Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

I will have a step son who is now 7 and will be about 9 when we marry. This is a very sensitive topic and I want to portray this the right way which may be hard to do.

I'm totally aware of my responsibilities as a 'step' mother and I have a GREAT relationship (thank God) with my future step son so living out the rest of our lives is something that is not as tough for me to think about as I know that it can be for some. However, there is a day in my life that I have some concern about... my wedding day.

I'd still like it to be somewhat traditional in the sense that the focus is bigtime on the bride and groom making vows to love and honor eachother in good times and bad in order to make for an overall happy family. My concern is that today - again he is 7 now and will be 9 by the time we marry - he is very hyperactive and gets himself into things. When we go to other people's weddings he'll walk right out of the reception hall and go outside where people are smoking and not bother to tell anyone. I'm thinking about arranging for a 'babysitter' b/c when this happens - you can imagine how fh reacts (and rightfully so), but it's my wedding and for just a few short hours I'd like his attention to be on us. I don't ask for this for the most part - just this one day - well not even a full day.

We are not planning on having children invited other than those in the wedding party and there should be at least 1 other child (hopefully his cousin will be a junior bridesmaid and maybe will allow her brother too). I'm thinking a babysitter and a table in a far corner where they can play games and such - but the babysitter can escort him to the men's room and ensure he doesn't leave the premises. What have other's out there done? To be honest, my cousin has a step son and quite honestly - I guess he was well behaved b/c I don't even remember him being at the wedding - but he must have been there and was also 9 at the time (this was almost 15 years ago though).

Also, what about the wedding night? Is it selfish to want the 'usual' fun and games for lovers in a honeymoon suite? What if the bio mom makes plans to be out (she does this and at times we are merely glorified babysitters) - where do you send the child? I'd say with FH's parent's but they can be a bit unreliable to be quite honest. I had been planning on a vineyard wedding, but after really thinking about this - I think something in Nassau's better so that someone can take the child home after the reception. Is it wrong to ask a member of the bridal party (such as FH's brother) to take the child home and come back for whatever after party festivities there may be? Let me know what others have done here... again - there's NO RESENTMENT - it's just a day I'd like to make as 'perfect' as can be despite the situation. For a wedding what is the proper protocol with step children (the only parent present is the groom and that's a bit inconvenient : ) ). Honestly - my step son cannot wait for me to 'join his family' as he tells me all the time. I want all to enjoy, don't want crap from my in-laws about what to do with ss, but also want a memorable wedding...

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

i am not the step parent but the mom and i have a child who was nine at our wedding who also has some ld's, we included her in the ceramony with the family madalon(sorry for misspells) and she was very good and i was shocked i did not think she would have made it through but she did. as for the wedding reception we had my neice's and nephews who helped to keep her out of our way to enjoy the night, then at the end of the night (make along story short) i also had my moh son due to her mom getting sick and she left, so my mom's friend took my moh son and my mom took my daughter, as for the honeymoon
we got very lucky there my sister watched her as we went on ours just me and dh, then we planned a little family honeymoon for all of us to go, which was great! if you have any other questions fm me! i am here for ya! good luck!

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

I think the babysitter is a great idea. Thankfully my future stepdaughters will be 14 and 12 when my FH and I are married so their behavior won't be a problem (except for the 13 year old attitude and mood swings that we get for the oldest but we are getting used to that! ). This will allow your stepson be involved in your day without getting in your way. As for your wedding night, are you going on a honeymoon? With or without your ss? Who is watching him then? You may need to compromise a little here but make sure you and your DH get time together.

My SD mother is unreliable as well but thankfully FH parents are incredible and make sure that FH and I have time together as a couple. The girls will be staying with them.

FM me if you want to talk. It's not easy, I know. But make sure you have the wedding of your dreams. This is you and your FH day to shine and don't scimp on anything because of your ss.

Good luck!

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

See, I agree that this should be a day about the couple - the rest of our lives will involve the bigger family picture and SS. SS lives with his mother so our honeymoon should have no impact on him as far as who would watch him then - at some point she has to take him back - she has sole custody, FH just has visitation. I had thought about getting a nice suite for FH and I for the night of the wedding and then leaving first thing the next day - I've been seriously considering a Friday afternoon wedding to save some $$$ - but what you said made me think that maybe leaving that night wouldn't be too horrible depending on where we decide to go for the HM. SS's mother is also unreliable and my bigger concern is that she's been teasing about wanting to attend our wedding (she's a you know what), which will be impossible b/c we are not going to marry in a religious institution so it's going to be a private ceremony by invitation only at whatever hall we finally decide on - hopefully outdoors. But that doesn't mean that she won't say 'well, then I'm going to spend the night out with friends so you'll have to have the child that night' just to be like that and spoil our wedding night. I wish my FH's parent's were more useful, but they're not - hence why I wouldn't even trust them to watch ss during the wedding : (. They let him run around and do whatever he wants - they think it's funny (they weren't very good parent's either). Maybe I'll try having a heart to heart with FMIL, but I know that will just end up with her asking me 'well I hope you know what your getting yourself into, SS comes with the package and you'll have to deal with it the rest of your life and the ex the rest of your life' - it's great when your future in-laws are the most least supportive! I'm 31 - I know what I'm doing and they don't have to make it sound like a death sentence either! Be happy someone loves your son so much they are willing to work to cope with the 'baggage' for crying out loud. Funny thing is - it's not the child that makes me crazy - it's everyone else!

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

If he has visitation does it fall on the day of your wedding? If not, then you have nothing to worry about. Have your FMIL drop him off at his mom's when the day is over. If it does then I say talk to FMIL. She will want what is best for her son and you are definately it. It's one night! I say get a room for you and DH the wedding night - you'll be too tired to travel and enjoy your HM as planned.

I agree with you on everyone else - all I hear is OMG how can you take on that responsibility? Do you know what you are getting into? Your life is ruined! (excuse me???) There aren't many women our age (I'm 31 as well) that will take on what we are. I tell my FMIL when she gets like that that FH wouldn't be the man that I love if he didn't have his daughters and I love them because they are a part of him. What mom can resist that?

My FH has sole custody (and the ex comes and goes whenever she feels like it) and he actually joked to me earlier in the engagement that he will be the only ex-husband whose ex-wife went to his wedding. Can you believe it? Needless to say I stopped that real quick! No way is she invited. He has now seen the light and wants this to be an ex free day.

Keep me posted.

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

Hmm, i know when my mom got remarried (I was 6) my grandmother (mom's mom) took care of me while they were on their honeymoon, and my step-father's child (then almost 9) went home to his mother's. He spent most of the day in the parking lot moping (he didn't want my mother to marry his father).

I, on the other hand, fully believed that the day was about me, the flowergirl, and not my mom and her new husband

I'd say your best bet would be to have him go to his mothers afterward (i believe my step-father's sister brought my brother back to his moms). If not, have him go to your in-laws. Good luck with your decision!

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

Hard to say now what the visitation schedule will be by then. I've been encouraging FH to spend an evening a week with his son rather than the big 'slumber party' for 3 days every other week b/c to be honest - the slumber parties weren't happening... to me spending some quality time with a child every week is better than 3 days in September and not seeing him again until February! It's to the point the boy doesn't even want to sleep over probably b/c of all the drama. She also will decide at last minute for us to have or not have him! And as I said, now the child doesn't even want to deal with the drama. Also - we don't have any kids so he's bored stiff at our house for 3 days. By the end of day one it's 'I wish I had a brother!' 'when can I have a brother!', he's clearly lonely. At least my way of thinking no one has to 'commit' to 3 days (I mean mostly the ex and SS when I talk about this being a nuissance) - an evening a week - like a Friday to have dinner with him, take him bowling or something fun. This way it's consistent without being overbearing or boring. Plus he's 7 now, in a few short years I'm sure he'd rather leave the 'sleep over parties' for friends - not parents!

As for the wedding though, if only my future in laws were more reliable... FMIL will probably give a fuss, but it may still be worth it to ask and see if she'll give in to taking him for the night if it were to come to it - I definitely wouldn't trust her to 'watch' the boy during the wedding, she turns a blind eye (actually she turned a blind eye to things that my FH and his brothers did growing up too so it's not surprising). Somehow I don't think FMIL would be open to hear me saying that this should be a day for the bride and groom - I'd only get the 'I hope you know what your getting into/he's going to be part of your life whether you like it or not' lecture which really isn't called for b/c I'm cool with it the rest of my life, just would like one 'selfish' day. Also, it's not like we have custody and he's really innundated in our 'family'/day to day life or his life is going to drastically change from that day forward. FH left the marriage when SS was an infant - he has no recullection of his parent's being together. I agree that he should just go home to his mom, but she may get so out of sorts over FH's remarriage - who knows. I mean, she's definitely not invited - I'm having hard enough time being able to afford to pay to have the people that really need to be there and keeping that down to 100 guests. She basically just wouldn't belong there and I'll make sure (in case she gets any interesting ideas to crash the party) that as much as she may still have animosity toward FH and she doesn't have to like me (but she is nice to me now), but keep in mind that this is a big day for my parent's and they didn't do anything to her. I could care less if we ran off to Mexico or got married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator - but it's really a big deal to my p's.

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

I will be a stepmom too. My bonus son will be 10 in April.

Our plan, assuming the biological mom allows him to attend the wedding, is to have FBIL take him home after the party (or the next morning). I am not concerned about his behavior at the wedding though since there will be about 10 kids at the wedding from age 8 - 16. They are all pretty well behaved. The family is really close knit so it will not be an issue to have him spend the night with his uncle (and his cousins).

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

i will be a stepmom to 4 wonderful kids and fh has them full time..i'm very excited about the wedding because i have 3 nieces who are the same ages as the girls and fh's son will be the best man so he'll be busy enough..we're having a kid table and my matron of honor's sister will be with them for the day to make sure whoever needs to use the potty is attended to..

i know it's going to be hard for us to give up some of our day to our stepchildren but we have to remember that we're taking fh and his kids which in itself is different..so sharing the day with them makes it even more special..i'm sure your stepson will revel in the attention that he is getting at the wedding that you won't even know he's there!!!

good luck to us!!

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

So nice to hear positive words from others who are living it. Like I said before, it amazes me how many people out there make it seem like a death sentence! Maybe I just really like kids to a point that it doesn't matter or I'm just so in love with FH that the rest is just details... I never thought I'd be the type that would end up with a step child, but through the boy I more amazed at who I am and what I'm capable of. I guess a lot of people may think that 'having an ex around' is intimidating - I personally feel I intimidate her more than she could ever intimidate me - she may have had FH first, but I'll have him forever!

As for the wedding itself, I like the ideas you all have. I even thought of a post-wedding celebration that's more for SS so that the wedding could be about FH and I, then a separate 'family unity' party for SS. I'm having a hard time considering inviting the children of every couple we know and cannot seem to figure out a way that isn't tacky to only invite some people's kids and not others. I'm 31 - almost everyone I know has at least one child, some don't even have a spouce but have a child. If I had everyone bring their kid(s), we'd easily have over 300 guests at our wedding - the majority would be under 18 years of age. I'm trying to keep the whole thing at 100 guest or less. We are very limited financially (house, child support, etc.). I think I may stick to having SS as ring bearer or junior groomsmen, and maybe FH's Goddaughter as a junior bridesmaid and maybe my MOH's neice as my flower girl... 3 kids and maybe I'll pay one of the teenage coaches at my gym $100 plus dinner to 'babysit' the children's table and keep them entertained. I just know that even when we've been to weddings where there are other kids SS has 'stepped outside' and not told anyone. I know FH would just be chasing him around all day and my future in laws would just find it amusing! I guess we have to wait a bit too, he'll be 9 by that time and he's only 7 now. Hopefully, he'll calm down within the next 2 years.

Re: Question for other future step mom's or mom's remarrying

I will have a step-daughter who is one week younger than my son. They get along great and even refer to each other as brother and sister as well as my other daughter and her. She is very close to me as long as her mother is far from ear shot. She also lives in Fla. now(taken without permission)and we hardly ever see her. Her mother is impossible telling her lies about her father and about the rest of us so it does put a strain on everything. I love her to death but could definetly due without having to deal with her mother and her snide comments that she makes to me. She's immature enough too to think I dont get her wise cracks instead of realizing I just think she's stupid Before she moved to fla. she was 7yrs. old and asked me not her father if she could live with me. I take that as a great compliment. When she gets older and her mother who is 33 with a boyfriend who was just given permission to drink(literally )doesnt have as much influence over her Im sure things will be even better. My FIL's told FH at one point to forget her and concentrate on his new family because her mother was just making things impossible. I would stick with the babysitting idea and do the best possible job of concentrating on your day as possible. Good Luck