So counseling came and went....Edited with an explanation at bottom
BKtoLI
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So counseling came and went....Edited with an explanation at bottom
And I am more confused than ever.
He agreed he would start discussing things with me and I agreed to stop being accusatory. But the counselor basically said we have to be living together to work things out or just get a divorce.
I don't want to move. I like where I am now. I just signed a year long lease. And I am not in the mood to deal with the LIRR every day into Penn Station or pay $300 a month to get there.
He finally compromised on moving to Nassau (I wanted Queens, he wanted to stay in Suffolk) but I still don't know what to do. He's not willing to move to Brooklyn. I feel like ok now I get to give up everything again to work things out, but what if I do that and things don't work out again?
Basically I was told to weigh the pros and cons of both situations. So I will have to start a list.
Although I will mention one funny and awkward moment. Keep in mind the counselor was this kind old woman. And there she is asking Andrew if he masturbates. We both looked at each other in stunned shock and I was embarrassed for him that he had to answer!!
I'll keep you posted where this goes. Hopefully something will develop this month.
ewickens
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Audreygirl
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Re: So counseling came and went....
lol - to the question she asked.
I'm glad to hear that you guys went to counselling. I have no idea what you should do at all about moving/the living situation, etc. If you guys are meant to be together, I do hope that everything works out.
If you do want to get out of the lease, is there anyone you know who might want to take over it? Maybe post it on craigslist.
Marriage requires compromise - as cliche as that sounds - and this living situation sounds exactly the kind of situation where compromise is needed. It doesn't mean compromise is gonna be easy or fun, but it is so important in a marriage. Queens/Nassau certainly sounds like a compromise (sorta halfway b/w NYC/BK and Suffolk). It might start you guys off on the right foot going forward where you both give and take.
Sorry - I sound like I'm preaching and I'm certainly no therapist. I just hope that everything works out for you.
Kerrycec
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Whatever you decide, we are all here for you! I think maybe trying to sublet your apt. for a couple of month and live together in Nassau to see if this is what you both really want may be a good solution. You don't want to end it without trying all the options.
Masterbating, is that a problem because my DH is an award winner!!
cindyandkevin
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Oh Janna, I'm so sorry that you're more confused now and that you 2 are even going through this in the first place!!
I'm glad she was able to make the 2 of you laugh tho with that question, that might even have been the purpose of it!!
It's good that he's willing to compromise with you and move to Nassau, I think the 2 of you owe it to yourselves, to eachother, to your marriage, to at least give that a try. You can't throw everythiing away soley bc you'd be inconvenienced into having to ride the LIRR again. Of course, this is JMO, but I know you're too strong to throw in the towel now.
As for your confusion, it's kind of like when you're doing some heavy cleaning and going through old things. You need to make a mess of things first before you can start making headway in straightening things out.
Did you talk to Andrew after counseling? Get his take on things, is he as confused as you?
MJDoc12
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Re: So counseling came and went....
maybe you should consider trying another counselor---if this one doesn't quite make you feel comfortable.
i think her just saying 'you MUST live together OR get a divorce' is a bit much. i think she should be more concerned with you two taking baby steps into the right direction, rather than throwing you into the same thing immediately.
i hope you two both find happiness whether it is together or apart. we're here for you!
meniasta
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Re: So counseling came and went....
you have tx msg
mtdr1106
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Posted by MJDoc12
maybe you should consider trying another counselor---if this one doesn't quite make you feel comfortable.
i think her just saying 'you MUST live together OR get a divorce' is a bit much. i think she should be more concerned with you two taking baby steps into the right direction, rather than throwing you into the same thing immediately.
i hope you two both find happiness whether it is together or apart. we're here for you!
i agree. that statement seems very extreme. it makes no sense for you right now to run back to LI and be unhappy. you need to figure things out -and you have stated numerous times that you are happier right now in BK.
i hope counseling will help guide you through this.
leighdvm
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Janna, I haven't been on here in AGES so I had no idea that you were going through this. My heart breaks to hear your news Whenever I saw you two together, you were always laughing and having a good time -- I never would have guessed that you were having problems. From the bottom of my heart, I hope that the two of you can work this out. $hit, I am so sorry to hear this
evnme
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Re: So counseling came and went....
KandE917
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Posted by cindyandkevin
It's good that he's willing to compromise with you and move to Nassau, I think the 2 of you owe it to yourselves, to each other, to your marriage, to at least give that a try. You can't throw everythiing away soley bc you'd be inconvenienced into having to ride the LIRR again. Of course, this is JMO, but I know you're too strong to throw in the towel now.
Hi - I couldn't agree with Cindy more!
I am sorry you're going thru this and I obviously do not know you or your husband or other problems you may be having that you haven't mentioned. All I am hearing is that you are happy in Brooklyn right now and that you don't want to move to LI, which to me - sort of sounds like you've given up already if you're not willing to compromise and live somewhere that works for BOTH you and DH. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but after reading your post it just sounded to me like you've given up and are really happy where you are right now...on your own in Brooklyn...so I'm sort of wondering why you're even in counseling if you sound so ok with where you're at - which is away from DH.
I'm sorry I said all that b/c I know it sounds harsh - just wanted you to know how you sound to an outsider who doesn't know you or your situation all that well except for the little bits you are sharing on here....please don't hate me.
But Nassau is definitely better than Suffolk and is much closer to Brooklyn. I think if you want to try and make this work that could be a great compromise for you guys!
Best of luck to you both - hoping and praying for you that everything works out for the best whatever that may be!
Edited to change from 'hugs' to 'huggy'
LandsEnd06
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Re: So counseling came and went....
I kind of agree with finding another counselor. If this one doesn't fit then you should try a new one.
ssdbk
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Posted by KandE917
Posted by cindyandkevin
It's good that he's willing to compromise with you and move to Nassau, I think the 2 of you owe it to yourselves, to each other, to your marriage, to at least give that a try. You can't throw everythiing away soley bc you'd be inconvenienced into having to ride the LIRR again. Of course, this is JMO, but I know you're too strong to throw in the towel now.
Hi - I couldn't agree with Cindy more!
I am sorry you're going thru this and I obviously do not know you or your husband or other problems you may be having that you haven't mentioned. All I am hearing is that you are happy in Brooklyn right now and that you don't want to move to LI, which to me - sort of sounds like you've given up already if you're not willing to compromise and live somewhere that works for BOTH you and DH. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but after reading your post it just sounded to me like you've given up and are really happy where you are right now...on your own in Brooklyn...so I'm sort of wondering why you're even in counseling if you sound so ok with where you're at - which is away from DH.
I'm sorry I said all that b/c I know it sounds harsh - just wanted you to know how you sound to an outsider who doesn't know you or your situation all that well except for the little bits you are sharing on here....please don't hate me.
But Nassau is definitely better than Suffolk and is much closer to Brooklyn. I think if you want to try and make this work that could be a great compromise for you guys!
Best of luck to you both - hoping and praying for you that everything works out for the best whatever that may be!
Edited to change from 'hugs' to 'huggy'
I agree with these 2 opinions. I don't agree that you should find a new counselor. I think that many people do end up with the wrong counselors but I think that she is getting to the meat of the situation rather quickly (not wasting your time or $$). I do not think that she meant that no one who is going through marital problems should live apart. I think that based on what you told her, for your situation and no one else's, you're not going to work on it in the way that you should unless you are living together.
It comes down to the way you feel about Andrew and only you really know that.
LBride
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Re: So counseling came and went....
DHs sister and her husband lived apart for a year long separation where divorce papers were drawn up and just waiting to be signed.. In January she decided to go back and give it a try again and they are happier than ever. Like your situation, one of the main problems is that he refuses to leave Jersey city for long island...
MayBride06
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Posted by ssdbk
Posted by KandE917
Posted by cindyandkevin
It's good that he's willing to compromise with you and move to Nassau, I think the 2 of you owe it to yourselves, to each other, to your marriage, to at least give that a try. You can't throw everythiing away soley bc you'd be inconvenienced into having to ride the LIRR again. Of course, this is JMO, but I know you're too strong to throw in the towel now.
Hi - I couldn't agree with Cindy more!
I am sorry you're going thru this and I obviously do not know you or your husband or other problems you may be having that you haven't mentioned. All I am hearing is that you are happy in Brooklyn right now and that you don't want to move to LI, which to me - sort of sounds like you've given up already if you're not willing to compromise and live somewhere that works for BOTH you and DH. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but after reading your post it just sounded to me like you've given up and are really happy where you are right now...on your own in Brooklyn...so I'm sort of wondering why you're even in counseling if you sound so ok with where you're at - which is away from DH.
I'm sorry I said all that b/c I know it sounds harsh - just wanted you to know how you sound to an outsider who doesn't know you or your situation all that well except for the little bits you are sharing on here....please don't hate me.
But Nassau is definitely better than Suffolk and is much closer to Brooklyn. I think if you want to try and make this work that could be a great compromise for you guys!
Best of luck to you both - hoping and praying for you that everything works out for the best whatever that may be!
Edited to change from 'hugs' to 'huggy'
I agree with these 2 opinions. I don't agree that you should find a new counselor. I think that many people do end up with the wrong counselors but I think that she is getting to the meat of the situation rather quickly (not wasting your time or $$). I do not think that she meant that no one who is going through marital problems should live apart. I think that based on what you told her, for your situation and no one else's, you're not going to work on it in the way that you should unless you are living together.
It comes down to the way you feel about Andrew and only you really know that.
ITA with this.
waterspout4
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Oh Janna, I'm so sorry this is so confusing. I think it's a great thing that he's agreeing to Nassau county. But compromise is about the both of you. I know it's great for you in Brooklyn now, but you have to think about what's right for the two of you, especially for the future. If you want to think only about yourself, then I don't know what to say. (But is it only nice for now because it's new for you?)
I will always be here for you whenever you need me. My phone is always open. And my arms are open for a hug whenever you need it.
akaMrsT
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Re: So counseling came and went....
No advice just
SweetCin704
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Janna, I'm so sorry you are more confused...but at least the counselor is getting you to think things through and at least see e/o's side of the story.
I think moving to Nassau is not exactly what you want, but its also not what he wants....its a compromise and something that should be considered. You'll be a lot closer to Brooklyn & the LIRR isn't brutal from there to the city. It's also a fresh start in a new place. I think as the others said you owe it to yourselves & your marriage to at least give it a try.
However, you need to walk into this WILLING to try...if you already have it in your head that its not going to work or that you truly can't be together, then it sounds like your mind is made up & nothing you try is going to work.
Give it some serious thought Janna & the pros/cons do work. Spend a day or two by yourself & give yourself time to think.
AGain, we're praying for you & hope things work out. We just want to see you happy.
KarAnthony
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Posted by MayBride06
Posted by ssdbk
Posted by KandE917
Posted by cindyandkevin
It's good that he's willing to compromise with you and move to Nassau, I think the 2 of you owe it to yourselves, to each other, to your marriage, to at least give that a try. You can't throw everythiing away soley bc you'd be inconvenienced into having to ride the LIRR again. Of course, this is JMO, but I know you're too strong to throw in the towel now.
Hi - I couldn't agree with Cindy more!
I am sorry you're going thru this and I obviously do not know you or your husband or other problems you may be having that you haven't mentioned. All I am hearing is that you are happy in Brooklyn right now and that you don't want to move to LI, which to me - sort of sounds like you've given up already if you're not willing to compromise and live somewhere that works for BOTH you and DH. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but after reading your post it just sounded to me like you've given up and are really happy where you are right now...on your own in Brooklyn...so I'm sort of wondering why you're even in counseling if you sound so ok with where you're at - which is away from DH.
I'm sorry I said all that b/c I know it sounds harsh - just wanted you to know how you sound to an outsider who doesn't know you or your situation all that well except for the little bits you are sharing on here....please don't hate me.
But Nassau is definitely better than Suffolk and is much closer to Brooklyn. I think if you want to try and make this work that could be a great compromise for you guys!
Best of luck to you both - hoping and praying for you that everything works out for the best whatever that may be!
Edited to change from 'hugs' to 'huggy'
I agree with these 2 opinions. I don't agree that you should find a new counselor. I think that many people do end up with the wrong counselors but I think that she is getting to the meat of the situation rather quickly (not wasting your time or $$). I do not think that she meant that no one who is going through marital problems should live apart. I think that based on what you told her, for your situation and no one else's, you're not going to work on it in the way that you should unless you are living together.
It comes down to the way you feel about Andrew and only you really know that.
I too don't know you or the specifics of your marriage, but I just kept feeling that I would rather live 3 hours from work and commute each day than live without my husband. Signing a one year lease is a big step towards your new life. I just feel if a marriage is right, there shouldn't have to be a pro and con list made to determine that. I don't mean to sound harsh, I wish you nothing but happiness. It may be helpful to see a counselor individually as well so you can discuss some of your thoughts, without your husband there.
BKtoLI
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Re: So counseling came and went....
Just to give a little background.
The main reason for my leaving was because without going into too much detail, there are respect and control issues at hand.
There were also plenty of times where I felt like he was not supportive of me. It kind of hurts that I would drop everything for him if I had to and support him no matter what he wants, but I never felt like I was getting the same in return.
Location doesn't matter to me all that much because I can adjust. Yes, I am happier in the city than the suburbs but I made that sacrifice once, I can do it again.
I understand that it would work better if we were living together, but I just moved into this apartment 2 weeks ago. I am not quite in the mood to go through that whole process again. And right now with our credit, I'm not even sure we could find another apartment.
I still debate every day. I worry that things might be good for a while but then go back to the way they were. Because it involves both of us to change. And my theory has always been you should accept the person for who they are and not want them to change. We both have faults, but a lot of things were said that made me question if I was ever truly happy. I would put on the show for everyone but deep down I was dying inside.
I don't know if that gives anyone clarification. Just thought I would try to defend myself a bit here.
