Hi ladies. I have been dealing with a situation for the past year or so that is kinda awkward. I have a couple of friends who are still single. I love seeing them and hanging out, but sometimes within an hour I'm ready to go home. The problem is they are single and I am not. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that at all; it is just the way our situations are. The problem is that sometimes when we go out, I feel they spend a lot of the time scoping out men. That is fine, they ARE single. However, when this happens one or two bad things usually happens: 1. I become a third wheel and I am hanging around bored most of the night. 2. I find myself talking to one of the people the guy is with to be polite. Of course there is no harm but OBVIOUSLY I am not interested in meeting anybody. They usually feel awkward as well cause they spot the ring. The bottom line is that I just want to go out have a good time and relax and I am finding it harder to do. I also feel that some of my friends are wanting to go out for the sole purpose of having company while they look for a guy! Have any ladies been in similar situations? Would love to hear suggestions on dealing! Thanks ladies for letting me vent!
Latina511
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
I am very honest with my friends about the whole thing. Last night I went out with my MOH and BF to dinner and drinks. It was like 10pm when we were done and I just wanted to get home to see hubby. Its not that I didn't have a good time because I did, these are my friends since high school and I completely explained myself to them. Told them how I felt and if they wanted to go to bars and clubs then they could go without me. Depending on where they are going then I will decide if I want to go to. They completely understood. I told them they could of just dropped me off home and keep partying if they wanted, no sense to all of us go home because of me. I spent my time with them from 7pm to 10pm and I am very happy that I talked to them about how I felt.
michele31
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
why not do non-bar things with those friends? go to lunch or dinner, or a movie. go shopping. you need to explain to them that you cannot really go around talking to strange guys all night long. friendships have to change- just like all relationships.
kmcwed
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
My DH sometimes goes out after work with a bunch of friends. It's very rare, and usually only because someone got promoted or is leaving or has a birthday. My DH hates bars, and has never in his life even gotten a phone number from a girl in a bar, so I know it's not his scene and I don't really worry. But I still think that a married person doesn't belong in a bar on any regular basis or with single friends.
Me, on the other hand, enjoyed the bar scene when I was single. But now that I'm married, I try to avoid the bars. It's just asking for trouble in my opinion.
I would tell your friends that you'd love to spend time with them and will go anywhere with them except a bar. There's plenty to do without bars! You can go to the movies, dinner, bowling, concerts, stay in and rent movies, go shopping, there's so much more to life than stinky smokey bars. Pooey! LOL! I'm sure they will understand.
It's not like you're saying, 'I'm married now and don't want to hang out with you at all anymore.' You're just elminating one place to go. It really shouldn't make a big difference.
butterfly20
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
i have no advice, thats why i stopped hanging out with single friends, because thats the only thing they did... maybe you can plan to hang out wiht them when your going to do stuff like seeing a movie, going out to dinner, where you'll be continuously occupied?
KathleenG
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
Thanks ladies for all the advice, it was very helpful! I guess the bottom line is that I have to open my mouth and say something! My FH has been telling me this for a while now! I guess I am always afraid of rubbing people the wrong way. The other thing is that I don't want to come off as not wanting to be fun anymore. But they will have to deal!
LisaT
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
I don't think you have to stop going to bars simply because you're married. But you may want to stop going with girls who are just out to meet men. I've had that problem with some friends of mine as well (but they're all coupled up now).
As for avoiding bars because you're married, it seems silly. You can have fun meeting people and hanging out with friends, without it being a pick-up scene each time (guess it depends on which bars you go to). I still go to bars - sometimes with my husband, or co-workers, or with a mixed group of friends. And I don't think its asking for trouble.
Find other fun things to do with these girls, or bring some other friends along when you go out.
kmcwed
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
I guess it really does depend on what bar you go to. There are some local bars that are relatively quiet and have a 'regular' crowd. Those are probably better. But the usual bar is definitely more singles-oriented. I just stay away from them in general now. Partly because I don't think I've ever been in a bar without someone hitting on me, and I just don't want to deal with that anymore. I even had some nut-job follow me out to the parking lot because I wasn't interested in him and turned him down. I don't need that crap in my life. And I also can't stand the smoke. On top of that, I really don't drink anymore...so I guess there's just no appeal anymore! LOL.
I agree with Lisa...I find the bars I go to know are the laid back kind...with pool tables or a dart board...
prncssrachel
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
I definitely don't think that avoiding bars is the answer, I think finding friends who want to go out to hang out together is more like it. I mean, we all have those friends that were just good for a night out to have fun, and not much more. It's basically taking peopel for what they're worth. I had to think long and hard about this when I got engaged. I realized that I had a few friends who were just 'bar' friends and we didn't even really know eachother THAT well. They were just like 'bar decoys' or something. And that's FINE, but basically my use for them was over with. BUT, on the other hand, going to bars with my REAL friends is still just as fun, because we're there to enjoy eachother's company and not pickup guys. So there's a difference. I lost a lot of friends when I got engaged because they thought I 'wouldn't be ffun anymore.' It just helped in the end though to know who my REAL friends were. So try explaining how you feel if they are good friends to you, and if not, then maybe just look for other girlfriends who will respect where you're at in life now. Good luck!
cluelessbride
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Re: Single friends advice needed (long)
I would have an honest talk with them about it. Like Michele said, there are lots of other friend things to do.
If your friends mostly spend time together in bars, and not doing other things (like going out to dinner, getting a mani/pedi, having coffee, going to the movies, just getting together to talk) then it might be time to re-evaulate your friendships.
