn't seem to be so big to FFIL, he would be willing to pay some money? In other words, could it be that he just feels that it's way too much money to spend and maybe his priorities are different than yours or your parents' or FH's?
If I were you, I would discuss with FH which people he thinks that his parents would invite that he would want there, invite them, and if the time comes that FH's parents ask about adding people to the guest list, you talk to your parents about setting a limit on how many people they (the inlaws) can invite. Perhaps FFIL can chip in the amount that he would be willing to pay pp, rather than nothing at all. $300 pp is a lot of money, and I'm not sure that it's fair to say that he either pays up or doesn't get to invite anyone. JMO.
JimmysBride
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
I'm sorry but I think you seriously need to be the bigger person here. If you parents are willing to let them invite whomever they want, well, THEY are paying so maybe let THEM decide.
Excluding the moronic death comment for now, he has every right to feel the way he does about not contributing to what he feels is a ridiculous expense on a wedding. It's his money regardless of what he makes.
FH and I (actually mostly me) are paying for our wedding and I will let FHs parents invite whoever they want and they are not contributing a dime. My mom has already offered up several generous gifts and they have not offered up a thing. And, they are also in a MUCH better financial position than my mom. Yet we are not making them 'pay for their guests'.
Granted, when the time comes to cut the list, they will basically have no say, but seriously with a wedding price tag like that (that you personally are not even funding), it sounds a bit selfish of you to say that they can't invite anyone unless they shell out for it. I could definitely understand it more if it were coming from your parents. I think you should be thankful that you have such generous parents and just be gracious to your FILs instead of complaining that they aren't contributing to what many would consider a pretty expensive wedding anyway.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but try to understand what you sound like to me right now: 'my wedding is costing over 6 figures which mommy and daddy are paying for and FH's parents have the nerve to not contribute anything so I'm not going to let them invite anyone!'
JMO -- but I say let them give you their guestlist uncut, don't ask for or hint at money and if you feel the need to make cuts (like if they go overboard with the friends)-- go ahead DO SO and YOUR discretion and your parent's discretion. You also don't want them to take advantage of your parent's generousity either.
Good luck!
sophie78
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
I completely agree with Jimmy!
I don't want to take advantage of my parent's generosity!! I may have not made it clear in my posts, but that is my complete reason for being irritated.
I also agree with jannshari who said that just because he makes $130,000 doesn't mean that he has to contribute. I (unsuccessfully) tried to explain in one of my previous posts, that I would never expect someone to contribute even a significant amount. WHAT HURTS ME IS THAT THEIR LACK OF ANY GESTURE (even a card) CONVEYS TO ME THAT THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT US.
To answer Jannshari's post, FFIL would not have contributed anything regardless of the size of the wedding. That is just how he is. FI's parents have always been like this. They have never supported him financially or emotionally.
To answer the previous post, the parents' albums were $500 each. It was not included in any package. I guess we kind of picked and choosed what we wanted.
sp04
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
am470 - Does FH have any sisters or any brothers that have been married? Did FIL's pay for any of their weddings or contribute anything?
sophie78
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
FI has a younger sister. She is not married, but she has already been told that she will not be given any money for her wedding as well.
sp04
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
She will not be given any because they want her to pay for it themselves?, they don't have it? or they are just being cheap and selfish?
jannshari
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Re: MAJOR VENT: Question about asking In laws for their guests if they are not paying?
Frankly, it sounds to me like if FFIL is so deadset against this wedding (not the marriage), he's not likely to want to invite a ton of people anyway. I would just wait and see what happens when the time comes, and let your parents be the ultimate decision-makers, since it's their money.
It does sound a little like you are equating money with caring, but you say that FH's parents never contributed anything financially or emotionally to FH's life, so even if they did contribute money, there's still the emotional aspect of it, and it seems like that's the real problem, at least to me.
