Sensitive issue

thelastresort Posted: Apr 03, 2006 10:52 AM

Sensitive issue

I need some advice on this issue...My FH and I both have great jobs. However, my job is entirely 'on the books' while his is not. I want a pre-nup. It's not that I anticipate anything bad happening, but I would rather err on the side of caution. I brought this up, and he totally flipped. Obviously we both love each other very much, otherwise we wouldn't be together. That being said, when things don't work out in a marriage, it gets ugly. Combine hard feelings with a pitt bull attorney, all of a sudden a divorce turns into a monetary transaction. I'm definitely on the losing end of the stick. Has anyone had a prenup talk with a FH? If so, how was it brought up and dealt with without fangs and claws being brought out?

mrsh2b Posted: Apr 03, 2006 11:56 AM

Re: Sensitive issue

Why don't you consult with an attorney to get a good opinion on this? Then, if you still feel strongly about getting a prenup, sit him down and explain to him why you feel that way. Hear him out also.

sr081906 Posted: Apr 03, 2006 12:02 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I had a pre-nup on first marriage. Best thing I ever had. Of course, I lost some money on the divorce but I did not lose my shirt.

You can explain that it is a 'guarantee' for both of you. That if something were to happen (bankrupcy, etc), both your income/credit would not be affected.

Good luck! It is hard to explain. Some people think it's a lack of trust. Most divorce attorneys will tell you that a marriage is really a business deal where love/emotion comes in the way and makes you take decisions that may impact your future financials.

mskittynj Posted: Apr 03, 2006 12:38 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

Wow, that is tought to talk about. If you feel strongly about it I would def. pursue it! Tell him not that you expect your marriage to fail, but life is very unpredictable and both of you would be protected. I would really stick to your guns though. Because WE NEVER KNOW. Life is crazy! Good luck!
XOXOXO
Kitty

BlueTulip Posted: Apr 03, 2006 01:38 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I have no words of wisdom, just want to wish you luck. In the same circumstances I would probably want one too.

Rachel1013 Posted: Apr 03, 2006 01:52 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I think you should go with your gut. If you feel it's necessary to get a prenup then you should do it. I know it's a sensitive issue, but he should understand where you're coming from. Don't let him talk you out of it.

abs711 Posted: Apr 03, 2006 02:40 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I have a couple of friends that are unfortunatly going thru very bad divorces. I think this is a great idea. In both situations there is one person that worked off the books. I definately agree with having one. For me were both broke and make the same $$ so not an issue. But I keep telling FH I wish we can make up a divorce just in case -while we still adore one another. As horrible as it sounds and as much as we do not plan to be divorced - some things are easier and more fare when you love one another.

stephanielyse Posted: Apr 03, 2006 02:47 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I wish I had advice for you on how to bring the issue up with FH without upsetting him. Unfortunately being asked to sign a prenup isn't a fun thing. But I think you're right that you should have one. If either FH or I had any assets to protect I'd want one. I just wanted to support you and tell you that I think you're making the right choice. Hopefully in the long run it won't matter if you have one or not, but you should have one just in case.

teany Posted: Apr 06, 2006 05:45 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I just wanted to add -- buy a copy of the book 'Prenups for Lovers.' It has really good things to say about why they are a good idea for anyone and advice on how to handle a discussion about one. Have him read it too.

Blu-ize Posted: Apr 06, 2006 06:03 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

If you're both employed and self sufficient and down the road happen to divorce-why would a pre-nup be necessary? Alimony would not come into play.

Now if you had kids, that's another story and I could see why.

JLP Posted: Apr 06, 2006 07:00 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

Posted by Blu-ize

If you're both employed and self sufficient and down the road happen to divorce-why would a pre-nup be necessary? Alimony would not come into play.

Since his job is off the books, on paper it looks like she is the only one working. Therefore, if they divorce, she will have to pay maintenence. If he can't show an income, she gets shafted.

Captsarkasm Posted: Apr 06, 2006 08:04 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

Personally.....I take the stance that a pre-nup is basically setting your marriage up to fail...but in your case, I would say it might be something to look into. Only because he is not on the books....and again, if something were to happen (and he still has an off the books job at that point), you would appear to be the sole bread winner. Good luck with the decision....that has to be rough!!

transamgirlie Posted: Apr 06, 2006 08:12 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I agree it's something to sit down and talk about. You should pick up that book that was mentioned too - it could help w/the discussion. I understand where you are coming from.

chapel06 Posted: Apr 06, 2006 08:28 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I think if he really loves you he will sign it, it may take some deep conversations, but if you feel strongly about it dont give up. And if he feels like there is no reason for one because he loves you and you'll never get divorced, then all it will be is a piece of paper and you will never have to use it.

bride2b24 Posted: Apr 06, 2006 08:37 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

i thiink that is a very sensitive subject....and i see both of your sides....if i were you i would want to protect myself....if i were him i would wonder WHY. ....you wanted to .......i guess the best thing you could do is be totally honest with him and hope for the best. good luck!

becca888 Posted: Apr 06, 2006 08:40 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

Posted by JLP

Posted by Blu-ize

Since his job is off the books, on paper it looks like she is the only one working. Therefore, if they divorce, she will have to pay maintenence. If he can't show an income, she gets shafted.

I have no experience with this, but is that true? If one partner was unemployed, or showed no income, or less income, the other has to pay 'maintenance'? How much and for how long?

I thought in NY State, it was no-fault and you only got $$ if there were children and you couldn't work b/c of that?

Tracy&Brian Posted: Apr 06, 2006 08:49 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

I know a couple that recently divorced and even though the husband made a lot of money 'off the books' the wife's lawyers were able to prove that he was making this money and he had to pay more in child support and alimony. Apparently it doesnt matter if you hide your earnings if you have a good enough lawyer to dig deep enough.

afrodyt2000 Posted: Apr 06, 2006 08:56 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

Posted by becca888

Posted by JLP

Posted by Blu-ize

Since his job is off the books, on paper it looks like she is the only one working. Therefore, if they divorce, she will have to pay maintenence. If he can't show an income, she gets shafted.

I have no experience with this, but is that true? If one partner was unemployed, or showed no income, or less income, the other has to pay 'maintenance'? How much and for how long?

I thought in NY State, it was no-fault and you only got $$ if there were children and you couldn't work b/c of that?

yes NY is no fault but you can still get maintenance and half of all marital property, even a pension plan or retirement plan can be considered marital property. Maintenance is not about children, that's what child support is. Maintenance is for the spouse and sometimes one spouse (usually the one with less assets on his or her own) can argue for maintenance because he/she has grown accustomed to the life that was present during the marriage. You definitely get more $$ if there are kids though.

kaybeeber Posted: Apr 06, 2006 08:59 PM

Re: Sensitive issue

My FH is off the books and I am not. He brings home more money than I do, but I don't feel I need a pre-nup, even though it may not be the 'smartest' thing to do. Realistically, marriage is a risk, people change, things happen....hey, I'm not saying it couldn't happen to me...I just don't think the pre-nup would be necessary.

But, I say if you need to feel comfortable to move into marraige, go for it. Its more about security than anything.
Good luck.