There is a member of my family who is very sick. They have roughly a year to live, maybe less. It is going to be a trying time for the family. It seems silly to be planning a big wedding right now. But, I am booked already for next spring. I am thinking of postponing the wedding until next fall. Pushing the wedding up is not an option. Do you think this is a bad idea? I am really stuck here....any advice would be great.
Well, In my opinion, i belive that your family member would want you to live your life as planned. I think if you feel that you have to postpone then you should. But I dont think its at all silly to plan a wedding now. I think a wedding is a celebration of life. Me and my FI have had many deathes in our family recently including both our fathers, and we believe, that holding back for the family was a wrong thing to do for us, because a wedding can only be good for people, emotionally, i think anyway. Im sorry I prob. didnt make any sense. LOL good luck with whatever you do
tobewed - I am sor sorry you are faced with this decision. Can you and your FI talk it over with your family? Maybe this is something that the two of you will feel better about once you know the wishes of your family. I know its tough to be planning something as joyfull as a wedding when you are faced with the passing of a loved one. You will make the right choice.
Not sure when you are planning the wedding, but postponing will only increase the chances of your family member being unable to join you.
Why not ask this person directly?
It depends on who is sick and how this illness will effect you and your FH. If it is a parent or sibling truthfully I would have a small ceremony now with them and then the larger party later. If it is an Aunt or Uncle and your parent has asked you to postpone then talk it over with them. They may be worried about $$ since illess can sometimes cost a family a lot of money, or they may not be emotionally able to handle feeling a lot of joy right now.
If you just found out about this illness take a few weeks before making any decision. You need time to adjust to the news and consider all of the options.
If you feel that your time will be better spent caring for this family member and you just cannot imagine planning a wedding during this time then you have every right to postpone your wedding. But I agree with the other girls that sometimes celebrations of live help families move forward and feel joy again. I am so sorry that you have to make this difficult decision.
I agree with Fran M. Talk it over with some family members and see what they think. It make help your decision if you get an idea of what other loved ones think.
I went thru losing both parents in 8 years. My mom died in 1994, and my dad in 2001. Let me tell you it sucks. Who is dying? You will have to way the pros and cons. What religion are you? Sometimes even if you are not religious you will be amazed at how you go back to you're roots with customs. I am glad that I am engaged even though my dad died last summer, but part of the reason we are waiting until 2004, is out of respect for my dad. I hope this helps you.
I think if you already know that this loss is coming and you know you'll have to deal with everything that comes with the death of a loved one, that maybe it would be better for you mentally to postpone. It is probably better for you to give the two 'events' room apart so that you can fully enjoy the planning of your wedding and the wedding day, especially if moving it up is not an option.
I think this decision is VERY personal...but what happens if the person doesn't die?? I have had 2 uncles and a grandfather on death beds (less than 10% chance of making it) and ALL 3 will be at my wedding and are doing absolutely fine now.
again this is a very personal position and you must do what is right for you and your family.
Last summer doctors told my dad that he had max - 2 years to live (he's got prostate cancer). In October of that year, me & FI got engaged. At that time, my dad was so sick and weak we all thought that he wasn't going to last too long.
For me, obviously, I want my Dad at my wedding. When we started looking for a place, part of me wanted to put something together super-quick -- but that just wasn't feasible economically or logistically. Bear in mind that I'm 32 and I've never been engaged or married before -- I hadn't even seriously dated someone since I was 20 before my FI. Me & my family had about given up on me meeting someone -- which broke my heart since I really liked the idea of growing old with someone -- Obviously though it had to be the right someone, since there was no way I'd settle and get stuck with some moron. My wedding is a big deal - not only for me, but also for my FI & his family (he's the baby of the family & Mom's clear favorite), my family (everyone else is married with kids) & my friends since I'm the 'last to go.' I just couldn't put together some quick-y thing -- my Dad would never want that for me or ask that from me.
We ended up setting our date for September 21st. A couple of weeks after we reserved the reception location, my dad ended up in the hospital with more complications. Everyone was really concerned about his health and feared the worst. I spoke to my mom and said how bad & guilty I felt for planning my wedding and did everyone think my happiness was selfish? Was I wrong to move forward with a wedding when Dad was so sick?... Anyway, she told me in no uncertain terms that I was being silly and that I shouldn't feel bad at all - that in fact my wedding is the goal that my Dad is living for. She thinks it's my wedding, more than anything else that's keeping him going. Plus she said that lief is for tyhe living - 'your father would be really upset if he thought you weren't going ahead with your wedding for his sake! I've also found that planning the wedding has brought us closer, since he knows how important it is for me to have him walk me down the aisle.
Anyway, I'm a realist and I know that there are 3 possibilities -- my dad will be alive & well; he'll pass away before the wedding; or he'll be alive but too weak to enjoy or participate in the wedding in a meaningful way. I've tried to prep myself for all contingencies... and my dad knows this, which has alleviated his guilt. Right now my Dad has good days and bad days, but his doctor thinks he should be okay for our wedding and that he doesn't expect my father's condition to change in any major way until much later.
My advice to you is -- don't cancel your wedding out of guilt.
I was scheduled to be married on May 4th (less than a month from now).
My husband's father was diagnosed with terminal cancer soon after we were engaged and was told a few months later that he had 6 months to 3 years to live. At the time he felt wonderful and we had no reason to believe that he wouldn't live the full 3 years or more!
BUT we opted to actually move the wedding UP and we got married 6 weeks after we got his prognosis - we were married 3 mos ago, Dec. 22nd) I have to tell you that we had the most beautiful wedding (my guests agree) that we or our guests have ever been to. And it was SOOO easy to get everything together in those 6 weeks. We took a date that our hall had available that matched with our band's availability & photographer's. Our florist changed the date, and I even was able to get my gown rush ordered for no extra charge.
We saw no reason to wait since we had everything set already and it was just a question of changing the date. We lost NO money in the process. We paid attention to EVERY little detail. Nothing was missed & the wedding was a so festive and happy and beautiful and full of LOVE and FAMILY and TRADITION.
Anyway, changing the date was the best decision we ever made. My father in law passed away a month ago today. He didn't even make the 6 months -- he died suddenly of a blood clot at home and he even looked wonderful that day & was in good spirits - not sick at all!! If we had not changed our date, my husband's father would not have made our wedding and it would have been a sad, sad day.
That said, I don't know what member of your family is ill. A father, obviously, is a very close relation and I know that anyone would do what we did if their father was ill. I'm not sure if I would have moved the wedding up for ANY family member, and I also don't know what your entire situation is. I just want to let you know that it is not impossible to move the wedding up if it is at all an option. IF you decide to, i'll be happy to help you with anything you may need!
Best wishes and good luck.
Thanks so much for the advice. My FH's dad is the one who is ill. Less then a year to go (most likely). I also just had a death in my family, so I havent had the true joy of being engaged and planning our wedding. I have decided to keep the plans on and hope for the best. I was afraid to approach my FH because he is having such a hard time dealing with his father's turn for the worse. You all have been so great, and I thank you. After I finally talked to my FH we decided to keep things on for next spring. Now, my only fear is that I will be planning alot of the wedding alone. My FH is going to be so busy with taking care of his dad that there wont be much time for him to plan. I feel selfish for feeling sad about this. But at least I have this board...it really helps with planning and with talking things out. Thank you so much!
Is there any way you can just move the ceremony up? My fear is that your FH will regret not doing anything to assure that his father will see him married.
Life since my husband's father passed away a month ago (see my post above yours) has been very different than it was before. He cries himself to sleep everyday & he can't concentrate on anything & he's spending a lot of his time doing his father's estate & taxes. Its even more emotional than you will expect. In fact, I'd like to offer an ear to you any time you need to talk when you go through this. It's a very hard time and you will feel responsible to make things 'better' for your husband - when that's not even possible. Anyway, the only thing my husband holds on to that makes him feel better are the pictures of his father at our wedding. His father was SO happy that day & that's how we will always remember him.
I can understand your fear of pulling a reception together quickly, but have you considered having the ceremony soon and just a small party for family & pictures & video so you will have those memories with your father in law? You can go on planning your reception & possibly renewing your vows for next May, but the most important part of a wedding is the ceremony & having those you love there to witness it. My father in law was upset at first when we changed the date for him, but we knew he was grateful & he would have hated not to be there. I can also tell you how scared I was to change our plans, but once we made the decision I went into overdrive & even enjoyed my planning.
I'm sorry for giving you more than my 2 cents, but I feel like i had the exact experience as you are having and I know that I feel comfortable with what we did & would have always regretted it if we hadn't made that decision. You are NOT a BAD person if you don't do it, but I just wanted to share my feelings.
My thoughts are with your and your family. I know how hard this is.
tobewed:
Unlike you & Sara, the person who's sick is my Dad -- not my FI's. It was my dad & my decision. Sara makes a good point re: how will your FI respond to your Dad's death.
Personally I have a VERY strong belief that people who have passed are still very much involved and aware of what's going on. Not to get too hokey -- but if anyone's watched 'Crossing Over' they know what I mean. Now that is a PERSONAL BELIEF - I'm not trying to convince anyone else - so please don't flame me! Anyway, that's why for me (and only me), the thought that my Dad would be in a hospital bed, in pain (as anyone who'd had to deal with terminal cancer in their family knows) for my wedding was a worse thought than my Dad passing on.
After I wrote my response, I had some addiional thoughts that I felt I needed to pass on for whatever they're worth. In my opinion, you should definitely sit down with your FI and make sure he's honest with you about his feelings and what his family's feelings are. You don't want him or his family to feel that you were wrong to move forward with the wedding. I would hope that, like my family, they will greet the idea of a wedding as a needed cause for celebration after a particularly hard time. Also, ask him what he'd do if, on the wedding Dad his Dad wasn't there -- e.g. How would you honor him during the ceremony? What would you do if he's too ill to walk down the aisle? Would you visit his hospital or grave site after your wedding? If he can't even discuss those types of eventualities - that's a pretty good sign that, like Sara's FI, he's going take his Dad's passing pretty hard and you might want to reconsider postponing.
My Dad has been sick for so long, even before I met my FI, so I've had a chance to come to terms with my Dad's illness. I know that moving forward with my wedding was the right decision for me and my family. And now -- the wedding seems to be helping keep my Dad alive when medical science can offer nothing.
Once again -- good luck to you and your FI. I hope it all works out for you.
