shower dilema...need advice

so, last night i overheard FH on the phone with one of his friends discussing whether or not 'they' were going to record his answers on video or audio tape. as soon as he got off the phone i pounced on his and told him that if they were planning to do that game at my shower where they ask him personal questins about us and then ask me the same questions in front of everyone and see if our answers match, they had better stop planning it. i am really annoyed. we are private people and there is no way in the world i want to answer questions about our relationship in front of people who are testing to see how close our answers are. i specifially told MOH that i didn't want to play any games but if they had to do something, make it something silly and not a focus of the shower. and to top it off, i'm pretty sure if is FMIL's idea to play this game and i know she's been presuring MOH to do a lot of things she knows i won't like. so...basically, i told FH that he was not to participate under any circumstances, which he was happy to agree to since he was uncomfortable with the idea in the first place. but now i am not sure if i should bring this up to MOH or my mom to tell them why FH is not going to do it? i don't want them to think he is a jerk for not doing it. i also know that if this is FMIL's idea that she will try to force him to do, even if he tells her i don't want to. what should i do?!?

Re: shower dilema...need advice

As long as your FH won't give any info and play along I can't see how they could have this game. I have not hear of this game and it sounds awful to me. If your FH tells anyone who aske that he will not do it because you both don't want to, that sounds like a good reason to me. Don't worry about FMIL, I'm sure he knows how to handle her.
Good luck!

Re: shower dilema...need advice

Personally, I think most bride have way too much input on the shower. Its supposed to be a surprise, its supposed to be planned and run by your bridal party. Thats it.

Some of your shower is supposed to be about you (the gifts, etc..), other parts are supposed to be a little bit uncomfortable and slightly silly (bow hat, etc..)

There is no way someone can throw a good shower without using some personal information about you. Of coruse, the questions shouldn't be overly personal or truly embarassing but Im sure your friends aren't going to humiliate you. Its all done in good fun.

Of course, if your FH refused to participate in this game then they won't be able to do it. But it will probably be replaced by some other cheesy thing that you may like even less.

Sorry to be blunt about this - but I think you should be appreciative that you friends are spending their time and money to celebrate (and maybe poke a little fun) at you instead of complaining that you don't like the game they picked. Just like a Friars roast, you will come out better on the other side if you just sit back and enjoy it.

Re: shower dilema...need advice

i am appreciative that the shower is being planned and people want to do nice things for me. but anyone who even slightly knows me knows a game like this would make me extremely uncomfortable. my FMIL has a habit of forcing me to do things i don't want to do and pressuring other people to go along with things they know i won't like. and it is a suprise...if i hadn't overheard him on the phone i would have never known and it would have been sprung on me at the shower and it would ruin my day. the fact of having to sit in front of a room of people and answer personal questions and then have everyone see if he and i have matching answers is humiliating to me. i want to be able to relax and have a good time, not be put on the spot. and to imply that i am unappreciative because one specific thing they have planned is completely against my character and i would be miserable doing is ridiculous.

Re: shower dilema...need advice

I played this game at my shower and I did not know it was being done, they did it with my FI without me knowing. It is so much fun, it is like the newly wed game. They asked me questions such as What is his favorite color, what is favorite drink, does he have any allergies. If your FI chooses to participate, he will only give questions that he knows will be fun and nothing to embarass you. I don't think he would go along with anything inappropriate that is not what its about. It's all about fun and celebrating the love that both of you share. I think you should do it and not let FMIL or anyone else spoil it for you. Don't work yourself up over something so minor.

Re: shower dilema...need advice

Phunkykat...you posted your situation and asked what you should do. I think you should just comply with the game and be uncomfortable for a few minutes. Im sure some people will agree with me and others will not. Listen to the advice that objective strangers give you as good intentioned and just that - and do whatever you like.

If you only want to hear that you are 100% correct and how sorry we all are for you, then you shouldn't ask for opinions.

I think calling my commentary 'riduculous' is just rude.

Re: shower dilema...need advice

so, just spoke to my mom. she and MOH have no knowledge this is being planned and she said FMIL was told everything was being taken care of and not to plan anything. this is really why i get mad - she is always doing things behind people's backs, especially things she know people don't want. and it would be cute if it were simple questions but she is planning personal questions about what we love about each other, how we met, etc. anyway, mom said that she will make sure it doesn't happen so there is nothing to be upset over anymore.

Re: shower dilema...need advice

I think that game can be fun and unintrusive at the same time. I think it is cute to see if you know what kind of superhero your fiance wants to be and if he remembers where your fist date was. I also think that the planning of the party should not be up to the bride. I am always amazed how many brides complain about the planning of the bridal shower. They shouldn't have anything to do with it. It sounds like your mom and MOH have your back and wont allow your FMIL to do something that would make you uncomfortable, so don't worry about it.

As an aside, I was in a wedding once where the FMIL planned the entire shower and left the BMs out of the loop. Didn't even ask us before setting the date and we were hurt. Since your mom told you that FMIL was told not to plan anything, maybe she just wants to feel more involved. Perhaps your mom can give her something to do that will involve her in your shower so that she wont be left to her own devices

Re: shower dilema...need advice

If you are uncomfortable with it, you are uncomfortable with it. If they are asking you questions that are harmless, like the ones Shamma was asked, personally I dont think its a big deal. I wouldnt imagine anyone would plan on asking questions that are really personal.
Lets face it showers are kind of boring for people other than the bride and the bridal party. It was probably just an idea to let the other guests have some fun. But that is jmo...

Re: shower dilema...need advice

I HATE being involved in any of my shower drama. I want to be left out of all the plans, *****ing, problems, good stuff etc... Of course I know way too much already. I admit I sent my sister lots of links to stuff I love (favor ideas, bridal shower bingo) and begged her to do mini-cakes instead of a layer cake. But if you knew me, you would expect some level of involvement from me as I am a total control freak.

If your FMIL is trying to humilate you then your FH should NOT answer those questions. Nothing about sex, or past girlfriends would be appropriate. Superheros, favoriate ice cream flavors, favorite cartoon, movie he hated watching, etc...are fun questions. So wear your bow hat, thank the person who brought you the ugliest vase you ever saw in your life, smile for tons of photos, act surprised even if you are not, and be happy that so many people love you and wanted to be with you that day.

Re: shower dilema...need advice

sonicstef...i just think to assume i am unappreciative because i am uncomfortable with something is not right, which is why i commented on it. i very much appreciate the time, expense and love that is going into this shower i do not appreciate FMIL doing things she knows i wouldn't want and that the people planning the party have no idea about. i don't want to be starting fights with strangers on the internet here and i don't expect everyone to agree with me, i'm sure plenty of people think it is a fun and cute idea. however, i don't think it is a good idea for me and i think it is a bad idea even more so now that i know my close friends and family aren't even involved in it (like writing the questions). sorry if i offended you by saying calling me unappreciative is ridiculous but if you knew how much i love my MOH and BMs and what they are all doing for me and how meddling my FMIL can be, i don't think you'd think that. but this is the internet and all you know about me and my shower is that i'm complaining about something so i guess i can see why you would assume that.

Re: shower dilema...need advice

My MOH did this for my shower, she had some cute questions on there & she had some I wish she had left out (some where a little too personal), but it was still fun and even though there were things on there that I didn't care for, I got over it after a few seconds. Talk to your FI, MOH & talk to his family and tell them how you feel, that's all you can do, other than that, stay out of it, this is supposed to be a surprise no?? So RELAX & enjoy it, life tends to be too serious sometimes so so let these little things bother you, let your bridal party do their thing for you.

Re: shower dilema...need advice-LONG

Phunkycat,
I am going against the majority here and I feel similar to you. Although I think the shower should be a surprise and a bride should have little or no involvement, I think the people planning it should do things for the bride not what they like.

I would mention it to your mom and fiance (if you want your MOH) and tell them that you are uncomfortable with this type of a game. You are not trying to run the day just you prefer silly games not personal ones. I can understand even asking favorite colors may make you uncomfortable esp. if you are an extremely private person. I would not be demanding or anything just tell them how it makes you feel. Your mom, MOH and fiance know you the best and will be looking out for your best interest and for your feelings so I bet it won't happen.

I totally see where you are coming from. I know I wouldn't want to play this game for the simple reason I don't know half of the people that will be attending my shower due to FMIL. It bothers me that I am even getting gifts from some people who are strangers to me never mind having to share info about me and my fiance with them.

Sometimes FMIL's forget you are not their daughter and think they know what you like (at least in my case) and they try to run the show even if they have to go behind backs! I think people who know you best will be able to stop this before it happens.

Just be careful because you do not want to hurt fiances' feelings ... try not to blame FMIL. Say the game makes you uncomfortable and I think that should be enough.

If the game surfaces at the shower, play it but do it in a fun way. If there are really uncomfortable questions, give wise guys answer and laugh it off! I know I would need a couple glasses of wine first to rear off the uncomfortableness.

Good Luck!

Re: shower dilema...need advice

I have to say that this type of game would completely unnerve me and I just would not enjoy it - I would be even more upset if I knew about it in advance ...

Re: shower dilema...need advice

bridetobe...i also don't really know a lot of people that well at the shower because they are her friends. but she insists they have to be invited and my MOH gave in because she is a nice girl and doesn't want to say no to everything FMIL wants. and i do think sometimes FMIL forgets i'm not her daughter and that i didn't grow up knowing her friends. i think it'll be a little weird to have virtual strangers at the shower but there's nothing i can do about that now. i'm sure it will be a lot of fun for everyone and the people i don't know all know each other so i won't have to worry they'll have no one to talk to. i think i'm just at the point where i am getting stressed at almost everything (5 1/2 weeks left) and so i am getting more worked up about this kind of stuff than i should be.

Re: shower dilema...need advice

phunkykat:

I agree with you too.... Yes, it's a surprise for the bride and it's the bridal party that shuld be planning it -- yes, you should be able to grin & bear a few activities that annoy you for the sake of all of these people in your bridal party & your friends' amusement...

I think the key is --> are they doing this to make for a good party & in the spirit of fun -- or are they (FMIL) doing it with complete disregard for your feelings & sensitivities. If the event is in your honor -- theoretically they should do what makes you happy.

If they plan to use this game to bring up private, subjects (e.g. - sex, money, etc) -- and they know that you are a shy, private person --> that's kinda mean-spirited. I've seen games where they ask questions made to shock like 'Which one of your husband's friends would you most like to sleep with...' or 'Which one of you had the most dating experience before getting engaged') Personally, I'm a loudmouth -- and this stuff wouldn't bother me at all --> but I know that other people would be mortified. He shouldn't answer questions of this nature, which means they can't do the game.

If it's questions like 'Which one of you is the most organized' -- that's a different story. I'd agree with everyone else that for the sake of all of the people who are coming to this event, you should be willing to play along...