Brides Helping Brides ™ - Should I be upset????

jaclyncalderon Posted: Feb 11, 2005 09:22 PM

Should I be upset????

Ok so here's the story - I'll try and make it short and sweet - basically my friend since 1st grade (who moved to Arizona 4 years ago) is one of my bridesmaid.

Last summer when I had my engagement party she basically dodged my phone calls (I was calling because she hadn't rsvp'd) until the party was pretty close- to tell me that she couldn't come.

She never asked me about the party, sent a card, etc. ok fast forward 6 months and I call her on her b-day (Dec 19) and she hasn't called me back until tonight.

So I decided to ask her in a nicey nice way if it would be better for her to not be in the bridal party so there are no expectation put on her and then she could just be at the wedding - well she said that she wanted to be in the bridal party BUT she would not be able to come to any of the 'stuff' shower, bachelorette, etc..

Ok so my question is how should I feel about this? I know plane tix are expensive, etc but at the same time she is working full time and living with her parents.

I'm honestly just not sure of the so called etiquette. Are BM expected to be at the things or am I just being silly???
THANKS - I thought I was gonna be able to make it shorter.....oops

ssdbk Posted: Feb 11, 2005 09:28 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

The 'normal' etiquette is that the BM should be there. My own personal opinion is that you should not be mad if she is not. I think that there is too high of an expectation placed on BMs in this day and age, where most women are so busy.

MsKitty1274 Posted: Feb 11, 2005 09:47 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

I agree. I have been a BM in two out of state weddings. I was not able to attend any pre-wedding events, except for the rehearsal dinners, which happen to be the night before for both.

I (being the generous person I am) did buy and send 'shower' gifts prior to the wedding, tho I was not able to attend the showers, which PS I was not even invited to.

I think you should decide if you want her in your wedding based on the friendship, not what she can or cannot do.

littlebookworm4 Posted: Feb 11, 2005 09:49 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

well i have 2 BM who won't be able to make everything either. One lives in MN and the other in IN. It's so expensive to keep going back and forth 3-4 times as well as paying for a gift and the dress and whatever else.

chachou22 Posted: Feb 11, 2005 09:49 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

Posted by ssdbk

The 'normal' etiquette is that the BM should be there. My own personal opinion is that you should not be mad if she is not. I think that there is too high of an expectation placed on BMs in this day and age, where most women are so busy.

DITTO

justshir Posted: Feb 12, 2005 08:41 AM

Re: Should I be upset????

u def should not be mad at all. just as long as she's up to date whether it's by you or your other bms. it's great if she can join you during your many celebrations (eparty, bachelorette party, or just being there) as a bride-to-be but it's just not feasible, let alone, practical. this is nothing to be mad over. and next time you need to contact her, have one of your other bms (the responsible one) contact her on the particulars. let them be in charge of each other. and you just relax.

Thumballina Posted: Feb 12, 2005 09:47 AM

Re: Should I be upset????

If shes going to be a BM she should be at all if not some of the 'functions' involved with being a BM. If she can't attend or help out in anyway then she shouldn't be one. BM's are suppose to help the bride out...what good is she going tobe if she can only show up the day of the wedding...jmo...let her be a guset only and choose someone who will be able to do her BM's duties

FTRBRIDE Posted: Feb 12, 2005 09:54 AM

Re: Should I be upset????

curliegirl Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:07 AM

Re: Should I be upset????

Bridesmaids are supposed to fulfill all duties expected of them, not just what's convenient. That what most women don't realize when they accept the position. That said, it was very nice to ask your friend, however, she should have declined when she knew she wouldn't be doing anything except showing up at the wedding.
Now You have to consider your other bridesmaids. Not that they would say it, but is it fair to give them all the work and allow your out of state bridesmaid enjoy the praise too? That's not really right either.

Maybe you should revisit the situation in a week or so, and approach her again.

RedHead Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:24 AM

Re: Should I be upset????

Posted by curliegirl

Bridesmaids are supposed to fulfill all duties expected of them, not just what's convenient. That what most women don't realize when they accept the position. That said, it was very nice to ask your friend, however, she should have declined when she knew she wouldn't be doing anything except showing up at the wedding.
Now You have to consider your other bridesmaids. Not that they would say it, but is it fair to give them all the work and allow your out of state bridesmaid enjoy the praise too? That's not really right either.

Maybe you should revisit the situation in a week or so, and approach her again.

I have to say i totally disagree...
I asked girls who are the closest to me regardless of where they live or howmuch they could afford...
If that meant that i didn't get a shower or b-party...the important thing to me was that the people who care about me the MOST are standing next to me on one of the most important day of my life...

Flying back to NY for all three things is A LOT to expect her to do. AND VERY expensive...
Yes is it unfair to the other BM's...but maybe she will contribute money towards the shower like my BM did
If you are close to her and cherish your friendship i say let it go and NO do not be mad.

anjerandunder Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:28 AM

Re: Should I be upset????

try not to sweat it..if she's willing to be a bm and you obviously wanted her to be then let her do what she can.. i'm sure if things were closer or she had more money she would be there..

marymoon Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:30 AM

Re: Should I be upset????

I have to agree 100% with oct.2004.

it isn't ABOUT the shower or the B party it's about having someone you really care about next to you on your big day. It is a LOT to ask to have someone take the long and $$$ flight from arizona to here several times... between her gown and accessories, her gift to you, and her flight just for the wedding, that's really a lot of $$$$ right there. Even if she can't contribute to the shower or 'help' the way the other BM's are, who cares? She still be beside you on your special day. As long as she really wants to be a BM, then I say keep her in and try not to get too upset. If you really want her at your shower, b-party, maybe offer to pay half of her plane ticket, or try to schedule the b-party close to the wedding so it's one trip.

suven Posted: Feb 12, 2005 10:32 AM

Re: Should I be upset????

I had 5 bridesmaids. None of the 5 attended ALL of the prewedding stuff, but 4 out of the 5 girls attended 2 out of the 3 prewedding events. The other BM attended the shower only.

I think that a BM should attend at least ONE prewedding event.

While I agree that today's expectations are high, I think that only women who are very close to the Bride should be in the bridal party. That way, they are more comfortable/willing/able to attend the parties, buy the dress, etc.

And, I know that I would have been very hurt if one of the girls told me that she wanted to be in the BP, but couldn't do anything beforehand. IMO, that would seem like she only wanted to be in the spotlight on the wedding day, but wasn't too concernced with helping out along the way. JMHO

jimmysgrl Posted: Feb 12, 2005 03:01 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

One of my bm lives in London and she won't be at any of the events. For me, its just that she's there the day of the wedding because I feel so strongly about her friendship and I think that is the thing....do you still feel close enough to her to want her next to you the day of?

amy&anthony Posted: Feb 12, 2005 03:37 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

These days people are so stressed, and busy and sometimes dont have the $$ for tickets. I was a BM in my cousins wedding in Florida. She had her bachelorette party in the keys!! It was AWESOME and ... I didnt get to go.. Im working, going to grad school, have a son... busy... She is my favorite cousin in the whole wide world.. but understood.. Now 3 of my BMs are out of state. Only 2 are here (the sisters) I have just accepted that fact that I may not see them until the wedding. Etiquette shmetiquette LOL

It sounds like you are a good friend to her.. Maybe shes going through some tough times out there that you dont know about? I would just have fun with the people who can make it and be thankful that you have what you have :)

SeptWed Posted: Feb 12, 2005 06:20 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

i agree that you can't expect this woman to be at all of your things...esp since she is in Arizona. However i would question how close this girl is to you that she has not called you since December 19th? Seems like this is not someone that you keep in touch with that regularly.

In the end its your decision, however you also must think if this girl is going to take the time to get measurements and actually pay for her dress if she won't even return a phone call to you. That is what you need to worry about. Also, she SHOULD contribute a shower gift to you at the very least. If she can't do that you are going to have major problems with her getting her own dresses and shoes.

ckgmwedding Posted: Feb 12, 2005 06:29 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

I live in CA and my two best friends got married within months of each other. I wasn't able to attend any of the events even though I sent money for the showers. I had to take off from work for both of them to attend the wedding and one didn't even let me know the rehersal was Thursday and not Friday, so I missed that as well. Do I feel badly? No because when they asked I made it clear that I couldn't afford to be in BOTH weddings, pay for dresses and gifts plus take off from work and fly in for all events. I wouldn't be mad about it. Both of my friends were really grateful I could be there for the wedding and understood that it was a lot of money. With plane tickets, money towards the showers and gifts, it was a total of 2000.

dm24angel Posted: Feb 12, 2005 08:10 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

I would be kinda upset. I thought of my girls and felt horrible about things like the time and money they would have to put into being BM's , but also thought that if the tables were turned I would do it without a second thought. If I didnt make a lot of money, I would save up etc or be very upfront about it, so I tried to have reasonable expectations of my BM's, but I do know I would feel let down if they were not 'into' it or making an effort, especially the long time friends. I have no more advice, but think about the friendship a lot and see how much it matters whther you have her there or not, or whther the friendship will survive her not being there for you or your asking her not to be there.

jaclyncalderon Posted: Feb 12, 2005 09:13 PM

Re: Should I be upset????

Well I still feel like i'm stuck between a roack and a hard place....I fell like every since I got engaged she hasn't been into the wedding....I understand she didn't want to spend the money to come to the e-party but then it took her 3 months to call me after the party and to this day she has never asked how it went - to see pictures, etc.

Sometimes I wory that we're friends now because we always have been (if that makes sense) - she doesn't ask about the wedding EVER and she has made comments about how marriage isn't even on her radar - shes not at that point in her life etc. etc. I don't expect every conversation to be about the wedding but it would be nice to be asked about it.

What gets me is that when I spoke to her last night I gave her an out basically because lets be realistic its a huge expense for her but I am also paying for things for her also (flowers, gifts, etc. my FH and I are paying for the wedding mostly ourselves) and now I know my expense is nowhere near what she will have to pay but if she is not going to be in my opinion 'involved' in the wedding until the day of - why wouldn't she rather just not feel any pressure and be there only as a guest ...

So after that conversation last nice its not even like I could go to her now and be like 'sorry I don't think you should be a BM' I guess I just have to accept that she isn't going to be involved and kinda give the rests of my BM the heads up....