Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

I have a 19 year old step-niece (she's been part of our family since she was 3) who is a troubled kid. She's into all that doom and gloom stuff her generation seems to be caught up in right now. Suicide, darkness, the works. On top of that, she's not really super-bright and below the mark in maturity. She graduated late from her class, gives her mother the hardest time at home, etc. She refused to get a job after graduation, never cleans up after herself, is terribly bad with hygeine, etc. She's unappreciative, unmotivated, and belligerent. I've always had a big sister relationship with her; I always wanted to get her on the positive track and have gone the extra mile for her whenever she needed it. Anyway, there was a big blowup between her and her parents recently. Her mood has been horrendous lately due to the re-appearance of her biological father in her life after a 16 year absence with NO contact from him at all. She left home and lived at random places for a week (her friend's house, a few cars, etc.). She's now living at a halfway house/shelter in Wantagh I recommended to her. She was, what appeared to me trying to get her life in order. She got a job, etc. But her belligerent tone hadn't died down. There's always been problems between SIL and niece, there's just a bad mix there. Anyway, SIL truly does love niece and has gone the extra mile to be understanding and has bought her many things she needs (since she left home with nothing). The only time niece will call home is when she 'needs' something and then she's all nice and loving. Once she gets it, she thinks she can say and do what she pleases to her parents. When she first left home, I gave her money and stuff to get her by. Even after she moved into the shelter, I still supported her. Anyway, a day or so ago she called her mom again, all nice saying 'Mommy, I need money - I don't get paid for another week and I need things for work and for personal reasons'. Not wanting to give her money (we're all concerned where the money is going since her boyfriend is a known drug abuser) she 'bought' her what she said she needed. Anyway, SIL met with her and the kid freaked out on her; calling her all sorts of vicious names, practically abusing her mother because she didn't bring cash. She grabbed the items like a mugger and took off. That same evening, she emails me and tells me how 'horrible' her mother was to her and how she needs my help. I smell manipulation so I call SIL and she fills me in. I got so worked up over the situation, I told the kid I was done with her.

Last night she leaves me a voicemail on my cell that she's taking my brother and SIL to court for support, because she's under 21 and that's the law. I emailed her back and told her she was dead to me if she was going to persue litigation against my brother; the only father she's known and who has provided for her ungrateful ass for the last 16 years!

I feel so torn. I know at some point everyone has to cut the cord, but it makes me so upset that she seems to take one step forward, two steps back and always shoots herself in the foot! No one in the family wants any sort of involvement with her at this point and I've specifically been asked by my brother not to communicate or support her anymore. I feel like I'm throwing her away (sort of) but at some point, don't you wake up and get your life in check?!? I don't understand....

Also, is there any legal professionals out there that know family law concerning support of minor children under 21?

Thanks for letting me vent...

I am not a lawyer and don't know much about this...

but I don't think she can sue them unless she is enrolled in college...

N.Y. Do . Re. Law § 240(1-b)(c )(7) provides that the court may award educational expenses, such as for college or private school or for special enriched education. A parent may not, however, be directed to pay child support and/or contribute toward college education expenses for a child who is 21 years of age or older absent express agreement to do so. See Setford v. Cavanaugh, 175 A.D.2d 665, 572 N.Y.S.2d 591 (1991).

I don't know of any legal advice or places for you, however, it does seem like enough is enough and like this girl is certainly taking advantage of everyone.

I am not saying to throw her away, but there comes a time where you need to stop helping her. She needs to see with no help, she needs to straighten up her act and get her life in order.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I really hope everything works out for the best!

your niece may be right....after further research

ets: but I'm sure that would be living under the rules of her parents...and she could not sue for money...just to be supported...and to live in their house...but better check with a lawyer

Wow i dont think u are throwing her away. I think she needs to learn something here. Im not a lawyer but I coud Swear that once ure 18 ure parents are no longer responsible for u.....



Im sorry u are going trough this

Check TBR

That just perfect- the only person that she trusts and you say She is Dead to You Has anyone ever considered the fact that this child is probably suffering from a mental illness? Sounds like she might be in real need a mental health evaluation. She could have a chemical inbalance that causes her to act in these ways. Often families just think a kid is 'troubled' or a 'bad mix'- and you know what...when you think that way ...you just might what you believe. How about trying to help her, not with money but with sound medical advice and bring her to a doctor. Your SIL and brother are no longer responsible for her if she is over 18, unless she was in College, then they would probably have to continue her support. But I am NO legal expert.

I highly suggest that you do not cut her off in your life and take sides right now. You will feel awful if you cut her off and she has no where to turn or it turns out that she has a medical condition that needs treatment.
JMO

On Michele's idea...you may be able to get someone in a hospital for a 24 hour evaluation...where they can extend it if they think its necessary...


and just looking around...it seems that NYS is 21...school or not...while other states are 18/19

sorry to hear about this - i think the decision is ultimately up to you and we really can't say since we have not been in your shoes the past 19 years of her life...you sound as if you have done so much for her but like was already said, you can't 'enable' her either - she may need help but until she is truly ready to ge that help, it may be in your best option to cut her off...a simialr situation happened w/ fh's cousin and his dad - always needing money, etc from him....its very hard to do, but sometimes for the best....its not fair for your life to be ruined/disrupted/either and trust me, it can get dangerous if the wrong crowds are invovled as well...

good luck!!

You're entitled to your opinion Michele, but this 'child' has gone through therapists like water, chemical imbalance testing, you name it. You know what the 'professionals' say? She's a sociopath! Good to know, when my brother has a small child in the house who the 19 year old likes to hurt physically.

It's not like this decision was easily made on any side and SHE is the one who left her home because she couldn't conform to basic rules, like not having her drug induced boyfriend sleep over and a curfew of 1:00 a.m.!!! I'm not going to let her, regardless of age, manipulate me into giving her financial support when she continually makes poor choices. It's like for the life of her, she can't freakin' conform and just act 'normal'.

Everyone has tried to work with her, but if she doesn't get her way, she curses you out or does spiteful things like call Social Services on her parents. She's told them repeatedly that she's being abused (which she's not) and they come and investigate because there is a baby in the house.

So yeah, if she can't get her perverbial s*&% together, she IS dead to me because I'm not going to let her steamroll over my brother and his family anymore....

Thanks for your opinion anyway....

Sometimes, as much as you love someone, it's best for all parties involved to cut people out- to protect the sanity and safety of your family and to give your neice a reality check. Especially if there are younger children in the house who can't protect themselves.

I hope things work out.

Shamee....I have a friend who's sister is going through the same thing as your neice and it wasn't until the family stopped playing into her manipulations and letting her call the shots that she it rock bottom and had to climb out herself....
Good for you for realizing what she is doing to you and your family and not standing for it....
I know if she asked you for dinner you would feed her, if she asked you for clothes, you would cloth her....but when she asks for money??? She can work for it herself.....

Thanks to you ladies for your support and you are right Sage and that's what I've been doing. I bought her a bunch of clothes and gave her $$$ for food because I didn't want her starving and her dead-beat friends weren't offering any support other than the backseat of their cars. I wasn't going to give her a place to sleep because again, she left a perfectly comfortable home for no other reason than she wanted to live rule-free. Literally I handed her $65 for food on Tuesday of last week and by Wed, she was calling her mother for $25 because she 'borrowed' money from her roomate at the shelter! ***? Where did the $65 go to? And at that point, the State was feeding her.

I'd hate to think I enabled her to have a pot free for all with her boyfriend.

The law in NY is 21, whether or not she is in college.

Sorry about this, I really hope she straightens out!

Shamee, I can totally relate to your situation. My younger brother is a heroine addict. It is possible that is a 'recovering' heroine addict at the moment, because that status is in constant flux. He also went through every kind of mental and physical evluation possible and he has never been diagnosed with anything. Sociopath seems about accurate, though.

Unfortunatley, according to NYS law, parents are on the hook until the child is 21. My parents referred to my brother's 21st b-day as Independance Day! The worst thing about it was that he KNEW they couldn't kick him out even if they wanted to so he made everyone else miserable with total immunity. Well, not total, because I called the police whenever he stole anything that belonged to me.

While I totally respect Michele's opinion, I disagree that there is anything that you or your family can do. It sounds like she may be battling her own addiction issues becuase that is exactly how my brother behaved. He is 24 now and my parents actually got a restraining order against him several months ago because they just couldn't take the constant demands for money and the threats that followed if they wouldn't give it to him.

Your niece is an adult and the only person who can save her now is herself. I still pray everyday that my brother will turn his life around and I will welcome him with open arms when he does, but I know that I have done EVERYTHING over the years that I could do and so has my family.

It isn't legal advice, but I think that the only thing that you can do for your niece now is to NOT be an enabler.

I know how tough this can be so here are some
for you!

Wow.. what a sad story.. sorry to hear you have to deal with this.

If 21 is the legal age which parents must supply support for then it's the law.. but if they are legally responsible for her well being can't they put into a hospital until she's of age to get herself out? Commit her as it were?

I know a friend of mine who sued his parents to gain independence from them. At that point he ran his own life. Imancipation or something.

Either way.. as a step child myself.. I know that my dear beloved pyshco mother is penniless on purpose. She as a person has no money, so she says, because she owes me nearly $7k in child support. I can't touch my step father's money (wouldnt want it). Since im not legally adopted by him, I am technically not his legal or financial responsibility. I say this prehaps for support and help of your brother.

I understand how diffiuclt this situation is for you and your family. Having lived through similar circumstances, I whole-heartedly agree with everything that Becky said. Kids (or even adults) that are addicts do not have people they 'trust.' They know exactly who to manipulate and when - and they always have an alterior motive.

I am so sorry this happening to your family.