Relocation??? Would you leave your family for your future family?

I never thought I'd do it again... I lived in Chicago for 3 years... loved it, but moved back due to my mom getting sick. My parent's are talking about moving out of NY anyway in the coming years to retire. They have no mortgage, but $13,000 in taxes in Suffolk which is crazy for them since there kids will all be out within the next year.

Over the weekend FH went visit his brother and SIL in Lancaster, PA - you may know that place as the 'Amish Country'. Yeah, well, FH and I have been very stressed about finances. We both have good jobs, but it's never enough around here. We bought a house - a 3 bedroom ranch about 3 years ago in Nassau County on 40x100 lot and taxes around $6k - definitely no bargain, but today the house would sell for over $100k more than we bought it for... however, even with that if we were to buy a bigger house to start a family we'd be still increasing our mortage and of course the taxes. We both agree, we want/need 5 bedrooms (FH has a son and he works from home and requires a home office), at least 2.5 bathrooms and want a big yard for our kids (plus a pool/deck for us). FH and I always imagined that I would stay home and raise our children, maybe do something p/t, but lately my debts vs. my income just seem so out of sink that I really worry that I will have to work... not to maintain a fancy lifestyle, but to avoid bankruptsy. I have student loans and put a lot of home improvements for this house on credit. In all honesty, and I'm a real estate agent so I get all the info - I don't see us affording such a home and still have me stay home to raise our kids.

So again, over the weekend FH went to an open house with his brother in Lancaster and asked me tonight to consider Manheim Township in Lancaster. We could have one of those huge brick houses that my MOH who lives in Woodbury has, but it would cost less than our house costed 3 years ago. He told me then we can start a family sooner and he would take care of my debt while I stay home and be a f/t mom. I honestly don't want kids if I have to work a 9-5, no offense to anyone who does it... actually, I admire someone who has the stamina to do so... I have enough trouble getting going in the morning without the extra work of children. One of my co-workers is so dranied from coming back to work after having her baby and all she does is miss her baby all day... I can't blame her.

So do I forfeit staying here on LI with the few friends I have, the little family I have left, to move to the boon docks where I know no one (granted I had more friends in Chicago where I once knew no one so I know how to branch out and meet people) except FH's brother and SIL (and for the record... FSIL and I don't get along, we have nothing in common)?

I'm just concerned about decent schools, I don't want FBIL and FSIL to be our only companions (we live a very different lifestyle and are not very compatible - hard to explain on here) and I told FH that if he means what he says about taking on my debt, he'd better be darn sure he can live with it... I don't want to hear 10 years from now about what he had to give up to pay back my student loan while I wasn't working. I want us to be happy, and I personally hate my job, I love my boss, but hate my job, my boss hates our job, everyone at my company seems to be unhappy and looking to make a career change and yet stuck in this. I always thought that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but on the other hand, I've been working since I'm 14 years old and I'm not comfortable asking others for money. I couldn't imagine asking FH for my 'allowance', it just suddenly seemed wierd, but he said that it's what he expected when I became a mom, that I would tend to it f/t. I mean I want to, I hardly have a career at this point, just a job to pay my bills - and actually I work 3 jobs right now - the one that pays my bills 8:30-5:30 every day, teach gymnastics and trying to do Real Estate, so I'm spent! If anything it may give me a fresh start. In PA I can probably use my Master's degree in Higher Ed Administration/Counseling... here on LI the colleges don't pay even close to the menial salary I make at the corporate job I hate. Or maybe I could even go back to school for something else... who knows.

Would you leave LI to make your future family plans easier?

tough decision!! only you know whether it's good to move or not. why not search for all the info on the township in PA and see how it compares financially, culturally, education, etc., etc. to what you are doing now. then weigh out all the options.

moving can be very stressful and it's a HUGE decision to make--but remember that no matter what, friends may come and go, family may stay close or do their own things--but at the end you MUST do what will be best for you, FI, and any future family you plan on having together.

good luck!!!!

I agree 100% with Melissa. In the end it is all about you and your FH.

Moving is a huge undertaking. I've done it many times in my life! I came to GA to go to school and had every intention of moving back to NY. I met my FH and everything changed. I'm very close to my family, but for me, my home is where my FH is (and his 2 children). I mean, I think I could tell you 100 things to think about before you make the decision, but I think the biggest thing, is that you both give it alot of thought. You need to think and do research about jobs, what you're looking for as far as environment (neighborhoods, things to do, etc), schools, etc.

Rob and I moved up to Boston last year to be close to his family. We did it for 6 months. It is just like NY. Way to expensive to live! I was making great money, FH doing good, but it just wasn't enough, so we moved back. I don't regret 1 minute of it though! It was a decision we made together to move up and then return.

Good Luck. If you need to vent or you just want to talk to someone who's been there, just give me a shout! Good Luck. Keep us informed!

you have to do what is best for you.

will you be happier living here and struggling and working while raising a family?

or being there and under less financial stress, but yet happy b/c you will be a full time mom?

financial stress really is awful, you have to do what is best for you, FH and your future kids.

Well, me and FH have been thinking of moving a lot lately. We just haven't figured out were. We are thinking Upstate (Saratoga), North Carolina, Virginia, Tennessee.
We just think of the wonderful life we could have! I love New York, but I am not a career oriented person. I think you have to be to live here. Everyone is always so money hungry and in a rush. I figure if we move, we could have a beautiful house for less. We could have a better life for ourselves and our kids. In our case, my sister and her family, My in laws and my parents, plan to move as well.

What you have to find out is what areas works for you. There are some places I refuse to go, It is just to rustic for me. I need a big town, with shops, mall, big movie theater, golf. You get the idea. A lot of the places we are looking have this. You have to go and travel to Lancaster and stay for a couple of days. Talk to locals, research the school system, Explore. You might hate it!! Or you might love it. You have to go and look yourself. You will make friends, especially when you have kids.
Just remember that once you leave LI, it is hard to come back. (MOney!!!!)

You also have to figure out if you would want to be a Stay at home mother. It doesn't seem like you are 100% about it. If you are committed happy married couple, you shouldn't feel like you are getting an allowance. It should be both your money.

I would love to be a stay at home mom, with a part time job. That will me idle. With my career I can do that!

It is a rough decision!

Well, we were in a sorta similar situation. After FH and I met and started dating we moved in together fairly quickly. Lived together for about 4 years in Queens. FH lost job and I was only bartending at the time and still not done w/ college. We lived in his grandmothers house so the rent was pretty cheap. Something came up in the Pocono area and we moved here. I have no family in NY so no biggie there but he had family there plus ALL our friends live in NY/NJ. Plus we had one hell of a social life going out practically every weekend. IN march of 2004 he decided to take the job and we moved in w/ his parents who also live in PA. After 3 months here we bought our house, It's not a huge house but its got 3 bedrooms and an office plus over 1/2 acre of land! Our taxes are LOW and we live really happy! The move was great at the end. Of course our social life isn't the same, we don't do the things we used to, but we adapted. I love where I live now and I have the peace of mind that my kids will be raised in a safe place and that our taxes will never go up dramatically. Living in NY specially the island is next to impossible for young people to afford these days!!! FH has since started back working in NY for over a year now and the commute is TOUGH for him but by some miracle he makes it!
My advice is embrace change! It looks like you guys are making a smart decision!
Good luck!!!
XOXOXOXO
Kitty

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Posted by AlliNMatt06

Well, me and FH have been thinking of moving a lot lately. We just haven't figured out were. We are thinking Upstate (Saratoga), North Carolina, Virginia, Tennessee.
We just think of the wonderful life we could have! I love New York, but I am not a career oriented person. I think you have to be to live here. Everyone is always so money hungry and in a rush. I figure if we move, we could have a beautiful house for less. We could have a better life for ourselves and our kids. In our case, my sister and her family, My in laws and my parents, plan to move as well.

What you have to find out is what areas works for you. There are some places I refuse to go, It is just to rustic for me. I need a big town, with shops, mall, big movie theater, golf. You get the idea. A lot of the places we are looking have this. You have to go and travel to Lancaster and stay for a couple of days. Talk to locals, research the school system, Explore. You might hate it!! Or you might love it. You have to go and look yourself. You will make friends, especially when you have kids.
Just remember that once you leave LI, it is hard to come back. (MOney!!!!)

You also have to figure out if you would want to be a Stay at home mother. It doesn't seem like you are 100% about it. If you are committed happy married couple, you shouldn't feel like you are getting an allowance. It should be both your money.

I would love to be a stay at home mom, with a part time job. That will me idle. With my career I can do that!

It is a rough decision!

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Wow Tennessee, I thought my FH was the only one who wanted to move there. It is beautiful and a nice way to live but I can't leave my mom so I told him we will get a second home there and when my mom gets older move down there FT. Sounds like a fair deal to me
No offense to anyone, but I can't deal with all the run down trailers, that's not what we see around here and I think it is awful. (not ones that are kept nice)

Thank you all for the input. My only concern is that when FH was in high school in the city - he chose his high school b/c that's where his big brother was in school, he went to the camp he went to b/c his big brother went there, and now he's talking PA, in my mind - b/c his big brother is there. He also has this idea that he can be a small town politician or something and make Lancaster into something great. There is shopping there - but in Macomb, IL (middle of no where) where I did grad school had 'the square' where there were townie shops. There are malls too and all that as well. Lancaster actually does have a tourist market as well - not sure why personally, but it does. People like to see how others live without TV, lights or computers.

I'm not really opposed to moving for all the reasons you guys mentioned. I just feel he's only thinking of this place b/c of his brother. However, he also said that if I find other places that are still only a drive back to the island that are more affordable (he's even open to places here like Manorville, Baiting Hollow, and other places far out in Suffolk to be a little cheaper/lower taxes). He just wants a lot of house for a lot less money. I personally like our little house, but also know that it's just a starter home - it's too small for our needs if we grow our family. I went on the Web site for the school district there in question, I mean, they had a full athletic program. However, I did notice - no offense... a lot of names like Smith... we are Jewish and Italian. Our names show for it too. I've been a victim of prejudice in my life, but I'm not sure that FH understand that outside NY Italians aren't, well, respected in the same way Jews are not (I'm Jewish). I saw that in Illinois. Not sure he'll be able to deal with that. I also remember shipping bagels to Illinois b/c I couldn't get a decent one there. It's just I know what living out of state is like and it wasn't all that, AND I agree... once you leave NY you cannot come back... not easily anyway. I lost a lot of money in the moving back - I had to live with my p's until I met FH.

It is a hard financial burden that falls primarily on him. I have not had the financial comfort to help him with the mortgage. The only other thing I'm concerned about is that right now - his son lives less than 10 miles from us (granted as you all know - that's about 20-30 minutes) and if the boy has a baseball game, FH can go, FH can see his boy whenever he really wants. A while ago when he felt the only way to see him was to have him for a full weekend or not at all, it used to cause a lot of drama between him and his ex. They don't communicate well together (hence they are divorced) and if we are in PA, once again plans will need to be made in advanced and that kind of thing doesn't work well for the 2 of them. I think it's nice that if he wakes up Saturday morning and decides to call his son to see what he's doing, he can imprompto go and see him for a while. I just don't want to see the drama again, not just for us but for his son - it was very rough on him back in the day.

I just wish there was an easier way, as I'm sure you all who are faced with the possibility of relo are feeling too. Long Island Chamber's of Commerce should really pay attention to the fact that this generation of families will have to leave to live a less stressful life. Someone should open their eyes to that and employers should be given some reward for helping people live a decent life here... whose going to be left on LI? The very rich or those who don't mind the struggle. I'm with most of you - why struggle through life if you don't have to - life's too short and children grow up fast, once you miss it it's gone.

me and FH left both our fmilies to move to NC and we have not regretted it for one minute. You need to do what is right for you. And since we moved, my mom has since moved to Georgia and his parents are moving to Charlotte next year.

FH and I had this discussion before we were even engaged and made the decision that we want a house, and a nice one at that , which won't put us in debt for the rest of our lives. So we have made the decision that we are moving to PA. We are leaning towards the poconos which is only two hours from my parents in Bethpage. We have been making many trips down there to look around and get of idea of what towns we like. We also wouldn't be far from the NJ border which is better in LI for FH finding a job in his field. So I would recommend taking some weekend trips down there see what you think of it and see if you like it.

As far shopping in Lancaster they do have a large outlet mall there.

There are lots of places you can move and get more for your money, you don't have to go to Lancaster. (Although I feel compelled to mention that Lancaster is really beautiful - nice area!) I understand your not wanting FH to just go where his big brother is - that's a definite pattern for him.

DH and I live in New Castle County, DE, and we get LOTS more for our money. We're about an hour from just about everything - Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Atlantic City. The only bad thing here is that the schools are awful, so we'll either move or send our kids to private school when it's time.

I completely agree also that Long Island's biggest mistake is not caring about its future families who have to struggle to get by there. That's one of the reasons I was so eager to leave (and seriously, when you are clamoring to move to DELAWARE, that's a problem).

I say move, but move somewhere on YOUR and FH's Terms, not Big Brother's.

Your concerns are 100% valid. It’s never an easy decision to leave loved one’s and friends when you move out of state.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision!

Sounds like you dont want to move. My Fh family is from PA too---money or no money, I know I would NEVER be happy there.
You need to realize its a huge decision and your happiness is ultimately the happiness in your marriage and the happiness of your children

I hear you on this! FH & I cannot get over the prices of houses on LI. We are thinking of moving up to Orange County - quite a bit of a commute - but no worse then commuting from out east. It's just that to see my family it would take me 1.5 hours or more. I can handle that - I'm already an hour away living in the city. But my mom is the one with giving me a problem about it. I'm an only child, so she understandably doesn't want me 'far away'...but she doesn't quite grasp that even with help, we cannot afford to live on LI. And I refuse to pay $400,000 for a 'starter home'. No way. Although Orange County isn't cheap, it's wayyyy cheaper then LI and we already have friends up there. Otherwise, FH suggested the Poconos...but I'd rather stay in New York State.

It's a very tough decision - but LI is just unbearable cost wise.

We doubt we'll ever afford a house here. My FH's family is from the Bronx, and I'm from Rochester. We've lived in various places. I even lived in Iowa, so I hear ya about that town in Illinois! Only you know what's best.

That's a tough one to know whether he wants to go only because of his brother. I used to live near there and found it a bit small and boring. What about around Binghamton or Albany? Those are still close enough to drive to LI, and Binghamton is kinda close to his brother.

Seems like you really need to talk with your FH. If moving there is only about money, then I'd rethink it. You also need to like the area and feel comfortable there. We are looking at Albany for numerous reasons. It would put us in the middle of our families, is cheaper, and we like the area. But we've done a lot of research. We also need to see what opens for FH in his field.

You just need to sit down with FH and make a list of the pros and cons. TALK!

Good luck!

We've considered moving, but I want to stay in the NY/NJ/CT area, partly to be closer to our parents because when we do have kids I want them to have a close relationship with their grandparents.

That said, I work in a public college on Long Island and make more than any of my friends working for private companies on Long Island (I took a cut working for a Wall Street firm in the city, but cutting the commute was wonderful). I've been doing this for 5 years and have a master's and part of a doctorate in higher ed., but the money is definitely there if you get started. The problem is most of the higher jobs require 3-5 years experience, which would be a problem if you don't have the experience. I spent a summer in Lancaster working at Franklin and Marshall College, and the pace was a little too slow for me. I prefer upstate NY (someone else mentioned Saratoga, which I love), NJ, and CT.