Really bad fight with mom...don't know what to do - VERY long

I just got back from dropping off the balance to my hall...my wedding is in 8 days, and I just had a fight with my mother and I can't even look at her.

As many of you know, I'm having an interfaith wedding.

A tradition in a jewish wedding is to have the parents stand under the huppah (actually next to it) while their children are being married. In a catholic ceremony, the parents sit during the service, and only the bride, groom, best man, and moh stand at the alter. For our ceremony, which has been worked out as a beautifully intertwined ceremony between the 2 faiths....we have have a Cantor and Priest officiating, along with the best man and moh. Also up there will be a podium for the readings. I have tried very hard to make my mother understand that this ceremony will be different, and that because it's interfaith, they won't have the same involvement as if it were jewish. They won't be involved in the wine ceremony. FH's parents are ademently against standing during the ceremony, as it is not tradition for them, and they also feel that the alter belongs to us. My parents, feel just the opposite. My mother is insisting upon standing, yet I feel, as does FH as well as the Cantor and Priest, that this throws off the balance of the service that we tried so hard to create, and would look awkward. We tried to come up with a middle ground, having the front row of seats arranged in a U shape around the huppah, so that our parents and families are close to us during the ceremony. This did not make my mom happy. She started yelling and saying 'you mean we dont' get the honor of standing under the huppah??' and freaked on me, completely ignoring what I was saying. She immediately looked to blame FH's parents, saying that she thought because they insisted on sitting, it must be that they don't want us standing, when that couldn't possibly be FURTHER from the truth. In fact, they don't mind if my parents stand...it's solely the people above, the people directly involved in marrying us that feel this way...me, FH and our clergy.

She really hurt me with a lot of the things she said, and I am so afraid to bring this up to FH, because I think he'll just crack from all the pressure. I just don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to think that I am taking something away from them, yet on the other hand it infuriates me to think that all she cares about with this ceremony is her being in the spotlight....I really feel like she just wants the attention. She made it a point to remind me over and over that there HAS to be a misenke presentation (which is a ceremony marking the marrying of your last child in the jewish faith)..she also HAD to have 25 of her friends there, even though I never met these people and sacrified MY OWN friends at this wedding as a result.

There are so many things. And I am just at a loss. I just don't know what to do.

this is a really tough one. i think you should let things cool for as long as you know you have to with you mom, and then have a sit down.

tell her how much she means to you and everything you appreciate her for. tell her that her involvement in your life is proceless and that you will never forget that. then explain that plannign this wedding to was especially difficult because of the interfaith thing...and that though the wedding itself is something that you and FI have worked out, her presence in your life is more important to you than that one day.

hope that helped a little. and of course, this may not work for you. maybe if you vary a d\few things! lots of luck, and always rememeber, as hard as that can be, that this day is mostly for you and you man.

I am so sorry you and you mom are fighting. I don't know what to say so all i can do is offer

Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with your mother ... is it possible that she can come to terms with the fact that it is your wedding, and that you have the right to make choices? IMO You are not taking anything away from them? What does your father think? Can he help you to convince your mother?

good luck!

Elena

I'm so sorry you're going through this...and so close to your wedding
Maybe after you cool off for a day or so, you can talk to your mother about traditions from the Jewish ceremony that you've incorporated into your ceremony, but explain to her that you cannot do them all.
Either way, she's still probably gonna be pi**ed, but maybe she'll understand where you're coming from at least.

It seems like you have really tried to be fair to both your parents and your FH's parents.

Many

I really don't know what to say but . I would give it a day and let her calm down then just have a heart to heart with her and tell her you are starting a new life with your FI and the ceremony is exactly how you envision your faiths mingling. Let her know you still respect and love her but she needs to respect your decisions as well.

It is the week before your wedding and everyone is under crazy stress. I'm sure that compounded to the arguement.

Everything will be fine and your Mom will deal with your decisions. She loves you and will come around.

So sorry you're going through this, especially 8 days before your wedding! Try and keep a distance from your mom and avoid this issue with her until things calm down. Do what you and FH have already decided is right for you and do not discuss it with your mother. A day or two before your wedding, have a heart to heart with her, tell her how much you love her and that you want this day to be special and happy. I think she will come around. Good luck!

I am soooooo sorry that you are going through this. Is your cantor supportive of your interfaith ceremony and decisions? If he is maybe he can help and intercede on your behalf. If he thinks that this is fine, then maybe your Mom will start to cool down!

Give it a day to cool off. I am sorry you have to go through this now.

I actually just emailed our Cantor about this. This has my stomach in complete knots. I wish you could all understand the dynamic between my mother and I....

Thank you for your responses.

My dad feels the same way, but he's a lot less confrontational about it, and I think he'd do what would make me ultimately happy, my dad is the complete opposite of my mom in this way.

Awww I am sooo sorry!


I know we just went through something similar with my dad right before my invitations were supposed to go out and he wasn't coming and I shouldn't send his invites-etc. anyway I told him not to come and he shut up.

Maybe she will realize what she is doing and calm down. Hopefully your cantor can step in and help!!!

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this now About a month before our wedding, DH's mother sent some regretable e-mail with some unkind things about one of my BM's and it started a big fight between her and DH to the point that she was saying she might not come to the wedding. It all worked out, and I hope your situation will too. I guess just as you have dreams about your perfect wedding, your mother has dreams about her little girl getting married and is having trouble reconciling that your dream is not the same as hers. Hugs

I never know what to say to make people feel better, so I just wanted to send you some . I'm sure things will work out with your mom. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this so soon to your big day!

Misty, I 'm so sorry that you're going through this! And SO close to the wedding day, too. I'm sure it's the last thing you need right now.

It's definitely a tough situation. I think it's best for you to try to sit down with your mom and explain to her that this is such a special and important day in YOUR life, as well as hers, and since you are trying to incorporate both faiths and honor both traditions and heritages, that she is going to have to respect the other's family's tradition and be a little flexible. It sounds to me like instead of respecting their faith, she is fighting against it.
Do you think their are deeper issues she has about the interfaith marriage itself? Maybe you can both visit your cantor together and work something out? I'm sure it will be OK.


Karen

Misty I am sorry you had such a bad fight with your mom now. I think you both are under a lot of stress too. I am sure that having your last child get married brings up a whole host of emotions as a parent that we just don't understand right now as well.

I don't know what to say about your situation though, but I think e-mailing the Cantor was a smart thing to do. Hopefully that will help. I also think calmly talking to your mother about how much you love her but that you have tried to compromise and honor her AND incorporate both faiths as best as you can.

All I can do is lend you an ear and tons of support and even more

Lara
would it be alright if FH's parents sat and yours stood by the Huppah? if his parents dont care and if it will make your mom happy, I dont see why they wouldnt let you do that?

Maybe then everyone will be happy, if you dont mind your parents up there, I am sure since its interfaith that the officiants would allow this?

My parents will be married 25 years in September and are of 2 different religions so they too faced the same thing you are facing. My mom is catholic and my dad is jewish. They had to get married at the hall and had a priest and rabbi do the ceremony. My mom had to explain certain things to her mother in law and my dad had to explain certain things to his mother in law about the way things go in the ceremony. Neither understood why certain things had to be done.

I think after a while my parents did what made them happy. I think they did like you mentioned the U shape thing.

I am noticing now with my own wedding that even though FI and I are both catholic his mom wants to do certain things and my mom wants to do certain things and we want to do things, but in the end we just want us to be happy and not everyone can be pleased and its us what really matters.

I think the only thing everyone so far has agreed on is I want to do 2 very special traditions, the breaking of the glass and the blessing at the reception. It would have been my grandfather who would do the blessing but since he has passed I want my dad to do the blessing and in hebrew. That is the only thing everyone has said is so lovely and will definatly make our day very special.

So since I rambled so much, I will end with its your wedding day. you do what makes you and your FH happy. If you want to do the macarena under the huppah because it will make you happy, then oh heck you do it. Its yours and his day and its what you and him want to do.

I have many issues with my mother in my wedding planning and I know how much it can hurt.

I'm sorry to say I have no advice to offer BUT I will offer you a big to try to help you feel better. Not much comfort but its a start

I'm so sorry to hear that you are under such stress with so little time to go. I think you have done the right thing in emailing the cantor and hopefully he will be able to offer some suggestions on how to deal with your mom. My other suggestion is to perhaps talk to your Dad and see if he can intercede with your mother. I think most Dad's want to see their daughters happy especially on her wedding day. If you explain to him how your mother's actions are hurting you maybe he can help. Are the three of you able to sit down together and talk? With Dad there as a mediator it might make it easier for you to get your points across.

I do hope that all this works out for you soon, so that you don't have anymore added stress this week. Please know that we are all here for you to vent to.

First let me congratulate you for coming so close and making your final payment- congratulations.

I know how stressful it can be. The week before my wedding I wanted to reach across the table and strangle my Mom.. it just happens. There are so many emotions running through everyone's heads and hearts.. Your's, your FH's and your parents.

I can understand both yours and your Mom's points of view. A wedding is a joining of families- and you are doing- and have done- your best to bring the two faiths together. The bringing of 2 familes together is difficult.. let along those of two faiths. This stuff between your parents and in-laws is SO normal.

You are doing your best. Arguing your Mom isn't going to do anything. I had a few hard-core last minute battle royals with my Mom. After a while I sort of just 'yessed' her to death. You aren't going to change your mind... With that said, however, she has no choice but to deal. And you know what? The day of the wedding she will NOT make a stink because she is just going to do what she is supposed to do. And when everyone tells her how beautiful the ceremony is- she will agree or she'll look like an idiot.

So don't stress yourself out any further... it's an emotional time for you AND your Mom.. so let it drop and go with your original plans. Trying to hash it out right now will get you know where especially the week before your wedding! It's too late to change and the emotional currents are super charged.