Some news...

I just wanted to hop online and say thank you to everyone for everything.

I have officially called off my wedding. Yes, again.
The same thing happened last year and I thought things would change. Somehow, things have only gotten worse and worse and that's just not how I want to live my life.

Jeff has berated me, talked about my family and insulted the way I mother my daughter for the past 3 years. Quite honestly, I'm sick of it.
I feel like I could never make him happy no matter what I did. I finally graduated from school 2 weeks ago (it's taken me years in between being a mother and working full-time) and he never even showed up to my graduation. Why you ask? Because he's not supportive of my decision to further my education. Futhermore, he repeatedly stated that he was 'angry' about me starting my MS program at NYU in the fall. You know what his response to me going was? 'What are you doing? You're trying to make more money than me?' I, in no way shape or form, thought it was funny - and he thought it was. I have always been a firm believer of education. No matter how poor you are, or what happens to you, NO ONE can ever take away the fact that you have an education and a degree to go with it.

I have bent over backwards to appease him; often times putting Hannah on the back burner to try to keep him content. I shouldn't have to do that - for anyone.

I've stuck it out when things got bad for him (he had testicular cancer and had sepsis from a ruptured appendix). I on the otherhand got sick (i have Systemic Lupus, had a small stroke, chronic hypertension and have kidney problems) and he tells me it's my fault I'm ill because I USED TO smoke. Huh?

You know, the list just goes on and on. I know I'm so much better than that and I deserve someone that respects me as I respect them and is supportive of all (or most) of my decisions whether they agree or not.

I honestly feel like he set this up this way. I have paid for everything for this wedding (and I'm a single mother) and he makes several hundred thousand dollars a year. He didn't want to shell out money for anything. And to top it off, before we even said anything to anyone, his nephew tells me 'I don't have to be nice to you anymore b/c my uncle isn't marrying you and you're NOT a part of my family' He said this at a street fair mind you in the town I live in - so everyone else knew his intentions but me.

I really thought he would change, really. I've learned now that people don't change, and you can't change anyone no matter how hard you try. They are who they are, and they make small adjustments - but that's it. He's a racist, and it made me sick to my stomach to hear him talking about others and he hates animals. He even went as far as telling me that I better get rid of my cat (that I love more than anything) or he'd get rid of her for me.

My e-ring belonged to his great-grandmother and then his dad's mom and then his mom... when I got it she said 'Oh, it looked better on me!' ***?
I never even did anything to her. He's still attached to the cord to say the least. I even converted to Judaism to make his parents happy.

Ugh, I'm sorry to go on and on, but I'm so angry and mostly at myself. How I let this go on for so long is beyond me and I'm utterly ashamed.

I know there's someone out there for me that will appreciate all I have to offer someone. I'm kind, smart, funny, outgoing, independent.... I know I can make someone very happy one day, just not him. I don't think anyone will ever make him happy. I'm just glad that I know now and not after I gave up a great place and uprooted Hannah from her school and all her friends. She doesn't need to be exposed to that at all.

Anyway, thank you all again. I'll be on and off checking all your updates. Congrats to all who have gotten married and who are getting married. I wish you all the best in life and wish you all great happiness. My happiness is around the corner, I'm sure of it. It may not be tomorrow, or the next day or next year, but I know in my heart someone exceptional is looking for me as I am them.

Much love to you all,
Cynthia