So pi$$ed

My ex husband has been in California for about 4 months on business. My son went to visit him once, and my ex comes to NY every 6 weeks to see him (he used to see him every weekend before he left).

When he was going, he said he'd be gone 3-6 months. My son was OK with it in the beginning, but he's getting more and more sad about it. I emailed my ex to see if he know yet when he'll be back for good, because Scotty is now starting to worry that his dad will not be coming back. Guess what...he might be staying for good

I'm so aggrevated. Why do fathers think this is OK? I am here busting my a$$ for my son, and reassuring him that his dad will be back before you know it, and now the ba$tard might not come back at all!!!!!

Sorry for the vent, I'm just beside myself

WOW! I can't believe that he would do that to your son! How insensitive!

Is it work that is keeping him there? If not then I would E-mail him and remind him that he has a son that misses his sorry a$$!!!

I am sorry that you are going through this it COMPLETELY sucks.

I will never understand why divorced men feel that when they have children they can do whatever they want because the mothers will be there! (I know not all divorced men- sorry) But they have 50% of the responsibilty too!!

That does suck, and be strong for your son. It's horrible that he can choose to be a father, when it's convenient for him. You're rigt,,,SORRY ASS!

You have my sympathathies. Just let him know that the longer he is gone the more damage he is doing to his relationship with his son. When my ex moved out of state to spite me (very long story) my son ended up not talking to him for 3 years!!! They still have virtually no relationship even though my ex moved back here after less than 2 months. It doesn't take long for kids to feel like they don't matter to an absent parent, especially if that parent says they will be back and it doesn't happen. Here are some for you and your son.

Jamie, yes he's there for work. He said there is no opportunity here in NY For him (ummmm, helloooo, you had a job when you left, this was SUPPOSED to be temporary, are you now telling me that your boss won't give you your job back here? I KNOW that's not the story. Unfortunately, my ex has NO ball$ and won't open his mouth to his boss, who for some reason he thinks is G_D). My ex's fiancee (who he was cheating on me with!) is now moving out there and he didn't even have the nerve to tell me, my ex-SIL told me!

He's just an a$$. Luckily, my son and my FH have a great relationship, so at least my son has him in his life.

What kills me even more is that with things being so expensive here, my mom, stepfather, sister BIL and neices wanted to move out of state but we always said either we all go, or none of us go and I wouldn't go because I didn't want to take me son away from his dad. I guess that makes ME the a$$ for caring

well this could be a blessing in disguise then....think about your move...



and to reiterate what wendy said...my BM didn't talk to her father for similar reasons for 10 years...and actually legally changed her name to her moms maidan name...

the only reason they began talking again was b/c he was diagnosed with cancer and her stepmom contacted her...it was a bad situation for her to be in...

Maybe I'm the only one on the other side but I don't think it is fair to assume that he is not considering his son at all. I mean, maybe opportunities really are better for him in CA. That doesn't deminish the fact that he loves his son. I am quite sure that he hasn't forgotten about the child that he left behind and it is probably not an easy decision for him either. Circumstances may be that he needed to change his life to better himself.

Also, I don't see why your EX needs to tell you that his FI is moving to be with him. As you are re-married yourself, it is really not your business. Your ex should tell your son when he feels the time is appropriate.

I think that when some people get divorced, ex-spouses still feel that they have a right to know everything that is going on in the other persons life and I don't think that is the case at all. I understand that you 2 have a child together but what does that have to do with you needing to know that he is moving in with his FI?

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Also, I don't see why your EX needs to tell you that his FI is moving to be with him. As you are re-married yourself, it is really not your business. Your ex should tell your son when he feels the time is appropriate.

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Augbride-If you read it properly you would see that her ex said he MIGHT stay out there. meaning there would be a chance that he'd come back. But, finding out that his FI is moving out there gives her more of an inkling that he has no intention on coming back & is not man enough to tell her or their son!!


Stacy-Make sure HE tells Scotty!! I can understand why your mad. (I would be) I hope you get this all straightened out & then you can move on either way!!

I did read it carefully, and I understand what it said. I also understand what the implication is. All I am saying is that he doesn't owe an explanation to his ex-wife he owes it to his son. In the beginning he said he MIGHT be coming back, but life being what it is, things happen. Maybe he can't or doens't want to come back. As I said, opportunities could be better for him and his FI out there.

Frankly, I don't see why your getting so upset IrishTracy. I am entitled to my opinion just like anyone else and I don't think that I said anything hurtful or disresepectful so I don't see why YOU are jumping down my back.

I didn't jump down your back!!! I was just making sure that you understood!

And being a mother I can see why she is upset. Because it can make her look like a liar to her son! Even though she had no clue!! I'm sure the fear of hearing 'you promised' is what she is hoping to avoid.

Kids are a lot smarter than people give them credit for. I think kids of divorce are even smarter because they are forced to deal with lifes lessons earlier then most other kids. No parent wants to appear as though they are a liar. She can tell her son the truth. That she was told by his father that he would return and that is why she told him what she did. She can then encourage him to talk to his father about this and hopefully father and son can work through this.

Because men have no remorse. I am so sorry

'

Thanks Wacky, Tracy and others.

augbride2...when he left, he didn't tell me that he MIGHT come back, he said he was DEFINATELY Coming back.

AND, if it weren't for my son, not I would not have a thing to say, BUT my son is my life and I do not want to see him hurt in the least. Maybe when you have a child you'll understand.

Stacy That is sooo immature and 'lacking' in his department.

Augbride (just my opinion...) I dont think Stacy really cares about his life with his Fi. Having a child myself, I would care about how THAT LIFE affects the innocent child still involved here. Whether or not he has better opportunities out there or whatever the case may be, I dont think ANY opportunity on this earth should come between a parent's current and future relationship with their child.

If a parent valued a relationship with a child (especially daddy and his little boy ) even a million bucks wouldnt make them 'decide' to stay so far away or so far apart for so long...

Stace, my heart is heavy for your precious boy. YOure such a strong and amazing mommy.
I hope things work out. And talk to your son about it, it means alot to them to talk out their feelings (im sure you dont need my advice on mothering!)

keep venting, thats what we're here for !

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Posted by augbride2

I did read it carefully, and I understand what it said. I also understand what the implication is. All I am saying is that he doesn't owe an explanation to his ex-wife he owes it to his son. .

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Sorry to disagree with you here, but he certainly does owe his ex-wife as well as his son, an explanation. This is his child and he has not only a financial responsibility but also a parental responsibility. That parental responsibility includes spending time with his child. I would think that that would be far more difficult for him to do when he is a continent away. It's not like he can see his son every weekend (just an example since I have no idea how often he did see him). Nor can he take part in important events for this child such as parent-teacher conferences, school plays or concerts, attending his child's sporting events (baseball or soccer games for instance). He will no longer be a part of his son's everyday life! That means mom now has complete responsibility for their son's day to day well being and happiness. It also means that Dad will not be here to discipline or even be part of that if the need arises.

I wonder if you still think he does not owe her an explanation?

Yes you are entitled to your opinion, but unless you have been in this situation you have no idea how it impacts the mom's life. Getting a divorce does not absolve one of parental responsibility.

Wendy, well said.

Ive never been through this, but I can see how children are so deeply affected by a simple broken promise, especially of a parent.

Short story-Stacy warning-may be a little tearjerker!
-My neighbor growing up was separated from her hubby. Her son was about 6-7 at the time. Daddy was dating a girlfriend and it was publicly known
Well we came home one day, and we saw the boy waiting outside the house. and we said to him 'Hi ! How are you!!!??' (always trying to be in happy spirits for the little cutie). Well he said to us 'Ive been waiting outside here since 2 oclock!' (and it was like 6pm!) and we said 'oh why? for what?' and he goes 'Daddy said he would come pick me up to go to the movies.....(then with a sad, let down face)...he continues 'and you know what the worse part is? WE PINKY SWORE!!!'
Mine and John's hearts melted when he said that. We still mention the pinky swear story when we speak of children and promising them something....
and not only that but a parent is a STRONG influence on a childs life, and the same-sex parent also has a special bond of his/her own with that child.

My heart goes out to them and I hope their relationship gets stronger and daddy 'wisens up' and realizes what a little treasure of a boy he has here...

2nd time around, how do you know I don't have a child? In fact, I have such a strong opinion about this because I too was in the same situation as you so I do think that I know what I am talking about.

And to everyone else that loves to push their opinions on everyone , I know about the relationship between a daddy and his son. I also know about bitter ex-wives who hate their ex-husbands more then they love their children. I never said that he didn't owe his ex an explanation about why he wouldn't be coming back, I said he doesn't owe an explanation to his ex about why his FI is moving to CA too. I mean what are youpeople insinuating? That this father is going to renounce his son or doesn't love him anymore because he wants to move to CA? Please! There are plenty of responsible fathers who make arrangements to see there children as often as possible b/c they love their children just as much as mothers do. And they keep those promises, even when they pinky swear.

I never said that b/c this father moves to CA that his financial responsibility to his child ends nor does his parental responsibility end. Plenty of families keep in touch and see each other as often as possible even though they can't live in the same state.

I think some of you really need to wake up and realize that this is 2003. Not every divorced couple live in the same place. People all over the world manage to keep relationships with their children after they get divorced.

So typical of this site. God forbid someone posts an opinion that doesn't flow with everyone elses. It is so ridiculous that people post on a public forum (the world wide web for God's sake) about a very private matter and then get upset when not everyone on the internet agrees with you.

Divorce and REMARRIAGE, which too is very difficult on a child, are extremely sensitive issues when it comes to children. Prehaps the public forums aren't the appropriate place to get advice.

Oh and by the way Wendy, California is in the same continent as New York. They are both in North America.

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Posted by augbride2


And to everyone else that loves to push their opinions on everyone , I know about the relationship between a daddy and his son. I also know about bitter ex-wives who hate their ex-husbands more then they love their children. I think some of you really need to wake up and realize that this is 2003. Not every divorced couple live in the same place. People all over the world manage to keep relationships with their children after they get divorced.

So typical of this site. God forbid someone posts an opinion that doesn't flow with everyone elses. It is so ridiculous that people post on a public forum (the world wide web for God's sake) about a very private matter and then get upset when not everyone on the internet agrees with you.

Divorce and REMARRIAGE, which too is very difficult on a child, are extremely sensitive issues when it comes to children. Prehaps the public forums aren't the appropriate place to get advice.

Oh and by the way Wendy, California is in the same continent as New York. They are both in North America.

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I don't recall saying that California and New York are on different continents. I said it was a continent away, which basically it is. If you would prefer I will say that they are on opposite sides of the continent . That ends our geography lesson for today, boys and girls.

And for the record, I don't hate my ex. I do however hate what he did to our son. I chose not to put in my whole story (since I was addressing someone's problem), however suffice it to say that it took me several years to undo the damage that was done and the relationship between my son and his father was forever damaged. The person I feel bad for is my son.

I was not attempting to push my opinion on you. I was stating what happens in the majority of these situations. If you have been through this and worked it all out so that your child does not suffer then you are fortunate. You are also in the minority. Over and over again a parent walks out the door, moves away and loses their relationship with their child. The child is the one who suffers and the parent that doesn't walk away is left to try and explain without making the absent parent look like a monster.


As for someone posting their personal issues on here for all to see...that is what this site is about. It's a place to vent and to get support. To ask questions and get suggestions. And yes even a place to disagree.

So sorry you felt like you were being attacked. Perhaps you are being a bit too defensive because someone did not agree with you?