So today I was to go to order my invitations with my mom at Party City. First the day started off with FH and I arguing over how many invitations his mom needed and how he 'thought' we had gone over this already. Well no we never got a final count, every time I tried it was 'oh I just have to go over it again' so I let it slide. Finally I said, too damn bad I am ordering my invitations now and I need a final count. So it turns out that FMIL needs double the invites than my own parents! My parents decided they would throw us the wedding and only asked we pay for the photo and video. Well long story short, they asked my future in laws to cut down the list since it was getting way too big. they have over 100 on their list alone!!! well I refuse to let my parents go into hock over one day and unfortunately we do not have the money to kick in. We are trying to find the money as it is for the HM, rings, Photo/video as well as other affairs we have been invited to and are in. When I tried to talk to FH tonight (he is still at work) he yelled at me and said this isnt his problem and I need to stay out of it. He said I am causing the drama!!!! I was soooooo pissed off I am not causing drama, I am trying to save the peace between the two families. He comes from 3 families (mom, father(passed away) and step dad) which is why his mom claims there are so many people. I am sorry, but the family from California who FH hasnt seen in over 15 yrs doesnt need to be invited. Nor does FFIL 's extended family. I don't know what to do. Am I wrong for worrying about this? I am not enjoying this whole wedding planning experience and I know my parents aren't either. I am sure if they had more they wouldn't complain but a wedding for over 200 people isn't cheap as everyone on here knows. FH thinks that it is between the 4 of them and not us. I wish that were true, but if his mom won't budge, then what are we supposed to do???? Sorry but I needed to get it out.
PegaLega
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
They need to cut their list, period. There is no reason for there to be that many people regardless of FHs family situation. If they arent going to cough up the money for their guest list then you just say nicely my parents are paying for this-this is they number they can afford this is how many YOU get to invite. End of the story. If he hasnt seen them in forever-they are off thelist. if he doesnt know who they are-off the list. Over 100 people is insane
Im sorry that FH is saying you are causing drama-but he needs to realize your parents arent a bank and this needs to be dealt with fairly
ETA: Immediate family only-then add people as they are important...aunts uncles, grandparents-that is it-see where you are with that number.
PreshusSmurf
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
I totally agree with Peggie on this ....
Also, you should sit down with your parents and figure out how many people is the MAX # that they can afford to pay for.
If DH's mother has more than her allotted # of people, she needs to open that wallet and pay for them.
lyss0908
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
I completely agree with both of you. I just don't know how to get FH to see the light. I know FMIL gave a certain amount to my parents and I probably wasn't supposed to know how much, but it barely covers the band. In my eyes every little bit counts and I am in no way discounting the number that FH parents gave- in fact I am truly greatful, but when I see my mom stressing out and not enjoying doing things with me then I know things must be bad and my parents pride must be getting in the way. Part of the reason I suggested getting invites from party city was to save money, I even offered to dig into my 401 K just so they wouldnt go broke over this. thanks girls for listening!!
bluegreen08
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
i agree
Annoulak
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
are your parents upset about this? do they know the final count from FH's side? I suggest talking it over with your parents to get suggestions about how to approach FMIL. In the end, FMIL will have to cut down her list, but it has this has to be supported by FH and your parents, too.
PegaLega
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
Posted by lyss0908
I completely agree with both of you. I just don't know how to get FH to see the light. I know FMIL gave a certain amount to my parents and I probably wasn't supposed to know how much, but it barely covers the band. In my eyes every little bit counts and I am in no way discounting the number that FH parents gave- in fact I am truly greatful, but when I see my mom stressing out and not enjoying doing things with me then I know things must be bad and my parents pride must be getting in the way. Part of the reason I suggested getting invites from party city was to save money, I even offered to dig into my 401 K just so they wouldnt go broke over this. thanks girls for listening!!
Ok, DH did not understand anything about the wedding and $$$
This is what I did...sit down, show him the break down-cost per person, tax, gratuity (show him with your minimum) then do it with the amount of guests you wouldhave if th elist is not cut....then show him how much more your florist bill is going to cost with extra CPs...write it all down and show him the math, etc....DH almost passed out when I showed him the numbers and he changed his tune quick.
Good Luck, Ithink men in general just dont get the whole funds thing and how fast you spend it with out really spending it
MOB08
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
If I had this problem, I would tell the groom's family exactly how many guests that I think that it would be reasonable for them to invite. Anything over that number, they can pay for themselves. I don't understand at all how the groom's family can think that the bride's family should be the ones to foot the bill. The days of a dowry are long gone!
mrsdraskin2009
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
I would totally be pissed! His family has some nerve inviting so many people and they are being extremely ungracious. I'd be appalled by their behavior, but I would definitiely stand up for my parents and say TOO BAD.
poopikins
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
I agree with the other posters. Your parents cannot be expected to foot the bill for your in-law's out of control guest list. You have to tell your FMIL that your parents can only afford XX guests, and anything over that they will have to pay for.
bluekat16
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
If FH's parents are insistent on inviting all of those people then they should pay for all the extra peoppl above what your parents can afford.
BAL5-9-05
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
I feel for you...I had gone thru the same thing (many yrs ago...which I backed out of the wedding in the end...) BUT his side had DOUBLE the number of guest my side had (same with who was paying)....When we asked them to cut it back, their response was 'then we only need 3 invitiations..'. It was all or none, basically. We ended up 'negotiating' that they would pay SOME portion of the plates above our family count. Trust me, it wasn't much, but that was the best we were able to work out. THIS WAS NOT A HAPPY TIME FOR EITHER SIDE.....in the end....I bailed out. (I'm sure celebrations were had LOL). But yes, it does s**ck, especially at that time, my fiance didn't want to get in the middle....lots of help he was...hope you are able to work out your difference & celebrate!
diva7531
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
So sorry you are going thru this
Is there a way that your mother could call his mother? Or will that just cause more drama?
I am sure it will all work out and hopefully w/o any hard feelings. I have heard that some people give the (non paying) parents a limit and i they choose to go over that, then they have to pay. Is that an option to bring up with FMIL?
MrsBtobe2009
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
They either need to cut their list, or pay for the number of people that they are over for your list. It is not fair to expect your parents to pay for whoever your FIL want. My best friend jsut went through the same thing and it caused her parents to resent her inlaws. I would try to tell your FMIL that your parents can only pay for x amount of people and if she wants more they have to pay for it.
lyss0908
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
Thanks everyone, it ***** because our parents really like each other- we are even spending Passover together next weekend I am not sure my parents want me to say anything, but yet I have to hear my mom complain how she doesn't know how she is going to pay for everything. My dad leaves all the money things to my mom so sometimes I wonder if he has a clue! We have a min of 150 people, so in my book anything over 150 his parents should kick in for. That is how I think it should work anyway. A good point that was brought up was maybe to sit FH down and literally point out the costs although I still don't think it will work. it is so frustrating I am completely stuck in the middle. I am hoping and praying that the 20% people talk about or more say no!!lol who would have thought I would ever want people to say no to coming to my wedding. FMIL wants to invite over 30 people to my shower!!! Uggghhh I love her but she is INSANE
dutchessev
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
I agree that you should cut down everything for you fh. Explain exactly how much everything cost and see if he changes his tune. My fh felt bad that he would not be able to invite everybody to our wedding. When I explained how much we would be saving(we are paying or everything ourselves) he is now cuting people down himself.
I think you should sit down with him and have a real heart to heart.
Good luck
Reymiliz
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
They need to cut the list down or his momm can help pay there are no other options having all those ppl isnt needed..especially since u dont knw them
irishgrl1017
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
Posted by bluegreen08
i agree
Me too!
Christine N Ralph
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
Sorry that you are going through this!
I would sit down with your FMIL...and I would nicely explain to her that your parents simply cannot afford this extended list of people. I would offer to her that these people are more then welcome to come if she and her husband offer to pay the difference for them...
dazies1011
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Re: So depressed- sorry so looong but needed to vent
If they wont cut their list down why not tell them they need to pat for their guests? I know of people that have done this. With that they my cut it down instead of paying.
