Should I be cheap?

Scoop Posted: May 16, 2003 12:44 PM

Should I be cheap?

I know it's not about the $$ but a couple came to my wedding and gave us a gift that was well...way below the standard norm. Now it's our turn to go to their wedding. Should I give the same amount (I will feel extremely cheap if I do) or should I bite the bullett and give what I normally would?

ChristineC68 Posted: May 16, 2003 12:45 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I would probably be the better person and give a gift as you normally would. Maybe back it off by $25 to make you feel better though

Misty Posted: May 16, 2003 12:45 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

If they didn't feel cheap doing it to you, odds are they won't notice if you do it to them!

Sassyz75 Posted: May 16, 2003 12:46 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I say bite the bullet & be the better person

Lisa Rose Posted: May 16, 2003 12:47 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I would normally say tit for tat...but I think that you should give what you normally do if you can afford it. You do not know the couples financial problems. Maybe that was all they could afford to give you that week. We got some gifts from people that were a little small but we were still glad that the people could come and give us something. You never know what's in people's wallets.

shelzyp Posted: May 16, 2003 12:47 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I wouldn't give them what you would normally give, but more then what they did!!!

Annemarie13 Posted: May 16, 2003 01:04 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I am spiteful and the rule is you give what you get!!!

allure Posted: May 16, 2003 01:07 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I say stick to who you are,there could of been many reasons why they were below
Dont let money get the best of you

Rob-luvs-me Posted: May 16, 2003 01:31 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

Before I would decide to give them less I would ask myself a few questions.

1) is there a reason they might have only had this amount to give (i.e they are students, one of them lost their job and they need every penny to pay their mortgage..etc)

2) Do they make considerable less than you? Maybe that is all they can afford and it was a generous gift to them. That is one reason I have a problem with you should give X amount - if you make 100,000 a year X amount will be MUCH greater than someone who is only making 30,000 a year. (often I go out with friends who are different places in their lives financially - dinner and a movie or going a fancy place is common place to one friend - but would cause another not to be able to eat for a month)

3) Did they give you the gift to be malicious or to tell you that they don't care about you?

Depending on what you answer is to those questions might help you answer.

Also think about where these people are from and their background. I have spoken to many people and they have never heard of giving someone the amount that their paid for you - a number of people told me that thought that it was crass and tacky to do that. You should give as much as you can afford and that is it plain an simple. Outside NY it is considered inappropriate to give money - usually only family does that. It is more traditional to give gifts. Maybe these people are not used to what some people consider 'tradition'. That is why only you can say if their gift was appropriate or not - maybe they thought they were being generous and since they were not used to giving money it seemed generous to them.

Sorry this is so long - but this is JMO. take it with a shaker of salt if you want

Thrilled Posted: May 16, 2003 01:35 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

Be the bigger person and give the proper gift.

Lunatrek Posted: May 16, 2003 01:38 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

Wow that last response was great! So true... it's funny how different traditions are. I have a very good friend who is Chinese, and she said no one ever gives gifts, even at showers, they just give money. Chinese weddings are also huge banquets, too.. like 24 courses or something. They'd have to roll me out of the reception hall for that one!

This is a great topic, though... at first I felt like I would give them less too, but then when I read the last response I had second thoughts. It's always good to give other people the benefit of the doubt.

FutureMrsT has a great picture in her profile, it is very fitting for this thread! I already complimented her on it

Fran M Posted: May 16, 2003 01:43 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I wouldn't give much more than they gave. I wouldn't want them to look back and say we gave them too little or anything like that.

What-Now Posted: May 16, 2003 01:44 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

What would everyone say is the appropriate amount?

Scoop Posted: May 16, 2003 01:50 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

Thank you for all your responses...I was leaning towards giving what I normally give but just wanted some opinions. The couple is very well off which is why I found it a bit odd and although we are not the best of friends, we do hang out in the same circles and get together every so often.

My husband says we should give what they gave us...but I'm thinking we will give more. Thanks again for your help.

Jordan Posted: May 16, 2003 01:53 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

My FHs cousin gave $75 (she came with a date) to my FHs brother for his wedding...FHs brother & wife gave the same amount back to the cousin when she wed. The cousin comes from money and my FHs SIL felt it was rude - then again my FHs SIL is spiteful.

I would give what you *want* to give and wouldn't let anything else dictate that.

wacky Posted: May 16, 2003 01:55 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

Give the standard if you can. I dont know maybe they were really in a pinch. Someone elses standards are may not all be the same.

JMO

Alvatorre74 Posted: May 16, 2003 02:27 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I also gift giving has to do with a persons background/ culture..Many people are acustomed to giving actual gift insstead of money..A friend of mine got a set of Towels as her wedding present..

Thrilled Posted: May 16, 2003 02:36 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

WhatNow - It is my understanding that the 'standard' amount - which is subjective based on the relationship one has with the couple - is $100 a head at least. It may even be $125 a head.
Like I said, it's subjective. When FH's childhood best friend got married, he gave him $500 and FH's family (who thought of the groom as another son) gave another $700. You know?

I think it really depends on your relationship with the couple.

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OctBride03 Posted: May 16, 2003 02:39 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

Thrilled, I think you explained it perfectly! I agree 100%!

Rob-luvs-me Posted: May 16, 2003 02:47 PM

Re: Should I be cheap?

I will say one thing - I found that many of my poorest guests (students living on loans etc-)who totally surprised me with their HUGE generousity. I did find for example that my aunt and uncle (who is a surgeon and well off) gave me one of the smallest gifts and they told my mother they sent a huge gift b/c they were guilty that they didn't make it to the e-party. So you never know. I think it is mainly what is done in certain circles - in Texas their gift was probably considered extrememely generous (actually they gave me exactly what I wanted so I was very happy) but that is something to keep in mind.