shower aftermath - long

I am posting because I just don't know what to do. I have a friend that I have had for years. She is not a best friend, at least in my eyes, because she so often has these fits of jealousy, anger, blows up at people, etc. On the other hand she is a lot of fun to be with when she is on a good day. I am sure you guys all know somebody like this! Keep in mind = she has not been in a relationship for years, has found her way into bed with many of our close friends, and there is nothing more that she wants than a wonderful love to call her own. And I hurt for her for that.

Anyway, she had her 30th b-day the night before my shower. I got food poisoning two days before and was extremely sick. I sent my FI to the party with our gift and a really nice card and told him to of course tell her that I was completely incapacitated and just couldn't make it. That night was the night before my shower and I was SO worried about having 40 people at my house while I was throwing up in the bathroom! Anyway - she showed up the next day 1 1/2 hours late, in a ripped up tank with a denim jacket completely strung out and hung over (which is fine - she had a big party) and THEN got up while I was on my third gift, walked across the room, kissed me on the cheek and walked out. Now - I was in a whirlwind all day, but my friends were furious, and gradually I began to realize that what she had done was really offensive to my mom and sisters after they threw this great party.

Long story short (sorry) - I decided to just let it go - why cause an issue it's no big deal. I get an e-mail FROM HER! saying that she 'needs her space from me because I didnt' have the DECENCY to show my face at her party' and to 'pull the sick food poisoning act was so shady'. I couldnt believe it! I mean - what friend would have thought that? And she said 'I know it was 'your' weekend but that doesnt' mean you have the right to destroy my birthday' and 'it's all about you ' and so on. I responded (and I HATE e-mail but she wouldn't take my call) and said a bunch of things, explaining that she misunderstands what happened, etc, and that I know it's a hard time for her with all of our friends finding love, and so on - she responded by saying that I was a 'nasty egocentric witch' and it's so 'typical that I would accuse her of being jealous!!!' Girls you dont' know me personally - but I have NEVER been called selfish in my life. I work every day to be as generous my friends as possible.

I stopped the e-mailing at that point and haven't spoken to her since. I dont' know what to do. Do I call and try to hash it out? But I don't think I want someobdy in my life that can CALL me that! And who doesn't know me at ALL and would accuse me of such things! But is she just going to come to the wedding and think it's okay? I really don't want the first time I see her to be there when I am super positive, because it's just like me to hug her and let it be okay and I don't want that. UGH. Anybody gone through anythng like this?

Re: shower aftermath - long

I can relate to your situation. I had a friend some years ago that did the whole thing about needing space and blah, blah.... She was my best friend at the time and I had no clue why she wanted out of our friendship. It bothered me for a while. I can be very sensitive, so it hurt, but 10 years have gone by and I now know who my true friends are.

First let me say that if she thought for a minute that you were faking your food poisining, then she is not a friend that you need. It sounds like she is a bit jealous of you. My feeeling is that you should not stress about it and by no means call her to fix things or explain anything. If she is a real friend, she will realize that what she said was wrong and fix it with you. And if she doesn't call, then you might be better off not having her as a freind.

Try not to let this bring you down. Keep smiling

Re: shower aftermath - long

I agree with Nan! This might be better for you in the long run. Keep your chin up and remember to keep on making those wedding plans with a smile

Re: shower aftermath - long

thanks so much. I really needed the pick-me-up. You are right. This probably needed to happen eventually anyway...

Re: shower aftermath - long

Jenny,

I have had something similiar happen to me, unfortunately, the two friends I have lost have been part of my wedding party (one which still is). I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If she's a real friend she will contact you & fix things with you. I'm the same type of person you are. I bend over backwards for the people I care about & I manage to get kicked in the head by people in return, I just don't get some people, but the way I look at it is this....real friends will understand you, comfort you, listen to you and be there for you. Sometimes friends have disagreements, but manage to work them out because they have a valuable relationship, true friends are hard to find, those that matter we keep. People come & go in our lives, all we can do is try to make the best of certain situations, in your case, this may have been your 'wake-up' call to see just how selfish and uncaring this person really is, you don't need a person like that in your life & it doesn't sound like she's a friend at all. From what you've told us, it sounds like she's going to be a very loney person BECAUSE she doesn't value anyones friendship, but that's her problem, not yours. Enjoy everyday with your REAL friends, they are the ones who matter.

Re: shower aftermath - long

The fact that she thinks you would 'blow-off' her party in the first place and not even be considered about your illness just proves that she doesn't think much of you or your friendship. And if you were going to blow-off her party, why on earth would you send your FH to it. You would have both not gone or probably given her a gift.
She is being a very unfair mean person. And to show up to your shower in that condition is also not in good form, then to interupt your opening with a dramatic good-bye is also totally insane.
Honestly, do you really want this friendship or are you just upset that she is saying nasty things about you? Think hard about it. Why save this friendship? You are never going to be able to convince her that you are a wonderful, giving person because she can only see her side of things. So let her think what she wants and move on. In the long run you will be very happy that you did.

Re: shower aftermath - long

Well i just wrote a post on a similar matter, so i guess i can relate. You dont need people like that in your life right now, or ever for that matter. You didnt do anything wrong. Especially since you even sent your FI with a present!!. I hope all works out for you, congrats on your shower!!!! :)

Re: shower aftermath - long

I hate it when people say things in anger that don't fit the person. Whatever you do...I think both of you need to cool down and reevaluate the friendship...if in time (and hindsight) you can say that you still want to be friends then you can do so. I got into a fight with a friend 5 years ago and we both got together and realized how silly we were last year. that would have never have happened a year later...

give it a month...talk to common friends and get their opinions (but try not to put themin the middle)

good luck...

Re: shower aftermath - long

It's a shame that she has to act like this! What nerve. You did what you could, so now move on. Keep your chin up and smile. Be greatful for the people that are around you now.

Re: shower aftermath - long

i just went through a VERY similar thing, didn't show up for a best friends birthday because I was sick and she totally blew up at me - i think things get blown out of proportion when planning a wedding because girls are jealous of the attention and feel they deserve some too?

Re: shower aftermath - long

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I too, have been in similar situations with both long- and short-term friends, and either way, it is never easy.
The reality is that we are all human, we all have feelings and we all get hurt at one time or another.
None of us is perfect, but if you have the desire to continue a friendship and accept your friend with all her problems, than let a little time go by and then go and speak with her in person. Forget the phone and forget email.
Best of luck to you!