RP from '07 boards: need advice

I know I haven't posted in a while (and I am STILL working on my review!) but it has been really busy since the wedding.

I feel like I only seem to post whenever I need advice..but you ladies have been so great that I'm going to ask again! So here goes:

As a background: I have had a really bad time at work in the last few months..mainly stemming from my bosses lack of honesty, respect and loyalty to me. I am a very loyal and honest person and trust is the thing that I value most. I feel like I can't trust anyone at work, which may be why I reacted to my husband in the following way:

I am financially sound (fortunately) and have never had to worry about not being able to pay rent or bills etc. My husband has never had that luxury. He became fiscally responsible for his check-bouncing, out for herself mother and brother when he was 24 (10 years ago) and got deeply into debt because of it. I can understand that...and I love him dearly because he did do everything he could for them. We've had many talks about the finance issue since he was never open about how bad it was. I spent countless hours figuring out repayment plans for him and his family and creating budgets etc. I even let him settle his major outstanding loans with our wedding money. The only thing I asked of him in return is that he pay back our savings and that he be honest with me from now on.

Well...this weekend, I discovered that he had overdrawn his account (we have separate finances) and didn't tell me...even when he had an opportunity. I feel like he betrayed me by keeping that secret. The only thing I have ever asked of him is honesty and he betrayed that. I feel like I've lost trust in him...even though he's done everything he can since then to be open and tell me about his finances.
I'm just not sure if I can regain my trust in him. I suggested going to a marriage counsellor and he agreed.

Do you girls think we should go to counselling? Any ideas on what I should do?

Thanks for listening!

Absolutely go to counseling, it will nip this in the bud and help you communicate better and help rebuild the trust.

I overdrew my account once and didn't tell my DH (FH at the time) he saw it on a statement. I said yeah. Then we had a long talk about building credit and if I needed money to just ask him. It wasn't that I was afraid to ask, it was that I wasn't paying attention to my account.

Sometimes people just make mistakes, but I do think counseling can help.

I hate to be the devil's advocate but I think he was probably embarrassed and that's why he didn't tell you. Maybe in a few days, you'll feel a little less emotional about this.

Personally, I think marriage counseling for it is overkill. I understand that you are hurt, I do, but implying that you can never trust him again is a little much. It was a bounced check and it was irresponsible but it wasn't adultery. I would cut the kid a break.

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Posted by carolinebr

I hate to be the devil's advocate but I think he was probably embarrassed and that's why he didn't tell you. Maybe in a few days, you'll feel a little less emotional about this.

Personally, I think marriage counseling for it is overkill. I understand that you are hurt, I do, but implying that you can never trust him again is a little much. It was a bounced check and it was irresponsible but it wasn't adultery. I would cut the kid a break.

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ITA..
I'm sure he was just embarrassed about the whole thing, and didn't want you to be upset with him. That being said, he should have told you after you asked him about it, so you do have a right to be upset.

I did offer to handle his finances....and 'm paying all of the household expenses, and the mortgage. It's not the money that upsets me as much as the lack of openness and honesty.

I am as supportive of him as I can possibly be...including staying up with him until 3 am (when I get up to go to work at 6) and editing/rewriting his papers for his MBA. All I have asked in return is honesty and that's what I can't get past.

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Posted by carolinebr

I hate to be the devil's advocate but I think he was probably embarrassed and that's why he didn't tell you. Maybe in a few days, you'll feel a little less emotional about this.

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I do agree that maybe he was embarrassed. My FH has the same problem and its very hard on our relationship because I save everything and he thinks that there will always be another pay check.

I asked him if I could hold on to his checks so I can distribute money to bills and things and what is left over 1/2 will go into savings and 1/2 will be his to use.

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Posted by wo0shply

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Posted by carolinebr

I hate to be the devil's advocate but I think he was probably embarrassed and that's why he didn't tell you. Maybe in a few days, you'll feel a little less emotional about this.

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I do agree that maybe he was embarrassed. My FH has the same problem and its very hard on our relationship because I save everything and he thinks that there will always be another pay check.

I asked him if I could hold on to his checks so I can distribute money to bills and things and what is left over 1/2 will go into savings and 1/2 will be his to use.

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Did he agree to that? My Dh offered to have me keep his debit card and just give him cash as an allowance. I really don't want it to be about the money, I want to resolve the issue of trust