Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

Original post by Shamee

Sep 17, 2003 02:20 PM

I have a 19 year old step-niece (she's been part of our family since she was 3) who is a troubled kid. She's into all that doom and gloom stuff her generation seems to be caught up in right now. Suicide, darkness, the works. On top of that, she's not really super-bright and below the mark in maturity. She graduated late from her class, gives her mother the hardest time at home, etc. She refused to get a job after graduation, never cleans up after herself, is terribly bad with hygeine, etc. She's unappreciative, unmotivated, and belligerent. I've always had a big sister relationship with her; I always wanted to get her on the positive track and have gone the extra mile for her whenever she needed it. Anyway, there was a big blowup between her and her parents recently. Her mood has been horrendous lately due to the re-appearance of her biological father in her life after a 16 year absence with NO contact from him at all. She left home and lived at random places for a week (her friend's house, a few cars, etc.). She's now living at a halfway house/shelter in Wantagh I recommended to her. She was, what appeared to me trying to get her life in order. She got a job, etc. But her belligerent tone hadn't died down. There's always been problems between SIL and niece, there's just a bad mix there. Anyway, SIL truly does love niece and has gone the extra mile to be understanding and has bought her many things she needs (since she left home with nothing). The only time niece will call home is when she 'needs' something and then she's all nice and loving. Once she gets it, she thinks she can say and do what she pleases to her parents. When she first left home, I gave her money and stuff to get her by. Even after she moved into the shelter, I still supported her. Anyway, a day or so ago she called her mom again, all nice saying 'Mommy, I need money - I don't get paid for another week and I need things for work and for personal reasons'. Not wanting to give her money (we're all concerned where the money is going since her boyfriend is a known drug abuser) she 'bought' her what she said she needed. Anyway, SIL met with her and the kid freaked out on her; calling her all sorts of vicious names, practically abusing her mother because she didn't bring cash. She grabbed the items like a mugger and took off. That same evening, she emails me and tells me how 'horrible' her mother was to her and how she needs my help. I smell manipulation so I call SIL and she fills me in. I got so worked up over the situation, I told the kid I was done with her.

Last night she leaves me a voicemail on my cell that she's taking my brother and SIL to court for support, because she's under 21 and that's the law. I emailed her back and told her she was dead to me if she was going to persue litigation against my brother; the only father she's known and who has provided for her ungrateful ass for the last 16 years!

I feel so torn. I know at some point everyone has to cut the cord, but it makes me so upset that she seems to take one step forward, two steps back and always shoots herself in the foot! No one in the family wants any sort of involvement with her at this point and I've specifically been asked by my brother not to communicate or support her anymore. I feel like I'm throwing her away (sort of) but at some point, don't you wake up and get your life in check?!? I don't understand....

Also, is there any legal professionals out there that know family law concerning support of minor children under 21?

Thanks for letting me vent...

butterfly20 Posted: Sep 17, 2003 06:23 PM

Re: Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

that must be really tough for you, i couldnt even imagine being in your place...
im with xedendria(sp?)... in saying if they have to support her until shes 21 then ( but i think its only shelter until 18yo??)... then they should get her medically evaluated and probably put away somewhere, it seems like she might qualify for it(drugs running away etc).

goldilocks Posted: Sep 17, 2003 06:51 PM

Re: Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

Shamee what a tough position you're in!! Unfortunatley at her age, she's aged out of any situation where she can be forced to participate in, and too young to get her parents off the responsibility hook.
A hospital will not admit her unless she's a danger to herself or someone else. Unless there's something else about her behavior, it doesn't sound like she'll qualify.
3 years ago you guys could have filed a PINS and have put her in 'placement' at a residential facility or in foster care. At 19 it's too late for that.
At this point, she needs to WANT help. It doesn't sound like she's there.

I wouldn't have cut her OUT, but I would cut her OFF. If and when she needs you, let her know you will be there to talk, etc., but that you aren't going to help her, either financially or materially, unless she cleans up her act.
And stick to it. Tell her she needs professional help and when she's ready for it, you'll help her get it. But when she asks for stuff, it's not helping her.

Good luck.

Shamee Posted: Sep 17, 2003 07:19 PM

Re: Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

Thank you Becky for sharing that personal story.

And thank you Goldilocks - I'll f/m you back tomorrow.

We did look into PINS but my SIL got cold feet and didn't want to give up on her daughter, even though she called the cops and lied/said she was being beaten, when really my SIL was stopping her going out and hanging out with a bad crowd one night. What a scene! A year later, not much has changed.

She is a danger to herself and she hangs out with some bizzare people. I came across a disk of hers that has pictures of her and her friends doing self-mutilization - she cut the word FREAK into her arm and one of her guy friends slashed his wrist, while her friends stand around and laugh. I mean REALLY sick stuff. Yet I asked her about it and she blows it off like it's yesterday's news.

I can't believe this is the same kid that I tried to teach how to drive, roller skate, who I spent endless hours doing things like taking her to amusement parks; camping, trips, etc. Talking to her and giving her encouragement and someone who she could confide in that wouldn't be judgemental. I would have done anything for her and would give anything now just to have her 'normal' - not this unpredictable creature. It kills me and breaks my heart to see what she's become and how much damage she inflicts on her family. What she's doing to her future. I can only imagine what her mother is feeling - she totally blames herself.

I wish to God she was still that little pig-tailed girl I used to beg me to take her to Spaceplex every weekend!

michele31 Posted: Sep 17, 2003 07:32 PM

Re: Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

I do hope that your neice finds some way out of this behavior. If she has been truly diagnosed a sociapath shouldn't there be some kind of help for her? I mean, that is a REAL problem, not just her trying to be a pain or get her way, right?

Now if drugs are involved then I agree that she needs to be cut-off before she can hit rock bottom and only she can want to climb back up.

Maybe instead of 'dead to me' you can say 'when you decide that you want to be a part of the family and not be self destructive let me know'. I just think 'dead to me' is so final and could drive someone over the edge- which is never a good thing.

But I am sorry that your whole family has to have so much chaos right now.

Shamee Posted: Sep 17, 2003 07:52 PM

Re: Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

Again, we've tried that approach and since she has no respect for anyone (probably not even me), she could care less if she's a part of the family or not. I believe she's not a bonded person and I truly wonder if she's capable of love. She's been in several therapy programs and had a short stay in a facility for about a week. But the atmosphere there was more dangerous than she was (open access to drugs, sex, the like), so they took her out of there. It's not like she goes around like an axe murderer and we can't be 100% certain she is doing drugs, but all indications lead to that. She's got layers of layers of issues that not even the 'professionals' could figure out. And she is VERY clever. We didn't discover alot of what was going on until after she left. She would take apart stereo equipment (and the like), gut them and hide some of her more disturbed disks/poems, etc. inside of them. Probably drugs too, but we haven't unscrewed every appliance in the house. What would drive someone to do that?!? I know her mother (like all) was a little overbearing and she did have a tough time adjusting to her father's disappearance from her life, but my best friend was raped by her father from the time she was 2 and she overcame her childhood trauma.

Claud2001 Posted: Sep 17, 2003 09:47 PM

Re: Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

OMG, Sharon. Your last sentence about your best friend is dreadful and horribly sad. I am so sorry for her suffering

I have seen the behavior that your niece is exhibiting...the crafty 'hiding' of things; the manipulation; the lies; stealing; the fierce temper, etc.
Obviously, she does have issues...but, I do not think that it's impossible for her to be helped. I think she just has not hit rock bottom yet. A person needs to WANT help before it will do them any bit of good. Before then, it's just lip service.
I agree w/Michele that saying 'dead to me' is very harsh....but, I don't think saying 'when you're ready....' will really get through to her in a meaningful way right now either. Drug/sex addicts and those with mental/emotional problems really do not listen to or mentally process anything that anyone else says or does...they live inside their own minds and have their own agenda that is driven purely from their own personal turmoil.

I wish you and your family strength....it takes a strong fortitude to give the 'tough love' treatment.

Becky Posted: Sep 18, 2003 08:12 AM

Re: Repost from TBR: Need some legal advice, I cut off my niece.....

While I believe that some young people are a product of their environment, there are others who can grow up in a safe, loving, nuturing environment and still have the kind of issues that your niece does. I know that I could not have asked for more loving parents. We had some financial problems because I am the oldest of seven, but my parents always managed to make sure that we didn't want for anything. Somehow, my youngest brother chose his own self-destructive path and even though my parents are forever trying to find the reason WHY he turned out so differently, there just is no answer. Out of the seven there are two lawyers, two teachers, two still in college and then one heroine addict who has been in and out of troube since he was a kid.

Shamee, I don't think there is a thing that you could have done that would have changed the choices that your niece has made and there is nothing that you can do to prevent her from making similar choices in the future. The best that you can do is to keep your heart open to her when and if she turns things around for herself.