So sad... cried all day updated MORE. need advice

What should you do? You need to sit down with your fiance and talk about this. Not on the phone, in person. He cannot treat you like this. It would be one thing if both of you agreed to apologize and start off fresh. But he wants you, just you, to apologize for anything and everything his mother might have taken offense to? I'm completely flabbergasted.

I hate to say this, but I don't think you should marry him unless he apologizes to you for treating you like second best, and he somehow shows that he's not going to do it in future. Maybe you could speak to his mother also, but I'm not sure that it would do any good.

You have to understand--his mother is not the heart of this matter, it's that he is refusing to make you the most important person in his life. That he doesn't trust you to be telling the truth when you tell him that his mother is being cruel and unfriendly to you. You MUST clear this up before you get married, or it's going to be a terrible and likely short marriage. It's better to call off a wedding than go through with a bad marriage because you've made so many plans.

Make him understand how you feel, that he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't trust you, and that he doesn't take you seriously, and tell him that the wedding is off unless he agrees to put you first.

Good luck.

---

UPDATE: FH's mom has BRAINWASHED him..along with his sister...and FH called me and says i should say sorry to his mom for any misunderstanding, ill feelings, or distance...or any action of mine or words of mine she may or may not have liked....just say 'SORRY' he said. So she feels better...

and i dont want to say sorry..i dont feel like i did anything .... i have always been nice. SHES the one whose cold and unfriendly...and now FH is saying if i dont say sorry he wont talk to me??? what the helll

what on earth should i dO??????

---

---

Posted by Pencils

What should you do? You need to sit down with your fiance and talk about this. Not on the phone, in person. He cannot treat you like this. It would be one thing if both of you agreed to apologize and start off fresh. But he wants you, just you, to apologize for anything and everything his mother might have taken offense to? I'm completely flabbergasted.

I hate to say this, but I don't think you should marry him unless he apologizes to you for treating you like second best, and he somehow shows that he's not going to do it in future. Maybe you could speak to his mother also, but I'm not sure that it would do any good.

You have to understand--his mother is not the heart of this matter, it's that he is refusing to make you the most important person in his life. That he doesn't trust you to be telling the truth when you tell him that his mother is being cruel and unfriendly to you. You MUST clear this up before you get married, or it's going to be a terrible and likely short marriage. It's better to call off a wedding than go through with a bad marriage because you've made so many plans.

Make him understand how you feel, that he doesn't listen to you, he doesn't trust you, and that he doesn't take you seriously, and tell him that the wedding is off unless he agrees to put you first.

Good luck.

---

I agree. You have to stand up for yourself in this and he has to stand up for YOU. His mother is using you like a pawn to keep control over her son. It's absurd and you need to tell him that you aren't going to take it. And if it takes postponing or canceling the wedding, you have to do it. What will be next? What you name your children? Seriously. It's not going to stop with her showing up late to your shower.

I know you are probably afraid of alienating him by laying down the law, but for him to tell you that need to apologize to his mother for 'something/anything' is a slap in the face to you and completely disrespectful to you.

Good luck with this. But it's time to play hardball with your FH.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It seems like there are two big issues that need to be resolved before you start your lives together. One is that you two are starting a NEW family, and YOU have to be first in his life. It's not selfish, it's you two being a team. Second, you need to establish boundaries in your relationship. I've seen marriages where the in laws have way too much say in the couples' relationship, and it can only create more problems. As painful and stressful as this is now, I agree it's something that needs to be resolved before you say 'I do'. Goodluck date twin! I hope your FH listens to your concerns and that everything works out!

I am so sorry.
YOu definitely need to sit down with FH and have a very serious discussion with him about this whole situation. You are going to be his wife and he can NOT treat you like this.
I hope it all works out!!! We are here for you!!!

'I know you are probably afraid of alienating him by laying down the law, but for him to tell you that need to apologize to his mother for 'something/anything' is a slap in the face to you and completely disrespectful to you. '

___________

YES thats why i WONT say sorry... Honestly i dont have bad feelings for her... i was always bought up to treat my FMIL like my own mom... and i am BEST friends with my mom....not that i will be BFF with FMIL but i want us to have a healthy relationship...and to be nice and respectful to each other.

She just makes issues out of lil things...and exaggerates them drastically... and keeps telling FH over n over again. Its so annoying.... right now i live at home and FH lives at home too...we'll be living together starting the first week of July. Maybe since he sees her a lot... thats why she can easily BRAINWASH him?!?! ...

i DONT want to say sorry. But he now keeps saying 'if you really love me...ive never asked u for anything...just this one thing...how can u say no' blah blah...

argh


i dont know... im so sad

I'm really sorry this is continuing. Ugh. I do agree with pencils and mjdoc. Communication is key, and YOU need to be #1 in his life - not his mother.

I'm just curious though, what does YOUR family say about all of this? Does your mom talk to your FMIL?

god why are some fh's such mommies boys. I don't get it.. if your telling the truth and being honest which i am sure you are then he needs to realize that his mom is going to pull crap like this until she has something else to fill her mind with. He needs to grow balls and stick behind you otherwise your relationship will have issues in teh future. TRUST ME i know too many people who had FMIL that are MIL now that treat them like crap and then these women try to turn your children on you by spoiling your kids to the point they like grandma better then htey like their own mother.

tell you fh to understand this isn't just a wedding problem its a BIG relationship problem.

I am so sorry you are going thru all of this......at any time, but especially so close to the wedding! But I have to say that MJ and Pencils are correct. This cannot go away and cannot be just a 'you and her' thing. This needs to be a 'you, her and FH' thing. My FH is a HUGE mama's boy......but there comes a point in the relationship that he and any other man should realize that this is/will be your WIFE!!!! And, I'm sorry, but that takes precedent! I mean it would have to be something completly out and out vindictive for him to 'side' with his mother.

As much drama as you are going thru with FMIL, I'm sorry to say, but I think there is a major issue (more so than with FMIL) with your FH. I think that that is the first relationship to be addressed because as you said.....in 2 weeks it's going to be you and him living together.....EVERY day....day in and day out. If the man who loves you more than life itself, who wants to be with you for the rest of his life, who would die for you cannot side with you over his mother over such a stupid thing then you really have to ask yourself.....is this right?

I am soooooooooooooo sorry! Truly! This should be a happy time for you instead of all of this crap! My thoughts are with you and pray that all will work out!!!

---

Posted by nifheim

god why are some fh's such mommies boys. I don't get it.. if your telling the truth and being honest which i am sure you are then he needs to realize that his mom is going to pull crap like this until she has something else to fill her mind with. He needs to grow balls and stick behind you otherwise your relationship will have issues in teh future. TRUST ME i know too many people who had FMIL that are MIL now that treat them like crap and then these women try to turn your children on you by spoiling your kids to the point they like grandma better then htey like their own mother.

tell you fh to understand this isn't just a wedding problem its a BIG relationship problem.

---

So true. Good point about the grandkids. I totally know someone who is going through that.

ETA: Anddddd...get this. They're married, and her MIL still makes lunch for her husband to take to work!!!!!!!! She just puts up with it. I can't even imagine. I'd die.

lol thats SAD

Just to be sure I understand, he wants YOU to apologize to his mother for her being obnoxiously rude to you and the hostesses of your shower and for your hurt feelings? Yeah right!

I think this is terrible he's doing this to you. I agree with all of the previous posters about talking to him. Do NOT back down from how you feel. You need to set the tone for your future life together NOW or else you are going to have a very tough time later on. Good luck!

Don't ever feel like you are alone. I am so sorry that this is continuing...and so close to the wedding.


It sounds as if this is an issue between you, your FH and his mom. It's probably a good idea to sit and talk with your FH in person and put everything on the table. You and him are starting a family together, and as much as he loves his mom, he needs to put you first and stand up and defend you. By not doing so, his mom feels that she can continue to act the way she has been because she has full control of him (she's probably thinking that he still loves her more than he loves you by taking her side).

You don't want to start your marriage with something like this over your heads, because it will just escalate as time goes on and it will be a constant tug-of-war between you guys.

Be careful in this situation because this MIL is not going to stop just because you are married. FH needs to address this situation, not you. He is trying to put the onus on you because he doesn't want to confront what is really going on - it's unhealthy just like you've said. FMIL and FSIL showing up over two hours to your shower is DISGUSTING to begin with, and it doesn't end there obviously. YOU are the one who deserves an apology.

Don't stop being the nice, respectful person you are. KILL EM WITH KINDNESS. But don't let them walk all over you, EVER. I had a lot of issues with FSIL in the way back beginning because she was just straight up ignorant of me, like didn't say hi half the time, wanted FH all to herself, etc. Weirdness if you ask me.

What is FMIL and FSIL relationship with FFIL???? Are there any other men in their immediate family? Because if not, it sounds like they depend on your FH not as a son and a brother, but more like a father and a husband. Doesn't mean there's any freaky stuff going on, but these women are trying to have more of their needs met by your FH than is really healthy. There is not a healthy separation between these family members.

I am so so sorry this is going on. You need to put FH on the battlefront. This is HIS battle to fight. And it could cost him a happy, peaceful life! He will never be the person he ought to be if he can't disconnect from his family in a healthy way. DO NOT let these venomous, insecure women make you feel bad in any way. YOU ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE. And you absolutely do not have to deal with his family. Sooner or later they will realize that if they want a relationship with him, they need to have a relationship with you too.

thank youu...that helps!

i have 2 other brother in laws...but they are younger... 16 and 18 years old... FH is the eldest son. So i guess FMIL has relied on him a lot.
FSIL is married and lives in Canada....but shes here for the wedding...and FSIL and FMIL seem to co-planning on how to make my life hell..... i cant wait till she goes back

---

Posted by luvabul

She just makes issues out of lil things...and exaggerates them drastically... and keeps telling FH over n over again. Its so annoying.... right now i live at home and FH lives at home too...we'll be living together starting the first week of July. Maybe since he sees her a lot... thats why she can easily BRAINWASH him?!?! ...

i DONT want to say sorry. But he now keeps saying 'if you really love me...ive never asked u for anything...just this one thing...how can u say no' blah blah...

---

so wait, he is now saying 'if you really love me'??? !!!!! what did you say to that? That is SO manipulative! I'm sorry, but I would have told him off at that point if it were me.

And just b/c he's in the same house with her now, does not mean that this sort of stuff isn't going to continue. She is going to keep on trying this sort of game on EVERYTHING. It won't get any better once he's out of her house.

It's time for him to stand up for you, and again, you need to lay it down and tell him exactly why you feel the way you do. you need to be completely honest with him and lay everything out on the table. And he needs to give back and not just take from you on this. He is asking everything of you and nothing of him mother it seems like, and that is simply not right.

And back to the alienation point-- he is alienating you from HIM in your relationship by asking/telling you to do this. Maybe you should just have a confrontation/come to Jesus talk with his mother in front of him. Just the three of you, and you tell her exactly how you feel about how you are perceiving how she treats you, and how you feel as though it is not getting any better and you want to clear the air now before the wedding. That way you are turning the entire thing on its head.

I mean, do you honestly think that your FH would call off the whole thing?

I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. It is crystal clear that you are not like me. When i was going through this I told my FH straight out.

We are getting married which means I am your family. I come first and your family comes second. When it comes to your mother you need to take my side. (now in reality I know I have to give a little too) These are the things that she has said and done behind your back but to my face. (and I told him everything) If you don't belive me then you are saying i'm a liar. I refuse to marry someone who takes the side of his mommy than his wife to be. If your mommy's feelings are more important than mine then you need to marry your momma and not me. I want a decision and I want it by tonight. You can either stand by me or go back to your momma. She wouldn't be doing all these hateful things if she honestly thought she raised you right bc then she would trust you and trust in who you pick for a wife. Make your choice bc i'm not living the rest of my life as second class to your mother and if the wedding gets cancelled then so be it. I respect your mother bc she is your mother but she has no respect for me and by you siding with her that shows me that you have no respect for me either.

And I was serious. At that point I realized that this is forever and this woman was going to be there for another 20 miserable years. I wasn't going to live my life miserable bc my husband caters to his mother and not his wife. Then that night when he started talking to me about it he was defending his mother. I simply looked at him and said- don't bother keeping on defending your mother bc the wedding is off. I started packing my stuff and making phone calls. I was serious. And when a few days passed and I hadn't made one wedding plan he came around. I made him get on the phone with his mother and have a discussion with her about her behavior. Comming from him! Not you! She got the picture as dense as she is. Ending a relationship is hard but ending it bc of a FMIL is even harder. Maybe you should stop crying and stand up for yourself. You should have told your FH immediately that they came late to your shower. You should have told FMIL that her tardiness was unacceptable and if she pulls the same stunt at the wedding then she is going to miss it bc no one is waiting around for her. Put your foot down. You are letting this woman step all over you. People only take advantage and do what they do if you let them do it. This is your day FUUCK HER!!! Remember that if you don't nip it now- the harder it's going to be. What's going to happen when you have kids? Keep that in mind.

I'm sorry and I hope that everything works out the way you planned but honestly, this woman needs a kick in the pants and she needs it by your FH or she's just going to continue her behavior.

---

Posted by JIFFY

I'm soooo sorry this is happening to you. It is crystal clear that you are not like me. When i was going through this I told my FH straight out.

We are getting married which means I am your family. I come first and your family comes second. When it comes to your mother you need to take my side. (now in reality I know I have to give a little too) These are the things that she has said and done behind your back but to my face. (and I told him everything) If you don't belive me then you are saying i'm a liar. I refuse to marry someone who takes the side of his mommy than his wife to be. If your mommy's feelings are more important than mine then you need to marry your momma and not me. I want a decision and I want it by tonight. You can either stand by me or go back to your momma. She wouldn't be doing all these hateful things if she honestly thought she raised you right bc then she would trust you and trust in who you pick for a wife. Make your choice bc i'm not living the rest of my life as second class to your mother and if the wedding gets cancelled then so be it. I respect your mother bc she is your mother but she has no respect for me and by you siding with her that shows me that you have no respect for me either.

And I was serious. At that point I realized that this is forever and this woman was going to be there for another 20 miserable years. I wasn't going to live my life miserable bc my husband caters to his mother and not his wife. Then that night when he started talking to me about it he was defending his mother. I simply looked at him and said- don't bother keeping on defending your mother bc the wedding is off. I started packing my stuff and making phone calls. I was serious. And when a few days passed and I hadn't made one wedding plan he came around. I made him get on the phone with his mother and have a discussion with her about her behavior. Comming from him! Not you! She got the picture as dense as she is. Ending a relationship is hard but ending it bc of a FMIL is even harder. Maybe you should stop crying and stand up for yourself. You should have told your FH immediately that they came late to your shower. You should have told FMIL that her tardiness was unacceptable and if she pulls the same stunt at the wedding then she is going to miss it bc no one is waiting around for her. Put your foot down. You are letting this woman step all over you. People only take advantage and do what they do if you let them do it. This is your day FUUCK HER!!! Remember that if you don't nip it now- the harder it's going to be. What's going to happen when you have kids? Keep that in mind.

I'm sorry and I hope that everything works out the way you planned but honestly, this woman needs a kick in the pants and she needs it by your FH or she's just going to continue her behavior.

---

very well said!!!

Ok, I agree 100% that something needs to be said tot his woman but I REALLY don't think it should come from you.

I think FH needs to tell her that she needs to treat you better, etc... NOT YOU. Make him do it.

The 3 of you can sit down & talk it out but make HIM tell her how unacceptable her behavior is and make HIM tell her that she needs to respect his future WIFE and mother of his children and make HIM tell her to shape up or ship out. If you say these things to her, she will tell everyone how mean you were to her and she'll play the victim & you will look like the villain.