So pi$$ed

Hi Stacy, I just wanted to say that I am very sorry to hear about this I know how Scotty has been waiting for his Dad to come back. I think that I would be very upset in this situation, as well.


As for this augbride02:
It is so ridiculous that people post on a public forum (the world wide web for God's sake) about a very private matter and then get upset when not everyone on the internet agrees with you.

I think Stacy was just looking to vent. She didn't ask for you to agree or disagree with her, and I think as humans, sympathy and empathy towards one another is something that we should be able to look for when we need it. I only hope that if you are ever in need, you will have someone who will listen and relate to what you are going through because some of us don't always have that in our 'non-internet' lives and this site can be a place to find it. Good luck to you in all you do and I hope that your posts are no indication of the type of human being you are.

Again, thank you to all the ladies for your input.

augbride2, all I can say is you seem very bitter. I, infact do NOT hate my ex. We have the friendliest relationship of any divorced couple that I've heard of. However, I AM very disappointed in him for his lack of interest and parental resposibility for our son.

We had an amicable divorce, I had to take him to family court for him to pay his share of the $700/month childcare pmts, he cried poverty and I said fine, just give me X amt (much less than he was supposed to). I have invited him, his fiancee AND his family to our sons b-day parties. I have bent over backwards to keep things as 'friendly' as possible, because my main concern was my son having his father involved in his life.

I am ALLOWED to be disappointed without being told that it is none of my business or that I have too much say in his life. If it weren't for my son, I could care less if the man moved to China.

Sorry you had to get sooo upset over this when I was just looking to vent

Sorry but it takes 2 to make a baby and it takes 2 to raise a baby- what gives him the right to run off and not be here on the day to day basis to help in the raising of HIS child. That is what absolutely infuriates me with some 'fathers'. Having been a child of this- a father that went on to live his own life and forgot that he had kids- the damage is permanent. Now that my wedding is over- I will have nothing to do with my sperm donor anymore! I have tried and tried but it is to hard and I have suffered to long with his lies and deceit. It is not worth the pain and heartache anymore!

Stacy- I am sorry that his sorry a$$ is doing this to your wonderful son. I would call him one last time and remind him of this and if he doesn't come home- tell him he needs to come back one last time to explain it your son. Don't let him get off with telling him over the phone or by asking you to tell him and you have to be the only one to look into his sad eyes.

I am soo sorry, when I asked if it was work, I meant like he was overseeing a project and will be back when it was done, and possibly it was running longer than expect. Unless he is studying Earthquakes or something that ONLY CA has tell him to get his sorry butt home!!

Hugs to you both!!

Augbride-I think your posts and comments are completely uncalled for. Im a pretty neutral party here, since I dont know Stacy personally (incase you think im 'defending' a friend, although I do consider lots of wonderful gals here my LIW friends, whether I met them or not ). She simply posted to vent and get opinions.
Our opinions on a dad walking out (across the continent) are pretty common, and yes, yours may be too, but your statements to back up your opinions 'I also know about bitter ex-wives who hate their ex-husbands more then they love their children' are completely out of line. Are YOU insinuating that Stacy is 'that exwife' ?
A person venting in a situation like this does NOT need to hear those words, and Stacy seems like anything BUT a bitter ex-wife She seems like an amazing mom through and through here. Does her concern seem to be any other than the best interest of her son?? NOPE.

Although you have been through this in some way (as you stated) it seems you were not in the 'same' scenario, because you dont have any empathy whatsoever.

I think some of you really need to wake up and realize that this is 2003. Not every divorced couple live in the same place. People all over the world manage to keep relationships with their children after they get divorced.

I think we are wide awake here (at least some of us). I think a few others need to wake up.
I think the person asking for advice knows her ex full well to know his intentions, based on his past and current behavior. It amazes me that instead of simply stating your opinion (which your completely entitled to!) you seem to be completely defending this dad...are you by any chance the FI ?(joke joke joke)....

and the bitter one here doesnt seem to be Stacy...

Oh and by the way, Wendy didnt say NY and CA were on 2 different continents.

This post didnt need to turn into this.


Stacy

I feel for your son...I do. It must be very difficult for him to know that his dad is so far away and not to see him as often. I am sure flying back and forth every 6 weeks, will become every 10 weeks, then 14 weeks at some point. I hope your X can make his son a prority no matter where he choses to live and work.

I am not sure what your X does for a living, but right now the NY job market isn't great. Perhaps his boss is paying him a lot more money to relocate to CA? And there is a chance that he was told to relocate but never wanted to tell you. Maybe he wanted to see how the situation worked out before telling your son/herself about his move. I don't know him so I cannot comment on his intentions except to say that you have always said he loved his son.

I have always thought it was really sad when a parent moves sooo far away from their child. But it does happen everyday and there are a variety of reasons for it- many of them selfish, many of them practical.

Have you considered getting your child a therapist to help him with this adjustment? There is NO shame in getting your child professional help. I am a firm believer that if you try to take care of these types of abandoment issues now your child will be much better off and very well adjusted. I am sure your son is sad, angry, hurt and feels that his daddy has left him. I think it is also important to let his teacher's know what is going on so they can look at for trouble signs like depression, lack of concentration etc...

One of the most important things you can do is to be very positive about this move to your son. Tell him how exciting it will be that he can visit his daddy in CA, how nice the weather is there etc..Ask your X to bring photos of where he works and lives on his next visit so your son can try to identify with his father's new situation.

Here is a plus for you! If you ever do want to move, now you can. Before his father could have taken you to court to stay in a certain area. Now you can move pretty much anywhere in the US.

And yes, I speak from experience. My parents are divorced and my Dad was not around much at all during those years. He moved to another COUNTRY at one point. And the whole situation was NOT handled properly and there were a lot of conquences because of that.

Jamie, yes he was sent there to oversee a project for 3-6 months and then he would come back to his job here. He was not given extra $$ to go there (at least as far as I know) but let me tell you that if I was offered all the $$ in the world (and I am not exaggerating here) NOTHING would take me away from my son.

When I 'signed on' to be a parent, it wasn't a short term thing. If a better opportunity came along, I would not have handed him over to his dad and said 'gotta go...there's more for me in CA'.

He is coming back 11/8 for 3 days (of which he's seeing his son for 6 hours) and yes, I'm sure his visits will become less and less frequent. I HAVE been telling my son the positives, like when his Dad comes to visit he has such special time with him, and how he got to go to Universal and Legoland, yadda, yadda, yadda. I try to be very positive, yet inside it kills me to see his sad little face.

Lucky for me, he gets enough love from FH and myself, along with my family to last a lifetime.

Well I'm coming in a little late on this, but I feel like i have something to add.
I'm grew up in a divorced & remarried family-my parents divorced when I was 2.
My mother was not the best ex-wife & made it hard for my Dad.
Up until last year9when I married) I was a single parent-my son's sperm donor/'dad' give up his paternity rights right after my son was born. He has NEVER paid a dime or had visitation. My son is now 16.
If you ask him about what it was like to have 'no dad'- he'll say 'you don't miss what you never had'
He says he feels worse for his friend Jack who gets shipped off to Canada three weeks a year to sleep on the couch at his Dad & stepmoms house when all his half siblings have rooms of their own. Jack always feels like an outsider there & dreads going.
I'm not saying that all long distance kids of divorce feel this way but I've know Jack since he was 8 & I know how he feels. His Mom worked two or three jobs & never remarried & I know Jack feels bad about that.

In addition my DH is divorced and has a daughter that lives with us part time-she live mostly with her Mom 1 hour away. My husband hates not being able to see her everyday. We were offered a fantastic business deal that would mean moving to Florida...my DH would NEVER leave his daughter here. And he would fight to the death to prevent her mother from moving out of state with her as well. In fact it states in there decree that they are not allowed to move out of this area without consent from eachother.


In a nutshell, I feel you have every right to be upset & I do feel your ex is making a selfish decision because he's a part time parent.
I hope your son is able to contiue a healthy relationship with him in the future.
Good Luck
Kelly

Thank you Kelly, and I could not agree more.

I have thought about my son being sent to CA, when his dad is remarried with other children, and my son not feeling like he belongs. It breaks my heart, and I bet this is something my ex has never even thought about, because he is so consumed in himself.

I appreciate your honesty

2nd time to you & your son!
I'm glad that you are getting married & giving him a solid family here.

just reading all the new posts - its always sad when a child can be heartbroken - there's nothign worse, is there?? - anna, your pinky swear story is so true....

you are a great mom from what i see and it sounds as though your son's father doesn't have the guts to tell him if he is def staying or not (could it be he hasn't thought it out enough to realize rthe impact too? i know some guys don't think that far ahead!)...you are protecting and looking out for your son and while i don't have kids of my own, i know that is the essence of every parent.

to you - i am amazed how bitter some of this got!! - we li wedding girls musy stick together!!!

i hope it all works out - you are lucky to have found someone who is so wonderful with your son!! keep us all updated and we are here for you as you need us!!

My heart aches for you as the mama who wants to spare her son any possible pain or unfairness... I hope it all works out for the best for your boy. I'm not in the same situation but there is a somewhat similar situation within my family so I have some peripheral perspective on the topic.

Please come here and post about this as much as you need to for support and an ear (or many ears) to listen.

I am so sorry this is happening. I don't have any advice or experience on this topic (except for the divorce part), but I just wanted to offer you some support and a whole lotta